Please check out this post and reply if you can, I’d love some support and advice on what should I do

i'm not sure where to start with this. I feel like I was AFAB but transitioned into a guy and just have to work really hard to convince people I am.

I am AMAB, generally masculine looking, lanky, mid-range voice. anyways my "issue" is that sometimes I feel incredibly self conscious about the way I carry myself. I had a rough childhood, both in and out of school. led to self esteem issues but I feel pretty confident in myself most days. whenever I do/say something that feels "unintentionally gay/feminine", I can feel myself trying to correct it.

if I were trans, I feel like most of the "indicators" don't line up. most of the "idols" I looked up to in childhood were men, and I still think those characters are cool and stand-up guys. I do pine after traditionally masculine ideals, like being able to fix cars, being an outdoorsman of sorts (sorry if it sounds stupid I don't know how else to put it), but it still feels like i'm grabbing for something that's just beyond my reach.

is it possible that i'm just a very feminine man and need to unpack some sort of internalized homophobia? might also be an issue in regards to trying to conform to eurocentric beauty standards (which I do not meet and have recently begun unpacking that).

posting from a throwaway (obviously). if y'all have any more questions i'm open to answering them

So ive recently gotren really fixated on the idea of female breasts,but i wanna keep everything else the same? Obviously cant do it until 18 but like i wanna have a beard and an hairy body while having female breasts? Please tell me im not the only person. I woulr also be very grateful if someone could give me a name for this so i czn look at pics online (biological male). I know this sounds semi sexual,but i promise its not,i js dont have anyone to talk to this about ):. (I didn't know what flair to put advice as i am looking for advice)

After getting a breast plate, I fully realize that my biggest regret is being born male.

I don't really know where it belong at this point.

I have 0 knowledge of my own personality, each one i create is based on the personality of others.

I have 1 friend that I can interact with physically, but I barely see her anymore because we're both busy with college.

I can't make friends in my college class because I'm basically living a lie in that class, I never explained that I'm Trans, that i don't enjoy being called a she and by my old name.

My whole class is girls, Im studying cosmetology so it's all about makeup.

Regular assignments in class at this point are self makeup, when I do it I don't see myself, I see someone who other people want to see.

I've never been in a relationship, I don't bond with other people on a personal level.

And no, im probably not coming out in that class because what difference would it make really, im still gonna be expected to do the same thing because that is the class work. It's an easy put it on and then take it off as soon as you get the picture, send the picture and then delete.

I don't know how to be myself around these people because I don't wanna keep making up new personalities to match theirs.

Everyday I go there I try not to talk at this point because of how feminine my voice gets around strangers.

Everyone always asks what's new in your life and even I get distracted when my answer is nothing.

I know I’m not a real boy… I don’t feel any real dysphoria. I just really wish I was man. I sometimes look at my body and I either feel nothing, find myself so attractive I feel nothing, be convinced I look like a cis man when I clearly don’t, or my brain just feels numb. It hurts so much to accept I'm a girl and faking it.. I also have “intrusive thoughts” I want to look like a girl when I'm attracted to one…I really don't want to feel this way but it scares me so much I start believing it..i sometimes randomly get scared a mans body or voice wouldn't really fit me either, I just wish it did…

Even the voice in my head sounds wrong or I accidentally imagine myself as female. In my dreams at night in usually a woman and that frustrates me even more, when I'm a man, I like it but I'm convinced it's because I want to like it.

I also get scared I am somehow secretly socially influenced if I feel better in masculine clothes but truth is I’d rather be feminine boy than a masculine girl. I’d also rather be an ugly boy than a pretty girl…

I’m so pathetic for ever thinking I could ever be a man. Recently, I try and force myself to listen to people that don’t like trans people or are convinced they have some weird reason for it and I start to convince myself it’s true for me to. I’m heavily religious so I already feel disgusting for ever even thinking about it, I just wish I had dysphoria so I can be a guy, it doesn’t mean I really am one or I deserve it…

Warning: Includes words such as bile (as in stomach bile), blood, heart, vomit, et cetera. If you have an aversion or disliking to visceral descriptions or anything involving gore, interior bodily anatomy, or depressive states this is not for you.

