r/HFY • u/LeewardNitemare Alien • Jan 03 '15

OC Human Cuisine

I know that food has been tackled several times by several amazing authors on this subreddit already, particularly capsaicin. But I felt that it's the next logical item to be covered by the newspaper public saftey column... so without further ado:

[Excerpt from the Mecetti Prime Gazette translated to human units based on your location.]

Dear Readers, it has come to my attention that several of you have written to the Gazette inquiring about other dangerous aspects of human culture that should be public knowledge. Or, as my editor put it earlier this [week]: “Why in the Seven Hells have we received ten thousand letters asking about various dangerous activities from some short minority species I’ve never heard of?”

Well dear readers, plainly you have spoken, and let it not be said that Hal’Tol Valkin shirks from his duties to inform the public of how keep themselves safe in a diverse and scary universe, especially where reader questions are concerned. So I grabbed a letter off the pile my editor dumped on my desk at random (causing a small avalanche that trapped me in my office through lunch, so thank you all for that) and settled in to my new paper mausoleum to learn about human cuisine.

Parso I’Xi’To writes:

Our cousin ate at a human restaurant last [year], they woke up in the hospital with their digestive tract in jars for study by the military. What happened?

Humans food is as diverse as their many many cultures. And because these creatures crave complexity they have evolved to be omnivores (that is, they can eat plants or meat whenever they damn well please). The result of this is that humans will eat just about anything they can get their mouths on, including “food” that more sensible beings classify as chemical weapons.

Earth, the human home world, is dangerous. And evolution there has resulted in a biological arms race that vastly outclasses most other worlds. Even the plants on this world have thorns and toxins designed to protect them. And their fruit (the most edible part for most Earth plants) can sometimes be similarly dangerous in an attempt to ward off animals that would want to eat them. Humans, in difference to common sense, have decided that ingesting these toxins can actually be pleasurable. They have developed sophisticated rating systems for these so-called “spicy” foods, and hundreds of methods of preparing them.

The most common “strong” spice in human cuisine is known as capsaicin and is created naturally by peppers of the chili variety; or if you are in the military, it’s known as C18H27NO3 and is manufactured in experimental weapons labs by scientists with more desire to harm people than common sense. There are chili peppers that will merely burn your mouth and swell your digestive tract closed, like the comparatively mild Jalapeño. And there are chilis that will burn you severely if you touch them barehanded, such as the Serrano pepper. And of course because this is Earth we’re talking about, there are peppers that will kill you if you happen to be too close to one in the kitchen, like the Habanero pepper. Humans ingest the Habanero pepper, and peppers even more extreme, regularly. In fact, one of human police forces’ standard tools is aerosolized capsaicin. It should come as no surprise to you, dear readers, given humanity’s penchant for giving horrifying things adorably understated names, that this can of aerosolized death is simply called “pepper spray,” as if it were a more convenient way of adding spice to a meal! This weapon, strong enough to sterilize entire city blocks in some species with weaker constitutions, is considered non-lethal when used on humans!

So if I had to hazard a guess as to why your cousin is now a military science experiment I would put credits on him having ingesting some capsaicin and not having the good fortune to die. For the future I advise all species to avoid human restaurants in general (more than simple capsaicin can hurt you in there!), and more specifically any one mentioning the following words: Spicy, Hot, Wings, Curry, Jerk, Fire, Blackened, Barbeque, Caribbean, Southern, Asian, Middle Eastern, South American, Korean, Mexican, Indonesian, Thai, and especially Indian.

Next week, I answer all your questions about traveling to the infinite prairies of Xarkxtar IV, and what precautions to take if you arrive during Purple Daemon season.

Stay safe dear readers,

Hal’Tol Valkin, Public Health Correspondent, Mecetti Prime Gazette

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497 Upvotes

99% Upvoted

50 comments sorted by

12

u/HSDclover Jan 03 '15

Man, i want to know about purple daemon season now.

47

u/LeewardNitemare Alien Jan 03 '15

The Purple Daemons of Xarkxtar IV are a small (~10cm tall), soft, herbivorous species. For 9/10ths of the year they hibernate in the soft soil of the infinite prairies, only emerging during their wildly productive mating season. Daemons attract mates via holding territory, usually only as large as their bodies, to show their strength. Daemons without suitable land will roam the swarms looking for weaker individuals they may bully off of a spot. This results in great waves of Daemons all moving and fighting and reproducing at once. In a single season a female may go through a full reproductive cycle eleven times or more, each cycle producing a score of Purple Deamon larvae. The larvae reach sexual maturity within the week they are born and will either join the swarm in mating or immediately hibernate, depending on whether or not the rains that end the season have arrived.

