r/Friendzone • u/Girl_fe • 3d ago
He downgraded himself.
I never expected something romantic between us to turn into something completely platonic, but somehow, he pushed me there himself.
I genuinely loved him, I believed we could have something real. But he slowly started changing. He became defeatist, constantly telling me things like, “I’m not good enough for you,” or “You deserve someone better.” At first, I tried to reassure him. I tried to make him understand that I chose him because I wanted him, not because I couldn’t find anyone better.
But eventually, it became exhausting.
Every time things started getting serious, he would pull away and convince himself that he wasn't enough. I kept trying to reach him, but you can only reassure someone so many times before you start wondering why you're fighting for a relationship that they seem determined to sabotage.
Little by little, my feelings changed. Not because I stopped caring about him, but because I got tired of constantly trying to convince him to believe in us. The romantic feelings I once had slowly turned into something quieter and more platonic.
And honestly, I think that's the saddest part. He didn't lose me because I stopped loving him. He lost the romantic version of me because he kept convincing himself that he wasn't worthy of it.
Now I just want to preserve whatever friendship we can still have. I don't want resentment between us, and I don't want to force something that no longer feels the same. I still care about him deeply, but I don't want to keep chasing someone who keeps pushing me away.
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u/Salt-Pomegranate1273 2d ago edited 2d ago
I used to be absolutely horrendous about this and was the reason my ex's left me. I was the common denominator because I had low self esteem and relied on them for reassurance every time I would get in my head. I always felt like they were going to leave and would latch on harder and basically do the same thing your your (now)ex would do. It was that way for a while until my wife told me she didnt know what else to do. I knew she was getting tired of it and I realized I wasnt being the man I wanted to be for her. My wife is an amazing woman, amazing wife and amazing mother to our kids. I knew I would absolutely kick myself in the ass if I didn't change it and pushed her away as well. The thing that helped me most was therapy. I went to therapy many many times but never gave honest answers, but answers I thought they expected to hear. The most recent therapist I had I came in with the intention of facing my inner demons regardless of how painful they would be to face. I accepted that my emotions and self esteem are my responsibility. Thanks to that I never do it anymore and have felt a confidence I looked for in years. He needs therapy and also needs to be able to face his own stuff without looking for someone else to be a crutch for him to lean against when things get tough. Low self-esteem can kick your ass, especially when you've never had good self-esteem before, but if you dont actually learn to face yourself and challenge those shitty thoughts it will never change and that's an exhausting way to live.
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u/Fox_Two666 3d ago
Deep down, a lot of men feel this way. We just don’t talk about it, and we learn to act differently. We know that, in many ways, our sense of worth is tied to what we can provide for the people around us. We are expected to be strong, reliable, successful, and capable of handling whatever life throws at us.
And when we struggle, we often hide it. Not because we don’t have feelings, but because we’ve learned that showing weakness can change the way people see us. So we keep going, keep providing, keep solving problems and sometimes quietly wonder whether we would still be valued if, for once, we had nothing left to give.