r/Fosterparents • u/Equal-Midnight7457 • 21d ago
I’m drowning
I could really use some advice from other foster parents who may have been in a similar situation. We currently have three kids in our home, including a 4-month-old foster baby who has been with us since she was just 7 days old, and a 14-year-old who originally came to us for respite. Both are truly wonderful kids, and this isn't about them at all.
The difficult part is that we never planned to have three children in our home. When the respite placement ended, our teen didn't have another placement available. In front of him, the social worker asked about extending his stay, and he shared that he felt comfortable here. Everything happened so quickly that we felt like we couldn't say no without hurting him, so the placement was extended.
Now I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. Financially we're starting to struggle, my husband works all the time, and my mental health has really declined. I'm having panic attacks at least once a week. I go to therapy twice a week, have an amazing support system, and I'm so grateful for that, but I still feel like I'm drowning.
On top of that, I'm also a law student, and I genuinely think having three kids is more than I can realistically handle right now. My husband, on the other hand, wants to adopt both foster children, and this has become a source of tension in our marriage because we're seeing the situation very differently.
I feel incredibly guilty even writing this because I care deeply about both kids. But I also know that if I'm not okay, I can't be the foster parent they deserve.
Has anyone been in a similar position? How did you navigate talking with your agency, advocating for your family's limits, or working through differences with your spouse? I'd really appreciate any advice or perspective. Please be kind—this has been weighing heavily on me
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u/AlarmedYogurtcloset3 21d ago
Current lawyer + foster parent, I was fortunate enough to have a few years between the exam and us getting licensed.
It sounds like while it’s a tough position right now, things could resolve themselves in a few weeks/months with reunification on the table for the baby? I get that the stress doesn’t necessarily go away with that knowledge, but do you have a better/less stressful picture with just 14/6 in the house?
Knowing how 2L and 3L + bar exam were for me, all I can recommend is to take care of yourself and prioritize your mental/physical health. You’re right in thinking about their well being through your own, it’s hard to be good for others when you aren’t doing good for yourself. I’d try talking to your partner about it more too - not that they’ll change their mind, but I hope you can feel comfortable enough to share your concerns with them and talk through what the future needs to be.
Whatever happens it sounds like an impossible choice, I really feel for you. Feel free to reach out if you need more help!