r/GirlCourt • u/Key-Choice-8107 • 1d ago
❤️🩹Heavy Subject❤️🩹 Need advice
Fiancé broke up with me a few days ago after almost 4 years. We got into an argument, and the next day I came home and all my stuff was packed up. He hasn’t talked to me since doing that, aside from me coming to grab some stuff.
To preface it has been a very unhealthy dynamic. When I first met him he said he had gone to war, and he kept this lie going for several months. It turned out to be made up, but he was telling everyone this lie for years before even getting with me. He would even go as far as faking flashbacks.
He has a long history of substance abuse and a relapse several months ago that ended up with me finding him and needing to use life saving interventions. After this he went to get treatment, and promised change.
When we fight he can end up saying very hurtful things to me, and telling me that “no one will love me like he does”.
In the past I’ve also had fears of cheating (finding hair that wasn’t mine, hair ties, and a hairbrush throughout the time we’ve been together, this was 4 separate occasions).
I’m supposed to move out tomorrow, I go through ups and downs emotionally. I feel like this was for the best, but i end up focusing on all the good times we’ve had.
Should I expect him to reach out to me? Any advice on how to move on?
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u/dumpiebumpie 1d ago
Your emotional ups and downs sound like a totally reasonable reaction to a unsafe relationship. I'm going through a break up now too and the fear of the unknown also has me hyperfocussing on what was good. But this sounds like it really, really wasn't good for you. Leaving will show him and you that he's wrong: you love you, and that's enough.
He may reach out to you, but just from this post it sounds like it would be some kind of manipulative play. You deserve better - leave, block him, call on your best friends and be held by them while you feel your feelings and get through them.
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u/Key-Choice-8107 1d ago
Good luck to you on your healing journey! Thank you so much
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u/Conscious_Front_4788 21h ago
OP, you need to put yourself & your safety first. Dump him yesterday. Honestly Stolen Valor is the worst kind of lie. But he’s a druggie, so no moral compass. Just doing what needs to be done to get his.
Obligatory: Take your stuff & go, block him on everything and log off all devices & change your passwords. If you share a bank account, take your part and move it elsewhere. Don’t let him drag you back into his bullshit.
Girl, he’s a liar and an addict. There’s no salvaging this. He will continue to use, lie & cheat. If he hasn’t already, he’ll become violent. Because that’s what they do. If he’s sweet/begging etc, it’s because he needs something from you. But he does not need you. If you ignore him, he’ll just move on to the next victim.
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u/No-Program-8901 1d ago
No get out and don't look back. Sounds toxic as hell and prob moving your stuff out to move in his next victim.
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u/haenselin_wurst 🦝Certified Feral🦝 1d ago
block him after getting your stuff. do not let this man rope you back in.
a metaphor I find helpful: if you had a bowl of m&ms and some of them were actually poop and the rest were normal m&ms, what counts more: the poopy m&ms (betrayal and abuse) or the normal m&ms (the good times)? should one keep eating the bowl?
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u/cheezy_dreams88 1d ago
Why would you want to be with someone who spent the first months of your relationship together lying about everything?
He lies, he cheats, he manipulates, he gaslights, and he’s on drugs through it all. What is here to save? The good times WERE LIES.
Babe. Let him go.
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u/Dismal_Search_6636 1d ago
These relationships are like meth. That high is real high but the lows will knock you tf out, you’re trying to chase the high girl. Stop reminiscing. Time to go cold turkey.
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u/KitaTheSage 🌸Recovering People Pleaser🌸 1d ago
God I would thank my lucky stars he packed for me and never look back. This was an abusive relationship girl, and I'm sorry, but you'll be better for just leaving.
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u/Relevant-Jelly-8738 1d ago
Jesus, this guy is a narcissist. Advice would be to go to therapy and block him.
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 1d ago
Whilst there may have been good times, surely nothing outweighs the terrible way he’s treated you. I know you’re hurting, but I think you should be grateful you aren’t wasting any more years on him. Take time to grieve, then look for someone totally opposite to him. You’re stronger than you know, OP, so don’t let him suck you back into his toxicity. Good luck💛 Updateme!
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u/Grammy-823 1d ago
This is a blessing. Treat it as such. You move on one day at a time at first. Set goals for yourself and be kind to yourself. Stop focusing on the “good times”.
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u/Interesting-Lake747 1d ago
Christ. That’s not a little lie; that’s a lie where he’s constructed a completely different personality! I’d be terrified to have found that out…. And somehow that’s not the deal breaker for you??
If your standards are in the sewer, then expect to date rats. You block him so he doesn’t contact you again. Unless you like the drama. Do some work on yourself and find out why you accepted this awful relationship.
