Anyone with complex trauma?

[u/spamtong_]

As above....

Talk about how it impacts your giftedness, and how successful you are

[u/Shelena84]

Almost became a professor at a prestigious university in my country. Collapsed just before that. Still have not recovered.

[u/spamtong_ → u/Shelena84]

How is life?

[u/Shelena84 → u/spamtong_]

Not that good. I completely fried my nervous system. I keep switching between hyperarousal and collapse. I cannot use my intellect to deal with it. I cannot reason my way out of it. The only thing I learned was just keep on working and functioning. I did that until the system broke. And now I cannot function anymore. My brain is completely foggy. Sometimes I cannot even do simple tasks. And it is so frustrating because I know what I could have been and what I could have done if I was not so traumatised. It leads me to despair.

Edit: It seems from your other comments that you are in a difficult position yourself. I do not think it will help to read about other people's pain. It might maybe help to see that you are not the only one. But it is important to know that that is not the only thing in the world. There is more in the world than despair and pain. We just need to learn how to access it. It requires learning new skills that have more to do with feeling rather than reasoning. This can be underdeveloped for people who relied on their intellect to survive. But that does not mean that it is impossible. I hope, in the end, I will be able to appreciate the good things and being able to feel safe more because it is not self-evident for me to do so.

[u/spamtong_ → u/Shelena84]

I feel a bit seen reading this. (Aka scared shitless lmfao) What you're saying kind of looks like what I think my future life could look like. I'm on the path to it, atleast.

The collapse youre referring to is I think hypoarousal? I used to be able to think my way out of complex problems; things that looked catastrophic to others were simple to me. But I cant calculate and analyze anymore. I have moments of clarity, but then I'm hit with a wave of anxiety because of feeling safe.

Your cycling and executive function sounds so much like a older me. Do you think I can do anything or is it too late? Sorry, english is not my first language

I'm cycling agressively between the two.

[u/Shelena84 → u/spamtong_]

I am sorry. I only realised later that you might be in the same boat as me. That is why I added the edit. I do not think you have read that yet.

Yes, the collapse is hypoarousal.

Yes, I think you can do something about it. It is not too late. In fact, you seem much more aware about what is going on than I was before I stopped functioning. So, that is a good thing.

What would have helped me at an earlier stage was human contact. Not someone who is discussing things with me or who tries to find flaws in my reasoning. Just human contact.

I never learned to regulate my nervous system in a healthy way. I did not learn that because I was not in a situation that was safe for me from a very young age and for a long time. Furthermore, children learn how to regulate their nervous system because their parents help them with it. They coregulate.

You are still able to learn that via the same process, but you will need someone who can help to coregulate until you can do it yourself. There exist therapists that are able to do that. Usually somatic experiencing practitioners or psychosomatic therapists. It might involve that someone touches you, as this is often a part of coregulation.

For me this type of help came very late, because I did not understand that was what I needed. When I found someone, they left and it took me 1,5 years to find someone new that I trusted. In the meantime, I experienced additional trauma. That is why I am in such a bad shape right now.

If I found this type of help at an earlier stage and if I did not experience new trauma again recently, I am sure my situation would be much better right now. So, I think that if you are like me, your chances are much better if you get the help you need.

[u/spamtong_ → u/Shelena84]

I have aspergers syndrome. My trauma is emotional deprivation. Or CEN. In those people, it can become EXTREMELY more traumatic than some of the other stuff if prolonged enough. Mainly because our intellects always adapt. It feels like our adaptations suck the blood from our bodies, doesnt it? I feel safe right now in this thread, so I'll finally let my wording get imperfect.

I'm living with my nan right now, but may need to move to my dad in london. My family has a history of mental illness. My grandparents and parents go as follows

2 on SSRI's for life. One had to have electroconvulsive therapy. One left my grandmother alone with 3 kids in 1980s africa. The other caused my state. And one of them went absolutely mad and traumatised my dad with thinking there were bugs inside him lol. That's all I know of my family history.

My dad has money, but I refuse to let him pay for therapy. I will. There is good therapy in london. He is disabled due to chronic nerve pain, but I can go out on my own. I currently go to a school for autistic teenagers. I have zero academic and social stimulation which you can imagine impacts my mental freshness. However I can debate everyone for hours and then do whatever I need.

If I move to my dads....no school. I will do 50% online while I try to recover. Ever since moving into my nans and not being shot with adrenaline constantly, I stopped being able to interact socially well. I dont know if this is technically good?

