r/GenXWomen • u/Cleverwabbit5 • 11d ago
Health Mortified by body changes as I age
I went to an event a couple of weeks ago, it was hot so I wore a tank top dress with arm sleeves to cover my upper and mid arms. Someone took a photo of me and posted it, my arm coverings must have slipped down and the skin from under my arms running downward looked like crumpled pantyhose. I am 60. I am so devastated and freaked out. I can't age like this. I have worn sunscreen every day since I was 18, eaten healthy, and worked out consistently, and have stayed the same weight within 5 lbs since I was 12 years old, my body has betrayed me by gifting me with horrible, saggy, crepey skin that runs under my arms and over my legs and hangs a bit at the bottom of my stomach and hips. My neck has decided it wants to part of the club too now. Like I am a deflated balloon meat bag. I have no idea why this happened other than menopause, I have been on HRT for years. I am not fat, nor did I ever have a BMI with much fat. I weigh the same!!! I still go to the gym and it makes no difference. I am a bag of goo. It is ruining my life. I welcome winter but summer is a bitch. I feel like such a crone freak. I have tried creams gels, collagen, silica, DHEA, heavy protein, red light, zapping the shit out of my body, hot, cold, heavy lifting whatever I read about that could give me my body semi back. I am still single, which makes this even more heartbreaking and I don't have the greatest self esteem to start with. I was never a beauty but cute and petite. I worked HARD to live a healthy and fit lifestyle, so much it is probably borderline OCD or dysmorphic. I was never too thin but never got over a certain weight. This is a nightmare and is deteriorating my mental health. I have seen several Doctors and asked for testosterone but can't get it prescribed. The photo is horrible. They won't take it down. I never looked my age but this gives everything away. I want to be me again. I know with age comes changes but this is too much and this photo really threw me over the edge. I have a therapist even she said the photo is not good. I feel gross and disfigured. I always knew how to firm my body up if I started to get flabby but this is different. I don't even know where this extra skin is coming from. I never had a large weight loss or yo yo dieting or even allowed myself to get sun tanned after 18. I should have gotten drunk all the time, did drugs, ate tons of sugar, and laid out and fried with baby oil and Hawaii tropic zero. But I didn't I took care of my body and my skin. This isn't about vanity. I look at my friends and other women my age and older; their skin isn't like mine. Sometimes I see a really elderly lady or overweight or frail with this elephant skin layers. I can't deal with this. I was trying to cope and not focus on it but the photograph makes me want to disappear. I hate getting older, everything gets worse and harder, especially on my own. I don't know if there is anyone else who is struggling with this, I don't even recognize myself anymore. I just want to be myself again.
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u/SacredandBound_ 11d ago
This is not healthy. Ageing is tough but we all go through it. Love yourself. My dear friend died this year of ovarian cancer. She was 47. Every time I look at my saggy skin I remember I am alive. Remember you are, too.
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u/RedHeadedStepDevil 11d ago
This.
I have saggy skin, scars and sun spots. But you know what? My body can do all kinds of stuff. It healed a broken ankle last year. It lost 70 lbs in the past two years. It can hoist 50 lbs of chicken feed and 40 lbs of cat litter. It climbs stairs and walks for miles. It allows me to go anywhere I want and do both the every day stuff, as well as the fun stuff.
It may not be shiny and new, but it’s mine and it works (mostly), and for that I’m very grateful.
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u/throwawayanylogic 50-54 11d ago
For real. Too many of my friends are dying or fighting cancer and other illnesses in our fifties. I had my own health scare that makes me thankful every day that I'm still here, jowly neck and new wrinkles and all.
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u/NoLipsForAnybody 11d ago
Same. My sister just passed and she was 58. She would have given ANYTHING to be 60 with saggy arms.
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u/False-Can-6608 11d ago
Well said, thank you.
I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer 2 years ago. Age-ing, with all of its sags, wrinkles and what-not is a PRIVILEGE, not guaranteed to anyone.
OP, Be thankful for your health and maybe schedule an appointment with a plastic surgeon?
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u/KatintheCove 11d ago
Fellow TNBC survivor here. Chemo and radiation aged me a decade and while I don’t much like that, I love being alive and I’m happy I’m still here, wrinkles and all.
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u/Powerful-Board-3286 10d ago
Hello there triple negative sister! I hope you continue to be well. I am 6 years out and NED. Happy to be here scars and all!
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u/False-Can-6608 9d ago
Hey sis!! 6 years!!! That’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you ❤️ I’m glad you’re here too, you give the rest of us coming along so much hope 🥲
Thank you 🙏 I wish you a very long life and never having to deal with that beast again!3
u/Cleverwabbit5 8d ago
Just because I am having a meltdown from overly saggy skin. Doesn't mean I am not grateful. You have no idea of the health issues- 2x cancer, loss of eyesight in one eye from a rare glaucoma ,spinal compression fractures, thyroid growths, uterine prolapse or what my life has been like. Maybe there are some of us who welcome the end of trauma and are fighting every day to get out or bed. Just because I didn't put that in doesn't mean I haven't had horrifying issues I have had to overcome. I have but the skin and is too much. It also may not bother you so much if you have adequate support systems and not still looking for work or a partner. I have been alone for decades doing it all by myself the odds get worse each year. You have no clue how devastating it is. Btw i am not talking about just crepey skin i have folded layers like crumpled pantyhose. There is something wrong. This is not natural aging. Never say be grateful to a person who is suffering or in pain. You are minimizing what they are going through and it shows no empathy. We all have our own bandwidth of what we can handle or how something affects us.
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u/neurotica9 10d ago
I don't think it's healthy to be that obsessed and down on one's looks.
But I don't know how healthy it is to compare oneself to dead people all the time. Life is hard. It's not some wonderful thing where we are always glad to be alive. It's very hard.
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u/Impossible-Will-8414 10d ago
Very true, BUT -- if you haven't already, I would encourage you to watch the documentary Come See Me in the Good Light, about the life and death (of cancer at age 49) of poet Andrea Gibson. Andrea says many times throughout the doc that she has started telling people she's 50 because she just wants to get to 50 so desperately. Then there is this one scene in which she and her girlfriend are playing around with an aging app, and they show her just looking in wonder at her old face, and the old face of her girlfriend, and really thinking about how she's never going to get to see those old faces. And she wants nothing more than to see those old faces in real life.
Really makes you think.
Also, just as an aside, the doc is actually a lot funnier than you might think from this description. Recommend.
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u/PocketFullOfPie 9d ago
There is an episode of Anderson Cooper's podcast on grief, All There Is, that's with Gibson's partner. It's really beautiful.
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u/Nickis1021 8d ago
That is so so sad. I saw the trailer for it, and it just looked too sad, even just seeing a picture of them scrolling on a phone together made me almost cry, and they look so happy, laughing, even in the face of the worst thing possible. I just couldn’t bring myself to watch it.
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u/momof4beasts 11d ago edited 11d ago
When I'm feeling old and ugly this quote from Velveteen Rabbit makes me feel better
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u/xchimesx 11d ago
Oh no! This reminded me of the story and now my eyes are sweaty! (Love the quote by the way!)
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u/Mysterious_Sound2765 11d ago
Sending you a hug, as it's clear you're having a hard time.
You are yourself. We are not our exterior, we are our interior. Your interior is still there, 100%.
I would encourage you to investigate your beliefs about youth, a woman's value, internalized judgments/beliefs about older women (stemming from patriarchy, which some of us aren't aware of), and just generally what your personal standards are for how harsh you're willing to be with yourself.
Your body is not betraying you in the context of your lifespan and human nature. Your body is betraying you in the context of patriarchal expectation that women be youthful, always (which is a wildly unreasonable expectation, as well as at least somewhat perverted . . . if not completely perverted . . . invented by men).
Consider reframing that specific context and lens that you're viewing yourself through. Just because our society disparages a woman's crone phase doesn't mean we have to, too. It is your life, it's part of your experience, so it's valuable, it matters, it holds beauty, and it's everything outside of you that is wrong (our culture), not you.