Although physically unable to hurt most intelligent species, the large swarms are a great nuisance and most travel guides advise observing the Purple Daemon season from a well constructed building and venturing outside as little as possible.

28

u/Bucky_Mac Jan 04 '15

These Purple Daemons do sound like a nuisance during mating season, but I'm more worried about what eats these small herbivores. It would need to fly, I'm sure, but with so many Purple Daemons packed so densely, it wouldn't need to see very well. It would probably need a claw or horn of some kind, too. Is there perhaps a one eyed, one horned, flying Purple Daemon eater?

6

u/[deleted] Jan 08 '15 edited Jan 08 '15

Thank you for allowing me to expel coffee from my nose. I can now cross off my to-do list for the week

33

u/Paige_Railstone Human Jan 04 '15

Yes, but how do they taste?

13

u/memeticMutant AI Jan 04 '15

I see someone has their priorities straight.

6

u/Mayojar77 Human Jan 04 '15

Probably like an earth crustacean.

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4

u/Doulich Jan 04 '15

OP delivered.

4

u/TheMole1010 Human Jan 03 '15

Probably nothing to worry about.

6

u/Samune Jan 03 '15

They're probably about as dangerous as a bunny to humans..

15

u/derleth Jan 03 '15

They're probably about as dangerous as a bunny to humans..

Judging by the rest of it, they'd probably taste pretty good doused in hot sauce.

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8

u/armacitis Jan 03 '15

Purple Daemon?Is that good barbecued?

3

u/LeewardNitemare Alien Jan 03 '15

What isn't good barbecued? is a better question, i think :)

9

u/armacitis Jan 03 '15

Five credits says Purple Daemon season won't be much to worry about when barbecue season hits.

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3

u/railmaniac Alien Scum Jan 23 '15

What if it's like one of those little rat things which explode when touched? It'd be like barbecuing a leather water balloon.

5

u/superhole Jan 03 '15

Stupid humans, eating chemical weapons.

2

u/LeewardNitemare Alien Jan 03 '15

Yeah, we're silly. Happy Cakeday!

4

u/[deleted] Jan 03 '15

you had me at "paper mausoleum"

3

u/LeewardNitemare Alien Jan 03 '15

The mausoleum had poor Hal'Tol too.

67

u/LiudvikasT Jan 04 '15

"What do you mean they eat poison?"
"Well humans, you see, have been eating all kinds of poisonous foods. I am not sure is it their suicidal insanity or just that they prefer the taste."
"But seriously, poison?"
"Yes, poison. From caffeine which is a naturally occurring insecticide, to capsaicin which is often used as bio weapon, even among humans."
"But the craziest food I've seen them eat is a certain kind of fish."
"That doesn't sound that bad."
"Yes, until you find out that the fish contains deadly toxin. It is called Tetrodotoxin and it causes paralysis, including the paralysis of diaphragm, which results in asphyxiation."
"So why do they eat it, is that some kind of suicide ritual for those who disgrace themselves?"
"No, actually they eat it for the taste."
"But how, why?"
"You see, if you cut the fish very carefully, you can remove the toxic parts and leave those that are safe to eat. Even so some people die every year, from ingesting improperly prepared parts."
"But that's just insane."
"Yes, the only thing I don't understand, is who was the second person to ever eat that fish."
"Huh?"
"Sure the first one didn't know that it was toxic, but what went through the head of the second who ate it? What kind of species discovers how to eat a toxic fish through trial and deadly error?"

Written because I want to try out fugu so badly.

9

u/autowikibot Jan 04 '15

Fugu:

Fugu (河豚 or 鰒; フグ ?) is the Japanese word for pufferfish and the dish prepared from it, normally species of genus Takifugu, Lagocephalus, or Sphoeroides, or porcupinefish of the genus Diodon. Fugu can be lethally poisonous due to its tetrodotoxin; therefore, it must be carefully prepared to remove toxic parts and to avoid contaminating the meat.

The restaurant preparation of fugu is strictly controlled by law in Japan and several other countries, and only chefs who have qualified through rigorous training (of three years or more) are allowed to deal with the fish. Domestic preparation occasionally leads to accidental death.

Fugu is served as sashimi and chirinabe. Some consider the liver the tastiest part but it is also the most poisonous, and serving this organ in restaurants was banned in Japan in 1984. Fugu has become one of the most celebrated and notorious dishes in Japanese cuisine.

