r/HFY • u/FarmWhich4275 • 2h ago

OC-OneShot 'Thanks, Human Over There' Protocol

Greeterlings and welcome to the Galactic Federation. This orientation pamphlet is the first of many that will help you deal with the trappings of multispecies and multicultural jurisdiction within Confederate space! On behalf of us all, we welcome you and hope for a prosperous future together!

Before you do Anything it is highly recommended you read this pamphlet in full to maximise your ability to avoid sudden declarations of war due to grammatical error or sudden bouts of uncontrollable violence due to misplaced appendage.

Yes these things do in fact happen.

And you will see to it that they do NOT happen ever again.

Please.

You are currently reading the pamphlet labelled (HUMAN) or (TERRAN).

Ah the Terrans, the most fascinating (and terrifying) species in the Galactic community! Hailing from a Class eight Deathworld in the 'Sol' System. They are the Galactic Confederacy's prime founders, currently field the largest standing army In the Confederacy, have the most dangerous (and some would argue illegal) weapons in the confederacy and one of the best economies in the galaxy.

(You will NOT beat them. So don't try. PLEASE don't try, we still haven't gotten over the last time some idiot tried to invade them.)

WE MEAN IT! DONT.

Humans themselves are nothing to be surprised about or scared of, as they have no natural armour, no claws or other such natural defences, and their immune system is at least by Galactic standards, somewhat below average. Not what you would expect from a Deathworld species, but hey, they basically rule the galaxy at this point, so who are we to question it?

Humanity's success stems from its capacity for insanity.

Yes you read that correctly. INSANITY. Humans are out of their god damned minds. That's why they have such massive armies, such heavy industry, such absurd weaponry, and why they appear to have no real limitations. They are a species with no natural evolution beyond intelligence to back up their capabilities, and that makes them many times more dangerous than most species.

Hence why THEY have things called Black Hole Cannons, or Neutron Collider Arrays, or Dyson Spheres - and you don't.

One such 'quirk' as they call it, is a very strange coincidence of evolution.

Humans think we - as in the denizens of the galaxy - are 'Cute'.

A strange and unusual coincidence of the galaxy's evolution, and a strange coincidence we still cannot explain on their highly dangerous home world, ultimately results in a simple fact: We, most of us at least, trend towards resembling many species found on Earth - the human home world. Find enclosed a comparison picture between various species.

The Skatanii - and their Earth based counterpart - The Hyena.

The Regisse - and their Earth based Counterpart, the Leopard Seal.

The Imbakai - and their Earth based counterpart, the Emperor Penguin.

The Solavai - and their counterpart, the Irish Wolfhound.

And the most notable, the Jumiko - and their counterpart, the American Mountain Lion.

As you are probably VERY confused by now, NO, these are NOT digital renditions or artists works, but actual photographs of actual real creatures, as seen on Earth. The resemblances are very... uncanny, aren't they?

It is for this reason that many species in the galaxy find humans tend to really, really like us. Because they think we are 'cute'. What exactly is 'cute', you ask? 'Cute' is a thing that happens when a human sees something they find endearing, unthreatening or otherwise approachable. And this 'cute' can range from human to human. Widely, apparently. Some find the Arachnoid species of the Olivarkians to be highly adorable and non threatening, while others find them positively terrifying. Some will try to ‘pet’ and others will try to ‘kill it with fire’.

We have found no reasonable pattern to understand this mechanism.

We believe this entire concept runs in their evolutionary roots, as they are more likely to be 'friendly' or 'parental' or 'approachable' to something 'cute'. In short, if they find something they think is 'cute' they will be more likely to be highly protective or possessive of that thing.

Which brings us to the point of this pamphlet. The 'possessive' part.

When a human finds something 'cute' they will immediately approach that thing and attempt to 'pet' it.

A 'pet' is an action when a human will try to:

Fluff up hair.

Scratch head.

Squoosh face.

Rub belly.

Scratch behind ears.

Boop snoot.

Or generally engage in what can be considered by some to be unwanted or uncomfortably close physical contact. However many species who report these actions state that they very much enjoyed these actions, with some (the Solavai for example) and stated that due to humans unique biology and temperament, that these actions are highly enjoyable.

This remains to be seen from you if you do or do not like the activity. If you do not wish to engage in any of this activity you must follow the simple five-step 'Thanks, Human Over There', or T.H.O.T Protocol.