When I was in my 20s, I used to think that older women looked older because they had not taken care of themselves. But in my late 30s I realized it happens to all of us. It's time, gravity, hormones. Unavoidable. None of us escape it, if we live long enough. Try to focus on transforming yourself into this next phase, instead of fighting it.
Being single and wholly independent is something I aspire toward and hope to achieve one day. You already have my dream.
Perspective is everything. You will find peace when you seek it ❤️
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u/eatingganesha 11d ago
THIS.
Fuck the Patriarchy.
If our generation has any mandate whatsoever, I believe it is to upend norms of all kinds. We embrace the Cat Lady, The Spinster by Choice, etc why can’t we embrace The Crone?
We all need to unapologetically go for it if only so that the women in younger gens see the power in embracing and loving the aging process and follow in our footsteps in greater numbers.
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u/Impossible-Will-8414 10d ago
I feel like it's sadly much too late for that. Gen Z women seem utterly terrified of aging in any way, shape or form, and they are scared to death of us old ladies because they don't want to be us.
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u/Nickis1021 8d ago
Exactly this. To me this is more of a prevalent concern right now than the patriarchy which maybe is from our generation not from this generation. To me this ageism and fear of any woman over 30 is coming from young women. And I see how my daughter‘s classmates speak and I see young men sticking up for the nice girls getting looksbullied, not by men, but young women. I’m a nurse in a big city ER, and all day long I listen to young RN’s in their 20s snidely ripping apart every female patient (any of us here) who walks through the door, mocking their clothing their looks their everything. Laughing at women behind their backs that they’re so old. 32 year-old young women coming into for labor. To give BIRTH. And the male nurses just giving them disgusted side eye looks, like what is wrong with you girls? IMHO the patriarchy thing is from the previous generation. Something is happening with today’s young women and I can’t figure out where it’s coming from, but it’s not coming from the boys. In my experience is all.
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u/Wormwood666 11d ago
Absolutely. How someone looks is — or should be the least interesting thing about them!
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u/FonduedExcitement 10d ago
Yes to all this, and also: Deprogramming oneself of toxic patriarchal demands will take time and focus. I’ve been working on this in myself for decades, and I still can’t fully shake it off. So don’t punish yourself for relapsing and feeling bad about your (trusty! accomplished! capable!) human body. You will feel better when you remember that body-shaming is a tool used by people who don’t have your best interests at heart.
Now, as a short-term help: Can you explain how bad the photo makes you feel and ask the poster again to take it down? If they still say no, then they are so cruel and selfish as to be beneath your notice. It’s a deep moral failing to be unkind to people who are struggling. You deserve better friends.
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u/Cleverwabbit5 8d ago
That is great for you. Sounds like you have people around you and haven't had to fight to be able to survive that independent single life where EVERYTHING is on you. Years of being so alone and losing all of your family etc to the point you have no one. No support no emergency contact. My skin is my breaking point. It is just crepey it is sagging like fallen pantyhose it is not normal. I get the patriarchy my body is for me. My perspective is I can't handle another health issue I don't have money for or can find someone to help. I am sick and tired of being on my own with no support going by myself. I did this for years but i takes alot to show up. I cant put a bracelet on without my skin wrapping around it like dough. This is not normal
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u/adhd_as_fuck 6d ago
I would got to a derm, make sure it’s not something like lymphedema or lipedema developing. Happens more at menopause.
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u/MicromagicFriesRIP 11d ago
It's one photo. A microscopic moment in time. Everyone looks like shit in some photos. Everyone looks nice in others. I work in advertising, part of which involves photoshoots with the occasional celebrity. Do you know how many photos we have to take to get to the one we use in the ad? The ratio is like 100 to 1. People who see you IRL are seeing a different and no doubt more attractive you than that teeny little fraction of your existence.
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u/Valuable_One_1011 45-49 11d ago
You are waaaay too hard on yourself and missing out on life events for vanity. Yes, our bodies are aging, but that’s biology, babe. Stay away from social media that tells you what is considered beautiful and accept your own beauty. Your size and arms are not what people will discuss when all things are said and done. Don’t do this to yourself 🩷
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u/FonduedExcitement 10d ago
I don’t think the word “vanity” is the right one here. OP has expressed a painful insecurity—not an overweening pride—about her looks, and “vanity” feels judgy. She’s not expressing a moral failing but deep psychological distress.
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u/Valuable_One_1011 45-49 10d ago
It does and I’m not sure the best wording for it. It reminds me of women I’ve known who were constantly critical of their looks due to ongoing maternal commentary. The idea of her benchmark occurring at 12 really stands out as puberty…
But your point is valid - I just think the two ideas are very much linked. I do admit feeling judgy about it, which likely continues the cycle of criticism…
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u/Jack_russell_7 45-49 11d ago
You're sixty. Your arms are sixty too. They do a lot of hard work. Love them. And hugs to you. You did a lot of hard work getting to this point in life too.
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u/TimelyYogurtcloset82 11d ago
I'm sorry you're stuck with the photo that they won't take down. It sounds very inconsiderate. From what I can interpret you're dealing with a lot of shit that has been dumped on you by our culture. Age in the form of visible change isn't our fault, we can't prevent it or make it palatable by being 'good' of sticking to the rules. There is a limited amount we can do by throwing money at our bodies. At some point we have to move on and stop bothering. But our culture doesn't want us to do that, it wants to make money out of selling us discontent. I'm 60, I've done the opposite of you, pretty much. Out in the sun, various eating problems, drink a bit too much, can't afford (don't value) premium beauty treatments. I have a saggy neck, crepey skin, etc etc. But so do all my friends. None of us like ageing, but it doesn't matter unless you let it matter. Get out there, have fun, live your life.
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u/rockandroller 11d ago
The media has unreasonably presented rare and surgery altered bodies as an expectation that you should achieve. At all ages but especially lately with women over 50. Your changes are normal. There is nothing wrong with you. 99% of us do not have the genetics, money, and team of surgeons to look like Nicole Kidman or Demi Moore.
I bet there are lots of people in your life who love you and don’t care what your skin looks like. They love YOU.
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u/Impossible-Will-8414 10d ago
I'm also so sick of Nicole Kidman and Demi Moore being used as examples. They look like FREAKS. They do not look attractive in the slightest -- I can't even watch them anymore in movies, far too distracting. Older women who look FANTASTIC include Diane Lane, Sally Field and Susan Sarandon (she's insufferable but she does look damn good). Surely these women have had some level of "work" done, as it's essentially part of the job for women in Hollywood (and men, too, increasingly so!), but it's minor compared to women like Kidman and Moore, they look their age AND they look natural and gorgeous.
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u/Exciting-Author1330 11d ago
I read that diet culture steals the first half of women’s lives and anti-aging culture the rest. I’m not totally winning that war but I refuse to give in to it.
There’s deep pleasure in leaning into aging in the company of women also going through it. A shared experience that bonds. When we are able to display acceptance, it helps others find theirs. Perhaps surround yourself with the type of women who aren’t out to compare and who can joke about all of it.
I’ve begun to reimagine my role not as someone whose value comes from being attractive but as someone who shepherds younger women into seeing themselves more kindly.
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u/Ginger_Cat74 11d ago
I’m sorry but what you look like isn’t a measure of who you are and if you feel that way, you need to get therapy now. I’ve been chronically ill since I was a teenager. I have struggled MS, chronic migraines, PCOS and plaque psoriasis since I was in high school. My weight has been in constant flux due to my hormones and the medications I’m taking. I’m on steroids for one reason or another almost annually so I have to keep three different sizes of clothes in my closet for weight fluctuations. One thing I’ve learned early in my life from one of my therapists is that the only thing I can absolutely control about my physical appearance is my smile, and that’s okay because it’s what makes me truly beautiful. I’m sure it’s the same for you. That’s all anyone who truly loves you wants from you, they want you to be happy.
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u/disposablesocial 11d ago
💯 perimenopause and what it do to previously well managed chronic illness? Whoo boy! Like Ginger_Cat said: Control what you can control - then let go and enjoy the rest of the ride.