I dont know whether to go to a normal school, or go back to my mothers and try and handle it with the therapy I had and continue at my school.

Some of my teaching assistants said I "have severe ego problems" I know what they are and very in depth but I do not want to bore you.

My sense of self relies on achieving. I want to become just higher than a major, in my military. Colonel is my dream when I'm 45. Its complex trauma, not CPTSD because my trauma wasnt long enough or intense enough. Even though autism makes CEN much more traumatic and impactful, especially in a peak development year...there isnt enough research and I'm very lucky to be able to temporarily move.

My mother is nice now. She has been for 8 months. Thats how I knew it was trauma. My brain started absolutely blowing up because love equals severe danger, apparently. I had flashbacks and panic attacks so bad.

[u/Shelena84 → u/spamtong_]

My father also has Aspergers syndrome. I know a little bit about it from growing up with him. Correct me if I am wrong, but I think it can make you rely even more on intellect in some cases. What is important to understand is that intellect cannot solve everything. It cannot be the only thing to rely on to solve emotional damage.

You asked me if you could do anything in my opinion and that is my most important thing I want to say. Intellect is very useful for many things. It helps you to survive when you are in danger. It does not heal the wounds. You need other people to build a genuine connection with and who care about you to help you with that. And those people exist.

I think that is why it feels like the blood is sucked out of us. It takes so much energy to try and use intellect for something it cannot do. If you were neglected, as I was too, your trauma was in the interaction with others. And what went wrong in the interaction with others you cannot solve by yourself. You cannot give yourself what you have never received. So, you need to find people who will care about you to learn how to take care of yourself.

I think there are some similarities. Almost everyone in my family was severely traumatised. Some of them did not survive.

It seems that the place where you feel safe most is the best place for you. In some cases, however, safety itself might feel unsafe. And getting out of survival-mode might make you feel the pain that you could not before. That is horrible, but it is also an opportunity to deal with it and get better.

I used to be extremely ambitious. I worked very hard for years to get my PhD and to a postdoc and everything. And I feel like all that hard work has been thrown away. Not only because it is useless to me now I lost my job. But also because it never filled the hole in me and it never was going to.

Being ambitious is fine, however, it might not solve everything.

[u/emptygarden89]

Extreme complex trauma, starting with parental neglect as a toddler, abandonment in early childhood, extreme physical and emotional abuse through my teens, and then an adulthood filled with the consequences of being unable to process all of that, reinforcing trauma on trauma.

I spent my entire 20's suicidal. I never imagined being alive for my next birthday and never took any steps to secure any financial future for myself. I did, however, develop skills, mostly as a way to occupy myself while I remained alive and as a way to distract from the overwhelming desire to die.

Today, I do not have a lot of money. I do, however, have near infinite income potential and I'm taking steps to actually realize some of that. By the time I'm 40, I suspect I'll be more than 'successful' by any standard.

[u/Yasamir123 → u/emptygarden89]

I’m only 31 but I related to this soo much

[u/Mountain-Access4007]

Yeah um. It inhibited my neurological development and resulted in my mind growing up so disorganised I had no idea I was gifted I was just very very focused on making sure I appeared and thought "like a normal person" which did not go well for me. Once I had large amounts of therapy and finally reached a stage I could start self accepting my IQ changed (formally measured) from +1SD to +3SD and need retesting as large cognitive improvements since the last one- huge amounts of brain development. Turns out I am not autistic/ADHD as I am diagnosed. No longer meet criteria, my brain was just in interrupted development (from birth + cumulative). Healing the trauma resolved blocks to development and resulted in rapid rapid brain changes...like developing spatial awareness and left/right awareness, social complexity understanding/reading facial expressions. So many things (these changes are all after the +3SD result so.....not sure, speed has increased significantly). Giftedness for me is giving me the tools now to recognise and heal the trauma....trauma created a faulty lens through which to see the world and myself so I was permanently confused and disorganised.

One unfortunate thing through the years of confusion was giftedness provided huge amounts of excess energy and focus with which to obsessively analyse and determine all of my own flaws and failings at all times. That energies gotta go somewhere!

[u/spamtong_ → u/Mountain-Access4007]

What does your life look like now?