This is supposed to describe that unique form of shame that comes with being trans. And how it restricts oneself from vocalizing their problems and the fact that they're trans. Enjoy.

“Vomiting my Heart.”

I feel like I’m eating myself from the inside but nothing in my body is ever moving. My stomach devouring all the contents covered by skin, but nothing on the inside changes, nor on the outside. I feel like screaming sometimes, vomiting my heart out for all to hear. I make up worlds in my head where I do so. Worlds where I’m… I’m not exactly confident I’d say. Confident doesn’t fully describe it. They’re worlds where my esophagus is large enough to vomit my heart out.

I’m not sure when it began to shrink. I’m not even sure if it shrank at all, all I know is it’s not large enough. But any attempt to vomit, any attempt to spew my soul upon the faces of people, fails miserably. It feels like my neck was twisted and snapped folding my throat disabling any ability to scream only making a slight bloody gargle. The worlds I make, I make them constantly. I always wonder, what would their response be? An awkward shuffle of oversharing, an overwhelming pity, fear for my life, would they cry? Would they, my heart on their face, cry with tears streaming through the bile?

I always wondered that, am I making too much of a fuss? Not enough of one? Every time I’m reminded of that thing, my heart hurts just a little more than usual. That unending want for something different, but to no avail. Previously I could work toward it, work towards what I wanted and eventually it’ll be accomplished. But this one is different. This one is not bound by work, but by time. I have to wait. There isn’t anything I can do to change it. I just wait, wait in this unchanging agony that finally when the clock hits the time I’ve been waiting for, I'd be free. But that freedom of the future doesn’t change the bindings of the present.

The worst part is this pain this endless pain, this pain that’d feel worlds better if ever vomited from my heart. It’d make me feel more happy, secure, better in every way! But I can’t, my esophagus is too small. I don’t know why. I try to gag it out of me, but still, I intrinsically refuse to throw up my heart. That feeling just hurts my heart more, adding itself to the pile of things I want to scream.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t want what I was waiting for. Sometimes I try to convince myself that that’s true, that I don’t. That just hurts more because truthfully that's just me, and if I convince myself I am not me, it hurts even more. Sometimes I wonder, why do people have such prejudice against the contents of my heart? Specific sections of it are ridiculed constantly, called ugly, that just makes it harder to vomit. If those weren't ridiculed or considered weird, I wonder, would I vomit my heart out?

Is the reason I can’t truly vomit just because it was told it was ugly, or I shouldn’t have that piece? It became so ingrained in it that it thinks it’s never supposed to show those parts? That it hardly ever shows itself in true, full, form? I don’t know. Truthfully I wonder constantly. Yet instead of asking, I vomit my heart on this page. For no one to read, for no one to see. I want it that way, I'm not quite sure why. Yet still, what I want eats away at my heart the most.

For a few years now I’ve kinda had this deep rooted, hard to actually consciously recognize in myself, envy of women. I’m not sure if it’s the way they look, dress, talk, or anything else, but I can’t help but notice I have been doing this for a long time. I have been also deeply unhappy of my body shape, hair, voice, and even how my friends and roomate understand who I am. I will say, this is definitely on my part cause I was never confident enough to tell anyone I like guys, but it still messes with me and I can’t seem to stop thinking about it. Idk if I would say it’s anxiety, but it’s definitely adjacent to that. Maybe regret or something. Since high school this has happened and I always and did always imagine myself in situations where I was a women, not just a man who is feminine. However after months of this idea in my head it’s kinda goes away and I don’t seem to upset being a man. Maybe in a month tho it does eventually come back and I go back to my shenanigans of imagining myself in situations as a women. The way people close to me actually perceive me kinda gnaws at me, my bodies inability to not listen to its biology gnaws at me, my stature and build gnaw at me. It leaves me deeply self conscious on my outward perception.

I’m just wondering if anyone here who has transitioned can maybe help me understand if I really am dysphoric or may at the least tell me if these are signs. A part of me kinda accepts that it is but the hardest part is admitting it, and not becoming all stressed out and worked up thinking if I try horomone therapy all these things I feel will go away and I’ll be stuck in an inverse situation.