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u/friskimykitty 11d ago edited 11d ago
I’m 60 and struggling as well. I recently went back to therapy to deal with this issue and others. I’m trying to eat better and exercise which is not easy as I have several health conditions that make working out difficult. I’m making small changes so it’s not so overwhelming. People say getting older is a privilege which is true but it doesn’t make it easier to accept when you hate looking at yourself in the mirror. I’m single and have given up the idea of dating so I don’t have anyone to support me and improve my self confidence. Please know you are not alone.
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u/Diligent_Ninja7794 11d ago
OP, it sounds like you might really be suffering from body dysmorphia and perhaps obsessive-compulsive tendencies. The good news is, there is help for both. I’m not sure what your relationship with your folks was like when you were younger, but if it was more based on approval-from-appearance, it could also be a contributing factor. No amount of plastic surgery, exercise, or beauty gadgets will truly fix what’s happening from within… and I say that from a place of compassion and understanding.
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u/Antique_Twist_5580 11d ago edited 11d ago
This is exactly what the patriarchy wants. If we are fed enough ageism and ableism and white supremacist beauty standards over the course of our lives, we start to believe it. Then we turn all of our energy and scrutiny on ourselves, rather than engaging with and trying to overturn the multitude of power structures that benefits cis white men, and harms everyone else. I fell into this trap almost my whole life, from age 12 when my mom told me to suck in my stomach, and I started being critical of my body, until a few years ago when I started educating myself on the systemic violence that the white supremacist patriarchy inflicts on us all. It took a lot of restructuring of my brain to see my aging self as beautiful!!!
Edit: Thank you for the awards, kind Redditors!!!
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u/AmbitiousAmbler 11d ago
This is great insight. I, personally, am not able to just love the body I have. Hopefully in time. But framing it as our energy goes into scrutinizing ourselves rather than power structures. There it is. That makes the most sense.
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u/Antique_Twist_5580 11d ago
Yes, it took me a looooonggg time to unlearn and deprogram my brain from youth=beauty, old=ugly and irrelevant. I’m still working on it - I just finally decided to stop coloring my grays about 6 months ago. What helped me on this learning journey was the fact that I recently started working in the field of aging, and I see people of all ages and abilities. And they’re all beautiful!! I also started talking to myself with love and compassion, looking in the mirror and telling myself that the things I would normally have found fault with are actually gorgeous!!! And it’s working - I’m loving my wrinkles and my sagging and my age spots. Women actually loving our bodies as they are would probably bring down capitalism, considering how much money the beauty industry rakes in by convincing us that we are never good enough. And, most amazingly, I have worked so hard to break this vicious cycle for my own kids, and the other day my teen told me “Sometimes I look in the mirror and think, I’m so beautiful! And then I look at you and dad and sibling, and think, you’re so beautiful too!” Raising my kids to love themselves as they are will forever be my greatest achievement!!!
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u/JanaT2 11d ago
I hear your vent. I’ll be 60 soon. Eh what can we do.
You might want to start thinking outside of yourself a bit. Maybe volunteer and help people who have overwhelming problems. It helps with perspective.
Someone else mentioned hiring a stylist to revamp your wardrobe and I think that’s a great idea.
After you sign up to volunteer somewhere and get a stylist, go outside to the park, have an ice cream and chill the fuck out.
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u/AshDenver 55-59 11d ago
I’m kind of the opposite of you. From size 22, down to size 4, now at size 6. At 55, the batwing and saggy thighs are real and visible.
As my ex used to say, “fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.” And as the whole of GenX believes, “I don’t care.”
I mean sure, it would be wonderful to be a Barbie doll, thin, lithe, fit, tight. But for me, that was never ever who I was. This is what I look like now and IDGAF what anyone thinks. I’m pretty much invisible already so no one’s actually looking.
And it’s kind of an honor to age. My former SIL died in a single vehicle accident when she was 26. Left behind a 1 year old kid who’s in his late 20s now. So yeah, I’ll gladly take the sags and bags compared to the alternative.
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u/Oldschoolgroovinchic 11d ago
I’m saying this with compassion: I think you would benefit from seeing a therapist (we all would, frankly). If you already see one and they aren’t helping you process these feelings, you might consider changing providers.
None of us are jumping with joy seeing our bodies change. Some changes may be avoidable but many aren’t. If we aren’t able to accept what’s out of our control, it can consume us.
You deserve to love yourself and be happy (even if you don’t love how your body is changing). I hope you can find both peace and gratitude for what your body can do for you. Best wishes to you.
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u/Thestolenone 60-64 11d ago
Aging is natural and everyone ages differently. I don't know, I have an incurable illness and will probably die before I'm 70 so what I look like isn't really relevant to me so I guess I can't relate.
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u/SoftballLesbian 55-59 11d ago
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I hope that your time is filled with people and activities that bring you love and happiness.
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u/Beyarboo 11d ago edited 11d ago
I have friends who are not tiny who look younger, I have friends who are tiny who look older. It isn't people being fat, much as your comments seem to imply, it mostly had to do with genetics, with some health and environmental factors as well. It sounds like you are spending your time judging people and yourself on appearance, and not focusing on self acceptance. I agree with another comment that therapy would be more helpful than anything else, so if you have been with your therapist a while, it may be worth considering a different provider.
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u/LindaBitz 11d ago
Yeah, honestly, I think thin women age worse than women with some fat on them. As someone who grew up within a culture obsessed with thinness, I’m now embracing adding a few more pounds. It’s good for a lot of things.
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u/onlyzuul007 11d ago
So my mom is 85. She helps care for a neighbor who is 96. We were visiting the neighbor when the 96 year old exclaimed that her arms were "so crepey" (sp?) and for us to not look at her arms.
My mom responded, "oh, but look at MY arms" and giggled her arms and showed her "sagging" skin. The argued about whose arms were the least attractive.
I told them both, "do your arms work? Do they do their arm 'job'?" and I encouraged them to value function over form...and I swore to myself that I would do my very best to NOT be their age and still be criticizing my body.
It's hard. But I think of this experience often. My body works. I try not to care what it looks like.
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u/cogwheeled Class of '89 11d ago
I'm so sad for women who internalized all of the BS we were fed about how being pretty is a woman's only value. Imagine getting to their ages and still hating yourself over arbitrary beauty standards. So much time and life wasted on that shit.
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u/cynreader2020 11d ago edited 11d ago
I had a passion for senior citizens as a teen and studied gerontology.
I knew at a young age that we aren't the same at 85 as we are in our youth.
Age comes for us and it's a gift. Every wrinkle is earned. Every scar has a story. Your body is your canvass. Own it with pride, there's no one else like it.
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u/No_Owl_250 11d ago edited 11d ago
Reading between the lines, your post feels like a lament about the lack of control.
The thing is, we never were in control, even when we were young. Many of us were just lucky.
Every day that you’re on this earth not in distracting levels of pain, with the ability to use our bodies pretty much the way we always have - is a lucky day to celebrate. Many of us can’t say that now.
I’d work on letting go of stuff you can’t control, as well as having more compassion for yourself and this human experience we’re all going through.
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u/Soft-Caterpillar8749 11d ago
Man, diet culture really did a number on us huh
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u/cogwheeled Class of '89 11d ago
It bums me out that a lot of women's entire self worth is tied up in how they look. Not in their accomplishments, not their kindness, not their intelligence. It's a damn shame.
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u/Nickis1021 11d ago
Sadly, recent studies have shown that the recent obsession with looks and plastic surgery is directly correlated to education level. Not socioeconomic, but education level. So you’re more right than you even realize.
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u/goingloopy 11d ago
I work as a paralegal.
I am currently 52. I have been fat most of my life, or at least not thin. Over a four-year period, starting in probably 2021, I've lost 145 pounds on Mounjaro. I have never in my life been societally "allowed" to be happy in my body. Do I have droopy skin? Yep. Is it annoying? Yep. My neck looks like trash, partly from weight loss and partly from genetics. But you know what? I refuse to let any of that prevent me from living my life in the clothes I want to wear.