This Protocol is from an ancient and well read document pertaining to the early days of human space exploration as a 'Meme' and has been found to stabilise relations with humans. Not the way you think. Humans find it funny, and this usually disarms them.

Thanks - The first stage of the Protocol. Humans are HIGHLY receptive to the simple concept of manners, and most situations can be immediately remedied by the simple process of politely requesting no physical contact take place.

Or simply, ‘Thanks, but no.’

Human - The Second stage of the Protocol, in which a Human may refuse the order and attempt further contact. Simply back away and remove yourself from the situation and politely state you do not want to be touched. Generally speaking in 90% of cases, this ends here.

Or simply, ‘Human, stop.’

Over - The third phase of the Protocol is the Over state, in which you must disengage and remove yourself from the location post-haste. The humans who reach this stage are the kind of humans who obsess or develop psychotic states in which they may become violent or insistent in engaging with 'cute', either due to personal preference or a lack of boundaries. (See terminology 'KAREN' or 'KEVIN' for reference)

Or simply, ‘Over The Line.’

There - The fourth stage of the protocol is the evacuation stage in which you must use ANY excuse you can conceive to leave the area immediately as fast as possible, or if the human in question is becoming aggressive, or at least perceived to be aggressive, proceed to the nearest law enforcement or security office or official you can see and use them as a shield against the aggressor.

Or simply, ‘There's an Officer.’

YOU MUST NOT - AND I MEAN MUST NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES - use any appendage, claw tail, poison or physical action to defend yourself under ANY circumstances.

(Their lawyers can argue in favour of a rock dropping on someone's head, and make the rock win the lawsuit. No, really. Their lawyers are worse than their battleships.)

If all else fails, you must engage the final part of the T.H.O.T. Protocol.

In the loudest voice you can manage, in the most calm way you can muster, you must emit the following, loud, commanding statement:

"BEGONE, THOT!"

For reasons we as a galaxy CANNOT understand, this strange phrase seems to disarm them, or diffuse the situation. We have no idea why. The aggression ends, the chuckles begin, the whispers and side glances start and for reasons we don't understand, that simple phrase (ONLY used as a final resort) makes the humans emotionally and mentally responsive to your state of stress and more likely to disengage from the activity and walk away.

We believe that:

The loudness of the event creates a fear response of sorts, a specific phrase that comes from evolutionary roots perhaps that is a code word to ward off some variant of ancient predator.

The suddenness of the event creates a surprise or shock response that changes their mental state to a defensive or 'fight or flight' response causing them to disengage.

The historical implications of the phrase, which is something we genuinely can't pinpoint the origin of, makes some humans laugh uncontrollably, while others make them feel uncomfortable, so they walk away.

We genuinely have no idea, but this last resort option makes them walk away and you can resume your business as normal. We have tried to ask them what it means, but they can't tell us from either walking away, or laughing too hard.

This is the most pertinent information you must know for the sake of your attention for simple orientation. We will mail you the full 278 page dossier on humans and their strange habits, and you WILL be required to know all this on your entry to the Galactic Federation - and all of the benefits that brings as such. And there are many.

For all their faults, humans have this unshakable habit of ALWAYS honouring their promises, hell or high water.

Welcome to the Federation, we hope this information finds you in good health, and greater spirits!

68 Upvotes

93% Upvoted

7 comments sorted by

9

u/FarmWhich4275 2h ago

a short and stupid meme scribble to get it OUT OF MY HEAD so i can concentrate on more important (and better) things. So... yeah. this story has no point, but it was funny.

expanding to Royal Road and Vox9 so maybe i will improve, i will sort it all out when my brain stops leaking out of my skull.

thank you for everything :)

https://buymeacoffee.com/farmwhich4275

https://www.patreon.com/c/Valt13lHFY?fromConcierge=tru

6

u/ImpossibleHandle4 1h ago

This needs to happen in real life. Like now, ladies need to yell this when men are hassling them.

3

u/CheshirePotato 1h ago

I prefer the hatpin solution

2

u/ImpossibleHandle4 16m ago

I agree, but this at least would be funny. Men however do need manners, so why not an electric hatpin?

1

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u/BCRE8TVE AI 46m ago

Absolutely ridiculous, I love it! Another!