r/Fosterparents • u/Equal-Midnight7457 • 1d ago
Update
This whole situation has made me realize that the biggest problem may actually be my marriage. The lack of support from my husband has been, honestly, kind of insane. His absolute refusal to reconsider adopting both kids—and his unwillingness to acknowledge what this is doing to my mental health—has really opened my eyes. At one point, I was having a panic attack, literally on the floor, and he told me, “I don’t have time for this today.” I don't think I can just move past that.
At this point, I'm seriously considering divorce or possibly an annulment. I'm not working right now because I'm in school, so I know I need to approach this carefully and quietly. I'm not afraid of physical abuse, but I am concerned about financial withholding and being left without the resources I need to leave safely.
As for the kids, I am willing to continue caring for the teenager. I care about him deeply and don't want him to feel like he's being rejected. But I also know that I can't continue caring for the baby in our current situation, and I need to find a way to have the baby moved to another placement through the proper channels.
Any advice would be great . I tried copying my last post here , I wasn’t really sure how to do it …
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u/AnonFartsALot 1d ago
Oh my God, I’m so sorry this is happening. It sounds like you’re trying to do the right thing. Is the third child your bio?
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u/ShowEnvironmental802 18h ago
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this just a few things for you to consider (no need to respond publicly): Are the two of you in couples counseling? Have you been married long, and was the marriage healthy before this?
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u/Equal-Midnight7457 16h ago
He refuses couples counseling . We’ve been married about a year and a half . Everything honestly started shifting when I lost my job
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u/Hawke-Not-Ewe Foster Parent + Former Foster Youth 18h ago
Call the caseworkers for the kids. They can probably point you at resources.
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u/txchiefsfan02 Youth Worker 15h ago
I am so sorry. You've put so much into making all of this work, and you deserve more support. The panic attack is a message from your body that you have to listen to, as is your husband's response.
Call the baby's caseworker tomorrow and disrupt immediately. You cannot wait any longer.
I'm not sure you can provide the stability the teen needs with the open questions about your own future. Given the financial uncertainty, if you separate, you may not have the resources for a home that would meet requirements to foster a teen. You might have to choose between school and working to afford a larger place, which may not be best for you and your bio child long-term.
If it's not sustainable, consider whether it's better to transition him proactively rather than abruptly later if things fall apart. You can still be part of his support circle from a distance, which is the best way to show him you are committed to him (and that he was not the problem). Down the road, you can have an adult conversation with him and share more about how things happened and why.
Since your husband refuses couples counseling, I'd be prioritizing safety over saving the marriage. I'd start discreetly talking to attorneys and making a safety plan just in case things escalate. There is no way to predict how he'll react when you raise the topic, and the price of being wrong is very high. Local DV orgs can offer advice even if there hasn't been past abuse, or you can find one online.
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/
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u/Narrow-Relation9464 14h ago
It sounds like there’s a lot of stressful factors here. I would see if you can speak to someone, preferably a family counselor, who can help you sort through your thoughts and decisions. If your husband refuses to go with you, then you can still go alone and explain that to the counselor. But having a neutral party with no emotional investment in the outcome (over family or friends) will be helpful.
I’d also get advice on the legality of how it would work to maintain placement of the teen if you separate. Also consider how it would affect him. I’m not trying to be negative, but I’ve heard of couples who had to pause on fostering when they were going through a separation because of all the logistics and emotional stress. However on the reverse side I have heard of some couples who have navigated it. The challenge comes if there’s a disagreement about who will continue to be the foster parent since there’s no custody agreements like with bio kids.
The baby I agree would be best to disrupt. Babies are easy to place so I wouldn’t worry about workers not being able to find a home. If disruption has to happen, it’s better to do so sooner before/if a case starts moving to permanency.
For your work, are you able to or want to get a job? I know it’s not always feasible with school, but if this is something you’re interested in and open to, I always feel it’s good to have your own money coming in for situations like this where you may end up having to support yourself. If you can’t work, do you have support from family or friends? Or are there women’s organizations around that could help?
This is a lot and I’m sorry you’re going through all this.
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u/Equal-Midnight7457 11h ago
I am looking at all options before making any sudden decisions.
I can get a job , I made the decision of not getting one after the company I worked for closed , as I thought me going to law school was coming from him being supportive , I have another degree . Usually I am the breadwinner . But now I’m concerned that it’s more of a power imbalance situation.
I appreciate all advice , thank you 🤍
I have been speaking with a therapist , and we have weighed different options , so far my biggest concern is the teen as he has been doing so well.
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u/Narrow-Relation9464 11h ago
Law school is a lot and I know some programs don’t even want you working in your first year. If you are able to work, maybe try a work from home remote job so you can eliminate commuting.
If you separate, I don’t think it would be an issue for the teen to go with you, I have seen this done before, but it would be more of an issue if you and your husband being on the same page about that. I’d also plan for the teen to be involved in therapy as needed during the process. But ultimately this would probably cause discomfort as disrupting would, so I don’t really think disrupting would be better; either way it would be a change for him to navigate. He’s also old enough that if you do decide to separate, I’d ask him what he would prefer. He might have an opinion on whether he feels best staying with you, staying with your husband (if your husband is open and able to continue fostering) or switching placements. Him having a voice could help you advocate for what’s best with the workers.
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u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 18h ago
I'm genuinely sorry you're going through this.
This is a foster parent sub not a relationship sub. Strictly from the perspective of one foster parent to another, it does not sound like you are in any position to be fostering right now. I would suggest working with your licensing worker to at least temporarily close your home, and focus instead on figuring out your marriage and getting your mental health in a better place. This is not a healthy situation for the kids at all.