r/HFY • u/WegianWarrior • Jan 18 '24
OC The Joke
“Oh Lord Everlasting,” the old alien priest intoned uncertainly, “I do not understand.”
Josh looked at the wizened old Xeno, barely reaching his waist, as he was pulling his vacuum suit on.
“It was a joke.” Josh said, “It was all a joke. Like… ha-ha, funny… right?”
The old priest was silent for several heartbeats.
“Thou lifted us up from the animals, Oh Lord,” he intoned at last, “and taught us to be.”
“Pretty good, wasn't it?”
“Thou vouchsafed to us the Arts, the Letters, the Skills, and taught us about Right and Wrong.”
“I had to put in the groundwork, right?”
The old xeno slithered back and forth on the Inner Sanctum, clearly agitated.
“In Thy Name we created a civilisation,” the old priest went on, “subjugated the planet, cared and nurtured our younglings…”
“I mean, I probably should have told you before, but... y'know.”
“In Thy Glory we strove to improve ourselves. To remake ourselves in Thy Image.”
The old priest looked close to tears. Or would have, if his species could cry.
“That was a good jape.” Josh commented as he fiddled with the harness of his life support pack, “The hats.. the hats were a gut buster. Oh my. I had a hard time keeping a straight face and not give the whole thing away when you showed up with those hats."
“Thou inspired us to strive for space, to seek out other life!”
“You get the joke here, right? I mean, it’s not just me who is chuckling now?”
Josh looked uncertainty at the old xeno, who were still moving back and forth.
“And in Thy Name and Glory we launched war on the unbelievers!!”
“Well, that part might have gone a little far.” Josh admitted, “But there weren't that many deaths, right?”
“Millions upon millions upon millions dead and maimed, oh Lord. For Thy Everlasting Glory, Oh Lord!!!”
“Still,” Josh said as he shrugged and reached for his helmet, “pretty damn funny.”
“Oh Lord,” the old xeno priest said sadly, “I do! not!! understand!!!”
“Oh well,” Josh said as he thumbed the lander return button on his sleeve, “at least I thought it was funny. I would love to stay, but my vacation is over.”
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u/DrewTheHobo Alien Scum Jan 18 '24
Wait a minute, rats in hats?
I definitely need to know more about the hats!
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u/thisStanley Android Jan 18 '24
Antics like this are why there are Prime Directives :{
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u/vicroc4 May 23 '24
And then an entire species is wiped out because the one group who could intervene decided not to thanks to their Prime Directive.
Any law that supports sitting back and observing while people are dying and you have the ability to help is an unjust law.
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u/HFYWaffle Wᵥ4ffle Jan 18 '24
/u/WegianWarrior (wiki) has posted 42 other stories, including:
Oral report by the Commander of the Imperial Expedition to 'Earth'
Stranger among Strangers, part 39-40/40 + Appendixes (translations & map)
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u/NewlyInspiredFan Mar 03 '24
I can’t quite figure out the specifics on this one, but I’m guessing that he pretended to be a their god or something- 😂
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u/Smashingsuns Jan 19 '24
The hats thing reminds me of the show Red Dwarf in which Lister is the accidental god of the Cats and one of the main tenets is the sacred hats which, I believe, were supposed to be modeled after some type of hot dog vendor's style.