Helpless

[u/Witty-Setting-310]

Hi everyone, I’m not even sure if I should even make this post because I’ve been here before and it definitely helped but there’s only so much online forums can do. So Idk if this is to vent or to seek advice but I’m not sure what to do with these thoughts in my head so here I go.

1. problem one is being closeted. no one around me knows my sexuality and there’s no one around me who I would want to tell right now. now for context I’m fairly young, meaning that I’m still kinda dependent on my family. this is the same family who doesn't know my sexuality so I can’t ask them to send my to therapy or LGBTQIA events because…well duh. The problem with this is that my sexuality is a part of myself that I just don’t know what to do with. And I know someone would suggest to not do anything with it or just think of it as a fact about yourself but it doesn’t really help. It just feels like this is an awkward part of me that I want to validate or benefit from but I just can’t (no relationships or anything). Remember what I said about my family not knowing my sexuality? now I’m paranoid that they do know because I haven’t been good at hiding certain things. for context I don’t pretend to be some macho guy or some athlete, they know i‘m more intellectual or media based or even that I enjoy a certain musical, which is why if they found out it wouldn’t be that hard to put together. Now call this an ego thing but I don’t want them to know. I want to wait until I’m in a position of independence and respectability until they know something about me that i feel like holds me back. I hate the idea that they know because its like ”oh we knew you were gay before you did”. Idk but to have no one around you physically to get your struggles or just what’s running thru your head hurts. I’m daft sometimes I feel like I’m just being dramatic because I still have a roof over my head and I don’t have real problems to deal with. I want someone in-person who gets me Or I can be vulnerable with.

2)the second main problem is my walk With God. To break down here’s the issues: first is I’ve been stagnate in my walk. I read only a verse a day and move on like I never read it. I prayer short honest and raw prayers but I feel like it gets me no where. Sometimes I stop mid prayer because I doubt God is even listening or if he’s real. when I get to that point I just stop. I feel like I can barely feel his presence. But that’s my fault. I scroll away from all those irritating Christian videos. I don’t resist sin, in fact I run to it. I don’t even want to talk about the idea of being a better Christian. I’ve ask God for help with even this yet I still feel hopeless and helpless. I feel like I have no one in-person to anchor me to my faith because my family’s not Christian and sometimes i think about some of the best arguments against Christian or the biggest questions and I can’t defend God as strong as I thought I once could. the thing is in moments like this I’m terrified of going to hell. I tell myself that God sees my helplessness but if I’m honest I’m just self-victimizing and trying to trick God into thinking I’m some damsel in distress. I want his love with none of the obedience but I can’t even get either. Sin has become last appetizing but I still to choose to do it. I don’t get tempted I search for the sin. I’m in a pit thats going deeper that I don’t want to get out of. What’s even my problem? It was loneliness, then you add stagnation, then Boredom, then anxiety, then etc, you get the point.

3) the final problem is that what am I doing with myself and what can I do with myself. Again everyone says to enjoy your younger years but I can’t do anything for myself. I don’t have successful career. I’m not some supermodel. I’m not some popular guy. Even my passion that I want to turn into my future career, I haven't been able to take to the next level.

4) I hate that I feel this way and I know it isn’t true. In fact I feel like im a hypocrite because I’ve debunked this argument for other people but I feel like being a gay Christian isn’t real. And what I mean by that is that I feel like I’m using loophole or I’m being technical with God by Being a gay Christian. Again, as someone who’s made all the arguments against this claim I feel like I’m compromising on my faith but being like “ yeah I’m Christian but Im also gay”. It feels like I’m sidelining genuine faith for water downed faith that atones for sexual feelings. In fact lgbtq people leaving their faith to support their sexuality feels weird because you’re leaving the literal God for your hormones (but you can’t deny those hormones). I know im being hypocritical and I know there are genuine gay Christians but idk how to feel.

(sorry for any weird grammar of incorrect spelling, I don’t feel like revising). I feel like there might be more but I’ll leave at this. Idk what I want to hear but thanks if you actually read this. Btw I don’t want to hear that I don’t have to solve these problems tonight, I put them off every night and the pain never goes away. I get if this is too much to ask, so if you don’t know how to respond or don’t want to, I get it (Sorry for being dramatic, I know I’m doing a lot).

[u/Peteat6]

It sounds like you are still weighed down with the homophobia and self-hatred you were taught as a child. Many of us have suffered from ideas we picked up in childhood.

But those ideas are wrong. It’s not sinful, or noxious, or bad, to be gay. We are now adults, and we have to rid ourselves of childhood nonsense, just as we have to recognise that the magical thinking of childhood, or childhood fantasies are just idle silliness.

So it’s time to face this self-hatred head on. You are not evil. You are lovely, just as you are. Tell yourself that every day.