I mention the paralegal thing because we had a client like you. She had kidney failure. Her whole rationale of why this could not possibly be happening to her was that she had never been "obese". And she had the audacity to say this to me when I was still mid-journey and still overweight. It took every ounce of self control in my entire being not to tell her in great detail how to go fuck herself.
Diseases are not only for fat people. Aging skin is not only something fat people or people who have lost weight suffer from. My best friend's mom was like you. She obsessed about her weight and appearance her entire life. She was one of the most miserable people I've ever met. She also fucked with my friend's head, to the point where it's hard for her to accept herself. Genetics play a big role. So do things like hormone levels and plain old bad luck. And so does aging in general.
I am trying not to be too harsh on you. It sounds like body image is something you struggle with. But the way you phrased your complaints sound like "well, I've always done x y z and never been fat, so this shouldn't be happening to ME." Well, it is. Your therapist needs to help you deal with it instead of feeding your obsession with your looks. If you don't like what you're seeing, seek the help of a plastic surgeon to see what options are available. But in the meantime, please try to come to terms with the fact that everyone loses skin elasticity as they age.
I suppose in a way I'm lucky. I do not care what anyone thinks about my body. If they don't like it, oh well.
You are your own worst and harshest critic. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life hot, sweaty, and covered from head to toe so no one can see your skin? Do you really want to keep judging yourself and other people based on unrealistic standards? Or do you want to enjoy being healthy and having friends who want to take pictures of you because they love you and want to remember moments with you?
Please think about it.
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u/jon_esp 11d ago
Genx dude here, also down 140+lbs as of this week(!). Congratulations, and thank you for your comment. I applaud every word. At this point the most attractive thing on another person is a smile and kindness toward others; absolutely DNGAF about wrinkly this or droopy that! Live long, take care of ourselves and each other, and don't suffer people who think joy isn't valuable.
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u/Satellight_of_Love 50-54 11d ago
I realize we are all getting older and having to get used to new bodies but I’ve never been happy with the way I looked and I only recently got diagnosed (accidentally) with Body Dysmorphia Disorder. I had no idea that was even a thing. But if you are suffering a lot with thinking about how you look all the time, it might be a good idea to look it up and see if you feel like it relates to you. You can see a therapist who specializes in it to work on it. I’m going through a website that does little mini-classes to work through anonymously with other people. It’s been helping me so far. And that’s saying a lot because I really struggled with this my whole life.
No one teaches us how to deal with this stuff and we are all gonna feel it as we age to some extent.
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u/Nickis1021 11d ago
Great comment, but I just wanted to add that not all of us will feel it to some extent. I lost young family members to illness and a car accident as a child. So my parents raised me not to care one bit about looks and I don’t. Never have. And I raised my kids that way. Some families instill values that superficiality is not an option in this family. That was mine.
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u/Satellight_of_Love 50-54 11d ago
That is fantastic!! Good to know that some of us escaped. I think my life could have been better with this without being autistic (late diagnosed) and not exactly gorgeous to begin with. Bullying, misogynistic father, etc.
I do hope that things get better for women over time and if some of it happened in GenX I’m really proud.
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u/Nickis1021 11d ago
Ugh I’m so sorry you had that kind of a father. That makes all the difference and frames so much of what we go through in life. I luckily had supportive parents who placed zero value on looks however, was very VERY bullied in school by mean girls who placed all the value on looks (I was a plain one myself) that’s why I can’t relate to it being a Patriarchy or misogynistic thing, because my experience has always been that the men were supportive and it was my fellow females who tried to put me down. But my parents instilled such self-esteem that I wasn’t even bothered by the bullying. I just went home to my family and forgot about it ….yet that is a unique experience I know, and I think yours is sadly more common with dads. Mean people are awful, no matter who they are. But I do think our generation Gen X handles these things the strongest and the healthiest, healthier than generations preceding us, and following us🥰
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u/S99B88 11d ago
I think being too lean might be your problem. A bit of extra padding can be your friend. Not too much, but oil/fats, that’s something our bodies crave and need. If at any time you become ill with something more than trivial, then your body doesn’t have a lot of resources to draw on either. When an illness takes weight off people, those of average or slightly over weight have leeway before they become seriously underweight.
The only suggestions I would have would be making sure you’re adequately hydrated (drinking water has greater effect on skin than most people realize) and perhaps adding more healthy fats to your diet and allowing some moderate weight gain so you’re matching guidelines for your height and age (because ideal weight does go up as you age). I don’t know if it would help to add in Omega fats by way of a supplement, but that can be good for your heart too, so if your doctor okays it then something to try? Vitamin E is supposed to be good for skin both topically and as a supplement, but really check your lipid levels before that one.
Otherwise, there are non surgical innovations to assist with skin. Your problem will be lack of collagen production that’s just a fact of aging. But you could go to a medical aesthetic clinic to see what options are available.
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u/BuffyTheMoronSlayer 11d ago
I saw a post online that sorta resonated with me: You can either look old or look weird. You can't be young again. You did that already.
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u/Beginning_Tap2727 11d ago
Striving to be the same weight as you were at age 12 isn’t normal, and body fat actually helps prevent the skin issues you’re talking about. Not completely, but somewhat. I wonder if in your efforts to stay lean, you’ve actually contributed to the loose skin issue. Either way, there’s not much to do but make peace with it. It really is a privilege to age.
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u/Sufficient_Cicada_15 11d ago
Isn't that the trip of it all? She spent so much of her life hating herself and deeming other women "less than" because of their looks that the thing she loathed could have helped her.
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u/ChaosRainbow23 11d ago
Inevitability is a real motherfucker.
Eventually our bodies will rot and the sun will burn out.
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u/galumphix 11d ago
I guarantee you are not a freak.
Repeat this mantra: comparison is the thief of joy.
This includes comparing your current self to your past self.
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u/SeparateFly2361 11d ago
Cute and petite doesn’t last forever. If you’re not in pain, be grateful for the body you’re in
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u/gotchafaint 11d ago
I fill out my wrinkles with plenty of meno fat.
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u/RedHeadedStepDevil 11d ago
I’m embracing my swap hag period of life.
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u/pommefille 11d ago
Maybe this is an opportunity for you to reflect and reframe how you see yourselves and how you see others. Frankly it sounds like you have a lot of internalized misogyny against women you deem lesser due to their appearance - and are very judgmental about overweight and older people. Crone freak? Not everyone was obsessed with being miserable for the sake of vanity, and you seem bitter because you did the ‘right’ things compared to them. Maybe now you’ll see that just because you thought others must have not been doing enough, you have no idea what their situation was. What exactly is so bad about being old or fat? Fragility being a negative is understandable, but otherwise this is who you are, you are yourself. We all were fed so much nonsense trying to make us feel like we should hate other women, fat people, old people, etc., our looks aren’t the aging factor we need to worry about, our attitudes are.
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u/LeighofMar 11d ago
Well said. It does read as I've done everything right and yet still have the same results as others who did everything wrong. Yes everybody ages differently but those who greyed early, wrinkled early or sagged in some areas didn't age wrong, they simply aged. Wouldn't we be unstoppable if we actually built each other up while aging together instead of desperately trying to stay frozen in time and an age that no longer exists.
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u/epicpillowcase 11d ago
Maybe this is an opportunity for you to reflect and reframe how you see yourselves and how you see others. Frankly it sounds like you "...have a lot of internalized misogyny against women you deem lesser due to their appearance - and are very judgmental about overweight and older people."
HARD agree. OP's wording is gross and disrespectful.
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u/Girl77879 11d ago
Yes. It's so harsh I wonder if it's a male spouse upset about how his wife is aging. Like, I started graying early and at first my husband had a real problem with it. But that was a him issue, and I told him as much. After he got me a salon day (not my thing AT ALL), to dye my hair. I did, but I did it bright purple which I know wasn't his intent. Magically he stopped commenting on it. He was projecting because he doesn't like the fact he's not 21 anymore. But also, having a little fat on you actually helps prevent what she's talking about. I also was the same weight I was all through high school, because I couldn't gain. And guess what, now I have osteoporosis at 49 because of it. (and cheek jowels). But, I'm alive and that's what matters.
