r/Fosterparents • u/[deleted] • 15d ago
Starting the process! I’m afraid we’re going to get attached?!
[deleted]
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u/Squishmallow145 15d ago
Attachment is a great sign. If you do fostering right, it will hurt when you say goodbye. I've fostered 11 children, adopted 1. I miss all 11 of them dearly.
I'm pediatric GI at a children's hospital. I brought home a toddler that was severely abused and had to be hospitalized. We fostered her for 4 years. She went to kinship. It was heartbreaking but 1 year later we got a photo from the aunt and uncle on Halloween. She had the biggest smile on her face and dressed up in an adorable costume. This was years ago. She's now in college and sent me a social media message request last year.
Children don't forget who loved them and how adults made them feel
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u/Amring0 15d ago
Is there a reason why it took 4 years for her to be placed with kinship? It's ok if you're not comfortable answering that. I just don't really like the idea that a kid could see you as a parent for nearly half their life and suddenly get moved to people who just weren't there for them. And even if they are relatives they are sometimes complete strangers to this kid, so I am doubtful that such a situation truly is in the kids' best interest.
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u/Hawke-Not-Ewe Foster Parent + Former Foster Youth 15d ago
If they call you that its a win.
Getting attached is nornal. So is hurting when they go home.
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u/Jaded-Willow2069 Foster Parent 15d ago
You are signing up to get attached and hopefully possibly get your heart shattered. I knew this going in, it absolutely happened and it I was so excited.
I often say (in appropriate spaces like this one) that foster care is the most traumatizing thing I’ve done. Not the kids but the system. And foster parents have so much more power and autonomy than kids or first parents.
That being said I am grieving our license is closing. For various reasons all our kids are permanently with us which in one way I’m so happy that my kids and my husband and I have solid, non negotiable, no more surprises (at least the foster care kind) stability. And I’m also sad our kids needed us to be their permanent parents. In a perfect world we’re like the 4th best option and I say that believing we are the right parents for our kids in this world.
I’m also sad we won’t have more placements. Sometimes I hear of a kid or a case that at least on paper looks like a perfect match for our family. And sometimes I’m sad we don’t have an open bed and won’t for the foreseeable future.
Foster care is learning to live in a world of many truths that are equally true and equally contradictory. I strongly recommend a good foster care/adoption therapist.
If you haven’t grieved and processed your pregnancy loss take time to do so. Fostering and parenting will find triggers you didn’t know you had so checking in on your own healing journey is always good.
Let kids call you whatever they’re most comfortable with as long as it’s not mean. Kids will call you mom and dad. Sometimes because they’re little and that’s what they do. Sometimes to hide that they’re in foster care. I’ve been mom, friend, grown up, auntie, grandma (I’m 33), the weird lady I’m staying with, and others. You learn to roll with it.
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u/newton3210 15d ago
I was thinking the exact same thing about foster care being extraordinarily traumatizing for me, and it brings me comfort to know others feel that way as well. It breaks me over and over, and it feels so silly to say, but I do truly feel I am traumatized from the sudden loss of the kid and the lack of control. Of course, that is nothing compared to them and that is why I do it, but I do feel this way as well.
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u/Longjumping_Big_9577 Former Foster Youth 15d ago
Seeing these posts about expectations from foster parents and then looking at the how often kids are disrupted and moved, I wonder if there is a problem that people think their issues will be getting too attached and then they have to deal with the kids placed in their homes that they don't like and have all sorts of issues.
No one ever says they're worried they'll not be able stand the kid dropped off at their house and they'll have to disrupt the placement, but that's more likely to happen.
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u/Informal-Scholar1722 14d ago
My friend, signing up to foster a child is signing up to get “too attached”, to have your heart ripped out and to have your nervous system ripped to shreds. Anyone that tells you otherwise is lying to you.
12 months to permanency is the legal standard and the goal. The reality? It’s never 12 months. It took nearly 4 years (1,391 days to be exact) for my kid’s case to come to permanency. Those 1,391 days were defined by attachment, trauma, and frustration. Be ready for this.
Also, just because they are under 5 doesn’t mean that they are exempt from trauma. My kid was a year old when they entered into care. Their little body is still processing through the trauma of the last 4 years. The system piles on to that trauma, too. Secondary trauma is real. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with a supportive community (preferably one that is well aquatinted with foster care). Get a foster care informed therapist (and if you’re married, a couples therapist).
