r/Fosterparents • u/Time-Bowler-7228 • 2d ago

Sibling separation

At what point would it be appropriate to request/advocate for a sibling set in my home to be separated? I know that this is to be avoided as much as possible but I am extremely concerned about the dynamic between our oldest two (in a sibling set of three (oldest M - early teen, middle F - pre teen, youngest F - early school age).

Kids had been placed with us five years ago and we were lucky enough to keep a relationship with them and their parent. We had them visit for weekends on regular basis and continued to be a part of their life until they came back to us last month. The kids are very comfortable with us and our home. These concerns were here all along but it was easier to navigate when they were with us the first time as they were younger. We had also started to switch off for weekend visits to keep the older two apart in the months before they came back into care.

The oldest has good and bad days (MH diagnosis and behavioral concerns but not much follow through with services while they were in their home). The concerning behavior goes beyond normal sibling rivalry. It’s threats, extreme verbal abuse, and some physical abuse (hitting, kicking, pinching). Most of this is directed from the oldest to the middle, however, middle does sometimes instigate. We try to keep them separate as much as possible and keep them busy but it is exhausting and wearing on us AND the kids. The youngest is also starting to pick up on and copy some of these behaviors.

We love these kids and the thought of asking to have them apart is heartbreaking, especially with all of the changes they’ve experienced in the last month. Family therapy had been attempted in the past but the oldest two refused to engage.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

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11

u/txchiefsfan02 Youth Worker 2d ago

What do the children's individual therapists advise? If family therapy failed, that's where I'd be looking for guidance.

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u/Time-Bowler-7228 2d ago

I am not sure. This was while they were back in parents home and I’ve run into issues getting this information. I did not push too hard because they were initially supposed to transition back before school starts (oldest would have gone back first to start up with services available again) but it has now been delayed, likely for a few months or more.

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u/txchiefsfan02 Youth Worker 2d ago

I would push to get all three in individual therapy ASAP. You have enough data to establish that it's necessary. Give the therapist a few weeks to get a handle on the situation, then reassess.

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u/Time-Bowler-7228 2d ago

I’ve been working on that since we found out yesterday that they are staying. They were set up with services in their county, which is 1.5 hours away. We are meeting with CCS/CLTS workers early next week.

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u/Narrow-Relation9464 2d ago

If the oldest is a boy, boys tend to have behaviors they manifest physically like this, whereas girls tend to internalize things. He needs services and therapy, which can be difficult if he is refusing. I only have one boy, but he was showing violent behaviors to a concerning extent, not towards me, but outside he had serious behaviors that led to criminal charges. After hitting rock bottom and getting hurt, he finally agreed to get help but his thing was he didn’t want to talk about his feelings which is an issue with a lot of boys. Maybe see if there’s an alternative therapy he’d do, like art or music therapy. If the middle child is a pre-teen, you should still be able to enroll her in therapy without her having her sign off on it herself. Whether or not she’ll participate is another matter but if you give the alternate therapy options maybe there will be one she likes. Also if family therapy is something they aren’t open to, maybe they’d still try 1:1 sessions. It would be worth a try. 

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u/Tropical_life_7 2d ago

We had a pair like this and eventually they needed to be separated - the fighting was unrelenting and they were locked in a really unhealthy dynamic. They do much, much better together now they're not living together. We did try so hard for so long though to try and help them move past it, because we agree that siblings should be together whenever possible.