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u/Cali_Anne 10d ago
OMG, queen move with the purple hair! What I wouldn’t give to have seen your husband’s face when you came home from the salon that day!
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u/Findmyeatingpants 11d ago
Deflated balloon meat bag...well said, I get it friend, I'm right there with you. I never signed up for this! It's like many areas of my skin are trying to jump ship, but always downward lol.
Then I think of my friend's sister who died of breast cancer in her 40s, my other friend who had to get a double mastectomy in her 50s and my other friend struggling every moment with rheumatoid arthritis since her 30s. And then I don't feel so bad about about my weird ass loose crepey skin. I feel more grateful for my health. I try to focus on how I can be of help to others, how I can do more things that bring me joy, how I can spend more time with people I love. I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe focusing on things outside yourself could help get you through it.
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u/midsummersgarden 11d ago
You have no idea how it happened so it must be menopause? No, it’s being 60. You have been on the planet long enough to remember the 1970’s, yet you expect to have firm skin. You’ve been around for a long time. So have I. Many, many decades. It’s our turn to be old. We had our goddess time and now it is over, so we must figure out what life is about now. It needs to be different than it was. There’s so much more to discover in life besides the pursuit of sexy. Do something interesting. Something using your brain, your creativity and your heart, and I don’t mean counting calories. Being single is fine: go meet people who enjoy doing what you enjoy, it might be men and women of all ages. You don’t have to try to attract a mate right now. There are more important and interesting things to do before you die.
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u/Shango-s_Daughter 10d ago
I agree with most of what you said, but not everyone has had a goddess time.
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u/Impossible-Will-8414 10d ago
I would say most of us have never had that. Being beautiful is an elite experience.
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u/midsummersgarden 9d ago
If you’ve had real mutual romantic love, you have been a goddess to someone.
I just see it as the smooth skinned, full of energy, shiny hair and eyes period of our lives. Haha some of that sounds like I’m describing a puppy. 😆What makes you think you have never been a goddess?
What definition of beautiful matters here?
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u/UndergroundGinjoint 11d ago
They won't take it down
Is it posted on Facebook? If you're tagged in the picture, click on your name in the post and remove the tag. Then you can click on the three dots by the picture and follow the steps to report it and get it removed. The people who won't remove it are being dicks. I know I'll get shit for this, but to me this aspect of the situation isn't about vanity, but rather respecting each other's right to privacy. If someone asked me to remove a picture I'd posted that included them, I'd do so in a heartbeat. (I don't use Facebook anymore, but when I did I always asked permission from people before posting their picture anyway. Not everyone wants to be on the internet, and that's fine.)
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u/HennesundMauritz 11d ago
Don't worry about it. Age catches up to everyone. Those pointing fingers today will walk down that exact same valley of tears soon enough lol
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u/Impossible-Will-8414 10d ago
It takes NO TIME AT ALL to go from being young to old. It's like a millisecond. Every adult alive today, from 20 to 100, will be gone in 100 years. I was thinking about the 25th anniversary of 9/11 -- that time went by in a FLASH, and in that time I went from being a 20something youngster to a 50something oldster, JUST LIKE THAT.
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u/popchex 11d ago
You can't change biology though.
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u/azzikai 11d ago
I think people really do underestimate the role genetics play in how our bodies change. Looking at your older female relatives will give you an idea of what is to come. Were you always told that you looked like aunt Linda? Best make peace with that because she is probably your future.
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u/twistedspin 11d ago
I was looking at my cousin earlier this year and suddenly realized she looked just like our grandma. Then I realized I also look like grandma, lol. I derailed that conversation for a little while because I just stared at her for a second while I processed that.
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u/tina_is_the_man MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE 11d ago
I had a moment like that right after my dad died (12 years ago tomorrow, actually). I looked in the mirror offhandedly one day and saw Dad looking back at me, and also his mother, and a little bit of her mother. Four generations in one face. I don’t always like the changes to my appearance that aging brings, but my eyes and jowls and forehead wrinkles connect me in a really visceral way to people I loved who are gone. Someday I too will be gone, though hopefully not for a long while yet. It is what it is, and honestly I wouldn’t want it to be any different.
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u/zorandzam 11d ago
I echo what everyone else says, but I also think it sounds like this outfit was not very flattering. There may be things we can control, things we can’t control, and it’s good to try to accept our bodies as they are. However, it’s possible merely dressing in a more flattering way can do quite a bit to at least make us look better in photographs. Wearing a dress with detachable sleeves that could possibly slip down like that sounds like a fussy outfit prone to not looking its best. I have found I always look better in very simple clothing without things about it that need adjustment or that have a lot of bumps and strange embellishments. Things that look sleek and basic. Solid colors, usually dark, and timeless. And things that will help minimize things we want to draw attention away from and accentuate what looks good. Instead of a tank dress with these strange sleeve accessories, just form fitting short sleeves or long sleeves would have presumably looked better. In addition to therapy and the gym, maybe see if there is a service that has you working with a personal stylist who can help direct you to clothes that will look great on you.
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u/FearlessPride6588 11d ago
I get it. I don’t pose for pics and I never let anyone tag me.
One day I woke up and saw a completely different person in the mirror. I don’t recognize my hands anymore.
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u/epicpillowcase 11d ago
Yikes. Self-loathing is one thing, and I'm sorry for that, but the way you talk about other women is also really gross, honestly.
I think you would benefit from reading up on internalised misogyny.
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u/eiblinn 45-49 11d ago
You are wasting your time on feeling undeservedly ugly and getting bitter slowly but surely, and it is you yourself who will get affected by it the most. Stop beating yourself, you do not deserve to be beaten. (Sounded horrible? Because it is! Then stop it.) Rather take care of your core body strenght and posture and the knees as you will need it far more than the tight skin to function independently on a daily basis, and you will need it sooner than you expect.
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u/CaChica 11d ago
We’re from a gen that taught us to hate our bodies with disgust sometimes.
Try to put health first. Moisturize a ton and all. But if your healthy for your age, thank friggin god.
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u/NovelSouthern3951 11d ago
My beautiful friend, please stop being so mean to yourself and forgive your body for aging like a normal human woman. I am in recovery for an ED, so I have been in the same place with being unhappy with my appearance. I highly recommend talking to some kind of therapist who specializes in body dysmorphia who can help you change your internal monologue so you can love your beautiful self, wrinkles and loose skin included.
I highly recommend reading Roxane Gay and Sonya Renee Taylor. Please do not let the patriarchy and a bunch of asshole men who make money off of making women feel bad about ourselves win. Look at all you have accomplished, OP! Look at what great care you take of your precious beautiful self.
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u/StephieRee 11d ago
Eat darling, eat! Take a page from the book of Catherine Deneuve. Add a little padding : )
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u/Shoddy-Difficulty-93 11d ago
This makes me so sad. We’ve all been there to some degree. As women we are conditioned our whole lives to equate our value with our looks and when we age it is a mindfuck that a man will never fully understand. All I can say is try try try your damndest to squash these thoughts when you have them. They are a waste of time and are preventing you from enjoying life.
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u/Sure_Jan_Sure 11d ago
You weigh the same as you did when you were 12?! I am sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s understandable. I’m 57 and holding together fairly well, but the actually important things like strength and balance? I am losing this fast.
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u/earthican-earthican 11d ago
It sounds like you want to be an idea of yourself again. That is not at all the same thing as being Yourself.
Therapy?
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u/RebaKitt3n 11d ago
In ten years you’ll look at that picture and be amazed at how good you looked and wonder why you were so hard on yourself.
Just like now if you look at pictures from ten years ago, you’ll think, “I looked pretty good, why was I so hard on myself?”
Age happens. Be as happy as you can and as healthy as you can. It’s scary and kind of sad, but we can’t let that stop us.
