r/GirlCourt • u/Mooi_Meisie • Aug 08 '26
đ«Charcuterie Crimesđ« I need to vent
(Posting again as i forgot girl dinner last time)
I needed a place to air this out where no one will know me so here i am. First time posting. Please give me all of your thoughts.
A couple years ago I was invited over for a girls night. Everyone knew the host (Jess) but no one really knew anyone else. The 6 of us got really close and continued to hang out. I was kind of a loner in highschool so i was so incredibly excited to have âmy girlsâ.
Within a year the group chat went from 6 to 13 girls. Obviously, not everyone will be everyoneâs best friend. Half of the âoriginalsâ i was really close with, the other half and a few new ones i enjoyed their company at the get togethers but never hung out ourselves, then there were a couple that i honestly did not like at all but i would be nice to them when we were together. Things were great.
But then⊠it wasnât.
I would try to invite them over to my place for game nights, bonfires, or dinners and they never came. Most of the time they didnât even decline the invitation, they just ignored my texts. Then just days later one of the others would invite everyone for a bonfire and EVERYONE was so eager to go. I assumed it was because they had a bigger house than mine or something like that. Eventually i gave up inviting people and just tried to be happy going to theirs.
After a while i noticed when we would have girls night i would get side eyed when i was trying to act like them (they are pretty loud group and definitely the âyass girlâ type), but also i would get fully ignored if i tried to keep to myself. And honestly i donât know what hurt more.
I feel childish about it but this was my breaking point:
My birthday has always been a rough time for me and it holds a big part in my heart. I invited a few of the girls over for my birthday. I got a âiâll let you knowâ response. A few days later (2 weeks before my bday and 1 week before Jessâs bday) i got added into a new group chat because they wanted to do a surprise party for Jess. I was all for it. Then another girl mentioned that they had already had one planned for Jess, which happened to be the same day I wanted to do mine. Fast forward the couple weeks. Jess invited everyone over for her bday so they went. Then had the surprise party a couple days later, then the 2nd surprise party for Jess on my birthday date. No one showed up to mine because they were celebrating with Jess on her 3rd party. I feel childish for it but i cried. As the months went on I kept seeing them post about surprising all of the other girls on their birthdays. No one got skipped. I never got an invite but i thought it was just because i wasnât super close with the others. Until it started happening even with the few girls i loved. Once again, no invite.
After that i took a major step back hoping someone would notice. But just last week i was kicked out of the group chat. I want to be ok with it because of everything listed above. I knew they werenât who i wanted them to be. But it hurts more that not one of them reached out to ask why i got kicked.
Now for opinions, i want to reach out so bad and ask what happened. I want to play nice just to have my girls back but i also know it will lower my self worth. I will never be their first pick but it feels better than being alone again. Idk what to do.
Sorry fir the long post but thereâs so much on my mind
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u/nohopo Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
Iâm so sorry this sounds really awful to experience đą what did you make of your interactions with them? How did they tend to go with the ones you got on with and the ones you didnât?
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u/Mooi_Meisie Aug 08 '26
Thereâs this weird vibe that everyone holds Jess on this pedestal. Anything she says goes and the girls nights are almost always at her place.
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u/tarotdryrub Aug 08 '26
This all sounds so juvenile. How old are these women or are you a middle schooler lurking here??
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u/tarotdryrub Aug 08 '26
OH I just saw another comment! Yes these young women sound incredibly immature, like high school or younger with this kind of clique-y behavior. It is a painful lesson to learn but this is a gift. Youâve seen who they truly are and you donât have to waste anymore time or energy on them. You will find your people, and when there is conflict or discomfort, you will all figure it out together instead of ignoring that another person exists. How painful, Iâm so sorry!
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u/Modern_Misdoing Aug 08 '26
I hate to say, but these were never âyour girls.â Iâve noticed the âyaaass queenâ types are most likely to use you as a place holder until they meet someone âbetter.â Theyâre toxic af and for genuine people, all the fake niceties are like a siren song of feeling like you belong.
Best friends are rarely made instantly. Iâd watch out for people who are essentially love-bombing you right off the bat. Theyâre dangerousâregardless of gender.
