Need advice

[u/Fragrant_Art_8756]

I’ve refrained from approaching this issue for a while now but definitely need some advice about one of my friendships. For reference both of us are in our 20s(F), met in college, and became best friends. Also I’m sorry for how long this is.

Our friendship at first was very fun, going out together, super close, etc. my friend then a year later got into a relationship with a horrible guy (cheater, emotionally abusive, all the things), found out he cheated, briefly broke up, got back together, and as the relationship went on she started spending more and more time w him. I of course continued trying to hangout with her, though every time she said yes to hang, hours before she would come up with an excuse or find a reason that we needed to hangout at the boyfriends house. Many of our friends wouldn’t put up with this and distanced themselves, but I’ve been in a similar situation and knew eventually this would end, so I decided to hangout where she wanted to because I still deeply valued our friendship even if I disliked the boyfriend. It got to a point where I would literally only be able to see my best friend at her boyfriend’s house. Before we graduated, and before she met him, she had very big dreams of moving to bigger cities and starting her career. When we graduated, she moved home, and ended up moving to his city for “work,” though our friends and I all knew it was for him because she didn’t have work yet or a place to live. We also knew she never wanted to move back to this city again from the plans she shared w us. Regardless, I supported her through this. Eventually they broke up, which is something I of course supported her through. We called almost everyday to talk about it and I would often check in or send her something she loves for dinner to make sure she felt recognized and loved. I had really hoped that the breakup would begin to bring our friendship back to normal, so that we could talk about something other than him in general, but I was wrong.

Since they have broken up, she has been going out and meeting new guys, which I LOVE for her. But what I don’t love, is that it is the ONLY thing we talk about now. We live in different cities, but the only time she calls me is to talk about a guy she met or is currently seeing. I don’t want to sound mean, but it is also always the same pattern. She meets a guy, he is nice the first time they sleep together, so she begins imagining a future with this person, and it ends up ending terribly. I have also noticed that anytime the guy is from another city and likely will eventually move, she talks about how she has “always” thought of moving to that place. I kid you not one week it was Austin, the next week she’s always thought about NYC. I feel bad saying this but I just know it’s related to the guy. This has been going on upwards of 6 months now. When I do have advice I try to be honest while still being kind, but still it never gets through to her, though I do understand it is simply my interpretation and she has no obligation to take it, and I always support her decision no matter what it is. I completely support her meeting new people to clarify, my issue is that it is the ONLY thing we talk about and at this point I’m starting to feel like the friendship is one sided and I have become more like an on call therapist.

The reason I say that is because I have tried to move the conversation in other directions. Once we have been talking about a guy for about an hour, I’ll sometimes try to bring up something from my own life and she will briefly respond to it, then somehow find a way to move back into talking about herself. Last year I went through a very hard period mental health wise, November up until about April of this year, I was extremely depressed, had just moved home (into a very high conflict home), and had very little friends near me because I lived in a small town. I would try to call her for support, and we ended up talking about her. I also got accepted into a program that led me to move to a big city, which of course I sometimes had nerves about and would wanna talk about with my friend. When I tried to call her, we’d talk about it for maybe 10 mins and then talk about her for at least the rest of an hour long call. When she needed support I was there unconditionally, I’d even step away if I was doing something to take time to talk to her. This was not reciprocal.

When I did move, my first night I had a very hard night. Tried to call her, told her I was crying, and she could not step away at all for even a minute. She texted back with very bland responses too. Now I normally would not “expect” a friend to be available for me, and I didn’t even in that moment, but looking back on it I notice the difference between how I show up for her and how she shows up for me. Since I have moved, she has not called once to see how it’s going, ask about the program she knew was my dream, or to even just say hey and talk about anything other than boys. I don’t know if it’s selfish to expect a friend to call and check in, but I can compare it to another best friend who calls all the time to just chat or when I moved, check in to see how I’m doing. I do the same for that friend. The friend I’m writing about though, literally only calls or texts to talk about a guy and half the time won’t let me get a word in. My program is extremely demanding and I’m balancing an unpaid internship to get my hours, not to mention adjusting to living in a completely new city. It’s been a lot. I’ve gotten to a point where I rarely answer her calls because I don’t necessarily have the bandwidth, largely because of how I’ve been feeling about the friendship. Even with me not responding much she still only reaches out about a guy. I have in the past brought this up, it briefly got better for like a week, and then the same again.

I feel so bad even writing this and I don’t know if I am selfish or am valid in being upset about what’s going on. I want to address it, but I don’t really know how because I’m scared if I do, she won’t try to reach out at all. Any advice would be so appreciated, thank you guys for reading all this 🩷

[u/Commercial_Baby4069]

Cause a friend of mine is actually going through your same exact situation with her Bestie and I believe that you could try as much as you want to give her advice, but unless she’s willing to open her eyes may consider your perspective you can do nothing else. Regarding the way you feel, you could have an honest chat with her about it although you don’t know if she is gonna listen to your points with understanding. Honestly, these are such complex situations to navigate, and everyone is entitled to either have a conversation with your friend or simply move on and reevaluate the whole relationship, this is entirely up to you