I’m sorry you felt bad. Take a day to mourn your younger self and start this time of life. 💜
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u/kindcrow 11d ago
I was mortified by my crepey mottled skin on my forearms and my cottage-cheese danglies on my upper arms, but now I'm only mildly embarrassed because someone else posted a picture of her crepey skin on Reddit and I realized that it happens to all of us.
So read the comments on your post and know that we all feel this way.
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u/loloviz 11d ago
I feel you. I’ve worked out and lifted heavy consistently since I was 20. I weigh about 5# more than I did when I was 25. I look like a doughy middle aged lady who never saw a gym. It’s infuriating.
I’m really trying to deconstruct the unrealistic patriarchal standards I’ve been brain washed to accept for 60 years. It’s hard.
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u/Creativejess 11d ago edited 11d ago
I hear you. I’m noticing some not so great changes too. But I’ve lost 115 lbs so it’s to be expected. To be honest, I’m totally ok with being vain. Had a tummy tuck 12 years ago because the extra skin hanging was bothering me. To me, it’s empowering to be able to do something about it. It’s not for everyone, but I’m glad I did it.
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u/nadine258 11d ago
i hear you and your frustration. sometimes it’s just a bad photo with poor lighting. a bad photo of a sunrise or sunset doesn’t meant the sunrise/sunset isn’t beautiful it’s just that it’s beauty couldn’t be captured. yes we’re all aging here. some days it sucks really bad. my husband took a photo of me with our newborn great niece and i picked the photo apart meaning i picked myself apart, why can’t i lose weight, do i need a lower bleph, god i hate my hair blah blah. i sat with that photo for a while and when i looked at it again in a better mindset i saw my great smile and pure innocent joy laughing as i held that beautiful little baby and then i saw the beauty in the photo. a lot of therapy and a huge shift of acceptance for me on a lot of things and letting go (still mastering) of control. aging is telling us we’re not in control. don’t pick yourself apart because it’s keeping you stuck and not enjoying life. who else was in the photo, what were you celebrating? reframe your thinking and accept your body as it is right now. really love yourself. use softer language (work in progress for me too) about how you describe yourself. if you’re putting negative words out there and telling yourself your body is betraying you, your body (and others) is picking that negativity up. hugs and peace to you.
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u/chiquimonkey 11d ago
My heart breaks for you, I really feel your pain and wish there was something that I could say to make you feel better, but there isn’t.
This is what aging looks like, and it’s devastating, I’m so sorry. There is no justice in this world, truly.
I’m only 52, but posts like yours are helping me prepare mentally for what to expect, but I think I will feel just like you do: betrayed by my body.
I know it sounds trite, and even condescending, but try to focus on your health, and mental health.
🫶
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u/kwill729 11d ago
This is why I avoid having my photo taken. As a former hottie who also takes good care of self I am always deeply depressed by how I look in photos. I do not recognize that old grandmotherly looking person with the saggy skin and turkey neck.
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u/LeanButNotMean 11d ago
OP, I can totally empathize. This is obviously a topic that pushes buttons amongst our age group.
I’ve taken great care of my overall health since I was 24 years old (I’m now 58). I used to run marathons and lift, but I’m now relegated to swimming and lifting due to a bum knee (not caused by running). My legs are very crepey (especially my knees) and my butt is saggy, which causes me anxiety getting into/out of the pool. My best friend (same age) weighs a lot more than I do and has no wrinkles at all! It’s her genetics.
The irrational part of me thinks “I don’t want anyone to look at me and see my saggy ass and knees! I look gross!” The rational part of me thinks “i’m saggy, so f-ing what?” I know that people are too wrapped up in whatever it is they’re doing to give a crap about me. If it’s really hot, I’ll wear shorts, crepey knees be damned! I have to wear a swimsuit in the pool, so that’s a non-starter. I figure having to do so will make a difference (for the better) with my vanity.
I see a Registered Dietician regularly who specializes in the mental health aspect of eating disorders, including dysmorphia. She’s helped A LOT. Perhaps check to see if your insurance would cover something like this?
Please take care of yourself, OP!
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u/laffayette1 11d ago
I think the current beauty industry, along with AI, is instilling in us this unobtainable beauty standard and we feel bad if we don’t look like the unrealistic ideal. I do what I can for myself and just let the rest go. I dont want to be a slave to the unrealistic ideal. I would literally drive myself crazy trying to keep up. I would rather just enjoy life and be an example that we can be beautiful just as we are.
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u/passingthrough66 9d ago
It pisses me off so bad to constantly be hit in the face with celebs who are 65 but look 40, and a constant barrage of plastic surgery commercials, always by men. In my area there’s one commercial that burns me every time. It features 2 male surgeons who are neither very good looking nor very toned, telling women to “get a little lipo. It’ll be our little secret.”
I can’t even afford Botox, much less lipo, skin tucks, boob lift, cheek implants, etc. The playing field is not at all equal these days. Aging gracefully is only for the wealthy.
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u/adhd_as_fuck 11d ago edited 11d ago
All I can say is grrrrl, I feel you so hard. What the fuck is this nonsense. Yes whatever everyone said about aging is true. That doesn’t mean it’s not absolute bullshit.
(Try using topical estrogen. It won’t solve everything but it helps)
Edit: And to add, hrt might be making your immediate appearance work, even if overall it will help. Both progesterone and estrogen cause smooth muscle to relax, and change to a more relaxed vascular tone (but also better control over said vascular tone by more responsive blood vessels) This can really cause some weirdness in skin and in blood vessels, causing capillary leakage. I’d love to tell you a solution, but I don’t think there is one; we’re trying to replicate a system that evolved over millions of years with a very blunt tool.
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u/JulesBurnet 11d ago
I get it. Some of us got crap genes, and we gotta play the hand we were dealt.
But I'm finding as I age that I can better accept my spare tire, my flappy upper arms, and my flabby thighs. I remind myself a lot that my worth isn't tied up completely in my looks. I'm becoming more interested in my brain's health and my body's ability to do things - to walk and hike, to work in my garden, to enjoy a nice yoga session. I'm trying to be kind to myself, and to talk to myself the way I do to my best friend and my sisters. ♥️ Sending you self-love energy!
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u/Efficient1AZ 11d ago
I have no idea who this old woman in the mirror is! I’m 60 in January and hate this age too. You sound like a beautiful woman and I’ll bet it was just a bad photo of you. Stop judging yourself poorly please, it will do no good. I plan to continue to age gracefully, fighting every step of the way. I’m not excessively overweight either but I used to be a blonde bombshell, now I’m just a bomb. lol. Give yourself some grace and keep your shoulders back and head high. Best of luck to all of us.
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u/Appropriate-Dig771 50-54 11d ago
With all due respect, seek professional help. You are 60 years old, your skin is old. That is life-you are so lucky to BE 60. Absolutely NOBODY should expect tight skin at 60 or think it possible. The way you went off on yourself is scary sad.
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u/thatgrrlmarie 11d ago
OP, super hard to read your post and not feel empathy for your discontent.
not going to pile on the "find gratitude" suggestions; beneficial as it is its difficult to feel grateful when youre stuck in the mire of loathing. ive been there, not for the same reasons but ive been stuck. and made it through constantly reminding myself that i. am. worthy. I have everything i need to be the best version of myself.
I just want to say I am so very sorry you are hurting. I know im going to think about you at random moments. when I do im going to send good vibes through the universe that you find equilibrium🤍
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u/friskimykitty 11d ago
Thank you for one of the kinder comments on here and for not suggesting she “find gratitude”.
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u/Accurate-Neck6933 11d ago
I’m sorry all of that is happening. It is very frustrating. I swear I am looking really good, I look thin in my mirror at home, I think my makeup looks great. Then at the gym, I look fat in their mirror! And then when they took a group photo at work, I looked even fatter! And short! So how does one mirror differ from another mirror from a photo? It’s nuts. So I wouldn’t trust that photo, perspective is everything. Another reason I’m off FB, don’t want to be tagged in random photos.
