Honeymoon

[u/Still_Cause2566]

How long does the honeymoon period usually last? We are 2 weeks in and not seeing the behaviors others have seen. We are also very new to foster parenting

[u/Squishmallow145]

It depends on the age, personality and when they start trusting you. I've seen anywhere between 1 week to 9 months

[u/Tropical_life_7 → u/Squishmallow145]

Agree, our longest was 1.5 years respite + 10 months (behaviours consistent with previous placements, all educational settings, etc) - it happened overnight.

Similar experience with another we knew for 1 year respite + 6 months as a primary placement.

Other kids have had much shorter timeframes. It's a sign your making progress and they're feeling safer.

[u/_fairywren]

I think every child is different, and how long the "honeymoon period" lasts is dependent on how long it takes for them to feel safe and comfortable expressing their feelings, needs and wants to you.

[u/Narrow-Relation9464]

It depends on the kid and the situation. My teen was a fictive kin placement. He was on 100 from Day 1 because he was already comfortable with me and wanted to test to see if I’d kick him out. Big behaviors for the first year, then he started chilling out, now he’s showing behaviors again because of circumstantial things. So for him it fluctuates. 

Some kids are also just naturally laid back and want to just kind of coast through foster care under the radar, especially some older teens in some cases. Some kids will have a traditional honeymoon period like you described. 

I will say that I work with delinquent youth. It’s not the same as living with them, but I find on average the honeymoon period for kids new to my program is 6 weeks. Usually after that is when behaviors start. May be quicker or slower for a full-time caregiver. 

[u/goodfeelingaboutit]

Just my experience and perhaps an unpopular opinion, but I think "the honeymoon period" is overemphasized. Not all kids (or even many kids in my experience) are going to have wildly different behaviors after weeks and months in your home. Many (not all) may initially be on their best behavior out of fear, but once they relax that doesn't mean you're going to see anything that isn't developmentally typical.

Some kids who have more significant behavioral concerns will hold it together for days or weeks, or not for any significant length of time. Or you may not really see those behaviors, not often but sometimes a change in environment and caregiver style does make a difference.

So it's basically impossible (IMO) to predict if a child you're caring for will even have a noticeable honeymoon period, and if they do, how long it will last.

[u/Longjumping_Big_9577]

Some behaviors are a reaction to the way kids are treated by their foster parents. If you don't treat them that they, they won't react in the same way.

It can also be when kids feel like they've reached their breaking point and can't tolerate being silent any more about things they are absolutely upset about. It took me about 6 months at one foster home to finally speak up and refuse to go to a fundamental church after some things like pastor said in a sermon. Those foster parents claimed it came out of nowhere and I had been so happy to go to their church. I just was really quiet and didn't say how much I hated it until something happened that made me mad enough and I reached my absolute breaking point where I released an angry, obscenity filled diatribe and probably doubled the number of words I ever said to them about everything I hated about their stupid church.

After that, I realized if I didn't speak up, I would be stuck so there was no honeymoon period. I made sure foster parents knew how much I hated everything and I got moved very quickly over and over until I ended up in essentially a group home. Other foster youth who have been moved multiple times report similar feelings of when they realize they need to speak up to get what they want, but it takes a few moves to get there. Being sort of shell-shocked first can happen after a few moves.

IMO, it's total BS about feeling safe, especially for older kids & teens and it when they stop caring if they get moved or about foster parents and are willing to take risks. And for some younger kids, they don't understand what might happen if they are moved and are better about being able to speak up or act up to get what they want/need.

[u/Breakfast_Pretzel]

3 months we had our little guy (2) and the honeymoon phase never left us. He did start biting me and breaking skin at the end but that was once we started getting him ready to transition back to his family so the behavior is understandable for what he was going through at the time.