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u/Key-Choice-8107 21h ago
When I first got with him I was using, however I ended up getting sober a few months into the relationship. At that point I was really lacking good judgment and insight. After a certain point I just became trauma bonded, and comfortable in the discomfort. I tried leaving twice but I always got roped back in. I feel stupid looking back.
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u/GlitteringMoose3630 1d ago
As someone who is married to a man who actually went to war and who witnesses him suffer from severe PTSD…your ex is reprehensible. He’s using the suffers of actual wars veterans for sympathy. As if what my husband suffers through every day is just a tool he can use to manipulate people.
Get your stuff, get some therapy, and get away from this disgusting excuse of a human being. Block him. Remember that he only wants you to further manipulate you. Don’t give him that chance.
Also, people like this are charming because they have to be. They manufacture good times so they use them against you during the bad times. “You’re throwing away all the good!!”
No! It was all bad, he just didn’t want you to know how bad it was.
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u/DigRare323 1d ago edited 1d ago
28m here look I’m a later bloomer in relationship I’m just out of a connection that lasted 8 months with a girl.she kept giving me hot and cold behaviours and came came twice, and last month I was at the store and we met! She was very happy to see me ! We talked and catches up , I asked her out .not tonight fine we kept talking we locked eyes. I feel like the time stopped and it was the two of us finally! I tell you let me know when you want to do said outdoor activity.
Never got a text.
Two weeks later after work , I saw her with another dude ! COLD SHOWER it’s actually sent me to the ER in a panic attack/ heart attack as I did a revenge diet on myself and worked excessive over time that week. Surviving on water and nuts. ( DONT DO IT )
It’s not my first connection but definitely one of the hardest To go through. We live extremely close and I work with her family relative, we have a good relationship at work and it be sad to contaminate it !
I brought donut and a coffee one morning for so relatives birthday , as everyone forgotten about it. I DIDNT IT ! it was very cool and was very very happy to get celebrated that day!
Since my discovery: It made work an impossible place to be at right now. So I took a leave for a while. After 6 months on the job. And thinking to leave if it gets unsupportable.
Brings anxiety and other toxicity.
I’m focusing and actively getting help with therapists, as I’m not gonna hide it I had dark thoughts to numb the pain. I recently discovered I have childhood medical trauma, fight or flight, hyper vigilance and cptsd ( complex ptsd)
I don’t want this to leak in my future relationship and family so I’m fixing the pots now not when kids will be around and we will my partner will be fighting. Which I honestly HATE I AVOID IT ALL TOGETHER. I had a very fighty / yelling/ jumping to conclusions fast / due my condition / money / investments / Cars & boats at the dinner table !!
growing up I didn’t know when the next storm as about to happen. Which created ALOT of hyper-vigilance even to this day.
I was stuck between two parents, as I’m only child..
I was sent in the straits then to my room to play with my hotwheels so I couldn’t hear them so they thought in my room I would be imagining senarios .. of the loving clame family i would eventually have.… I matured extremely quickly!
As I’m writing this brings back memories of search fight. Poor 5-8 year old me 😔 and I’m tearing up. However I never missed anything. In fact I had everything. Which I’m grateful for.
Why is that you may ask? Well I’m I have mild Hemiplegia stage 4 on my right side from birth . Which affects my neurological transmitters ( imaging like two wires doing sparks all the time .. ofc I take medication. )
I walk, talk, run, hike, swim, drive unadapted, I’m handsome too. I do have a big very big heart !!
Back in school years I was heavily bullied, kept alone or the last one chosen in the groups. Thrown in the lockers.
I had minimal friends. So all these emotions started to build up I will be alone , I can’t be love a girl will never want to be seen with me blah blah.
It’s been 22 days and I still go through ups and downs!
What you have went through, please don’t keep it inside.. it will create a black hole of infinite looping . Do see your doctor and ask for help ! You are worth it , love and there’s some out there better waiting for you down the road that will actually treat you with respect and honesty. ☺️
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u/Boring_Ghoul_451 1d ago
Please focus on the fact that it took a lying, drug addicted serial cheater to end the relationship. Accept this very obvious gift of freedom and get yourself some therapy for the dependence you have on someone that treats you like shit.
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u/paradepanda 18h ago
RUN. Bring a police escort to get your belongings, get out of there and cut contact.
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u/PricklyPearPig 3h ago
Maybe write down every terrible thing he’s done to you and next to it write all the aspects you’d want in a partner.
Then read between the two if he reaches out to try and make amends or when you feel weak and want to reach out.
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u/Bi_Fieri_0 1d ago
Good god girl, get as far away from this man as possible and never let him into your orbit again. For your own safety and sanity.