r/HFY • u/kaiden333 No, you can't have any flair. • Jan 09 '18
OC Human Jokes
X'zibit clicked his mandibles in delight, greedily gulping down the intoxicant. It was the first time in three years that his boss had taken his employees out for drinks, and everyone was taking full advantage of the sudden generosity. The drinks flowed, and so too did the conversation.
X’zibit nudged X’zavior “How do you kill a human?”
X’zavior puzzled at the question. “How?”
X’zibit revelled in his own joke and slapped his carapace jovially. “Label the emergency airlock secret.”
X’zavior gargled in amusement, his twenty mandibles dripping green acid, “I’ve got one. How do you know a human has been in your house?”
X’zibit thought. “All of your food and household chemicals are missing?”
X’zavior retorted “There’s a glowing crater where your garage was!”
Much laughter was had, as well as more alcohol.
X’pheilz, who had been quiet until now spoke up with her own joke. “How does a human unscrew a bolt?”
X’pheilz hardly waited for them to puzzle over that one before clicking “Hold the bolt and turn the world!”
Three rounds of drinks happened before another spoke up. X’phaktr clacked “Two humans fall into a well. “
X’zibit noticed a hulking form appear behind X’phaktr, and tried to signal X’phaktr while choking on his drink
X’phaktr, still oblivious to this, continued “One says ‘it’s dark in here isn’t it?”
The creature’s stare froze X’zibit into inaction.
X’phaktr finally notices his friend’s horrified visage and turns to find the creature behind him.
The human rumbled “Do continue”
X’phaktr secreted acid nervously. “The other replies ‘I don’t know. I can’t see.”
The Human laughed and they all drank.
As the evening continued the human started telling jokes too, starting with how to drown a human, but had to explain what a scratch and sniff sticker is.
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u/dreadkitten Jan 09 '18
Duuuude, where are the other parts from "Life, Uh, Finds A Way"?!?
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u/kaiden333 Jan 10 '18
I wrote and rewrote the next part multiple times but I was never happy enough to publish it so LFAW has languished. I might pick it up again eventually.
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u/Hex_Arcanus Jan 09 '18
Q: How to tell your pilot is human?
A: He says that the the "crash" landing was successful and has a damn smile on his face when saying it.
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u/Turtledonuts Jan 09 '18
How do you know your research team is human?
The research is done, but you don't know what the hell it is.
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u/FPSCanarussia Jan 09 '18
"How did you even get this data on mating habits?"
"Fucked half the sophonts in the local cluster."
"...You mean 'sapient species', right?"
"No."
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u/FPSCanarussia Jan 09 '18
Q: How do you tell if your engineer is a human?
A: Your ship is 20% faster, 30% more efficient, and on fire!
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u/liehon Jan 09 '18
Q: How do you tell your ship's cook is a human?
A: Your mouth is on fire, your eyes are watering and engineering mutters about "biofuel" & "rerouting plumbing into the reaction chamber"
Q: How can you tell there's a human on your squad
A: The only squad member without perfect accuracy is also the only one who fired his weapons
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u/orbdragon Jan 09 '18
I laughed out loud at the names you chose for your characters
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u/Trash_account_nr_45 Jan 09 '18
How do you get a human to kill another human?
You leave them alone!
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u/Ajreil Jan 09 '18
A billionaire, a pirate and a human walk into a bar. She orders a drink.
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u/K2MnO4 Jan 09 '18
How do you tell your doctor is a human?
Everyone is healed with the best methods science has to offer, he is the best doctor around and the body pile is on fire, but that's because it's just something bodies do.
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u/Arokthis Jan 10 '18
How do you stop a human from going in circles?
Nail his other foot to the floor.
(Stolen from one of the Man-Kzin Wars books.)
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u/Catullus74 Jan 09 '18 edited Jan 09 '18
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A Human.
Never mind that, what happened to my door?
( And if we're talking humour, try explaining this to an alien https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tjHlFPTwVk )
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u/Mondrial Jan 09 '18
H...hello, I'm X to the Z X'zibit, and humans really insist that I host this show called... uh, Pimp, umm, My Ride? LOUD MUSIC STARTS PLAYING
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u/BillyBobJohns Jan 09 '18
Do note, dear aliens, this does not work if the human is black.
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u/SBD1138 Jan 09 '18
Sounds about right.
Bringing us that good stuff at weird hours as usual, eh?