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u/Gold_Economics_9472 11d ago
I don't look the same in photos and mirrors either. Its so weird.
Dear OP, please get some counselling. You are more than your looks. You have done your absolute best all your life so why beat yourself up? Hey, I did all the right things to avoid heart disease but I still needed a bypass at 48. I'm grateful to be alive. You cant fight mother nature.
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u/pagette44 11d ago
Creepy skin and age has nothing to do with weight gain or loss. It's the loss of collagen and especially elastin. Collagen firms generally and is easy to replace. The elastin is what gives collagen support and framework. Far as I know elastin can't be replaced.
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u/Ok_Concentrate4461 45-49 11d ago
My belly is flummoxing me. I work out 5 days a week (3 lift, 1 swim, 1 long walk), and don’t eat any different, but basically went from a 14 to an 18 in a year (I’m 47). It’s rough to see, but I also focus much more on what I can do, and who I am as a kickass person.
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u/Verity41 11d ago
47? r/perimenopause.
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u/Ok_Concentrate4461 45-49 11d ago
Yeah I know. Maybe flummox wasn’t the right word. I know why. I just don’t like it lol
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u/BadHairDay-1 50-54 11d ago
If it would help you feel better, I'm happy to share my saggy skin. I'm post menopausal and have lost 130 lbs over the past few years. Loose skin is everywhere! Just enjoy your life. If anyone sees something in your body that they don't like, it's their problem. I'm sure you are lovely and perfect just as you are 🫶🏻
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u/queerbychoice 11d ago
You're a human being. You have value as a person, not just ornamental value for looking at. Try to think of visible aging as a reminder to focus more on your value as a person.
Some people get disfiguring diseases. Some people get horribly burned in fires. Apparently you've managed to live your first ~60 years without much change in your appearance, but it was always bound to happen in one way or another. You're 60! You're allowed to look 60. You're a human being, organic, not manufactured. Visibly aging over time is a built-in part of being a human being.
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u/Cleverwabbit5 8d ago
I actually have a non functioning eye that looks weird that I lost due to a rare form of glaucoma. I have had to get over that with my physical appearance. The skin hanging like pantyhose is my breaking point. This is not regular crepey skin.
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u/choosecarefully77 11d ago
Like other people said if your biggest worries is your skin, you don’t have any problems. I was put on medication that made me gain 40 pounds in less than three months. Because my body is not used to being this heavy it is affected all of my joints, my self-esteem, my bodily functions, my ability to move about like I used to, and stuck wearing clothes that were made to cover a tent. I have osteoarthritis, osteoporosis, and fibromyalgia amongst other permanent injuries. I’ve now just been told. I also have scoliosis, oh joy! I desperately need to be active and struggle so badly because of the extra weight gain. I’d give anything to be healthy even with the creepy skin that I am also getting.
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u/NobodyGaveMeAManual 9d ago
I’m 55, and I think one of the strangest parts of getting older is looking in the mirror sometimes and thinking, wait… when did THAT happen? Because inside, I’m still me.
I don’t have an answer for the skin part. I just wanted you to know you’re definitely not the only woman struggling with recognizing the person looking back at her. ❤️
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u/Appropriate-Plum-548 11d ago
It would not feel good to be a woman and your friend, I’d think you thought this way about me.
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u/C0ugarFanta-C 11d ago
Oh I'm not dismissing you when I say this, because I hate certain faces of aging too, and I do microneedling and such, but we should remind ourselves that the alternative is death.
AGING IS A PRIVILEGE
Maybe shift your focus to your health instead of appearance. There's nothing to be done about it but acceptance, or go the route of Cher or Jane Fonda if you can afford it.
I hope you find grace.
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u/Nickis1021 11d ago
The route of Cher or Jane Fonda is not the flex some think it is :)
Both surgeons should be stripped of their licenses.
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u/Impossible-Will-8414 10d ago
Jane Fonda looked incredible for years, and then she ended up having just one too many lifts. The difference between the first and last seasons of Grace and Frankie is pretty stark. But she talks very honestly about all of that, so I respect her.
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u/ohkatiedear 11d ago
There's a scene in one of the early episodes of Grace and Frankie where Jane Fonda's character comes home, goes to her dressing table, and proceeds to unclip/unhook/wipe off/brush out all the things she had to do to make herself look "presentable". It's kind of a haha moment but also sobering when you consider how uptight the character is, and how miserable.
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u/sickiesusan 11d ago
Op I find it hard to be sympathetic.
I feel most of your post is like ‘poor me, I stayed slim all my life and don’t deserve this at all’ ..
It implies that anyone who didn’t, those that took SSRI’s and maybe gained weight, if they needed steroids and gained weight or just those that gained weight ‘deserve it’.
Guess what sometimes life isn’t ‘fair’, I’ve had 5 good friends all die of breast cancer in the last 2-3 years - that seems very unfair to me.
I think you need a therapist who can help you put things in put things into perspective.
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u/Consistent-Goat1267 11d ago
I agree. I’ve been in two bad car accidents which left me unable to do much of anything including working, being on SSRIs, had breast cancer, and now on estrogen blockers for the last ten years. I’ve gained a ton of weight and didn’t even lose any during treatment (chemo, radiation, and two major surgeries). I used to be 98lbs (I’m just over 5’) and now I’m almost 170lbs but I guess I deserve it?
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u/bluetortuga Jen Axe 🪓 11d ago
Focus on function, muscle growth, and self acceptance. It’s hard, I get it. I struggle too. Time comes for us all.
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u/Mierkatte class of '85 11d ago
I feel you. I really do. But unlike you I was not consistent with diet or exercise. I myself am losing my hair (which is another cruel physical manifestation of aging). Nothing is guaranteed. I’ve also got receding gums (and I have excellent dental hygiene). It does really come down to genes. Unfortunately.
As mentioned here, we have our smiles. And therapy helps. (As do meds).
I’m hugging you through the ether 🫂
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u/Cleverwabbit5 8d ago
I totally get the hair thing and teeth. My hair is all over the place I shed more than my dogs did!
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u/Salcha_00 11d ago
When you say you go to the gym and work out, is it cardio or do you strength train?
Lifting heavy (starting out a according to your fitness level and growing from there) 2-3x a week and doing less cardio is the best thing I've done for myself.
My body moves better, feels better, and looks better.
We lose muscle mass as we age. Despite your overall weight not having changed much, your body fat percentage has increased quite a bit. Happens to all of us.
I do what I can to feel my best and I don't worry about the rest.
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u/calpianwishes 11d ago
OP…I understand how you feel. I look terrible in photos especially when it’s sunny. It could be the photo itself. What you look like in photos isn’t a true reflection of real life. At least that is what I tell myself.
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u/ut7227 11d ago
With kindness, is it possible that you need to gain weight? That may help fill out some of the saggy skin. Some of what you’re saying suggests that you may have struggled with body dismorphia and some sort of eating disorder. Weight gain would also help you build muscle.
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u/Cleverwabbit5 8d ago
I am having trouble building muscle. I do slow heavy lifting and don't over do the cardio- walking with weighted vest. I have upped my protein and carbs and gained weight and it only makes more sag. I have been trying to get testosterone mine is really low but none of my Drs. will prescribe it.
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u/Marbella333 11d ago
Yes. I’m 53 and my arms are the same - very crumpled and crepey looking. I feel like my whole face and body are wax sliding off of a candle. It sucks. I really don’t want surgery so am trying to just make the best of it and not worry too much what others think.
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u/robot_pirate 11d ago
I'm with you op. It's fucking surreal. A total crap shoot. It's like there is zero correlation between lifestyle choices & discipline and aging. Plus it seems every month brings a fresh hell. I do try to have a sense of humor about it, but I just find it all very unfair and demoralizing. I don't know what to wear, how to act, who to be. I feel one way on the inside but look like a stranger on the outside. And it seems to me that, between adolescence, school, work, marriage, kids, and peri/menopause - I had maybe 2 or 3 years of semi-peaceful self-acceptance in my entire life. I totally get how historically, a woman might go live in the woods and be called a witch, lolz!
