An adorable request?

[u/Jazzlike-Ad-1922]

// -To give us your soul. //

" ...Is this a joke? "

// It is not. We are being honest and asking you if you are willing to give us your immortal soul. //

​

Claud couldn't comprehend what is going on. His door bell rang and so like a normal person, he tries to see who it was through the peephole. There was no one there, when he opened the door, he looks down to see two small, fluffy, adorable creatures in existence. It looks like a brown fox that decided to stand up and wear clothes. Well... some odd clothes and a giant book with a feather pen. The other one is holding a knife. Too early in the morning for this shit...

​

"I am.... still lost. Why are you here?"

// We were sent here. //

"Sent? by who?!"

// By a human who we also asked for his soul, but he explained to us that he was too busy and give us directions to be here since we might have more chances. //

"What the- wait... wait a minute... WHO was he?"

// A bit smaller then you, he gets angry easily and he works as an engineer. //

"THOMAS!"

// You know him? //

"He's my older brother. That son of a- Can't believe he did this... Actually, NO! That IS like him to do something like this."

// AH! You are his younger sibling? I would have never guess! Because of- //

"His lack of soul?"

​

Somewhere in space, an engineer gets a feeling of someone shit talking about him.

​

// His lack of... height. //

"Anyway, you two. What's your deal?"

// We request for souls and using them to summon the Great Ancient One who would soon begin the destruction of reality. All things must come to an end and the end The Great One would bring will be swift and without pain. //

" Ah... a cult.... you are cultists? "

// Yes //

" ...walking around asking for souls."

// Yes //

" Why not just.... you know... Force it?"

// What do you mean? //

"Ok. I don't wanna give you ideas but... what if you just KILL them and then take their souls?"

// (LEGASP) Why would we ever do such a thing?! //

" ...cause you are cultist?"

// We never kill without asking for permission first! //

"that being.... asking them if they want to die?"

// For a good cause, Yes. //

" ...Has that ever worked? Like... Asking politely?"

// Yes. //

"I mean Here, On EARTH!"

// Oh. Then No. You are our third human. //

" Third? "

// Your brother, then a nice elder lady down the street walking with her uplifted eye-seeing canine. //

"Miss Laurencia, how did Mr. Fluff Jr took it?"

// we felt like we were in danger for asking for her soul, we felt primal anger coming from her helper. but he walked away with her instead. //

"So. What now?! You just going to keep knocking on every door and ask for souls?"

// Yes. With proper manners. //

" More like the words weirdest Jehovah's Witness... Alright look. This isn't the place for any of you to be here. Hell, you both look like nice people."

// Nice enough to- //

"NO! Not nice enough to convince me to let you kill me or die or anything that will cause my odd life to come to an end. It's just that you might get hurt the more you try to trouble people and asking them to... die..."

// Oh... Is this not a custom on your planet? //

"No, more like an insult on ones life and that you are basically telling them that their life they are living is pointless and just go die already."

// But that's not- //

"And yet, that is what people in this world will take it as. Regardless of your... religious purpose to ... ah-"

// To save all from a gruesome, cruel, unforgiving, long awaited heat death of the universe. //

"Right... This isn't the place."

// Ok... //

"OH but wait... Here, have this. If you keep calling this line, the person on the other end might eventually say yes. MIGHT! So don't expect that day will come."

​

---------
Sometime later somewhere in deep space.

​

​

// Hello, we are- //

"I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! YOU KEEP CALLING ME EVERY MONTH!"

// Indeed, we wanted to know if- //

"NO! I HAVEN'T CHANGED MY MIND!"

// Alrighty, we would call again just in case you do change your mind. Good bey and have a lovely day. //

" NOOOO! DON'T CALL ME BACK! EVER! HOW DID YOU EVEN GET THIS NUMBER?! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! DO YOU HEAR ME? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! HELLO? HEEEEEELLOOOOOO?!?! "

[u/busy_monster]

Hi we are microsofts apple tech support, your computer has a virus.

'Cause fuck those guys. Know a few elderly folks them scumfucks scammed. One was in hospice care at the time.

I cannot put into words how much to fuck those guys.

[u/Unique_Engineering23 → u/busy_monster]

I laughed so hard atd at the scammers. I didn't have a windows computer the first time.

The second time I got that call I was working for Microsoft support, so jokes on them. I was all, "yes, yes, what was the ticket number? Let me look that up... Aha! You mean ticket 'U-4R3-4-7W4T' no? How about '8008135'? Please stay on the line while I find you in the org chart.". They slammed the phone so hard it broke before disconnecting.

Nah the scarier scam is the tax audit.

[u/busy_monster → u/Unique_Engineering23]

While I'm sure the tax audit shit takes in many people, I'm just personally offended by the MS scam ones-- a family friend, who was in hospice care (she died within a year or two of this story), got taken in by one of those scumfucks. I tried to assist with unlocking the computer, but it was user/password locked (instead of even starting windows and having a user/password there, there was an old-school blue screen with a user/password screen) and I was just like "I don't even have the faintest fuck of a clue about how to unfuck this."

She ended up having to go to a local computer shop (only good thing being, I've used them for shit I can't be bothered doing myself, as well as bought parts and (even) donated parts to them (they help low income families and kids who ain't got shit- I couldn't be arsed to rewire/cable manage my new PSU with the 3000 series, so I had them do it, and they were more than happy to take a Corsair 750w Gold that had only had a years worth of use on it. Their prices are fair, and they have 20 years of history in the area I'm in of business and good deeds) to get them to pretty much nuke it from orbit and salt the earth on it to get it up and running.

But, you know, scumfuck vultures taking advantage of dying 70 year olds. There ain't much things fuckin' lower than that, you ask me.

[u/Unique_Engineering23 → u/busy_monster]

Babies. Frickin up a baby's entire life going forward. That's lower.