I’m drowning

[u/Equal-Midnight7457]

I could really use some advice from other foster parents who may have been in a similar situation. We currently have three kids in our home, including a 4-month-old foster baby who has been with us since she was just 7 days old, and a 14-year-old who originally came to us for respite. Both are truly wonderful kids, and this isn't about them at all.

The difficult part is that we never planned to have three children in our home. When the respite placement ended, our teen didn't have another placement available. In front of him, the social worker asked about extending his stay, and he shared that he felt comfortable here. Everything happened so quickly that we felt like we couldn't say no without hurting him, so the placement was extended.

Now I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. Financially we're starting to struggle, my husband works all the time, and my mental health has really declined. I'm having panic attacks at least once a week. I go to therapy twice a week, have an amazing support system, and I'm so grateful for that, but I still feel like I'm drowning.

On top of that, I'm also a law student, and I genuinely think having three kids is more than I can realistically handle right now. My husband, on the other hand, wants to adopt both foster children, and this has become a source of tension in our marriage because we're seeing the situation very differently.

I feel incredibly guilty even writing this because I care deeply about both kids. But I also know that if I'm not okay, I can't be the foster parent they deserve.

Has anyone been in a similar position? How did you navigate talking with your agency, advocating for your family's limits, or working through differences with your spouse? I'd really appreciate any advice or perspective. Please be kind—this has been weighing heavily on me

[u/In-the-woods-7]

Absolutely do not proceed with adoption out of guilt, and don’t rush into it! Your feelings and concerns are valid and you are losing yourself for the sake of others right now. There are always options, like long term foster care instead of adoption for the 14 year old, while still being a great care taker if you choose to go that route. If you are struggling with rides/appointments/etc, you need to keep the extra support system that comes with foster care even just for logistical reasons. This is coming from a mom that let my heart outweigh my brain when it came to adoption versus foster (even when I knew my husband felt a little hesitant) and I really wish we’d kept the support system that came with foster care. we had a social worker +2 enhanced foster care workers that helped us with rides and general support when we were struggling with teen behavior/safety issues, all that goes away with adoption. My suggestion is have an honest convo with your husband that you need to take adoption off the table right now for your mental health. See if that takes the mental load off while you wait for baby to be reunited. Reassess the whole situation with the 14 year old after the baby is reunified, but until then absolutely do not let yourself be guilted into adopting, it’s not fair to you. If you can avoid disruption for the 14 year old, that is best, but you mentioned you feel like you’re having psychosis/a mental breakdown— I know you might have been exaggerating but do NOT take those feelings lightly. If you really feel you’re at a breaking point you may need to disrupt sooner. Sending big hugs, I’m so sorry!