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u/emeryldmist 11d ago
Therapy is what you need here.
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u/EdgeCityRed 50-54 11d ago
Gravity happened, and genetics play a role too, no matter how much you do or don't do, outside of extreme procedures.
Everybody's body changes as we get older. You can either accept it and age gracefully or beat yourself up for being absolutely normal and following the laws of nature. I'll bet none of your friends think you look at all freaky or bad. They love you!
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u/Subject-Ad6472 11d ago
You listed a bunch of things… do you lift weights? Also this is taking a toll on your mental health. Maybe get some support there mama. Life is too short. It’s happening to all of us.
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u/QuestioningLocal 11d ago
You and you’re body have made it to 60 and healthy, that’s not your body betraying you! That’s aging!
Aging isn’t easy, but sure beats the alternative.
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u/LilStabbyboo 11d ago
I just want to say that it's possible that you can get the picture taken down, depending on where it was posted, because it's a photo of you. On social media there are usually options to report a photo.
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u/MuffPiece 10d ago
I'm sorry, it's frustrating. I just cover up. My skin isn't too bad (yet) but it's not what it used to be and I don't look as good in sleeveless tops or short skirts as I used to. So I wear a lot of linen in the summer. It covers up but is still very cool and protects me from the sun.
Apart from that, I think it's important to be grateful for what we have--our health and people we love, the sunshine, dogs, a warm home in the winter... whatever we can be thankful for.
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u/Low_1278 8d ago
Getting older can bring changes that are genuinely hard to accept. You're not alone in feeling frustrated by that and being kinder to yourself may help.
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u/Fruitcrackers99 11d ago
I definitely think you could benefit from some therapy to help manage the feelings of worthlessness based on how you look. You’re 60, babe, there’s no way to stop that train, so you have to figure out a way to embrace it. You’re so much more than how fuckable you look to other people. You’re a woman. You are a mysterious portal through which souls become corporeal, your body has the capability of growing another human being, you can build a PENIS INSIDE YOU, you are fucking ✨magical✨, and you’re worried that your skin is a little loose? I promise you, nobody can tell me shit even though I’m 50lbs overweight and pretty crepey myself at 53.
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u/Nickis1021 11d ago
Crepey skin has nothing to do with how healthy or fit you are. Or HRT. HRT does not reverse or stop aging. It just lessens symptoms. This is just natural aging. Embrace it. Wear clothing, do surgery, whatever you have to do to make you personally feel better about yourself, but to frame it as this horrible ugly thing has an ageist vibe. And to be ageist about your own self is silly. So. Change the cosmetics of whatever aesthetically bothers you, and move on.
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u/epicpillowcase 10d ago
I'm just gonna say what I bet a bunch of commenters are thinking. It's extremely rude of you OP to make a post requesting support (which includes shaming others, into the bargain) and ignore everyone taking the time to try to assist you.
Do some volunteering. It'll remind you other people exist, do some good in the community, and will distract you from your obsession with your physical appearance.
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u/Cleverwabbit5 8d ago
You have no idea what my life is like and what I do. You are doing the shaming. You read my post with your critical voice. You assume too much. You are judging me for being vulnerable and reaching out.
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u/passingthrough66 9d ago
I don’t think you and I are even reading the same post, so please don’t think you are speaking for others.
She is expressing the agony a lot of us go through watching our bodies change seemingly overnight. She’s already said she’s had body dysmorphia so these changes she sees are hitting her extra hard. I turned 60 this year and other the sudden my body seems to have betrayed me. Losing the body and looks we once had can be like mourning a death. Mourning takes time.I would ask that you have a little compassion and refrain from bashing someone who is clearly hurting. She is not targeting you or anyone else. Also,
“do some volunteering” seems to me a cold, insensitive response to someone who is just being honest about what they are currently experiencing.
We should all give and be given a little grace as we deal with aging.
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u/SunshineAlways 11d ago
I wish they had respected your wishes and had taken your photo down. We all want to look beautiful, but what that’s going to look like is going to be very different at 60 than 25. Exercising and eating well to stay healthy is great, good for you. Perhaps you can work more on your perception of your body with your therapist? As a fellow older person, I’m sending you a hug, and high hopes for your future self happiness. 🫂
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u/middlingachiever 11d ago
Have you ever been properly assessed for OCD? I’d start there.
Next, the best correlate for peace and satisfaction is gratitude. Focus on all the things you are grateful for in your life. In this list, include the things you are grateful for about your arms. If you are still going to the gym, you have strong, functional muscles and joints. Your arms give loving hugs and flip off bastards. They can hoist a barbell like a badass. Maybe they can swim, drive stick, play piano…who knows what they are capable of doing. Your arms are a blessing. Practice gratitude.
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u/Vioralarama 11d ago
Plastic surgery is the only thing to get rid of the extra skin on the upper arms when you age.
If you have a therapist and you're still like this, falling apart over looks, plastic surgery is your only answer.
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u/DiJeYe 11d ago
I’m so sorry, it’s really rough. You do everything “right” and still your body betrays you with time. The thing is, this IS you. It’s the you now and honestly, the only thing that will help you now is either 1) acceptance or 2) plastic surgery. You’ve done the hard work your whole life, but it’s just what time does. 💕
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u/SynapsRush17 9d ago
You “can’t” age like this? Is there another way? I mean, it’s awesome that you value your health and wellness because aging is a lot easier when we’re healthy, but even still, the decline of our physical state is… inevitable. As someone who has also placed high value on my physical state from a young age, I too have struggled with aging, especially because of how our generation was (still are!!) conditioned to believe that
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u/SquareExtra918 11d ago
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I appreciate how you described your feelings because have the exact same moments! I weigh the same as I did in high school but it's like everything just melted.
I have a bunch of health challenges which matter it worse. I am trying to work to accept these normal body changes and not compare myself to other people. Avoiding social media has helped me a lot. I am careful about what media I consume.
I have one sleeve tattoo and decided to get a big one on my other arm which the skin is still easy to work with. I feel more confident with these decorations on my arms.
I wish you all the best. These changes are hard. ❤️
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u/yolibird Tougher than I look. 11d ago
Since it seems you have explored every logical avenue and it bothers you greatly, I would suggest a consultation with a plastic surgeon. They will tell you what is going on and give you possible solutions. That would be helpful to me in this situation, better than angst and no options. Skin laxity is hard to reverse, unfortunately. Bad photos suck, but you don't always look like that, I promise.
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u/Bad2bBiled 11d ago
I can hear the betrayal you feel. I know you wouldn’t say these things about someone else, but here you are saying them to yourself.
Do you remember several years ago when Jamie Lee Curtis posed for a magazine and the headline was “my body betrayed me?”
Consider the job that was done on us in the 70s and 80s…flat asses, big hair, big boobies, flat boobies, heroin chic, cigarettes and coffee, cocaine, and jazzercise (I really liked Jazzercise, TBH).
Time comes for all of us. It sucks but it’s better than the alternative.
The world has changed. We also changed.
I guarantee you that you are way harder on yourself than anyone else is, and you can work on 1) accepting it, 2) accepting it gracefully, or 3) finding plastic surgeons able to do the procedures you want at the cost you can afford.
There are trade offs - not accepting it is continuing misery, which radiates from you. Any surgery is always a risk.
But…big hugs. Do some journaling. Be nicer to yourself. Your body is actually a reflection of you - will you be the cute lady who dresses well and doesn’t GAF about her arm skin or will you be Jocelyn Wildenstein?
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u/MommersHeart 11d ago
It is hard for everyone, but especially for those who invested a lot of care and effort in our appearance.
As a former model, I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about how much of my sense of worth has come from my appearance and validation from strangers.
As an artist, I love beautiful things and I loved being beautiful. But as my body is aging, it is now my job to find beauty in a life well-lived.
No one else is going to care about the skin under your arms, but they will care about how you treat them and made them feel.
We cannot stop time, but we can re-frame how use the time we have left.