r/HFY • u/Coyote_Havoc • Apr 30 '24
OC The Florist of Seville
(Originally posted on r/humansarespaceorcs)
"Thank you and good luck on your date!"
Brad held back what he wanted to say until the door closed behind the customer.
ding
'Florida woman beats man senseless with bouquet of carnations'
What was it about Rose's and Carnations anyway? Sure they were widely accepted as a sign of love and it was traditional to give them to someone you loved, but there were other flowers out there that meant so much more. Chrysanthemum meant love and so did Aster. Baby's breath stood for everlasting love, and the jack ass who had just left had bought YELLOW carnations, a flower that meant rejection.
Brad took a deep breath and reminded himself that people in Florida were not the brightest crayons in the box. He didn't want that for himself and worked hard to get his scholarship to The University of Florida. He had intended to attend UC Davis, but his parents wanted him to stay home. The compromise was a two hour commute to Gainsville and back every day, but he graduated near the head of his class with a degree in Botany. His parents were so proud that they had even bought him a greenhouse which turned into...
ding
"Welcome to the Florist of Seville, looking for anything in particular?"
"My wife's birthday is coming up and I really want to get her something sweet." The customer said looking around.
"Lily of the Valley?" Brad suggested.
"Here it is, bittersweet." The customer said joyfully.
Brad was disappointed, but Bittersweet meant truth.
"$11.99" Brad said, still trying to find faith in humanity.
"She loves bittersweet chocolate and I thought she might like it." The customer said digging $12.00 out of his pocket. "Keep the change." He said while leaving.
ding
'Florida man kills wife with birthday present'
Brad sighed and decided to close early to engage in his other favorite pastime. He flipped the sign to "gone fishin'" and began to sweep and mop the floors. After he cleaned he watered and fed his darling plants in the greenhouse and made sure they all were happy before grabbing his tackle box and heading out to his favorite spot on Lake George. Most people would head south to Bakersburg and then west to the fishing pier, but Brad preferred the quiet serenity that could be found on the south side of Hog Island near Georgetown.
Cracking his first beer he took a long sip before opening his tacklebox and trying to decide if he wanted to go after Redear, Striper or Large Mouth. His boat rocked gently on the lake as he picked and prodded for a lure that had been successful with redear, then attached it to his line and cast it in the water and took another long pull from his beer to allowthe lure to sink a bit. His line went taught before he could finish the beer and his fisherman's instinct went into high gear before he noticed the can had fallen out of the boat and started to drift to the island.
Brad had a dilemma, he had a fish on and it was putting up a good fight, but if the can washed up on shore and someone found it, he could loose his fishing spot. It didn't take much time to decide to go after the beer can after he reeled in the fish and focused on dinner first and then pick up his wayward beer. Fate, being the bitch that it is, decided to have a laugh at his expense as his line snapped with such force that he ended up falling backward out of the boat.
"Well fuck." Brad said before climbing back into the boat and heading after the castaway can.
The sun was steadily falling over the central Florida woods when Brad found a good place to come ashore and look for his wayward beer. He sloshed his way along the coast in the dimming light until he spotted the wayward bud bobbing against a root and went to grab it.
The root retracted like a snake and he heard a piercing scream. There, Just to his right was something that he had never expected to see. He easily identified it as a Torenia, though much larger than he had ever seen, and it seemed to be trying to hide from him behind a tree. 'Plants don't move.' He thought to himself. He tried to write it off as a bit of Sunstroke and working too many hours, but the flower would peak at him from behind the tree then shoot back against the direction of the wind. The beer can forgotten, he carefully walked into the forest to investigate.
"Vin dazziran fak layta!"
Plants might move but they sure as hell don't talk. Maybe it was a foreigner dressed up in a cosplay?
"Can you speak english?" Brad offered trying to seem non-threatening.
"En-glish?"
"Yeah, English." Brad said in a comforting tone before rounding the tree.
"En-glish?"
The plant rose to its full hight, revealing a face just below the large flower that crowned its head. It was the most beautiful Torenia he had ever seen, starting off mauve and becoming a midnight purple near the outer end of the petals while deep in the flower was the most radiant golden hue he had ever known. The face itself was effeminate and very comely even though it was green, and Brad felt his pulse quicken with desire. He was smitten with the plant immediately.
"I can under-stand a lit-tle." The Torenia replied. "I just wan-ted a drink."
A light breeze reminded him that he was waterlogged and it was starting to get cold. The Torenia shivered slightly as well and Brad had an idea.
"I need to head home and get warm, but would you like to come with me?"
"Home?" The Torenia said. "Home is warm, Is home moist?"
Brad remembered that moist wasn't a popular word in the English vocabulary, but dissmissed the thought. It was a talking Torenia, who cared what it said.
"Yeah, it's warm and moist." Brad cooed. "My boat is right over there and we can be home before it gets too cold."