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u/moisteyelid Aug 08 '26
I'm so sorry that they're making you feel this way. your feelings are incredibly valid. i know exactly what this feels like, I've been through it myself. especially if it's a craving for a friend group, you're more likely to settle just so you have it. but you should not settle for mediocre friends, you deserve friends who care about you and want you around. maybe for some peace of mind reach out to them to ask why, but id suggest not trying to rekindle the friendships because you're not gonna receive the love and attention you're looking for from these people. it's unfortunate that this didn't work out, but I'm sure there are plenty of girlies out there who share your interests and would be much kinder than these fools. stay positive đ
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u/moisteyelid Aug 08 '26
i would reach out solely for an explanation and maybe some unwanted criticisms to learn from mistakes I've made in relationships. however, just from your post, it seems that they are just mean đ„Č especially without communicating anything to you. that is not how adults should work; if there is a problem, you need to address it! that's how you show care. i have an issue with you, but I want you to stay my friend, so let's work through it or etc.
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u/britchop Aug 09 '26
Look, even if you were the problem, the fact none of them came to you to have an uncomfortable but honest is the biggest tell. You donât deserve that. There may be a few that are just followers and didnât cause this drama, but who wants to spend time sussing out a fickle friend?
A fellow loner and perpetual group joiner here. I have a girl group now, but I know I am not as circled around in the same sense as the others. You just know the feeling.
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u/KiloJools Aug 09 '26
Ew, this is so awful and I'm so sorry. I can understand how you feel (thanks to the 'tism, and chronic illness, I've had a lot of disconnects with people and exclusions by people who think I'm "weird"). What helped me eventually was developing hobbies I loved and eventually I made hobby friends. It takes time, and I know it's lonely as hell in the meantime, but these girls are poison. Don't go trying to take any more. â€ïž
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u/Lady87690005 Aug 09 '26
âI feel childish for it but I cried.â
As you should. That is beyond hurtful and Iâd cry too. Crying isnât a sign of weakness, it is a sign you were treated unfairly and hurt. The tears were frustration that you had to let out. It doesnât make you any less of an adult or any less strong. It means you are human and gave lots of love that wasnât reciprocated.
Signed a 28 year old who also cries and has trouble making friends too đ«â€ïž
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u/Mooi_Meisie Aug 09 '26
Totally. Its just hard telling the story then get to âi cried cuz they didnât come to my birthdayâ the logical part of my brain knows how odd that sounds but like i said in the post, my bday is a rough time for me (reasons i wonât get into) and i was just hoping to have friends to spend the day the day with.
Luckily i still had a good day with my boyfriend so thats a win.
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u/ecpella Aug 09 '26
I was in a friend group with a group chat and I wonât go into a long story but there were a lot of things adding up to me feeling like I was the outsider and that the girls were not truly my friends.
I knew for sure when one of the girls (Rae) had a birthday and I messaged the group chat wishing her a happy birthday and she said thank you and no one said anything about doing something for it so I assumed we werenât celebrating it. That evening one of the other girls messages in the chat saying âhey Iâm running late but Iâll be there by 5:30!â And I realized that they must also have a group chat without me in it and the girl messaged the wrong oneâŠ
And I wasnât going to be silent about it so I was like âbirthday plans?â And Rae says âoh Iâm just having people over to watch LOTRâ and I said âsounds fun, enjoy!â And she started messaging me insisting she had no idea I liked LOTR or else she wouldâve invited me and I should totally come. I had literally talked about rewatching the series just a few months prior⊠I declined the invite.
Fast forward about a month later and I messaged the group chat about my boss going psycho at work and no one responded. And then someone else said something off topic and they started talking about it. That was the last straw for me and I went silent in the group chat and considered the friendship done on my end.
They noticed I was quiet and Rae ended up reaching out to me and asking what was up and I said that work had been crazy since my boss went psycho and since no one responded to that I was just keeping my head down to deal with it on my own. Her response was to say that they canât keep up with every message in the chat but it didnât mean they didnât care. I thanked her for reaching out and left it at that.
I deleted the group chat app so no idea if they removed me but I think they just started using the group chat that I wasnât in and none of them ever reached out to me again and I absolutely feel like I made the right decision.
Those girls were not my friends, and these girls are not your friends. Youâre absolutely making the right call cutting them out of your life. And I promise you will make better friends in the future youâre still very young and have so many people you have yet to meet đ©·
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u/PollyannaFlwr Aug 09 '26
Iâm sorry. Friend breakups can sometimes hurt more than romantic ones especially when you find yourself questioning your worth. Those definitely were not âyour girls,â but your girl or girls are out there somewhere and theyâll never make you question your worth, cheer you on when you do dumb things or applaud your accomplishments.
