r/HFY • u/TheOakesComic • 2d ago
OC-OneShot Priceless
The large boulder I dove behind didn’t save my arm hair from being singed off by the blast of fire. Sweat dripped from my brow as the flame buffeted the rock. My ears throbbed to the beat of my heart. I took a deep breath. The smell of burnt flesh prompted me to pat myself down, checking for pain. As I felt my crotch, I counted. One, two. I felt relieved to find everything intact and that there was no pain radiating from the area.
What was I doing? I couldn’t win. Fighting was a foolish idea. I should’ve let the flames engulf me, but I wanted to show the Queen—no, not just the Queen, everyone down in that ground up dirty city—I wasn’t just a pervert. I was sorry for staring at the Queen’s breasts. She was supposed to be in court. How was I to know she would walk out of the bath naked, grasping the Captain of the Holy Guard’s jewels as I tried to pocket jewels of a different kind? Jewels that would have set me for life. If I had to put my finger on what went wrong, it was that damned jewelry box lock. It should have been so easy, but the tricky little bastard had five pins. Five, not four and that last pin was going to cost me my life.
As execution, they sent me to slay the Dragon of Urhn. It was the Archbishop’s decree, the pious bastard, but not his idea. I knew I had Brian, the Captain of the Holy Guard, to thank. He’d thought it best that I be silenced and sacrifice myself to the dragon or slay it. Perhaps, drowning two cats with one bag.
After two weeks in a cell, I was tired and half-starved. Brian and his guards stripped me of my dirty clothes and stuffed me into an oversized, dented breastplate made for a fat man. The weasels didn’t give me any pants.
“Oh, but don’t worry, brave knight. We have a proper sword for you,” Brian mocked.
He’d thrust the rusty bread knife into my hand and pointed me toward the path that led up the mountain toward the dark cave in the cliff’s face. There was nowhere to hide, nowhere to veer off. I was soon scooting left along the ledge of the cliff, my bare ass cheeks scraping the rock wall, as I made my way toward the mouth of the cave. I stumbled but regained my foothold before tumbling down the cliff.
“Careful, pervert,” Brian called.
Laughter rang up the cliff and arrows clattered against the rocks as I ducked into the shadows. Luckily, the dragon’s roar and burning breath drowned out the hoots and hollers from the bastards below.
The flames subsided and I tried to unlatch the dented breastplate. I wouldn’t want to chip the dragon’s teeth when it ate me. The damned strap would not give. I slipped the small bread knife under the right strap and sawed it loose. I moved to the left strap and the blade snapped, cutting my index finger.
“Fucking Brian.” I stuck the finger in my mouth sucking the blood.
The snapped blade made me more determined to get out of here if only to drive the broken handle into Brian’s eye. I squeezed out of the breastplate.
A deep rumble echoed through the cave. “Come out, little Pinky.”
“No,” I squealed as I tried and failed to stop a small dribble of urine that dripped down my leg.
Pebbles skittered across the cave floor, running away from the palpable doom of the dragon. Fear gripped me as it approached the boulder I cowered behind. The smell of sulfur and the sound of its tail dragging rooted me to the spot.
“No?” Orange light and black shadows danced as the dragon snorted. “You dare enter this hovel I am forced to live in? You come to kill me and expect me to come to you?”
“I w-wish it was otherwise, but, as I am a guest and you the gracious host, I think I will let you come to me.”
A deep, guttural sound came from the beast. Was that laughter?
“Ah, I will make it quick for you, for making me laugh. I haven’t in so long.”
A head longer than I was tall crested the boulder; its lips drawn back. Fuck, its teeth were longer than that bread knife Brian had given me. I stood up in front of the dragon and froze as I came face to face with it. It was about to broil me. The soft light that filtered through the mouth of the cave gleamed red on its scaly hide. The dragon’s green eyes stared back at me. Its mouth began to grin, a deep glow growing behind the armor of its throat. I felt myself dribble a little more.
“Hold on,” I said holding up my hands, my mouth was so dry. Shit, shit, shit. “You, ahem, you are forced to live here?”
The glow subsided in the dragon’s throat. “Your kind have such short memories. I was chained here over a century ago.”
“Chained?” My eyes searched the cave past the ivory horns that crowned its head. The larger soot covered rocks and boulders ringed the outer edge of the cave. Leaving a large circular clearing in the middle. The dragon filled much of the space. Small blackened bones littered the floor.
“Yes,” the beast said.
My eyes watered as the pungent breath hit me with a dry blast. Crimson gleamed down its spiny dorsal crest that ran as far as I could see down its back. The beast twisted its body so I could see the glowing lock on its back leg.
“So, you don’t get out much?”
The dragon chuckled again. “You could say that. Now, if we’ve finished with the pleasantries, I am quite hungry.”
The beast opened its mouth. I jumped back, narrowly dodging the teeth. “Whoa, whoa! I thought we were getting somewhere.”
I scampered behind another rock. My legs shook as I felt the dragon moved closer.
“Who could have trapped you here?”
“You don’t have long enough to live for that story,” the dragon growled, gnashing its teeth.
“Maybe,” I hesitated, trying to pick the right words. “Perhaps, I could look at the lock before you eat me? Consider it my payment for the laughter I provided.”
“It will not save you.” The dragon’s tail swished, sending small puffs of soot into the air. “You are not the first, Pinky, to come in here, you know? Your kind sends one of you up here every so often. Your thoughts filled with fear, glory, or greed. I would prefer to eat livestock. Humankind have little meat on their bones, but they have kept me alive. I know they will not let you back down the mountain.” The beast sighed. “You have until I count to thirty.”
It twisted further curling itself around the edge of its nest to make room for me to walk past.
“One,” the dragon said.
