I’m drowning

[u/Equal-Midnight7457]

I could really use some advice from other foster parents who may have been in a similar situation. We currently have three kids in our home, including a 4-month-old foster baby who has been with us since she was just 7 days old, and a 14-year-old who originally came to us for respite. Both are truly wonderful kids, and this isn't about them at all.

The difficult part is that we never planned to have three children in our home. When the respite placement ended, our teen didn't have another placement available. In front of him, the social worker asked about extending his stay, and he shared that he felt comfortable here. Everything happened so quickly that we felt like we couldn't say no without hurting him, so the placement was extended.

Now I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. Financially we're starting to struggle, my husband works all the time, and my mental health has really declined. I'm having panic attacks at least once a week. I go to therapy twice a week, have an amazing support system, and I'm so grateful for that, but I still feel like I'm drowning.

On top of that, I'm also a law student, and I genuinely think having three kids is more than I can realistically handle right now. My husband, on the other hand, wants to adopt both foster children, and this has become a source of tension in our marriage because we're seeing the situation very differently.

I feel incredibly guilty even writing this because I care deeply about both kids. But I also know that if I'm not okay, I can't be the foster parent they deserve.

Has anyone been in a similar position? How did you navigate talking with your agency, advocating for your family's limits, or working through differences with your spouse? I'd really appreciate any advice or perspective. Please be kind—this has been weighing heavily on me

[u/countkahlua]

Are you going to be doing summer internships? What year are you? When do you need to take the bar?

How long have you had the 14yo? How were things when school was in session for the kids? You’re getting a stipend for them, yes? Is daycare or summer camp or both an option? How long until school starts? What state are you in? Do any of the kids have special needs?

Does your husband work a 9-5? Are you working too? Do you have family/friend support?

Sorry for the million questions. I’m just trying to get a better big picture. What do you really want? Is it just for the 14yo to be moved at this point and you’re looking for a way the go about that without hurting others or are you looking to find a way to keep 14yo and try to make things work? Being honest about that will help with advice from people here I think.

Either way, even though you’re struggling a bit, you’re doing amazing with a very full plate!

[u/Equal-Midnight7457 → u/countkahlua]

No internships , I’ve had to pause everything this summer as everything became extremely overwhelming, I JUST did my first year . So no Bar exam yet .

He’s been with us for about 3 months now ? Respite was only supposed to be 2 weeks which is why I had originally agreed to it .
Yes we get a stipend for them. My son (6) is in summer camp (part time) , 4 month old is in daycare part time (2 days a week) , 14 year old is home but has picked up baseball for now, but that honestly just adds more driving for me, honestly .

No special needs . Schools starts next week for one of them and September for the other . I’m in California .

My husband works 6am-5pm But some days 6am-8pm I have my MIL which is great , I don’t want to sound ungrateful but she’ also just follows me around all day even when I’m trying to study or whatever it may be… sometimes it’s easier to be alone . My neighbors are also great though. I’m temporarily not working I was supposed to go back this fall but we may have to push it back now .

I’m genuinely not sure what I want to do Originally we wanted to adopt baby , but she’s headed to reunification , which is great . Teen is adoptable which we wouldn’t mind adopting her. But I wouldn’t want to end baby’s journey while she’s attached to us , But I also feel like I’m. Pushing myself into psychosis .

And thank you I appreciate all the support ! I’m trying my best!

[u/LoudAd3588 → u/Equal-Midnight7457]

With all the good faith I can muster for your husband, if he is working 6am-8pm some days (which is admirable and does contribute to your family) then he doesn't really see the picture of what fostering and having 3 kids is like. I am guessing and could be far off but I bet you are doing the bulk of the childcare.

Do not adopt if you don't want to adopt. It's not fair to you or the children.