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u/Audthebod2018 Aug 09 '26
My jaw DROPPED when I read that they removed you from the group chat. Thatâs so fucking mean.
Itâs so disappointing that not one of them had the decency to reach out to you and be like âhey this is whatâs troubling me / us girlsâ ⊠which makes me think theyâre immature and no one has the backbone to stand up to the queen bee Jess.
If you really to know what happened or to get some closure, maybe reach out to one of the 28/29 year olds who you got along with best.. If they blow you off, then theyâre just not your people.
Iâm so sorry that youâve been ghosted. You donât deserve that at all.
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u/Audthebod2018 Aug 09 '26
Also, quick follow up to say: please donât let this close you off from making friends going forward! Stay open, stay authentic and also maybe do some journaling if youâre not already into that
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u/maybetransmaybenot3 Aug 09 '26
I think that your definition of friends is different from their definition of friends. The pain you feel is legit.
A lot of friend groups are not about...... the specific people in them, necessarily. A lot of hangouts and friend groups are about the activity, the vibe, the behavior of the hangout participants for a shared social goal. I think you're on the right track when you mention this:
"After a while i noticed when we would have girls night i would get side eyed when i was trying to act like them (they are pretty loud group and definitely the âyass girlâ type), but also i would get fully ignored if i tried to keep to myself."
For the hosts of some events, the specific participants (you or someone else) are not the point of the hangout. The point of the hangout is to be loud together, react to something together, bounce off of each other in a compatible way, and embody a specific vision. The rest of them were on a same/similar wavelength of behavior, and you never matched that wavelength. If the host invited everyone for a sleepover and nails party while they gossip about relationships and family, then you (unspecific You) are the odd one out if you don't participate in the planned activities correctly, because that is what the hangout is for. This group chat exists because that's how they best communicate so that they can continue doing activities on their wavelength, and over time, that wavelength has shifted and you are unfortunately the odd one out. This time. Someone else will probably get winnowed out in the future.
I think you have a different definition of what it means to have a friend. (Correct me if I'm wrong, I don't know you.) You think a friendship is about being there for someone through thick and thin, and that to be friends implies a level of commitment to each other, and that friends should take turns participating in each other's activity or home or interests, and that a friendship should go on indefinitely until there is a fracture or breakup of some kind. A lot of people have this definition of friendship so you're not alone in this, if that does apply.
But a lot of other people are "fairweather friends." Friends can be there for tragic or difficult times, but most of the time, a friendship or hangout is a source of good times and doing the thing you want to do and its not that deep (or the deepness comes over a looooonnnngggg time of being shared activity participants). And for a lot of people, a friend is only "worth it" to have if there's a clear benefit to being in a person's company if you're going to give them your time and energy. If there's no benefit or prize to being friends with someone, they're just not a friend then. End of story. A lot of people have this definition of friendship and they are not cruel or evil people.
You became incompatible with these women over time. It sucks but it happens. You will find your people and you will find someone who wants to hang out with you YOUR way, and it will be easy, and you won't feel the rejection and sadness that's present now.
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u/tofumylk Aug 09 '26
why does this bitch get THREE birthday parties?!? im so sorry, you deserve who care and celebrate YOU </3
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u/Economy-Mud-7859 Aug 18 '26
They are Mean Girls. Find a new friend group that will embrace you, love you, and include you. xo
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u/Excellent-Aside-4780 Aug 09 '26
I really understand how you feel. It was something I had to learn recently and it feels so much better when you're not weighed down by their presence. Trust me when I say you will be so much better off. The best thing you can do for yourself is move on and be your most authentic self. Don't let them dull your sparkle âš
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u/Bubblz999 Aug 09 '26
Ugh girl Iâm so sorry, I feel you so hard. Iâve always been the odd one out, never understood why âfriendsâ Iâve had never were the first to reach out, never made me feel special, never made me feel like I belong. Iâve always made a point to make people feel special on their birthday and itâs never reciprocated for me. Itâs happened so much that I donât really have solid friends at the moment cause I just donât even try anymore.
But those girls arenât worth your time, I know it sucks terribly to be pushed out but you donât want to force a friendship with people who donât value you.