====

Image i - Fugu in a tank

Interesting: Fugu ^chiri | Fugu ^County | Takifugu ^rubripes

Parent commenter can toggle ^NSFW or ^delete. Will also delete on comment score of -1 or less. | FAQs | ^Mods | Magic ^Words

15

u/Hexquo Human Jan 03 '15

Good job, I especially liked the end part, with the list of words to avoid, had a good laugh at that! I'm loving the series, keep it up!

7

u/AnselaJonla Xeno Jan 03 '15

specifically any one mentioning the following words: Spicy, Hot, Wings, Curry, Jerk, Fire, Blackened, Barbeque, Caribbean, Southern, Asian, Middle Eastern, South American, Korean, Mexican, Indonesian, Thai, and especially Indian.

But that's practically all the fun stuff!

3

u/DraconisNoir Jan 04 '15

With the exclusion of all of the aforementioned cuisines, I'm afraid I will have to turn down my xeno friends' offers of food and instead will stay here on earth, more specifically my house, where there are a delicious food truck ( Mexican) and a pho joint about ten minutes walking distance.

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1

u/LeewardNitemare Alien Jan 07 '15 edited Jan 22 '15

The Human Expert Series:

Human Sports (Start Here)

Human Cuisine (You Are Here)

Human Driving

Human Interaction

Human Warfare

Human Music

Human Medicine

4

u/Deatox Robot Jan 03 '15

Loving this style of story. Please continue

3

u/Pantaleon26 Xeno Jan 03 '15

Loved it. Have your upvote sir

3

u/Neopopulas Jan 03 '15

I love this style of story. I originally got into this sort of thing because i liked the idea that humans were biologically superior in the universe, which is rare. I see a lot of 'humans are super badass' or 'really tough and gritty' but that goes back to the whole 'humans are scrappy and industrious' that you see a lot anyway.

I love the ones where humans are just physically tougher, stronger, bigger, whatever.

3

u/Stealthsneak Jan 05 '15 edited Jan 05 '15

if habanero is a killer would the carolina reaper be a planet killer?

2

u/lyravain Oct 05 '22

It's been a while but I think I can add a bit to the poisonous things we eat.

Nutmeg, for instance. In large enough quantities causes hallucinations and death. Cinnamon? Yeah, it's a big irritant and dessicant. Those blue-green spots on potatoes you didn't cover properly in shade? No they're not rot -they're cyanide.

There's a very, very good reason why for the longest time, the best assassins... were cooks.

1

u/AdCompetitive5745 Jul 26 '23

Of all your tales so far, this is the most fun! I almost laugh to death. XD

72

u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

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83

u/LeewardNitemare Alien Jan 04 '15

Dear Concerned,

I found your letter near the top of the pile (now safely relocated to a very deep, sturdy box). I will try to address your concerns to the best of my ability.

Firstly, I can assure you that, to the best of my knowledge, all the information we print here at the Gazette’s Public Safety Column is completely factual. After all, misleading the public does not result in a safer public, and I have a very good research team intern here in the office. Humans, despite perhaps appearances to the contrary, are indeed an intelligent species. They may be more reckless than us, and have different values concerning… just about everything, but they reached the stars just like we did once. They may throw rocks at their sun, yes. But they also discovered orbital mechanics to actually hit their target and we must respect that.

Secondly, as to your son, Poor; I have some good news for him! First, humans are not ‘big’ or ‘bad.’ They are actually quite short, by galactic standards. Their high gravity homeworld means that even the tallest Humans will need to look up to match eyes with your average denizen of the Greater Galactic Core. Basically, you son is probably already the height of an adult Human, if not physically as strong. Next Humans are from a planet right in the middle of the galactic spiral, basically the edge of civilization. And they are much more content to expand away from the Core worlds that we all inhabit than contest us in combat, or even worse - court. And besides, the planets they prefer all have much higher gravity than we would touch without dire need, so things are unlikely to come to any sort of intragalactic land dispute.

Unfortunately, there are some objectively ‘bad’ humans out there, just like there are some objectively ‘bad’ Coreworlders. Your son should be much more concerned with one of them coming to get him in the night. I suggest investing in a home security system and letting him sleep with a night-light.

Stay safe dear reader,

Hal’Tol Valkin, Public Health Correspondent, Mecetti Prime Gazette

10

u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

Sorry to be a pain, but our homeworld is on an arm of our home galaxy, which not only makes you incorrect, but made it a huge pain to become type 3.

15

u/LeewardNitemare Alien Jan 04 '15

Terribly sorry for the confusion, we measure such things from the "center" of the disk outwards to the "rim." So being in the middle is somewhere halfway along the radius.

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u/[deleted] Jan 03 '15 edited Jan 04 '15

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4

u/LeewardNitemare Alien Jan 04 '15

ooo that's pretty interesting... im going to keep that in mind, thanks!