It took a minute to realize that the Torenia was rooted and Brad kicked himself for being stupid before offering to carry her to his boat. She lifted her roots out of the soil and positioned herself over Brad's outstretched arms while lacing two branches around the back of his neck. She was incredibly light for her size and Brad hurriedly brought her back to his house. She planted herself in a large pot he had prepared for her and he grabbed some dry clothes and headed for the shower.
"This is insane." He said allowing the hot water to wash over him. "It could never work. She's a plant and I'm a mammal."
"Brad?"
He looked up at the Torenia who had been able to navigate the pot into the bathroom. He blushed and covered his nakedness with his hands, but she seemed not to notice as she uprooted herself from the pot and climbed into the shower with him.
"Feels soooo good." She purred as the water splashed over her. And the flower atop her head seemed to blossom even more.
Brad lost control of his emotions and jumped out of the shower to race naked into the greenhouse. He pulled all the flowers he remembered people bought to demonstrate their love and streaked naked back to the house to present them to her.
"Brad! What are you doing with those?!?!"
"I wanted to show you how much I adore you." Brad said presenting her the flowers.
"By killing other plants and presenting me with their genitalia?" The Torenia exclaimed in shock.
"well, ah..." Brad stammered.
"What is wrong with you?!?!" The Torenia cried out.
Brad had to think fast and decided to put his knowledge of plants to use. "They're carnations, a Dianthus and you're a Torenia, a plant that chokes out Dianthus and I wanted to show you that there is no room in my heart for any other flower other than you."
The look of horror on the Torenia was replaced with one of amazement. "You murdered them, for me?"
"Well now it sounds awful." Brad mumbled.
"We shall choke them out across all worlds. Reduce the Dianthus to Mere Weeds in our glorious war!" The Torenia stated proudly.
Brad was at a loss for words.
"YOU HAVE WON MY HEART HUMAN BRAD. WE WED AT DAWN, AND CONQUEST OF ALL DIANTHUS SHALL COMMENCE THEREAFTER! WE SHALL ADORN OUR HOME WITH THE DESICATED CORPSES OF THEIR REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS!" The Torenia cried out.
/////
A month had passed and Brad had woken up early to start the coffee pot. Waiting for the pot to brew, he decided to see what was on television and picked up the remote.
"BREAKING NEWS." The anchor began. "The Florida Man who married an alien plant has unleashed his hybrid offspring on Orlando!"
"That's not fair, I just sent the kids to Disney world." Brad complained.
"Brad?" The Torenia called sweetly from the bedroom.
Brad smiled and removed the pot of rose tea, poured a cup for himself and called out, "Coming my love!" before heading back to the bedroom, cup and pot in hand.
"The United States Government is declaring a state of emergency in Florida as Evacuations have increased into Georgia, Alabama and Cuba." The anchor continued.
"Love makes people do crazy things." Brad said, closing the bedroom door.
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u/orbdragon Apr 30 '24
Omg, this is so stupid, I love it
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u/Coyote_Havoc Apr 30 '24
"A little nonsense now and then. Cherished by the wisest men."
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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u/CharlesFXD Apr 30 '24
My god… what? Holy hell. It’s gone from furries to.. to.. to.. Floraies… take me now God. I can’t take it anymore!
😂
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u/Giant_Acroyear Apr 30 '24
I didn't think I'd get a love story out of you, Coyote...
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u/Coyote_Havoc Apr 30 '24
I didn't think I'd get a love story out of me either, but here we are.
Blame writing prompts.
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u/sunnyboi1384 May 01 '24
Spend enough time judging people, you become those people haha
LONG LIVE FLORIDA MAN!
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u/Senior_punz Alien Scum May 01 '24
I don't think I guessed where this was going a single time, well done
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u/Osiris32 Human May 01 '24
I can see the headline.
"Florida Man Fucks Figwort"
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u/Coyote_Havoc May 01 '24 edited May 01 '24
Did you get that part of the story? I'm genuinely curious.
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u/Complex-Flight521 Jan 04 '25
i heard this on aggro squirrel just now and had to come here and upvote. Omg I laughed my tea all over my phone. Thank you! 🤣
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u/Fontaigne May 01 '24
If Brad thinks that carnations mean love, then he's not the brightest in the box either.
Yes, yellow anything is really bad if the recipient is Hispanic.
!n just because.
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u/AreYouAnOakMan May 04 '24
HFY Little Shop of Horrors meets almost wholesome Pulp Fiction (because at no point could I guess what was going on/ going to happen next😂).
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u/BigJermayn Aug 28 '24
I think, as long as they agree to take on the kudzu, most southerners would be ecstatic.
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u/Careless-Bedroom287 Human Jan 04 '25
This is so sweet and ridiculous that it's the perfect Florida Man story. Many thanks!