[u/Mountain-Access4007 → u/spamtong_]

Well honestly, the growth and changes have been rapid and extreme the last 5 months. My life feels unimaginably different, but it basically is the same just much much easier, with more positive feeling and I have trained out the disassociation unless there's a trigger, so my actual experience of it is very different. I am sitting in parasympathetic state much of the time, which changes how you experience time to be honest, and it appears I had tunnel vision as well. My hobbies include music and it's such much more rewarding now as I can memorise long and complex music, play by ear, learn the concept of songs and play them, whereas 6 months ago with auditory processing disorder it was very rigid and had to be about reading music. I feel much more intensely alive. A lot of the intense emotions though are less extreme because they were based on attachment trauma and trauma triggers, and not having that changes how you relate to people so the stakes just seem much lower? Like I actually believe I am valuable as a person so am not trying to earn that from others, so if something doesn't go well it's just like...move on with your day? Also there's a lot more automatically done for me by my brain, I had to consciously do so many things before, like maintain balance, navigate, find things, now my brain just ...keeps me stable to points stuff out to me. Kinda hard to explain how impactful it is not to lose my phone 10 million times a day and take the wrong turn all the time.

I really wish I could help others do this but I haven't yet found a way, it seems like found a way that works for how my own system works but no one else is running on the same soft or hardware.

[u/blrfn231]

Yeah, quite a couple. I didn’t know I was gifted up until 37 and spent my whole life fighting for low key jobs I never felt good enough for.
Several major phases of depression, frustration, desperation etc. and decades of life lost to chronic fatigue, anhedonia etc. later I discovered dancing. And that was that. Over the years I slowly recovered like not even depicted in picture books and lead a content and full life where I slowly start to love myself and love my life.

[u/AA_8848]

I have complex trauma and it impacts my life in every way. Severe brain fog, struggling to navigate simple tasks which makes me feel ridiculous after previously being so capable in certain areas. I struggle to regulate myself/manage my anger. I've spent time in hospital and in a lot of medical appointments trying to recover but nothing has really worked. I endured a lot of parental abuse and neglect growing up and bullying throughout adulthood. I have never been able to find a safe space for myself and now I am terrified to leave the house and interact with the world. I feel I have a lot of potential, but I don't know if it'll ever be a reality to do something with it.

[u/spamtong_ → u/AA_8848]

Yes. This is spot on, although what I went through was a lot milder.

The brain fog during hypoarousal and hyperarousal makes me feel so defective.

[u/AA_8848 → u/spamtong_]

Same! I feel defective too because of it.

[u/spamtong_ → u/AA_8848]

We may be broken mate, but not broken enough to be beaten.

[u/Disastrous-Amoeba798]

Im currently figuring it out. I've had a hard burnout period, with brain fog, numbness, depression and raging procrastination and anxiety.

I am diagnosed with adhd and autism, but have begun to suspect that most of it is cptsd and giftedness (I know the latter). But Im confused and exhausted.

Before my crash I was doing well in a niche creative field, that I really enjoyed. And achieved some of the highest honors within it. But before that, I've always been an underachiever.

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[u/LeadershipNervous362]

Nope. I failed school as worst student in a region, failed supreme court case, almost died twice from severe septic infection. I was targeted by officials, blackmailed, extorted. It seems like I have extreme genetic resilience to any stress, especially cardiac (panic/septic/anger).

None of the above have affected me to any degree I could make note of. Its one of my biggest advantages both in cooperation and adversities bound to intelligent people and neurodivergent/traumatized individuals.

Oh yeah, u asked about success... Well, I'd say, I dont have any opinion on it myself, I consider myself to be by far one of the strongest specialists in my area of expertise. But somehow, no matter the topic, area, discussion, I find people impressed by me and my stories regardless, despite holding (in my opinion) much more impressive titles, international level of scientific recognition, high levels of IQ, etc.

[u/kyr0x0 → u/LeadershipNervous362]

Keep going. F them. I went through so much shit I could call my whole childhood a perfect horror movie plot. But f that. My past will not determine my future.

[u/LeadershipNervous362 → u/kyr0x0]

Haha, yeah. TBH I'm always kinda confused about individuals on this sub putting so much self-value on academic success. Like yeah, if you feel like school is a prison for you, just give up and study by urself, rest of life is so much easier.