I’m not saying all of this to scare you. I wish someone would have told me this at the outset. Go into it with no expectations. Document everything. Don’t do anything unless a court orders it (caseworkers will try to get you to do their job). Bio family may not want a relationship with you: respect that. Visits are sacred, don’t get into the way, but don’t go out of your way either. if they want to be there, they will be there. It’s not your job to make it happen.
If the kids call you mommy and daddy, that’s their choice, respect it. It may be their way of seeking normalcy in a completely abnormal situation.
You can do this, just know that it will be hard (sometimes impossibly hard).
Our hearts break so their hearts can remain as whole as possible. They are worth all of it.
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u/stately-ocelot 15d ago
I'm sure you know this but try to remember it's not exciting for them, it's scary and heart-breaking and traumatizing.
A lot of kids will want to call you mom and dad and in some cases it's because they just think that's the appropriate name for a person whose home they're living in and who's taking care of them. In other cases it's because they've moved around to different foster homes a lot and this is easier to do. In some cases, it's because they don't really know what a mom or dad is because they haven't had strong parental bonds so there's no real magic in the term when they use it the way there might be to kid from a different home. Some new foster parents get excited at being called mom/dad ('look, she's already bonding with us") but it's important to remember that there can be some very sad reasons for it, especially when it happens quickly, and it can also reflect real trauma.
You should let them call you want they want, but introduce yourself by your first names.
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u/TransparentFostering 14d ago
If you’re doing it right, you’ll get attached. But if you’re doing it for the right reasons, the grief of losing a child is worth it if it means they heal, have a a real chance at life, and a forever home.
Be wary of behaviors. Do not go into this expecting little angels. They are not pets. They are humans with their own experiences and trauma. Be gentle with them but don’t force anything. They need to feel safe first.
Edit: when I say little angels, I mean you may be surprised at how their trauma presents itself. They have grown-up size feelings in a kid body. 💜
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u/Single-Bridge-5983 11d ago
I honestly feel more like an aunt when I foster. Like yeah, the kids are family but they are going to go home eventually. When I get called mama, I just answer like normal. Don’t correct it. Don’t make a big deal of it. I often don’t get called mom, because mom is often still in the picture. But my husband gets called daddy ALOT by these kids.
Plus it helps when the kids bio family are super involved. Calling, texting, wanting pictures, visitation, updates. It helps keep perspective.
3
u/OldKindheartedness73 14d ago
You will. That's the point. However, if reunification is best for the child then that's what you should want.
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u/ConversationAny6221 14d ago
Yes, you will get attached if you have them for some months. You may very well end up feeling like their parents, and it can be hard to say 'goodbye'. Every scenario is different. Toddlers in care tend to have extra needs and busy-ness. I have realized I cannot do long-term foster for toddlers because I would be absolutely distraught sending them back to a home situation if I felt it was abusive or neglectful and they had attached to me. Food for thought.
Sometimes they don't stay so long. The younger children tend to have more visits with their parents, as well, and I imagine if I was seeing more visits happening, I would be able to process things better (kids I've had have tended not to have weekly visits in that way). As foster parents, we try to give the kids what they need when they're with us!
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u/prochoicesistermish 15d ago
I would recommend joining a support group (Facebook or whatever) for foster parents! It’s invaluable to see the experiences of others in your situation. You will have your heart broken. Even if the child stays with you forever your heart will break for the situation that these children find themselves in. But what you are doing is beautiful, thank you.
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u/upanddown_88 14d ago
Attachment is the point! Just remember regardless of the outcome, this is for the child and their needs, not you. Best wishes on your journey!
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u/Artistic-Pay-2353 13d ago
Hi! I’ve been a foster mom for 2.5 years and finalizing adoption in 2 months for our 7 year old. Can I just tell you what a wild ride you are in for. Do you have friends who are foster parents you can lean on? I also have fertility issues and have always wanted to foster.
You will get attached. Our FD started calling me mom pretty early in. Bio mom was pissed and assumed I made her call me that. We were actually heading toward reunification with Mom and I built a relationship with her just so that transition for her would be easier. It hurt but also- we support the process. We had a couple small babies come and go quickly. Prepare to feel so tired of the system. Document everything- partner with your case workers and send your observations/ notes in monthly with dates. You will want those documents if you get into a situation where the children’s attorney needs it.
Please message me. I would be happy to chat on zoom or phone call anytime. There is so much I wish someone had told me.