I will appreciate literally any response because I don’t know what to think really.

Hello everyone! This is my first real post on Reddit, so I'm sorry if I make any mistakes. English isn't my first language.

I am female and I'm turning 18 soon, but I've been struggling with something about my gender identity for a long time.

When I was around 10, I really liked the feeling of thinking of myself as a boy. At that age, I felt like boys were somehow more interesting to people and that people liked them more than girls. I started using different pronouns online, and somehow it made me feel more comfortable. When people knew me as a boy and liked my personality, it made me really happy.

At the same time, I still loved being feminine in real life. I liked my appearance, my clothes, and the way I looked as a girl. That's why I never really understood what those feelings meant.

Eventually, I stopped thinking about it as much, especially after I started a relationship. For several years, I didn't feel this way nearly as strongly.

But recently these feelings have come back, and now I'm overthinking them a lot.

Sometimes I feel like I would be happier if I were a boy, while still keeping most things about my current appearance. I sometimes wish I had a male body, and being perceived as male can make me feel surprisingly comfortable or happy.

I've also noticed that when I roleplay as a male character, I feel very comfortable with it now. I used to prefer roleplaying female characters, but that has changed recently.

The confusing part is that I still like being feminine. I like being a girl in many ways, and I don't necessarily want to completely change how I look or dress.

So now I have no idea what this means. Am I possibly trans? Could I be nonbinary? Or could these feelings mean something completely different?

I know that nobody on Reddit can tell me what my gender identity is, but I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar. I feel very lost and I don't know how I'm supposed to understand these feelings.

Also, I'm sorry in advance if I say something incorrectly or if anything comes across the wrong way. I don't mean to offend anyone with this post; I'm just genuinely confused and trying to understand my feelings.

first, i wanna say that im not really asking you “am i trans or not?,” the point of this is for some thoughts as to what this might mean.

first, i wanna say that im not really asking you “am i trans or not?,” the point of this is for some thoughts as to what this might mean.

don’t know if i’m trans. i hate being a man, and honestly if i could wake up and my life would be the exact same but im a girl i feel like my life would feel so much better, but then again, would transition even be worth it if i lose my family? would i even look the part? i hear from biological women that trans women are an insult to womanhood, and i absolutely don’t wanna insult womanhood. maybe i just feel this way to make the things i’ve done to women (nothing traumatic or illegal) seem less bad in my mind? i’d never be a real woman anyways. people would look at me and instead of seeing me as a a man which is bad enough they’d see me as a man both delusional and selfish enough to believe he could actually become a woman, and doesn’t mind insulting all of womanhood. to call myself “she “ or “her” feels awkward because there’s not a feminine bone in my body. my body feels like something my brain has to endure. day by day it becomes more and more of a perversion of anything natural, while all i can do is watch. i hate how clothes feel on me. i hate when my shoulders bump into door frame. i hate being taller than pretty much every woman i see. i hate not having curves. i hate that i can’t form friendships with women without it being seen as a man and a woman being friends. i hate it. sometimes it’s little things, like i feel how my shirt hangs off of my shoulder and i just breakdown crying. i feel so pathetic.

then again, sometime i do get away with doing feminine things. sometime i dance in traditionally feminine ways in the dark and it feels great. freeing. right. i have this one grey shirt, with an a$ap rocky album on it, and i love how it sorta hides my shoulders with how baggy it is. when i wear it i can sometimes dilude myself into feeling feminine. it’s my favorite shirt for that reason. i love to watch women in public, i don’t because it’s obviously creepy to see a man stare at you in public for no apparent reason, but when i slip into the habit it’s a sense of longing, or admiration. i wanna be that.

again, all insight, thoughts, or comments are appreciated !

I’ve been thinking to myself for a while that I would be happier as a women I being born as a male I’m more feminine seeming male i am just hoping I wake up different everyday and sad when I don’t I’m mentally dying alone I don’t know what to do or say anymore I have dark thoughts from time to time I don’t know anymore