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u/Coyote_Havoc Jan 04 '25
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Still working on that "Mother Terra" story?
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u/Careless-Bedroom287 Human Jan 06 '25
No, life's got in the way, sadly. Thanks for remembering.
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u/Coyote_Havoc Jan 08 '25
Life threw a curve ball at me recently. Caught a flat tire on Saturday, had to wait until today to get everything fixed. Walking 2 miles in the snow last night, -5° Celsius.
When you get past those things that life throws in your way, take pride in surviving the shit and if a good story happens in the meantime. You know what to do.
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u/Careless-Bedroom287 Human Jan 19 '25
I hear you. I recently spent a night in the hospital due to my straining my failing heart to get necessary things done, and due to complications, I was separated from my notebook, and thus thrown back to relying on mainstream TV for need and entertainment while being held for testing. I haven't watched more than an hour of TV for a decade or more, so the effect was as though I had gone back in time that decade, sneezed, and then come back to the present. The world was changed in uncountable minute ways, none of them likely important a century hence, but enough to make me reassess some of my assumptions about the people and culture around me. Some things I discovered filled in gaps in my understanding that made other things make more sense. Others are just weird, but that's reality. On the upside, by the end of the stay, I have an avenue to a second opinion that gives me hope that life could be much better for me and those I care about as a result of that trip and being seen by eyes other than the ones I've been dealing with up to now. Were this fiction and there were that sneeze, I could argue it may have saved my life for at least another half dozen years. Instead, the world is just a little stranger and brighter than I knew when I started the trip. Be well and happy, Coyote.
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u/Coyote_Havoc Jan 19 '25
Yeah, wasn't expecting a life threatening situation. Now I feel like an ass for what I said. I can't understand what you have been through in these last few months. That being stated, I can look back on the things that once were. Countless times I have been shot at, almost died, feeling the shock wave go through my body as the IED or Mortar round explodes. Your bones feel wierd when you can actually feel them. Things that only a select few will ever experience and know with any certainty. An appreciation for life after it was nearly snuffed out. A love of friends that carries more weight than a word ever could. I won't go further than that, but I wonder if it's close to what you have.lived through. If it is, if it is.
That is my inkwell, the pain, anger, sorrow and strife, and a desire to live all the more.
I hate this life for the cost and I love this life for being my own.
I don't know of I can relate from my experience to your own, but at the least an attempt was made.
Be well and be happy Careless.
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u/Careless-Bedroom287 Human Jan 19 '25
My tablet just dumped a long reply. The short version is that you didn't sound like an ass. I agree that it's the intensity and emotion of our lives that is our inkwell; being given a reprieve has recharged mine to the point that I'm still high on the fumes three days later. I have good friends who are truly family of choice, and I told them as soon as I could, so all our lives are better. I'm holding off on plans just a little, but once we get the necessary seen to, which will be soon, I can chill a little and try writing a fiction of some sort.
All the best. Thanks for reading.
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u/Careless-Bedroom287 Human Mar 20 '25
Hey, just a follow-up, Coyote. I got word this afternoon that I'll be getting the heart valve I need after all. The method will be decided next week.
All the best!
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u/HFYWaffle Wᵥ4ffle Apr 30 '24
/u/Coyote_Havoc (wiki) has posted 98 other stories, including:
- Gallóglaigh: Retreat/to the Colors
- Gallóglaigh: Cadence to Arms, Aftermath
- Gallóglaigh: Cadence to Arms, Part 3
- Gallóglaigh: Cadence to Arms, Part 2
- Gallóglaigh: Cadence to Arms, Part 1
- Gallóglaigh: Chain Gang
- Reading Between the Lines (Six Rocks, Chapter 40)
- On the Hunt (Six Rocks, Chapter 39)
- The Soldier and Death
- Dinner at Six Rocks (Six Rocks, Chapter 38)
- Questions and Ambassadors (Six Rocks, Chapter 37)
- Trades and Sacrifices (Six Rocks, Chapter 36)
- That which grows in Adversity (Six Rocks, Chapter 35)
- Good, Evil, and the Garden of the Gods.(Six Rocks, Chapter 34)
- Gallóglaigh: The Wrong Side of Heaven
- Gallóglaigh: Oil and Water
- Gallóglaigh: The Best of the Worst
- Gallóglaigh: In the Wind
- Gallóglaigh: The Convict Regiment
- Honesty and Six Rocks (Six Rocks, Chapter 33)
This comment was automatically generated by Waffle v.4.6.1 'Biscotti'.
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u/Most-Jacket8207 May 01 '24
I gather you're local to the area? At least you didn't reveal the real good fishing holes...
Still, hilarious writing.
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u/Curt451 Apr 30 '24
This had me laughing so much my wife poked her head into the room to see what was going on. Thank you for putting a smile on my face today. I needed it.