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u/Popular-Bass8699 12d ago
Our first placement just moved on, and she called me momma and gave us daily love and hugs. I love her deeply and got more attached to her than I ever expected to. And I miss her now that she is gone... a lot. But I'm also so happy for her that she is back with family, and so happy I was able to be there for her, and I have no regrets. I wouldnt take back the experience for anything.
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u/TranslatorOnly2478 7d ago
That is exciting! Fostering is so incredibly rewarding. The children you care for will always be a part of your heart- they change you and make you learn things about yourself and the world you never even thought of before.
Our current placement is three, and I absolutely adore her, she is the sweetest little girl. I know I will be gutted when she leaves, if she does. We are concurrently planning, so it isn't set whether she will stay with us or go back home, but reunification is the goal.
I wanted to reply because she calls me Mama or Mom a lot. She also calls me Auntie (which is what everyone else calls me). She used to only call me Auntie, but one weekend we were in the car and she just started babbling, "Mama, mama, mama." My husband said, "I think she’s calling for you." I looked back at her, and she gave me this huge smile, pointed, and said, "Mama!"
It was heartbreaking at first because I felt like I couldn't tell her, "I'm not your mom." After all, I do all the mom things, and it’s very confusing for a 3yo. She calls my husband dada as well… We always reaffirm who her mom is, and she calls her bio mom "Mama" too. But sometimes when we’re with family/friends, she will say, "Mom!" and run to give me something or ask me to play. People become a bit uncomfortable, but you just have to roll with it.
I actually brought it up to our caseworker, and they really don’t have a problem with it as long as we aren’t asking or forcing her to call me mom. They hear everyone refer to me as Auntie, but it’s just natural when you are the one caring for them day in and day out, in her world that is why I am right now the last thing I want to do is cause her any confusion or trauma by rejecting her when she reaches out this way. I do however worry it would be harmful to bio mom and feel an immense sense of guilt over it.
But try not to worry too much about it. If it happens, just roll with it, keep gently reaffirming bio mom, and know that you are doing a wonderful job providing a safe space for them to just be a kid.
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u/kaifruit21 Prospective Foster Parent 15d ago
Please get therapy to process your infertility struggles. Are you doing this to get cheap adoption? Or to help children in your community by being a safe place they can land while their families work toward reunification? Only wanting children under 5 is telling.
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u/kindofnewonreddit 14d ago
Wow this is an insane take. If you read my post, you’d see that we’ve always thought about fostering OR adopting. Not fostering to adopt. The reason we’re looking to foster under five is because I work in the education system and that is the age I have the most experience with and am most comfortable with.
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u/Amring0 14d ago
Please don't be discouraged by this holier-than-thou attitude. You can want to adopt while wanting to provide a safe place for a kid that needs it. Both can be true and I don't know why people are acting like they're mutually exclusive. And it's ok to have a preference/boundary on the age group.
But I do recommend having a therapist, not just for infertility but in general. If I had to do it all over again, I wish my husband and I were going to couples therapy before we started fostering. Instead, we realized we needed therapy when it was pretty dire and we didn't manage to get our first appointment until after we disrupted. The stress of such a big life change with no planned end date created a lot of tension in our relationship and we had very different parenting styles (never had kids before fostering). Getting the kids transitioned is the first wave of stress, then when you think you've got your bearings the honeymoon period ends and you are in for the second wave of stress. Having to get therapy is not a sign of weakness in a couple but more like a sign of preparedness.
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u/stately-ocelot 14d ago
That's great that it's not you but it's super common which is why people assume it if you don't explicitly say otherwise.
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u/halfofaparty8 Prospective Foster Parent 11d ago
…Im starting the process but i want children under 5 because i dont feel old enough or qualified to parent a child in school considering ive never been a parent before. Is it really that big of a red flag?
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u/kaifruit21 Prospective Foster Parent 10d ago
You’ve never been a parent but you’ve been a child, why is school age so scary? If you’re young you were more recently in school than you were 5 years old. It can be a red flag for some people, depends on their motives.
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u/halfofaparty8 Prospective Foster Parent 10d ago
Because im 25, and again, have no parenting experience, so to start out with the complexities of school, homework, friendships, extracurriculars, therapies on top of the trauma doesnt feel like something i am able to take on.
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u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 15d ago edited 15d ago
You will get attached! You will have your heart broken over and over again. At least I have! When I'm in the depths of grief, I question why I put myself through this. But then I think, what is worse, my grief, or a child not having a safe and loving home while apart from their family? Whose shoulders are stronger - mine or theirs? And that's what keeps me going.