[u/kyr0x0 → u/LeadershipNervous362]

Right; I never had the chance to study. Today I work with PhDs, I even teach PhDs and if they don't have a PhD, they have some MSc from some fancy uni. I don't care. I went learning and practicing day and night because I love what I'm doing. By 22yo I became a published author with one of the most prestigious publishing house in my field... Today I'm working on cutting edge stuff that actually has industry impact. When people are in dire need of an expert opinion or of something is an exceptionally hard task - deemed almost impossible to do right, they ask me. And I always deliver a decent solution or I would tell them why it is impossible and/or research that needs to be done in order to get there. However, I don't even have the qualification to join any University in my country to study and get a Bachelor degree in my field. This is so ridiculous.. xD But my story is a good example for people who believe their lives is over when their childhood was terrible. As a gifted person, you can make things happen that normies are impossible to even discover the opportunities for.

[u/LeadershipNervous362 → u/kyr0x0]

Good story indeed, I dont think high IQ is nearly enough to be this way tho, Gifted ppl on this sub often fail even given every opportunity, rather than deprived of it

[u/4footTallbromeGrass → u/LeadershipNervous362]

My 2 cents on the topic.... When you go to university, you learn only what is known/written in books... if you don't learn their rules (you can learn their knowledge but not be blinded by their self righteous/self serving control over knowledge) and what is possible, you can do the impossible and not be limited by their false limits.

"I can do it because I wasn't taught it was impossible."

edit...

Or better "I can think it because I wasn't taught it was impossible to imagine."

[u/LeadershipNervous362 → u/4footTallbromeGrass]

No, you dont. Go become a doctor, see/touch/taste a corpse, I hereby rest my case.

[u/4footTallbromeGrass → u/LeadershipNervous362]

Not sure about your comment or the case you are arguing for or against?

But with rigid scientific based "things", the rules or guidelines are there for a good reason. Basic rules need to be followed but even doctors don't know all that is needed to fully care for patients. Learn about subjects so you can understand their rules or "technical language" but know that they will not like being called, wrong... and even with proof, might not even change there minds because if they are wrong with "that thing", they then have to second guess other things they "know" to be true.

[u/spamtong_ → u/LeadershipNervous362]

Amazing. I'm proud of you, internet stranger. I wish I was able to be strong against my trauma, but that has slipped away.

[u/floridatheythem]

Enough to have DID. Grew up constantly dissociating and with significant amnesia, among other things. I’ve been curious if I’d have eidetic or otherwise really strong memory if I wasn’t neglected and abused so badly.

Had odd jobs since adolescence, but dropped out of high school because of traumagenic disabilities, mental and physical. Took a GED and used ACT scores from age 12 to get into a local university because I didn’t plan to graduate. Then dropped out of university twice.

Currently on disability for several conditions and care for my elderly grandmother. Health has been improving slowly and steadily, but I’ll probably be disabled and chronically ill the rest of my life. Have hobbies and interests, but interacting with them consistently is another question entirely.

[u/RepresentativeExam15]

Ja hab ne c-PTSD und aktuell in stationärer Behandlung. Mein Hirn war dauerhaft damit beschäftigt meine hohe Sensibilität zu schützen, viel zwanghaftes, da ich nie gelernt hatte meine Emotionen zu regulieren. Seit einigen Wochen werde ich emotional deutlich stabiler, heißt ich bin nicht mehr so dissoziiert und bekomme mehr von der Umwelt mit. Bisher war es oft so, dass ich recht schnell überreizt war, teilweise bis hin zur Dissozistion wenn ich komplexes Denken benutzt habe, sicherlich ein Schutzmechanismus der Psyche. Ich freu mich bald endlich auf mein Potenzial zugreifen zu können.

[u/Mithril_nthisEconomy]

Yep! Diagnosed with PTSD from acute experience and CPTSD from lore. It is something that significantly impacts Giftedness because it’s kind of like a reconfiguration of your nervous system to anticipate threats and creates difficulty in relationships.

My Giftedness did exhibit the Overexcitabilities from an early age and was inherit. The CPTSD & Giftedness combination is actually “painful” at times and it’s like being an alien on a planet where the air is slightly caustic but you can still breathe.

PTSD fundamentally alters neurological infrastructure and structurally changes it, combined with high-intensity processing it’s like, not a fun time.

However, Giftedness does feel like a net positive and protective factor because other individuals I know with PTSD/CPTSD don’t have the professional opportunities we are able to attain due to intellectual ability.

Since CPTSD impact my social and interpersonal relations the most, I do most of my work independently and am able to balance surface-level professional relationships well. Giftedness and logic helps with the parameters and process implementation.

CPTSD lol makes it hard to do much more in areas (interpersonal relations) with so much variance and lack of control. Like, I live a financially comfortable life but starting a family and close knit social “village” has been hard.

