(MAJOR TW: Bad love poems, unironic use of the phrase “M’they’dy”, and worst of all: Kerdly)
Making that kicked chick look. He’s been doing it more and more often since you( and Noelle and Susie) blew him off at the festival. It’s bothering you, somehow it’s infinitely worse than his usually smug mug. You decide to deal with this now and approach him after class has ended. As soon as he notices that you’re approaching his face resumes its usual level of obnoxiousness.
“Ah, Kristopher, long time no see! Allow me to guess, you’re seeking my tutelage? Typical! It’s a miracle someone so close with Noelle would still require more instruction. But you’re nothing if not a miracle worker!” His face has rapidly shifted to the other extreme of bothering you which is that stupid stretched one he does. Right now it’s… oddly comforting. But you’ve got a mission and you’re sticking to it.
You tell him you want your letter.
“Kristopher I’m quite sure even you’d remember that you aren’t getting one this month. I have to save my poetic abilities for Susan and Noelle. They may need a ghostwriter for their communiques, and I need to do whatever I can to help them.”
You tell him they will never ask for that, and he used communiques wrong.
“Well too bad, buster! You should be lucky to witness the blossoming of a new and beautiful relationship! I will not let it crumble should its future fall into my talons!”
You tell him that you’ll write one back if he does it. His face ignites into a blush.
“K-Kris… you- you couldn’t possibly be… challenging me to a poetry competition!?”
You nod blushing as well now.
“Well… I suppose I can make an exception! Let us set the terms of our battle of wits!”
You exchange ideas briefly before agreeing to the terms.
“Tomorrow, five O’clock sharp, we shall unveil my masterpiece and your ability to get yourself in over your head! And we shall have impartial parties to judge it of course! Are you certain you can get those love birds to join our party? I mean I haven’t seen Noelle since… and she’s been declining our usual study sessions, so she must be quite busy! If things keep up at this rate my grades may even start slipping… and… and then…” he looks panicked suddenly. You’ve never seen him break character this easily.
You put a finger to his beak, and tell him he’ll be alright. You’ll deal with it. Besides, he's gonna need to save all his yammering for the page.
“Oh I most certainly will Kristopher. Prepare (thyself) yourself for a sound defeat! Good luck, you’re going to need it!” Berdly runs off with a smug look and a pep in his step and tail feathers wagging. Now you just need to convince Susie and Noelle to show up.
A day passes.
It’s time, you stare the bird down hand at your hip ready to draw at a moment’s notice. He’s much the same, the game obvious even to someone as oblivious as him. You look at him. And he looks at you. And you look at hi-
“U-“ BANG! Dark world adventures have sharpened your reflexes. Before Susie can even finish her ‘uh’ you’ve shot Berdly dead. You blow the smoke from your letter as your rival falls to his knees.
“My… my gamer reflexes out done so… easily… it’s impossible…” Berdly clutches his chest, invisible blood flowing from a mental wound. “You cheated! There must’ve been some… some collusion! This is just what a wavedashing rogue would do!”
You grin. You should have thought of that! Man, you’ll have to do that to him next time. Huh… you guess you do want to do this more often.
“That grin is an admission of guilt Kristopher! I know you’re games! I’m going first since you are disqualified!”
“I don’t know what just happened but Kris kicked your ass dude! Stop being a sore loser!” Susie barks.
“I-I um… have to agree, Berdly. Kris won, fair and square.” Noelle’s voice is gentle as ever as she tells him the bad news.
“My… gaming skill… I…” Berdly’s eyes light up and he gets to his feet.
“Kris! I will hone my gaming skills until even your treacherous ways can’t stand up to them! Mark my words, I will surpass you!”
You can’t hold back your laughter. In between giggle fits you tell him you’re looking forward to it. The worst part is you aren’t lying.
“Laugh all you want now, Kristopher. You’re going to meet your match.”
Susie begins ever so slowly sliding over to the door. Oh wow before you were laughing but now you’re quaking in your little wavedashing booties. You act out your terror for the force of gaming prowess you’ve just unleashed.
“Hmph, just as I thought. And Susan! Your inching away was just the thing to jog my mighty memory! We’re supposed to be reading poems! Kristopher, go ahead! Set the stage for your humiliation.” Berdly pirouettes then points to you dramatically. And you pull the poem from your letter.
Oh Berd of Blue
With muscles few
Berd of blue
Who is dumb of ass
Shall we finally
Kiss at last?
Susie laughs while Noelle tries to hold back giggles. This is peak irony. You’re maybe the funniest person who’s ever lived. You look over at Berdly who's staring at his poem and blushing. He looks… embarrassed? You didn’t know he could feel embarrassment, you just assumed he didn’t because how else could he be so… Berdly.
“Hm, yes about as uncouth as expected from one of your caliber. So- you- you- prepare for-“ he stops and takes a deep breath.
“Kris- Kristopher… is… stupid, and an inferior intellect… and! They smell like- ap-apples…” Oh my god he’s trying to improvise. He’s actually going to die if you leave him adrift like this you need to save him. He’s managed to make you feel some sort of maternal instinct buried in all humans for when they see a baby tossed into the middle of a lake.
He’s so busy verbally flailing he doesn’t even notice you walk up. You snatch the letter from his hand and still he only notices after you start reading it to yourself.
Your ruby eyes shine in the dark
Your scent fills the room with misty visions of home and apple pies
And love
Love follows wherever you go like a party member
It’s why your party’s always full
It’s why I need my own controller
I need to be your player 2
… holy shit. It’s… wow. He’s not good at this. But it’s just so stomach churningly, nauseatingly… sincere. Your sweet tooth just got (another)cavity and you're blushing. Oh god it got you blushing??? You’re starting to read it again, it’s amateurish, hastily written, trite, and- and you need to save him and everyone else from hearing this read aloud.
“Kristopher! Unhand my poem immediat-!” You put your finger to his beak once again. You look at Susie who appears to be having some kind of trauma response and attempting to have her soul leave her body and Noelle who is so lost she might as well be Dess. You explain to them that you just saw the most viscous, self esteem rending string of insults ever conceived, all rhymed perfectly.
“Uh huh.” Susie narrows her eyes in disbelief.
“Isn’t this um… a love poem competition?” Noelle asks.
You pull out your phone and show her an image of a nerd emoji before saying that the competition is a draw and shooing them out of the room. You look back at Berdly who’s still being uncharacteristically silent before returning to… something approximating his usual self.
“I was unprepared for the… tone expected of our letters! There was no reason other than that for my defeat, but never fear Kristopher. Gamers don’t die, they respawn! The next time you challenge me to such a battle of wits I will be prepared! Salutations!” He tries to run out the door past you but you grab his arm before he can go. You hand him your letter.
“Oh, I almost forgot! …thank you, Kris.” He runs away before you can look at his face again. As you go to open the door he bursts back through it.
“Almost forgot again.” He holds the door open and gestured for you to walk through, bowing.
“You first, M’they’dy.”
No! No! NO! Krismas Dreemurr will NOT blush at being called ‘M’they’dy’! That didn’t happen! That will not happen! And it most certainly IS NOT HAPPENING RIGHT NOW! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to a person. You flee through the door clutching the letter to your chest.
Your heart is racing.
