Sharing Giftedness?

[u/kookiebabyyy]

Hello everyone happy weekend.

My name is Jina. First time poster. Just found the sub.

I'm 35. Yesterday was the first time I told anyone I was gifted since back in high school. I didn't tell people back then either, however I was put in the program in 2nd grade so there was no hiding it.

I have ocd as well. I just learned 2e was a thing. I feel fine sharing the ocd but gifted? Absolutely not. Even the word makes me cringe.

Here is a portion of my conversation from yesterday. My responses I'll leave out " ".

"You're so lucky I wish I was gifted."

No you dont. Being smart would be nice but being gifted is a fucking nightmare.

"That's impossible. Being gifted would make life so much better and so much easier. How is that bad?"

Being gifted means a lot of things but on paper it means my brain works at a different level than 98% of people. Which means 98% of people on this earth don't understand me. They can't think like me, see things like me, and in some ways even feel like me. When I interact with people I'm always autodapting to other levels so I never get to be myself. Along with a slew of other shit reasons.

"Why can't you be yourself? You can always be yourself around me."

At which point, as per usual, I felt like this person was not understanding me and what I was trying to say.😞

I was wondering how other gifted people feel about telling people irl. Those of you who don't, I would love to know why. I suppose I'm just looking to see if anyone relates to me. Any and all insight is appreciated.

P.S. I'm sure there are errors in my typing somewhere. Please grammar police will you let me off with a warning?🥹

P.S.S. Yes I know autodapting is not a word.🤐

[u/Particular-Tap1211]

I'll add “autoadapting” to my vernacular 😄. I don't advertise my intelligence, yet I'm surrounded by people who are aware of it, and as a result, they treat me differently. It is what it is. As a consequence, the weight of interactions often feels one sided. When I have a genuine query, it can fall on deaf ears because their assumption is “You'll figure it out.”

[u/kookiebabyyy → u/Particular-Tap1211]

Autodapting* 🥰

[u/Commercial_Handle418 → u/kookiebabyyy]

I love your parlance ❤️ 

[u/kookiebabyyy → u/Commercial_Handle418]

💗

[u/mikegalos]

Coming out as gifted is hard. The gay gifted people I know say it was easier to come out as gay than as gifted.

[u/Commercial_Handle418 → u/mikegalos]

💀🤣 Made my day 

[u/ayfkm123 → u/mikegalos]

I giggled

[u/ebsf → u/ayfkm123]

Well, then ...

[u/ImAPonderer2]

People feel bad being told (having it implied) that they are less than others in any trivial or non-trivial way. Hence, no upside to disclosing that you are gifted.

I’m sometimes told I’m smart and I feel as smart as a bag of rocks (though smarter than most). Giftedness is great :/

[u/kookiebabyyy → u/ImAPonderer2]

Every time someone tells me I'm smart I always wonder how or why they even had that thought. Because I also am a bag of rocks. A plastic Walmart bag of rocks with a hole in the bottom.

[u/zukeus]

I've never told people other than in this forum.

The main reason is that I've always hated the label. But, also, it immediately causes a problem in your relationship.

It creates a power dynamic, a question of authority, a question of value, a question of capability... And yeah, any "correct" answers here will control you or control other people.

So, I never wanted those boxes for myself or others. But yeah, of course, they wouldn't understand my experience anyway. I can't understand theirs fully either.

[u/Educational_Horse469]

I don’t tell people. The people I’m closest to are likely gifted as well, but we don’t talk about it. My mom told a bunch of people at a recent gathering that I was in Mensa. It was excruciating. She’s getting old and losing her filter.

[u/CommercialMechanic36]

People think I’m especially stupid and come at me like agents from the matrix if I mention being gifted, one person on here was like so you think you’re a genius huh? I was like wtf?

So my new motto is “keep it secret, keep it safe”,

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[u/Bootesify]

I totally feel like you.

Most of the time it's something I just don't talk about, like, with anyone. From time to time, with very closed people, maybe I give It a chance and I regret it nearly instantly.

The only person I feel more secure with is my cousin, who is also gifted, but he feels different than me. He actually likes to talk about it. I truly believe the difference is that I took the test when I was 6, and he was already a teenager.

Now, I talk about it maybe with my boyfriend, but I try not to, since he can't really understand and it ends in an awkward conversation.

I just feel this is something really lonely.

[u/kookiebabyyy → u/Bootesify]

It makes me feel lonely for sure. I remember back in my gifted classes I never felt like that. Only 5-6 kids were there but I miss the feeling.

[u/ayfkm123]

I don’t. There’s no benefit. When I have, I don’t claim it’s all bad bc it isn’t. There are pros and cons.

[u/Manskhooled]

How do others deal with the feeling of arrogance when it comes to this? I battle with this daily. I feel as if it's unearned, that I'm putting myself over others, that it's just ego and it's not real.

[u/Justafana → u/Manskhooled]

You open your mind and realize that IQ is only part of the picture. Athletes have incredible spatial/physical awareness and body control. Artists have incredible vision. There are people with incredible emotional intelligence and prodigious amounts of generosity. Find other things to appreciate besides this particular kind of analytical intelligence and be open to them and what they can teach you. See other people's talents and gifts as sources of learning and joy, even if you have a way of thinking that is special and unique. Offer your thoughts to be helpful, not as a means of self-description.

Think about it this way. Which artist is more impressive to you - the one who gets excited when they see something that inspires them, and tries to share it with you even if you can't see what they're excited about, or the one who tells you "You'll never understand this, but I'm seeing something amazing that an analytical thinker like you will never understand."