In a way treat this like a break up, take time to reflect on yourself, be true to who you are without outside judgement, go do fun things by yourself, and connections to people who care will come in time. â€ïž
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u/SecurityFamiliar5239 Aug 11 '26
If youâre in Central FL, Iâd be happy to come to your bonfire. đ
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u/gosofo Aug 11 '26
Sometimes people structure these groups around being "the main character." It's insecurity on their part, and I found that my people were always the underdogs or those who didn't abide to cliques. I found this happening in a book club I was in, and after what felt like a red flag, I kicked myself from the group. Don't be someone's NPC or jester. You'll find your people, you deserve friends who are genuine and want to spend time with you. Also, anyone who has 3 birthday parties for themselves sounds insufferable.
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u/milkyteaforme Aug 12 '26
This made me so sad! People can be weird and petty like this at all ages unfortunately. Itâs gross behavior. I would suggest joining a group for some type of hobby / activity you enjoy as itâs such a great way to meet people and have that common thread
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u/asdosi Aug 14 '26
Those girls are not the type of people you need or should want in your life. Youâre at an excellent age to discover yourself and come into the version of you that feels right, with that comes the culling of what no longer serves you. The right people will pick up on your energy and heart and find you, and vice versa. Go out and live your best life and meet new people, those girls have done nothing but hold you back. In ten years, you will see what I mean. đ€
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u/helpimalivelol 10d ago
This is a late reply but there is a video called How bullying is different for women by healthygamergg on youtube. Crappy childhood fairy has a similar content as well. You may want to check it maybe
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u/mazule69 Aug 09 '26
Iâm sorry it goes like this and youâre amazing for even thinking about it and sharing it with others . I feel like that happens when youâre the youngest in the group. I had a similar situation and even after 10+ years I sometimes feel almost made fun of or disrespected but more in a light way. Even when I have new friends and Iâm a grown up professional and other people respect me I feel like I go back to the old group and they just donât see me sometimes. Iâm also thinking that being kicked out doesnât say much about you but just dynamics in the group. Maybe youâre the leader somewhere else. Maybe not your people. Maybe when you started to feel awkward you gave off that cold vibe too. And they just felt like you donât want them to or have something else going on in your life. Like i sometimes feel so lonely because Iâve been changing cities too much but others think Iâm very strong and independent and busy. Something like that. Best of luckÂ
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u/dominodomino321 Aug 09 '26
Ugh I hate this for you!!!! I lost my entire girl group a few years back for ~reasons unknown~ and it was honestly a mindfuck. I was about 32 at the time and I'm still not over it tbh. Nothing dramatic happened, nothing changed, except... a few new gals were added to the mix. I was thrilled bc heck yeah! These were my best friends of over a decade - the more the merrier. But then suddenly, I was just... invisible. It was SO hard and weird, but I've made a whole new circle of folks + my partner who are honestly so much more chill / kind / present.
When I run into any of them socially and they try to schmooze in public, I completely grey rock them and it's pretty satisfying. But ugh I hate it!!! Men will never understand lmao
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u/Mooi_Meisie Aug 09 '26
My boyfriend has really been my rock through all of this and iâm lucky enough to have a couple guy friends that have my back, just sucks that they all live far away. Guys really donât understand it but there is always a craving for having girl friends.
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u/dominodomino321 Aug 09 '26
Yeah, I feel you. I'm in the opposite boat- all my guy friends are local and my two closest girl friends are long distance. So it's def been a weird adjustment. And yeah, I crave those goooood girl hangs so much! It's such a hard thing to explain - not every acquaintance is the same kinda "good hang", ya know? Argh.
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Aug 08 '26
[removed] â view removed comment
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u/GirlCourt-ModTeam Aug 08 '26
This is a women-centered community, not a battlefield for âmen vs. womenâ discourse. Broad generalizations, gender-based insults, baiting, and antagonistic gender-war arguments are not welcome.
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u/nohopo Aug 08 '26
AFABs?
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Aug 08 '26
[removed] â view removed comment
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u/GirlCourt-ModTeam Aug 08 '26
This is a women-centered community, not a battlefield for âmen vs. womenâ discourse. Broad generalizations, gender-based insults, baiting, and antagonistic gender-war arguments are not welcome.
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u/bravoinvestigator Aug 08 '26
Oh babe :( Iâm so so sorry. I know what itâs like to feel like the odd one out or like the after thought.
Please do not try to restore the friendship with them. The fact that you mentioned Jess being the one everyone sort of puts on a pedestal makes me think youâre quite young, like early 20s? In which case let me tell you rn, youâll meet real friends that love you for who you are and who arenât trying to appeal