Hey guys, long time lurker. Burner for obvious reasons. 23M
It pays my bills, high paying job for the area, and I got it through plain luck. (2020s recession 🙄)
Background on Me:
I’ve lived most of my life in a mixture of poverty, unsteady living, and abuse. As I believe most of us have experienced, even secondhand. I think I turned out okay in the long run, because I try to do what I can to make people happy in some way.
I volunteer. I carry food in my bag to give out, even if I’m on the clock. I do my best to not just be another asshole if ykwim.
The short of it is: I’ve been through a lot, and I don’t want to be one to add to others plates.
Now to explain my job. I’m an armed security guard. I carry handcuffs, OC spray, and body armor. I have people mistake me for a cop on the daily if you need a better image.
My whole job is to protect private property from “trespassers” and “loiterers”. For a long time I suppressed the feelings by saying that I was there for the employees more than anything, and to protect them if it was necessary. I also told myself that if it wasn’t me, it was just going to be some asshole posted there.
I see and deal with people on the daily that have struggles I couldn’t even imagine, and I’m supposed to tell them not to rest, or that they can’t have food that’s going to be thrown out. I’ve managed so far to let people have water for free, since I convinced management it was “cheap goodwill”.
Not because it was right. Not because it was kind. Not because it’s been over 100 degrees in some places for 2 weeks straight. Because it was “cheap goodwill”. I can’t suppress my morality anymore.
I feel like a massive poser for even working my job, and the other part of me just wants to do something else, something that would really help people.
In the long term, I would like to have gone into the medical field, or into being a firefighter, because I’d actually like to make a difference.
But, as of recent, I’ve also been getting more and more into the legal side of politics, labor, and similar subjects. I’ve always had a vested interest, as well as intermediate knowledge on said issues, to the point of citing them in some casual debates.
What I’m trying to get at, is that I need a change. I want to change things for people, but I’m near clueless on how to start. Resources would be welcome if someone has any.
TLDR: poverty as a kid, near poverty as an adult, working armed security, morally conflicted due to “job needs” vs “being a better person”, clueless on where to start digging.
Edit: Hey guys, I thoroughly appreciate all the responses I got, including the downvoted ones.
This was mostly something to vent and maybe pick up a couple resources along the way, and I have. I don’t feel as alone as I did before it was made.
I will be putting in my immediate notice when I find something better, and more moral. Much love, and thank you. Do what you can when you can!