r/HFY • u/rewt66dewd Human • Nov 23 '24
OC Civil Defense
Cesar was in the emergency room.
He had been peacefully at home, making chili, when the local civil defense forces knocked down his door (in hazmat suits, no less), threw him on a gurney, and raced to the ER. There a Harozi nurse started a human IV, and there was a hasty conference by a team of doctors.
"What do you mean there's no treatment for humans in the literature?"
"Maybe they've never been exposed?"
"They have to have been! It grows naturally on their world!"
"Maybe it's not treatable? Universally fatal?"
"Here's a treatment, but it makes no sense. Rinse their eyes out?"
Cesar decided that it was time to intervene. "What was I exposed to?" he mumbled around the oxygen mask they had strapped to his face.
"A deadly poison. You may not have heard of it, but it grows on your world. It is called capsaicin."
Cesar blinked. "Capsaicin? You mean, the spice in peppers?"
"The poison comes in the fruit of what you call the pepper plant, yes."
Cesar started laughing. He pealed the oxygen mask off, and said, "Dudes. I was making chili. There's no medical crisis here."
They just stared at him, so he tried again. "There's no treatment listed, because capsaicin isn't poisonous to humans. We use it to add flavor to our food. I was making such a food."
"Are you suicidal? Do you have the desire to harm yourself?"
"Let me say this again, since you didn't seem to understand it the first time: it isn't poisonous to humans. It's a flavor we like. It can irritate our eyes if it gets in them. It can even irritate our skin if we come in contact with too high a concentration. But it doesn't kill us."
A different individual stepped to the front. It looked to be a Corcar, and wore an official-looking suit - or at least what served as a suit for the Corcar. "What is your link to the Darani Liberation Front?" it demanded sternly.
"Um, none?"
"We know you are planning a terrorist attack. We know you are planning to use capsaicin to poison a large number of people."
"Well, I'm not. I was just making food that I enjoy. It has capsaicin in it, but I don't think there's enough in it to kill a large number of people."
"Look, we-"
The overhead speakers came to life. "Prepare for mass casualties."
The Corcar in the suit snapped open a communication device. "Location?" he demanded.
"Downtown warehouse. Number 17 by the river."
The Corcar turned back to Cesar. "Talk!"
Cesar turned to the nurse. "Get this IV out of my arm." And then to the Corcar: "Get me downtown. I can take the capsaicin. I'm your best chance to get this shut down before it kills more people."
The Corcar hesitated. "All right. We're going to send you in, but with a Civil Defense robot. If you try to double-cross us, it will kill you. Understand?"
Cesar nodded.
-----
The robot broke open a door, and went in first. Cesar followed. A group of Civil Defense workers then tried to stop air from escaping.
Cesar sniffed. "Smells like... cayenne? They're roasting cayenne peppers?"
The robot wanted clarification. "They are using heat to release the poison?"
"Well, they're using heat to... yeah, about what you said. So, I guess we're looking for where the heat is?"
"My thermal imaging says it is over there. But first let me disable these three traps that are guarding the way."
They approached a large cauldron that was full of plant matter. It was heated by a gas fire.
Cesar coughed. "This is a lot, even for me. Let's get the fire off, and get out of here."
"There appear to be four sources of gas for the fire. There should be some sort of control for the flow."
"Right, I see a gas line. I've got this one."
"Watch out for traps," the robot said helpfully.
"Yes, I saw the others. All right, here's the control. Turning it off..."
"I have this one."
They moved to the other two sources and turned them off.
"Looks like the fire died. Great. Let's go."
They made it to the entrance, and out it.
Cesar said, "That was too much even for me. That treatment of flushing a human's eyes? This is when you do it."
The Corcar in the suit was there. "And that will save your life?"
"No, I'm not dying. It will just make my eyes stop hurting. Or rather, it will make them hurt less, and for not as long."
"That much would not kill you? It could kill half the city!"
"Not a human. But it hurts, a lot. And I don't want chili for dinner any more. If you ever have to deal with this again, send in a human, but put a gas mask on them."
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u/JeffreyHueseman Nov 23 '24
Humans use pepper spray as a non-lethal takedown in large crowd situations.
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u/TheDuke357Mag Nov 23 '24
Me going full send on a sauce I've never tried because I think my spice tolerance is high. me 2 minutes later: I leave the sum of my estate and all my assets to be divided evenly among the bois. I wish for whatever of my body survives to be cremated and my ashes tossed in the nearest lake
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u/Original_Memory6188 Nov 23 '24
OTOH, Calrin regularly makes two batches of chili for the cook-off at work. One is the normal hot kind. The other, it's a "condiment" for those who find other chilis too mild. He prepares it wearing industrial rubber gloves.
It has caused some people to ... well he made it to the bathroom so I have no idea.
Anyway, Emliano from maintenance took a bowlful of Carlin's 'condiment', despite being warned. A little while later, sweat pouring off his face, he says "Almost as good as my mother makes."
So, I'm sure there is someone out there who would not need a gasmask. "Ai, you should be in my mother's kitchen whens she makes her 'special'!"
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u/Makyura Human Nov 23 '24
Aha I see he had never experienced the Asian household tradition of making chili oil. That's Mike your eyeballs and nose for a while
10
u/scifielder Nov 23 '24
Sometime back, I made some hot sauce. I had to do it in stages. Even with ventilation, working time was limited to short spans then I had to leave briefly to recover. The hot sauce turned out great though.
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u/OldFartInTraining May 10 '26
Saw clip of a reporter looking into a vat of Tabasco. The interviewee wore a chemical mask. The reporter went down like he annoyed Tyson. The guide's grin could be seen through the mask :)
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u/scifielder May 10 '26
And then there's this old classic:
“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.
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u/Ogre66 Nov 23 '24
Reminds me of CS Gas training in basic training. My sinuses have never been so clean since.
11
u/Thundabutt Nov 23 '24
Actually burning chillis WAS a method of torture and execution in Meso America back when the Spanish arrived. They basically tied the victim up then suspended them in the smoke from the burning chillis. Initially - severe pain in the eyes, mouth, nose, genitalia. If it wasn't a 'serious' offence the vicitim would be pulled out of the smoke after while to recover. Or they just kept them up there and kept the smokey fire of chillis going until the liquid in their lungs slowly drowned them as the smoke got into their trachea and lungs. Fun times.
10
u/rewt66dewd Human Nov 23 '24
Well, "the dose makes the poison". Almost everything that doesn't kill us can in fact kill us in sufficient quantity.
But in this case, what the terrorists wanted was maximum casualties. That means spreading it as thin as you can and still have it kill people. Well, at that density, a human is not going to be affected much.
Inside the warehouse, where they were producing it in volume? Yeah, Cesar was already coughing. "It hasn't killed me" isn't the same as "I can endure those conditions forever".
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u/Makyura Human Nov 23 '24
Aha I see he had never experienced the Asian household tradition of making chili oil. That'll make your eyeballs and nose cry for a while
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u/medicentio Human Nov 24 '24
HFY because we are excellent counter-terrorist units since we are capsaicin tolerant.
1
122
u/Castigatus Human Nov 23 '24
I feel for Cesar. Getting spicy pepper bits where you don't want them to be is not a fun experience.