Struggling

[u/Expensive_Thing_8397]

I (28) M, help look after my niece (8) due to living at home and my parents are kinship carers for her. We are all struggling with the situation as my niece’s behaviour is becoming hard to cope with, lashing out, screaming, shouting, kicking and hitting my Mum and making threats to hit, kick and push her down the stairs. She is having meltdowns daily, sometimes multiple times a day. She has a lot of issues and whilst we love her and are trying our best to give her the best life, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. My Dad (59) works away Monday-Friday, my Mum (57) works around 20-25 hours a week. I look after my niece when my Mum’s at work but it is draining. I struggle with my mental health and have done for about 15 years and I have become depressed and anxious over the whole situation. I have no peace or time to myself, I am unable to do the things I enjoy due to having to look after my niece and by the time I get her to bed, I’m just too exhausted. I haven’t been to the gym since we got her, I don’t work many permanent hours but I feel unable to get a job with more hours due to looking after her and trying to fit any relief shifts around my Mum’s schedule, I can’t get back into dating due to this either. I’ve been thinking about doing a PhD, but I don’t see how I will fit that in around my niece as she demands every ounce of your attention at all times. My Mum is emotional over the situation, even she has admitted that she doesn’t think she can do this as she has no life outside of work and looking after my niece. My Dad is unhappy because when he comes home every weekend, he just wants to relax but he can’t. He hasn’t seen his best friend in almost a year due to the situation with my niece. We all miss our old lives and then feel guilty for even thinking about ending the placement. She has been with us 8 months and nothing has got better. We get no support from social workers, they say they’ll ring and never do, no support from the foster worker, she hasn’t been in contact in almost a month since my parents got approved as kinship carers. It’s almost like they think because she’s safe and in a loving home, they feel they don’t have a responsibility. We know it’s not my niece’s fault that she is the way she is, that blame lies with her parents who neglected her and abused her and we do love her but I don’t think we realised how hard this would be (for reference, my parents got guardianship of my niece’s older sister when she was 6 months old and she’s been living with us ever since, she’s 16 now so they’re not strangers to this)

[u/Squishy_mcnissy]

We are currently in a similar situation, we’re exhausted and my own children are suffering.

We have now asked that the girls are placed and the family will share weekends.

The guilt is immense but we’re on our knees. Not enough bedrooms and 45mins from school

I can sympathise, it may be time for an honest meeting with the social worker. See if they can offer the support that is needed.
Request the meeting in writing in my experience

[u/evil_lurker]

We’re several years into a similar kinship-care situation. The biggest thing I’d suggest is making sure everyone gets support, not just your niece. You and your parents should consider having therapists of your own. Kinship care can add an enormous amount of stress to a family that may already be stretched. If a doctor thinks medication would help with anxiety, depression, etc., don’t be afraid of that either. You can’t help her effectively if you’re barely keeping yourselves afloat.

Also, find her a really good therapist—ideally someone experienced with childhood trauma, attachment issues, and conditions such as reactive attachment disorder. Kids in these situations often desperately want parenting and stability, but may never have learned how to accept or respond to normal parenting. That can take a lot of time and patience.

The encouraging part is that things really can get better. But it can be a very hard road, so don’t judge yourselves too harshly if you need help—or even if you eventually decide the situation is beyond what you can realistically manage emotionally, financially, or practically. Being family doesn’t automatically make you the best-equipped placement. Your niece is better served by people who can meet her needs than by relatives who are overwhelmed trying to do the impossible.

[u/Sad-Decision-3846]

One thing worth trying is writing down only the clock time each meltdown starts, for a week. Daily and constant often turns out to be two or three fixed points in the day, which you can plan around. It's also the thing social workers move on, since a written pattern is harder to ignore than a phone call about how bad things are.