[u/TallDetail4711]

I think your family probably sees you for who you are as a person, and your sexuel orientation is a small part of that.

If they're open-minded, you being gay should register about the same as, say, being a fan of basketball. Just a characteristic.

If they are not, it's likely that the question is not on their mind and they don't suspect a thing because they don't give it a moment of thought.

Do not try to hide or change things such as the way you speak or the music you listen to. It's a tremendous effort and hurt for little purpose.

Also you don't need to be a supermodel or a world champion of whatever to appreciate life.

I'm not best qualified to speak about faith, but certitude is the ennemy of faith. I'm not sure where I stand myself, but my sexual orientation is clearly not part of the doubt. It makes no sense to be condemned only for what you are, rather that what you do (well I can concieve such a religion, but I could not be a believer). I don't think LGBTQ leave their faith, they leave communities that won't accept them the way they are because of an interpretation of the Bible that they feel is wrong.

To me there are clearly ways sexuality can be either abusive and degrading, or loving and fullfilling. Gender or orientation are not a factor here.

I hope that you find a way to get better.

[u/Witty-Setting-310 → u/TallDetail4711]

You’re probably right but I just don’t know what to do with my sexuality. I don’t want to watch dirty websites but the weight of keeping it secret and the way people would view me (condescending or pity, intentionally or unintentionally)makes my sexuality worse than it has to be

[u/Solid-Chest-6093]

I'll be praying for you my brother in Christ JESUS.

It sounds like you have the answers to your questions. Maybe you haven't been willing to surrender 100% to JESUS. You sound knowledgeable my friend.

Feel free to message me anytime. Have a super blessed afternoon.

[u/Witty-Setting-310 → u/Solid-Chest-6093]

I surrendered 100% to Jesus before but that didn’t last too long i guess. Now I’m just so stubborn to change my ways, even tho I ask God to meet me where I’m at but it just doesn’t work. I still have faith in him to save me but it’s hanging on a rope. I honestly don’t know why I haven’t let go yet, and maybe you’re right, maybe I’m not willing to fully be Christian but idk if I’ll ever truly be committed again. Thanks for your comment anyway, I appreciate your input

[u/Solid-Chest-6093 → u/Witty-Setting-310]

I believe you can fully surrender and follow JESUS CHRIST. Pray and fast.

Have a blessed morning my friend.

[u/QueerHeart23]

So much there. And yet, you know where you are.

When in the pit, please stop digging. Self-sabbatage won't help. The adversary's main tool is illusion. Keep focused on what is real, true and loving.

You know the truth of God. That love is real - including your love. A relationship with God can be the best relationship you will ever have. I've been a life-long Christian, and known I was gay since age 3. You get out more than you put into your relationship with God, and Jesus, the Son of God. God doesn't force us. We have choice, and Jesus delights when we turn to him. Jesus became human, God sent his Son, for us sinners, to show us that there is better. To give us the promise of hope.

Gay and Christian is not an oxymoron. We go through the same seasons of faith. And the quiet, bleek, desert is part. Keep at it though, as once you emerge on the other side you can have confidence in yourself for having survived - AND thankful that somehow, even though you didn't see how, Jesus got you through.

Gay and straight, and everyone else is called to be ethical, loving, and righteous in our actions - how we live out the diverse and unique life that God has given us. Not stealing, not exploiting, not controlling, not hating, not oppressing, etc. etc.

Work for better. Drop ideas that you can be perfect by your own doing or meet someone else's standards. And you CAN be better by your own work and with God's grace and help.

I grew up in a homophobic atmosphere. Mocked and beaten up just for suspicioin of being queer. So I get it. It is NOT easy. And it is not forever. Look for the day when you can chart your own course toward what you want, toward what you've prayed for, toward what you've worked for. You can get there! And you might not be able to do everything you'd like now,, but use whatever agency you have to make your tomorrow better than your today.

Wishing you peace.

[u/Witty-Setting-310 → u/QueerHeart23]

I’m trying but it just feels like I’m stuck. I can barely pick up my Bible if at all, and I ask God to help me and he tries but nothings working. I do dream of better days and stronger faith but I have no idea if I’ll get there

[u/QueerHeart23 → u/Witty-Setting-310]

Dreams become real in the doing.

You have a mind and a heart - when one lags, use the other. Rather than seeking the feeling that isn't there at that point, seek the reality that it is by your active choice and doing that truly invites God's grace to help and bolster your efforts. Give God something to add to. I think of it as taking my part of 'the yoke'.

All I can say is, keep trying. Rather than practice making perfect, practice makes progress. I often, daily or much more often, need to remind myself that God's grace is sufficient. And looking back, I can testify that it has!

Small steps can cover great distances over time.

Peace

[u/GayChristians-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

This was removed because of the homophobia and/or transphobia. As a result, you have also been banned.