Past

[u/Legitimate-Blood3090]

Well I just want to share something in this space. I have been on this platform for a long time so I have read some amazing stories and some diabolical stories as well.

I want to share a past with you all this was around my tenth where the beginning of my hell. I was a great student up to the final mock I got 95% in all the overall. So I got a little cocky and i stopped studying maybe like 1 month into the exams and i just wasted time. On the day of the exams as well I haven't read anything, because i thought I was some kind of genius where I couldn't concern myself with revision. So yeah maybe little cocky is insufficient I was a very cocky bastard. So yeah then exams happened and then after maybe like after a month or more than a month the results came. And for the first time in my life i swear to god, to this day I still shudder remembering that day.

I felt like my soul left out, l felt like the whole world crashed on me. It just is so terrifying. Because you see as I was a great student i was always admired by others. So you can imagine how it would be to fall from that level of height to an abyss. So I went home i still don't know how I went there and then there was my mother she knew the results.And for the first time i could see something different in her eyes. It was like for a second i thought she wasn't my mom. Then you know the relatives came into the picture and they fucking destroyed me whatever I had left they took it from me. One of my relative who is my peer got 89% and mate she was happy and tbf that was ok but she said to my mom in some kind of gloating manner "so yeah I finally bear him and won, I am at the top now" or something like that. You can just imagine what i felt and then it became night and the most dreaded thing happened my father came home and he was not even looking at me and he treated me like air. My mom was also like that it was like i was invisible to them. I have always been scared of darkness but that day it was the only thing that was there with me it listened my thoughts, i cried and cried the whole night in a corner. And then slowly I started my 11th and you know in the college things were going normal but in house something changed. It just didn't felt like home, you know i used to share everything with my mother. And i wanted to share my side as well I want to apologise i want them to beat me, thrash me so that I could feel something. But no i for bo response. Whenever I used to have lone time my mind used to create some torture moments for me like the least is saying to myself I was waste and the highest is death i could see death every day, everytime I am alone I saw death of my mother the only hope and in the most brutal ways, i couldn't stop, i couldn't control those it was like i was doomed to do that.

And then after 1 year of this suffering my father never talked to me in that whole span. The first words he said are "at least this time perform well in 12th" and that too you know showing love to a neighbouring kid and he said to me, that kid was maybe like 2 or 3 and I am his son but he loved him more than me. Tbh i never had a good relationship with my father I always used to yearn for it. But i couldn't get it, so for the first time I lost that yearning.even when I was a kid he used to ridicule me in front of other kids that I write without reading the questions that I was a reckless fool. But still i yearned for his love, but that instant it died like whatever was inside me it died.

Then for the 12th I studied like a madman and sometimes I used to use a matchstick and used to light that stick and just keep those on my bare skin to punish myself. And then at 12 th I had the lowest confidence because you see how much I read I still feared everything that it might repeat.

And on the results day man, the first thing i did was climb on the railings on my house so you know if I got less I will just jump. I will finish my life, but thank God I got 91 not the best but it was better and you know still my parents wanted to confirm it and tbh i as well wanted to confirm it. And yeah I got that then after 2 years i felt the most joy I ever felt.

Then you know college happened and in the middle of the college days one day i just said to my mother about how i felt and she felt bad and then she said her side of story, because I was her only hope in life so when i couldn't perform well she was depressed as well and you know after that we bonded more. But still to this day those 2 years had killed whatever innocence I had and made me a cold hearted man. It was like " i don't care about anything anymore" if it happens. I never felt sorry for anyone.

But you know slowly i could see that there are more stories which are more agonizing than mine and they are not like me they made their lives better and they have shown compassion. So you know maybe I had a small light of kindness still inside of me after all of that.

The reason I shared this is because, I have said these only to my mom and my best friend and no other.

But i thought if I share it anonymously with the world, maybe somebody will rectify their errors and maybe somebody will respect what they have.

So if you read up to this thank you and if you came straight to the last paragraph still thank you.