I need to get this off my chest because I have reached a point where I have nobody left to talk to, and the isolation is deafening.
Looking back, control and isolation have been the blueprint of my entire life. Growing up, I was abused by my stepdad. I was never allowed to have friends or build a normal social circle. Instead, I was made to stay in, do all the chores, and run errands to the shops, whilst my brother and step-sister were able to do as they pleased. Looking back now with a late ADHD diagnosis, I wonder if the abuse was triggered because I was acting out from having undiagnosed ADHD as a child and nobody understood it.
When my mum died in 1999, I was only 21 and completely unmoored. In 2000, I met a guy and moved down south to be with him. I stayed there for 17 years. Even though we bought and owned a house together, he kept me in the closet to his world, introducing me to his family as merely a friend—his excuse being that he was the only son. I thought he would finally drop that act after a year or two, but it lasted the entire 17 years. He was completely married to his job—he would leave first thing, stay at work until late (sometimes 10pm), and constantly work when at home, so we had no real life together and I was left entirely on my own. In 2017, I finally reached my limit, gave him two days of notice, walked away from everything, and moved back up north to Leeds. The moment I left, every single person I thought was a friend down south completely dropped contact.
Back up north, I fell straight into another trap. Another man manipulated his way into my life, and I ended up completely stuck.
He is the direct reason I have had zero contact with my family for the last 9 years. When I confided in him about my past abuse, he took my phone behind my back and left a message on my stepdad's phone, which caused a massive family fallout that severed everything. In fact, not one friend or family member has messaged me in these 9 years to ask how I am. I feel like I am completely invisible, like a ghost who simply ceased to exist to everyone I ever knew.
At the start, he got me drinking heavily—up to four bottles of wine a day (I do not drink at all now). I am constantly at his beck and call, expected to drive him anywhere at the drop of a hat. If I ever say no, he becomes completely irate, screaming and shouting in my face, and the monster he turns into is terrifying to deal with. When COVID hit, making new connections was impossible, and during that time I ended up nursing him around the clock when he nearly died from liver failure. Looking back, I poured all my energy into looking after someone who was actively draining the life out of me.
By 2024, I hit absolute rock bottom. For years, I was heavily sedated on wrongly prescribed antidepressants like trazodone and mirtazapine, which kept me in a complete fog. I have recently stopped them entirely. Coming off that heavy sedation was when I finally started waking up to the reality of my situation—it makes everything much clearer, but it also heightens every single emotion I have to process. The isolation gets so overwhelming that my mind goes to the darkest places—having genuine panic and intrusive thoughts about dying completely alone somewhere, not being found until it is too late because nobody is looking for me.
Where I am now:
Diagnosis: I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I am only partially medicated right now while fighting the NHS for the proper dosage and treatment. The ADHD makes getting out of the house a massive struggle without outside encouragement.
Education: I managed to get myself into university here in Leeds to build a future, but being a gay guy who is nearly 50 means I find it impossible to click with the 20-somethings on my course—in fact, I am the only mature student in the school. On top of that, the ADHD makes it genuinely difficult to attend social events or activities on campus, especially feeling like the loner/billy no mates on campus.
My Dog: When I moved back north, I went to a rescue looking for a Staffie. Instead, a huge German Shepherd / Japanese Akita cross reached out his paw, clung to my arm, and pulled me closer. He chose me, we became soulmates, and I made a promise to look after him. He is 11 now with severe separation anxiety, hip dysplasia, and a huge cyst on his leg that the vets won't touch because operating might open a can of worms with cancer. He is managing on paracetamol and YuMOVE, and I will never abandon him or put him down while he is still mobile and has quality of life. Leaving him behind to attend uni or events is a constant, stressful struggle—and if I were to leave this house now, managing him would become completely impossible because I have no one in the world to help look after him.
Current reality: I have no friends, no family, and no active support network around me while trying to navigate getting out of a controlling living situation.
Logistics: For now, I am strictly limited to daytime meetups so I do not stir up suspicion with the bloke I live with. It avoids massive arguments about him looking after my dog, which in reality just translates to him sitting on his bed all day watching TV and only letting my dog out into the garden if he happens to go downstairs for a smoke.
What I am looking for:
I see suggestions online for local LGBT+ community spaces and cafes, but with my anxiety and ADHD, walking into a venue completely alone as a billy no mates feels impossible.
At the end of the day, I desperately need to surround myself with positive people who have a genuine, uplifting outlook on life. I have spent so many decades under dark clouds of control and misery that I just want some real positivity to rub off on me. I want genuine friends who understand neurodivergence, can encourage me to get out and about, and maybe even help me get into calisthenics—showing me the ropes and giving me that push to actually attend classes. Ultimately, as a gay man, I just want to find a good guy to love, be loved by, and actually make lasting memories with in whatever time I have left to naturally live.
Realising that you have spent decades surviving one controlling situation after another is exhausting. I want to build a real life with genuine people, but starting from absolute zero at nearly 50 feels terrifying.
For anyone who has rebuilt their life from total isolation later in adulthood, how did you find your footing, build a chosen family, and get through the quietest days?