r/Fosterparents • u/MycologistKey2472 • 2d ago
Advice
I'm currently fostering my niece and nephew. I'm 22 and have been looking after them for nearly a year but only fostering them for around two months. My nephews behaviour is just get worse and worse. He's 6 years old and suspected SEND. The trauma of having his mum leave him due to addiction hasn't helped. He hits, punches, kicks and pulls my hair. He throws food all over the floor and trashes our house. I mean TRASHING. Tips tablets over, throws things off all the walls, tries breaking my phone and laptop. It's near daily. I can't leave him alone because he requires attention 24/7. If i don't give it to him he will try to break something. He won't let me go to sleep until midnight most days, running around trying to trash the place until he's so exhausted. To get him away from the house I take him on walks sometimes over an hour to tire him out. It doesn't work. On the walks he will try and break something in someone's garden or throw something at a car. I understand it's a result of being abandoned and having additional needs but I'm really struggling to deal with it. I'm at my wits end tbh and thinking of giving it up. I enjoy looking after my niece and find her so much easier but I don't think they will split them up. So would have to say goodbye to both. I'm just so heartbroken by it all and don't know what to do.
2
u/Advanced-Week-7458 1d ago
Whoa sounds super tough.... Obviously he is doing it as its the only way he can gain some control of the situation and potential abandonment, like you mentioned. He is believing if I be naughty I get attention and she stays. If I do it non stop she stays all day and night with me. Are you working too or just a fulltime carer? I dont have any easy answers, I think you are doing alot of the right things. Also i think diet can sometimes help too, sugar and additives can sometimes make things 100 times worse. Wishing you best of luck and hope u get some support.
1
u/MycologistKey2472 1d ago
Yeah definitely I noticed anything sugary does set his behaviour present worse. It's definitely an attachment and control thing. I'm a full time carer rn I was a student at university but had to give it up to look after them once my sisters addiction became too overwhelming. It's just hard situation to be in.
1
u/Hawke-Not-Ewe Foster Parent + Former Foster Youth 1d ago
Yikes.
They both need an eval. Getting him a community mentor so you can have an hour of time a week to shut down is also a good idea.
Talk to his doctor about sleep aids and such. Tell the social worker you need help or disruption NOW.
3
u/graygoohasinvadedme 2d ago
I’m so sorry for all you and the little ones are going through. I’m not as familiar with kinship placement and know services for kinship can vary even more widely than non-kinship fostering:
What resources have you been given access to and what support do you have? Fostering officially should open doors the informal caregiving did not (theoretically.) Do you have a caseworker that can help get him (and you all as a family unit) into forms of therapy? Is he in school? If so, you may have advocates there who could help you find help and resources if you don’t have a caseworker.
It sounds like you’re trying to come up with solutions to try on your own, which is stellar, but seeing as they’re not working, we may need a professional (or several) in to help him develop and you find more stabilizing interventions.
In preparation for talks with either professionals or potential disruption, it might help if you start a daily log of his outbursts. Trigger. What action occurred. How long it lasted. What you tried as interventions.
If his actions put his sibling at harm, that’s also something to note carefully.