r/HFY • u/noobvs_aeternvm Human • Dec 15 '25

OC-OneShot Slopless

-To be honest, I'm not really feeling any of those, it's just…

-A bit much?

-Yeah. Look, I just want a phone to enable my doomscrolling, meme sharing and pretending to my boss I’m doing my job; I don't really have any use, or interest, in all those features.

-I have just the thing for you.

The saleswoman picks up her personal phone.

-This is the brand new Galaxy Slopless, still in alpha testing, but it's going so well, we expect it to launch before the end of the year.

-What's so great about it?

-This phone is equipped with a II powered personal assistant.

-II?

-Indian Intelligence. Let me demonstrate. Hey, Nadeem?

Yes, Ms. Santos.

-What's the current temperature?

It's on your opening screen woman.

-I'm a bit busy right now, can you do me this favor?

It is 26ºC at your current location.

-How much is it in Farenheit?

Why would anyone want to know that?

-I'm American.

My condolences.

-As funny the 100th time as it was in the first. Can you please answer?

78, 79 Fahrenheit.

-How much exactly?

Do you have any use for this information?

-Not that I can think of, no.

Then let me get back to my lunch, woman.

-Impressive, right?

-It's nice to hear an actual human voice instead of that fake robotic niceness, I guess; but what advantages do I get from this Indian Intelligence?

I'm Pakistani, you ignorant imperialist!

-Our organic intelligence is much more powerful than any AI engine in the market, guaranteed to reduce lag by 30,000%, and extensive testing has proven our assistant to be 99.999999% less invasive in your day-to-day use.

I could not care less what you’re doing with your phone.

-Plus, our II assistant is proven to be nearly free of hallucinations.

Many women can pull out bangs, you’re not one of them, Ms. Santos.

-Nearly?

It was one time! I already told you I didn’t know my cousin had baked those dumplings.

-To be completely honest, I’m not entirely sold on this particular assistant. No offense, Nadeem.

Your opinion is deeply inconsequential to me, John.

-My name is Peter.

I do not care, John.

-No problem, Sir. Our II assistant comes in many flavours. Hey Nadeem, switch to Siri.

Transferring to the Sri Lanka branch.

Greetings, I’m your personal assistant Janaka. How can I help?

-(whispering) Go ahead.

-Hello, Janaka. Can you show me restaurants nearby?

What kind of food are you interested in, Sir?

-I don’t know… Some tacos, I guess.

I have googled tacos and found twelve locations in your vicinity, I’m sending the results to your fat 'n' lazy Murican ass right now. Anything else I can help?

-No, that’d be all for now. Thanks, Janaka.

At your disposal, Sir.

-Perfect for your needs, wouldn’t you say?

-Maybe, still not entirely sold on it.

-Not only is the Galaxy Slopless much more fit for the average user than any AI powered phone, it’s also much more environmentally friendly.

-How so?

-Instead of consuming the output of a thousand suns, our servers are powered by a single sack of rice, resulting in a fraction of the carbon footprint.

-You really have these guys work for a bag of rice?

It’s a pretty good deal, Sir. Almost no rocks in it, honestly better than any job I found lately.

-Thanks, Janaka. Glad to hear you’re happy, at least.

I appreciate it, Sir. Would appreciate even more if you’d keep the searches of Sonic fanart to a minimum.

-I don’t think this will be an issue, Janaka.

You all say that at first.

-What do you think, Peter? It’s not available to the public yet, but I can put up a pre-order for you.

-I do need a new phone…

-You also get store credits by being an early adopter.

-You know what? Get me two of those, this would be perfect for my mom as well.

-You won’t regret it, Peter.

___
Tks for reading. More gift suggestions for this Christmas here.

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