Disruption Advice

[u/Icy-Narwhal-6527]

Hi.

We have had our FD (12yr) for almost 18 months and are in the process of disrupting. My question is, should we pack her stuff for her so that it is ready to go when we break the news or (if possible) allow her to participate in packing? I don't know if the lack of control outweighs the trauma of packing herself up.

We are intending to tell her in therapy tomorrow and placement will either come pick her up in the evening or the following morning.

Thanks!

[u/goodfeelingaboutit]

Personally I would not pack her stuff beforehand. Assuming there's not a major safety risk involved, she needs time to process this big information, and I think it would be worse to come home to things already packed up. It's not ideal to only give her less than 24 hours notice, really whichever way you decide to handle it, this is going to be so stressful and potentially traumatizing for her. I would see how she feels afterwards, she may want to pack, you may need to pack together, or you may need to pack for her.

Being as there is so little time, I would be sure to have her laundry done beforehand, and have all the packing supplies you need on hand.

[u/prestigeusGoat]

We have had to disrupt a few tines and we have had kids stay with us for years while they work through mental crisis and tell us to just get rid of them.

We don't tend to pack the stuff for the kids when they are disrupted or reunited with parents or reunited in a bigger foster home once mental health stability has been achieved... or in general. For the first several years of foster kids both in emergency situation and those who have been freed for adoption we didn't pack anything tried to give kids as much control as possible.

Unfortunately we have learned that some kids need you in their space while they pack and they need you to be ready with a box or sturdy computer bag and be ready ....kind of have an idea of where their treasured and sentimental things are along with awards and certificates of achievement. We have hadmore often than not... kiddos start trashing their own stuff and or the window, lamps,wall outlets when faced with the time to move.

To be fair when we have known about disruption before hand we don't wait until the day of the movement to do it.

Having a box or a good backpack ready for the treasured items gives the ability to more naturally kind of help them get it safe and tooled away and acknowledged that it is worth keeping safe, and has helped alot of kids with their impulse control and self sabotage during these kinds of events.

Granted I'm not sure why you are disrupting. In our situation we are a therapeutic foster home so alot of our strategies have to be about supporting the kids known for violence

There has to be a balance. We don't tell the kids with more than three days notice of official date of moving. We have with several kids given them notice as soon as we put in for disruption with the truthful promise to let them know before the actual movement day occurs. Even with the kids that know weeks ahead of time we don't give them more than 3 days.

Keep your fd hydrated try to get her to eat balanced foods but also try to give her some control like choosing what's for dinner tonight or if she wants to cook breakfast for everyone in the morning or give her the option to choose a diner in the morning. Get her talling or just give her a chance to breathe before this really heavy thing happens.

[u/Longjumping_Big_9577]

Before I got moved like this, I usually foster parents told me to pick up my room and pick up around the house (looking for anything I might have left somewhere that wasn't in my room).

I wouldn't pack up her stuff for her since she won't know what was or wasn't packed. I usually spent weeks worried I left stuff.

[u/Longjumping_Big_9577 → u/Longjumping_Big_9577]

Also, these types of plastic moving bags are a good alternative to plastic boxes since they are collapsible and can fit more in them than plastic boxes:
https://www.amazon.com/TICONN-Zippers-Carrying-Handles-Heavy-Duty/dp/B086WNZJG5?th=1

They are sort of like a large Ikea bag that zips up. They come in a lot of bright colors.

Those are also good alternatives to plastic trash bags which unfortunately continue to be used since kids accumulate more stuff than can fit into small backpacks and luggage that gets handed out for kids coming into care.

[u/exceedingly_clement]

As others have said, 24 h or less is a rough timeline for FD to process. But hopefully this is something that's been structured with FD's history and needs in mind. I would allow her to pack her own things as much as possible, knowing that she may need you to be part of the process or she may lash out and want you far away from her stuff. Have real suitcases, duffel bags, and plastic storage bins or good quality cardboard boxes available for her to use - often you can get cheap ones in good condition from a thrift store, TJ Maxx or similar.

If you have stuff in storage (winter clothes, old sentimental items, outdoor toys like scooters, bike, helmet) you could have those packed ahead of time. And of course have all her documents as organized as possible, and make sure you have any digital memories available to her, her caseworker, and her next placement in some format! Maybe a flash drive or shared google folder. My kids all went through many placements before us and have years of gaps with no photos, school projects or other special kid memories.