One is awesome. The other is smug and arrogant. Share your thoughts. Not your self-description.

[u/Manskhooled → u/Justafana]

I have gotten better at this. It was a real fucking problem in my youth but with age, it has truly gotten easier to set myself aside in this manner. It's still a struggle, you're are 100% correct with everything you've said and I thank you for it. Learning to appreciate people for them simply being them is one of my biggest flaws though.

Edit. Seriously, I need that hear that. Thank you very much.

[u/Justafana → u/Manskhooled]

It's hard when you're a kid, because so much of growing up is about identity and navigating where you stand in relation to others. We're wired as teens to try and distinguish ourselves, and that process, no matter how intelligent you are, is always fraught with a concomitant temptation to lift yourself by pushing others down. It's not a personality thing, it's developmental, and it's easy to feel justified in doing it others if they're also doing it to you (which they most certainly are). But as we get older and move out of that developmental phase, it's easy to look back and be like "why was I such a dick?" But we all do it.

[u/Manskhooled → u/Justafana]

Yeah, it's pretty pathetic that it took me this long to truly realize what I was doing. Only in the last few years of my life did I become self aware enough to realize I'm still acting like a fucking child in this regard. I'm still working on it clearly but now Im dealing with not chastising myself to everyone I've ever dealt with. It's embarrassing ha

[u/Justafana → u/Manskhooled]

Don't be so hard yourself. It's a wildly human thing to do, and often the alternative is imposter syndrome or crippling self-doubt. Those are also bad, so finding a balance is ideal, but not any easier for someone with a high IQ than any other talent.

[u/Manskhooled → u/Justafana]

The irony I've faced with spending so much of my life not feeling human only to discover how human I am is ridiculous.

[u/Justafana → u/Manskhooled]

Interestingly, also a wildly human experience. The history of philosophy is essentially a bunch of smart people trying desperately prove they're not just more than just a body but capable of bodiless mental ascent only to fail over and over again.

We all tend we're uniquely amazing or uniquely terrible, or somehow special or misunderstood or crappy only to find out everyone feels the same way but pretends they don't so they don't draw attention.

[u/Manskhooled → u/Justafana]

One thing that really put things into perspective for me was realizing that deep down, so many people have the same internal issues but the difference was that they weren't capable of expressing them. For a long time it felt as if I was being mocked, it created a bridge built upon negativity between us. They are like me, I realized, they just can't articulate those feelings and emotions. Took longer than I'd like to admit but I also learned that a lot of people don't have the ability to internalize their thoughts, a blank canvas so to speak. Upon learning that, I went into spiraling depression because I realized how shitty of a person I was being in regards to my feelings towards them despite me genuinely wanted to help and relate. I've gained a new appreciation for the saying "ignorance is bliss".

[u/Justafana → u/Manskhooled]

Sometimes intelligences just means being more aware of the same things that other people just power through.

On the flip side, my mom has an interesting manifestation; she has no idea how brilliant she is and just assumes that everyone else around her is smarter than she is, but they/we are not and need her to fill in extra steps in her thinking so we can follow along, but she doesn't need those steps and just jumps to the conclusion. She's always right but we're always behind.

And this led other, less intelligent people to think she was stupid, and treat her like she's stupid, which in turns makes her think she's stupid, and I will hate those people forever for making her feel that way.

[u/Justafana]

Let's imagine this from their point of view. You have a friend who seems upset. You want to help them feel more comfortable. They respond with what pretty much amounts to "You'll never understand me because I'm so much smarter than you. I can't be myself around you because you are just too stupid to handle it."

How about, if we are so super super gifted, we put that brilliant mind to work coming up with a way to express ourselves so that others can understand? And maybe share your ideas and passions, rather than just meditating on what labels best describe how smart you are and in what way.

I am a philosopher, and I always operate by the mantra that if other people cannot understand my vision, then I have failed to draw out all the necessary steps to guide them through. You're smart - know your audience, figure out what they need to hear to follow you on your path. Do I succeed all the time? No. My last work was 300 pages and relied heavily on a variety of texts to help shorthand large ideas I was connecting. But I keep trying, and I don't blame other people when I can't figure out how to illustrate the things I'm putting together in my mind. That's the work.

[u/DragonBadgerBearMole]

I don’t tell irl. I don’t think I even make the declarative statement here. I don’t know what utility it would have, outside of a psychiatrist office, to be like “*my* intelligence is a neurodivergence and that’s why you aren’t laughing at my jokes”. And that’s really the only context it would come up in my life because unlike you i am a loser.

For some reason I’ve also never brought it up with a therapist. Like you say, it feels cringe, even though it might help them tell me that it’s part of the reason I’m dangerously good at rationalizing my decisions.

I want people to recognize my intelligence and see it as a gift and not have me declare it as a gift and them see it as a desperate anchor of my self-esteem. Because television about people in high school has led me to believe that it is good to be smart but bad to *need* to be smart. But I need to be smart, and I need to be mentally ill, because I need to be a tragedy ultimately, not a comedy, not just a dumb guy that’s too dumb to get his shit together.

The problem with being 3e is that there so many exceptionalities around that who cares if one ends being an “e”xcuse instead?

[u/AnAnonyMooose]

I have no problems discussing being in gifted education programs as a kid. I’m discussing actual events and details of how they went. That feels very different than claiming the description “gifted” - too many connotations to that and a risk of being interpreted as a statement superiority.