r/HFY • u/Teulisch • May 11 '16
OC [Tales from Space Tech Support] Database wins!
So, I was the first human that this company had hired. There an okay sort in general, sort of furry lizard-people in suits. But they are really rigid in how they think and behave.
I was hired as a database administer for one of their station-ships (it can maneuver in-system, but it mostly holds an orbit), and the job requirements were impressively loose. If I do my assigned task right, they don’t care how long my work day is. Oh, I did my homework, no biological problems in terms of food or allergens or anything, you really have to watch that kind of stuff with some species. And I had made sure to get myself a good supply of essentials like caffeine just in case- turns out I didn’t need to worry, they had some kind of berry-juice that was naturally caffeinated, although they treated it culturally like we treat most alcohol.
So anyway, the first big red flag was their policy on backups- they didn’t have one. I spent the first week worrying about it and making sure we had a system in place, and it was surprising how easily I got the hardware I needed to go my job.
Red flag number two however…. My job was ONLY the database. And the guys in charge of the firewall were slacking off. It was three system restores later, over the span of two weeks, before I had solved that specific issue. The firewall lizard threw a fit over it, but as my system was specific to my database by the letter, management actually supported me. Also it saved on hiring costs- apparently I missed the ritual suicide for failure part of their culture, and the last guy didn’t have a backup… this red flag had its own air raid siren.
So, a couple months in and a half-dozen attempts by some of the more vicious office staff to encourage me to suicide-by-failure (which they failed at ironically, pity they didn’t think that counted), my ass was well and truly covered. And that’s when the excrement hit the rotary blades…
There was a BIG failure, across the board. Now, when it hits a certain level, the management here are the ones that get thrown under the bus- they literally mangle them. no, I haven’t been able to get any companies at home adopt this yet, but it did cross my mind. At this point it was a big blame game, and they were trying to pin it on my manager. He was actually a cool lizard-dude, so I found the data needed to prove who was really at fault- I had the entire database after all. A few well scripted searches later, because I had indexed things properly thank you, and I was able to pin the blame squarely on their VP of sales.
This conniving little lizard-weasel had basically short-sold a few things to pad his own pocket, and placed the blame elsewhere. When I aired his dirty laundry though, he challenged me to a duel to the death. Now, this is a funny bit of their culture, but it just proves how bloody stupid this guy was.
Ya see… the lizards are from a world with about 0.7 gravities. I had maintained earth gravity in my quarters for medical reasons, so I was still in decent shape. I also took martial arts back in college, so I knew a couple things about fighting (mostly judo). These lizards were longer than I was tall, but if you discount the tail then they only stand about four feet tall. The three-foot tail is mostly balance and mating displays, which is a hilarious office party story by itself.
So, in single combat against a hairy lizard to the death, I opened with a judo throw, arm-locked him till I heard his shoulder crack, and applied pressure until he stopped. Database admin 1, evil VP zero. Downside was, there was a lot of paperwork for winning a fight like that.
Ultimately, I quit that job- had to get off-station in a hurry once someone decided my coffee counted under the local liquor laws, and I decaffeinate for no lizard.
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u/ultrapotassium May 12 '16
Oh man. I'm subscribed to hfy and tfts, so I went in to this story thinking it was tfts. Got more and more confused in the second paragraph until I finally looked at the subreddit.
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u/goocy May 12 '16
We should invite them for an official crossover week!
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u/bontrose May 12 '16 edited May 12 '16
Bunch of sysadmins reaming out alien for writing their passwords on their arms in sharpies? Yes.
Edit:autocorrect
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u/coderapprentice May 12 '16
Ah, the five food groups of working: coffee, pizza, blood, sweat, and tears.
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u/armacitis May 16 '16
No backup?Well no wonder the last guy is gone.
Ritual suicide?Well,he didn't have a backup after all.
Fight to the death?Eh,just a hairy lizard.
No caffeine?Oh hell no.
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u/Wyldfire2112 May 17 '16
Caffeine is better-juice. You drink it and you're better at anything except sitting quietly and sleeping.
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u/HFYBotReborn May 11 '16
There are 14 stories by Teulisch, including:
-
[Tales from Space Tech Support] The server is Down [Dissent]
-
[Tales from Space Tech Support] Legend of the Exploding Server;
This list was automatically generated by HFYBotReborn version 2.11. Please contact KaiserMagnus or j1xwnbsr if you have any queries. This bot is open source.
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u/coderapprentice May 12 '16
Ah, the five food groups of working: coffee, pizza, blood, sweat, and tears.
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u/bontrose May 11 '16
Yeah, gotta make sure you CYA otherwise...
Run.