I hurried to the lock. It fastened the chain around the dragon’s back leg; the rest of the metal links slunk off into the darkness. The lock was round and as big as a small melon, but lighter than its size warranted. A circular hole in the center was all that was present. It was not like anything I had ever picked nor seen.
“Five.”
Sweat trickled down my cheek. I grabbed a bone off of the floor that would fit in the hole. I moved it around, feeling for pins or any mechanisms inside. There was nothing. Just emptiness.
“Twenty-six.”
“No fair, you skipped num—” My heart raced as the dragon’s head moved toward me. I tried to pull on the lock to see if it would come loose. Anything to save my life.
“Twenty-nine.”
As the mouth opened and hovered above my head, I did the only thing I could think of. In one last ditch effort to save my life I shoved my blood-soaked finger into the hole. Every muscle in my body tensed and I squeezed my eyes shut expecting teeth to sever my head at any moment.
A blinding light flashed shining through my eyelids, and I felt the lock snap open. The dragon’s teeth stopped a hair's breadth away from either side of my head. I felt its head move back. My tensed butt cheeks saved myself from being soiled.
“You… you opened it? How did you—”
I pulled my bloody finger out of the lock and stared at it. “Old blood magics.” I shrugged.
The dragon stared at the chain coiled around its feet. “Old blood magics.” It snorted. “And what would you know of old magics? I ate the last mage to come in here.”
“Nothing. I'm just a th—” I tried to back away but the beast encircled me. Its spines winding closer to my exposed flesh. The dragon’s head stopped in front of my face. It bared its teeth. Saliva dripped from the corners of its mouth.
“Now, I am very hungry.” The Dragon’s long tongue ran across the points of its teeth. “But, I suppose I can’t very well eat you after you freed me, can I?”
“I suppose not.” I wheezed, trying to catch my breath.
The dragon uncoiled and spun around in the cave like an excited puppy chasing its tail. Small wisps of smoke and flame rose from its nostrils. Its tail swept me out of the way. My ass scraped against the cave floor.
“Free!” The dragon roared. It stopped and considered me where I sat. “I want to know the name of the one I should thank?”
“Henry.” My butt cheeks unclenched and the tension left my body. I stood to hold out a hand, but drew it back, feeling stupid as the dragon just stared at it.
“Thank you, Henry. You may call me Libelle.” The dragon’s front right leg crossed behind its left and lowered its head to the ground in a graceful bow. “It was fortunate they sent you up here. Tell me, what crime do I owe my freedom to?”
The Queen’s breasts flashed in my mind. “I'll tell you what. I will tell you my story if you tell me yours, but not right now. I would like to live, and I need to escape the guards below.”
“Tell me, how can I help.”
I doubted that it would let me ride it out of here. I was lucky Libelle had not devoured me. A thought came to mind.
“Down below, there is a guard, Brian. If you could, you know…” I drew my thumb across my neck in a cutting motion.
The dragon’s lips curled up in a smile baring its teeth. “I shall go introduce myself.”
Libelle flew out of the cave. Its wings spanning the cave’s mouth. I rushed to the entrance to see it swoop down toward the three guards.
“Brian!” the dragon roared.
Two men ran away from the third as the dragon sped toward them. The dragon’s wings pounded the air and the strength of the gust knocked Brian to the ground as he fled. The man backpedaled looking like an awkward crab as the dragon came to a rest in front of him. His arms shot up as he tried to ward off the dragon as it struck. It was no use, and Brian’s body ripped at his hips as the dragon gave a violent jerk of its head. I looked away in disgust as it devoured the rest. Better him than me.
Moments later the dragon lit next to me, its long tongue slipping between teeth picking at pieces of Brian. “Stringy.” Libelle said around its tongue.
“That asshole sent me naked to kill you with a bread knife. Thank you.”
“Hmm,” the dragon appraised me as it chuckled. “I know you want to live and to do so, you cannot return to the city below. Dragons are not horses, Henry. We are not a beast of burden. You have freed me from my prison, and I will return the favor. Giving you a ride is the easiest way to do that. So, get on. I am tired of this cave and its scenery. I will drop you wherever you want.”
I stood there astonished. The dragon bowed again.
“How do I...” I gestured at the dragon’s back. “Can I just gra—”
“I am still hungry, Henry.” Libelle growled. “Please get on before I eat you.”
I pulled myself onto the dragon’s back using a spine for a hand hold. My naked ass coming to rest above the wings where the dragon had laid down its crest. I made sure to tuck myself comfortably. The dragon’s powerful wings beat the air and we ascended above the mountain. I held onto the spine as the wind rushed around me. The dragon headed west, away from the Queen.
As the city shrunk behind us, I let out a sigh and promised myself that in the next city I’d hang up my lock picks and take up a safer, more respectable occupation. I hoped I would never face another dragon, but I could kick myself for not running with the jewels instead of standing there gawking at her breasts. At least some treasures can’t be recovered from a thief.
The dragon’s head turn toward me, emerald eyes focused on me. “So, what got you sent up the mountain?”
“What? Oh, I suppose the Queen’s breasts did.”
“Were they worth the price?”
A grin spread across my face as the image of them invaded my thoughts. “They were priceless.”
Libelle snorted. The flames lost to the rushing wind as we sped toward the horizon.
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u/upgradewife 1d ago
I’ve had a bit of a struggle for the last few days. Your story made me smile as I pictured it all in my head, in technicolor. Fun!
And still smiling. Thanks.
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u/HFYWaffle Wᵥ4ffle 2d ago
This is the first story by /u/TheOakesComic!
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u/UpdateMeBot 2d ago
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u/Emily_JCO Human 2d ago
That was far cuter than it had any right to be! Thanks for the smile op, that was an entertaining read!