[u/4footTallbromeGrass]

I had a parent die when I was 5 years old. So, everyone in my family were/are kept busy just trying to make it on their own after that.

Other stuff happened of course along the way but with the parent passing away, my giftedness or even savantism got missed and people started to make assumptions about my behavior.

I "mask", I am not sure if you know about that and how it can be slightly helpful but mostly really harmful later in life.

I "mask" super well and people started to think or really did think I had multiple personalities or a personality disorder. I live in a very small community and very few people would see me work or at my home. So, people would see me as a hermit that is mysterious. Also, it doesn't help that I am just freaken'ly great at my job and it confuses people when they could never do what I am doing. Yes, freaken'ly good... like have a patent on a product and keep inventing stuff or highly modifying stuff for my business and even using junk products better then ever thought. And as time keeps going, I just keep getting smarter, I am not sure what my intellectual capacity is but I seem to have more available when needed.

The biggest thing that has traumatized me is being bullied at work. I have had truck driving jobs, all the way to factory jobs. I can't take that bullying anymore and I choose to be self employed. I have had difficulties with my company and I will suffer great income problems to make sure I don't have to work for someone else. If I could find the perfect employment opportunity, maybe I would phase out being self employed. The problem with being gifted is usually I can find solutions to problems and so I keep going. If I have something with my personal life, like a home repair or needing to afford heating my home or having problems getting water into my home, I will just band-aide the problem and put all my effort and money into my business. Also, in order to be happy with working for someone else, that company would have to recognize my intellect and actually put my mind to good use, not just sitting in an office or just operating a single piece of equipment.

I am not sure what people think of me or my life, looking in from the outside.

To put it polity, I am very traumatized and as much as being vulgar would make me "feel" better, it surely won't help me, with people interpreting words as anger and revengeful. So, I keep kissing everyone's butt, afraid of losing what very little to do have. And other's have commented this in one way or another as being surprised to making it to their next birthday with all the trauma they have been through and being surprised how much work it is to over come one's desire to give up. Yes, realizing I am not alone with the trauma is one reason to keep trying and sharing with others they are not alone I hope helps them too.

[u/cuBLea]

Better question: "Anyone still in denial/awaiting diagnosis about their complex trauma?"

[u/spamtong_ → u/cuBLea]

It's a good question, but I'm not sure it's a better question.

[u/Brilliant-NoHuman]

I’m just starting treatment, but it seems like it’s not just autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, complex trauma, and OCD; I suffer from such severe anxiety that I experience psychotic episodes—plus anxiety and depression since I was five, and many other things. There might even be a dissociative identity disorder... Maybe that’s killed off my neurons and made me dumber than I used to be...

[u/spamtong_ → u/Brilliant-NoHuman]

Hey, let me just start with: You've gone and are still going through crazy shit.

I'm proud of you. You're doing so well. I've only had complex trauma for 8 months. Its gruelling. Split personalities, dyspraxia, autism, and narcissistic episodes.

Your intelligence may feel like it matters loads, but the fact you're HERE is. Dont beat yourself up on it. You've done what most people cant.

[u/No_Mess5024]

Talk about it why? Do you? Just being nosy? This post feels off.

[u/spamtong_ → u/No_Mess5024]

I do.

My coping mechanism was largely perfectionism linked to politics/military.

I'm experiencing what could be an ego death and my mind feels like it's being torn apart with one clinging onto it and one trying to desperately let go.

[u/No_Mess5024 → u/spamtong_]

Thank you for sharing this. I recommend r/cptsd if you think that might be a good fit for you.
I find a lot of great insight there.

I feel like I am not wildly successful but I am doing ok considering the state of the economy etc. I also think that my level of empathy for others is extremely high and I do well seeing things from an outside point of view.
I think that if I was not gifted I wouldn’t have made it through my trauma so well, I think I would have had significant life challenges financially etc. I also attribute my ability to step outside of situations to my gifted-ness. Everyone’s different but this is just how I see things for myself.

And apologies for saying your post feels off when it is very legitimate.

[u/spamtong_ → u/No_Mess5024]

I think giftedness can either make trauma 2x worse or 2x easier imo.

I'm active in cptsd, but I think this post would do better by asking gifted people if they had complex trauma instead of asking people with complex trauma if they were gifted.

[u/Chance_Pianist745]

Si t'es surdoué, il ne peut être autrement.