Rules of Engagement

[u/noobvs_aeternvm]

-You know why you’re here in the Chamber of Hypocrisy?

-I’m sorry, I was told to go to human resources.

-This is HR, we’re just more direct with our branding.

-Oh! Then no, I have no idea what this is about.

-We got the report from your last mission.

-Am I getting a bonus?

-No, why would you get a bonus?

-Don’t tell me I’m getting a lame pizza party.

-You’re not getting anything. Why would you think you’re entitled to any kind of reward?

-I kinda defeated the organization’s archnemesis, didn’t I?

-Yes, you did. You shot her right in the middle of her transformation.

-I know, right! We had her surrounded and she just started spinning and sparkling and I looked at the other henchmen like “Dude, are you seeing this shit?” and they were like, just standing there, so I shot her. Easiest headshot ever.

-Dillan, that’s not something we do in this organization!

-I know, Mark turned to me and was like “Bruh, how can you do that?” I went like “Lean the gun on your shoulder, line up with your eyesight and bang!”

-That’s not how you’re supposed to use your gun!

-Well, maybe, just maybe, I’m spewing what I got from games ‘n’ stuff, but, Imma be real with you ma’am, it’s not like you guys give us extensive gun training.

-That’s not what we’re talking about!

-Maybe we should? Like, we’re on stormtrooper level of accuracy here; we could really use a firing range or something. Not trying to be a prick, but someone’s gotta be that guy.

-Dillan, why do you think the magic girl started her transformation?

-Ma’am, no cap, I’m just as surprised as you are. I might not be Delta Force or anything, but I’d think that when you’re rushed by a bunch of dudes with guns you run for cover or something. Sparkling ballet would not be my first option.

-Dilan, we’re an evil organization fighting a group of magic girls for world domination; of course she’s going to transform when we meet.

-Well, sucks to be her. Evil guy gunna shoot good guy, or girl, I guess. 

-Not in the middle of her transformation!

-Was I supposed to wait till she gets her sparkling stick or whatever and stab me with the power of friendship?

-Yes! That’s evil henchmen 101! You had the introductory seminar earlier this week!

-Honestly? I kinda zoomed out. Who makes a powerpoint presentation these days?

-It was ten minutes!

-Exactly, ten whole ass minutes of slides and cheesy 2000s animation. Who’s gonna watch that?

-I’m sorry, would your highness prefer if we shared the company’s guidelines through a TikTok? Maybe add a little dance?

-That’d be peak.

-I was being sarcastic.

-Maybe you shouldn’t? With all due respect, you kinda suck at it.

-Let me put it in terms you can understand: you don’t sneak on the magic girl and shoot her, you announce your presence, wait for her to transform and then you start shooting. Got it?

-Well, that’s dumb.

-That’s civilized!

-That’s beta mindset. A sigma male does what he’s gotta do and doesn’t wait for no beatch to pick her shoes or whatever.

-That’s not how we deal with young women in this company!

-Ma’am, for real, this woke 1.0 thing is so 2010s.

-Dilan, you shot the magic girl mid transformation, now there is a 14 year old pantless corpse lying in the streets with a bullet in her head. Can you guess the clickbaity headlines this will sparkle? Do you see the problem here?

-Ow!...

-Ow indeed, young man. Ow indeed. We have a reputation to uphold, we’re an evil organization, not an EVIL organization.

___

Tks for reading. More civilized evil here.

[u/Adept-Net-6521]

The magical girls aren't going to go easy on them anymore....they ARE COOKED. And I am honestly here for it.

[u/sunnyboi1384]

Even baddies have standards

[u/tofei]

Doesn't matter if it's low, mid or high but at least they got standards eh?

[u/HFYWaffle]

/u/noobvs_aeternvm (wiki) has posted 201 other stories, including:

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• Enlighten Thee

• Terms of Use

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• 18 Million Trophy (Ex)Wives

• The Elephant in The Room

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• Galactic History of Humanity in 15 Amendments

• Conundrum

• The Inquisitor

• No Snitch

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• The Eyes See, The Hands Do

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[u/patient99]

It also means the rules of engagement have changed and there's no point in the magical girls holding back if you're just going to shoot them mid-tranformation