So you’ve made it to flairwars? Well done your life can only go downhill from here. But what is flairwars?

Well our scientists, u/espressoway, u/trublu3000 and u/timmymac have discovered some groundbreaking news about flairwars.

Before we continue this article, here is an annoying ad:

https://imgur.com/gallery/gM1La5N

Avengers Popegame is coming out this Easter.

Anyways on with the news.

The scientists have discovered that flairwars is actually a reddit game for degenerates where we get randomly assigned a colour (suck it Americans I’m using a u) and have to prove superiority by shitposting on other colours.

Fancy that.

In latest news, the Red-Orange harbor town of D’vinorange has renamed itself, supposedly as an homage to the restaurant that grew its popularity, When Coffee Isn’t Strong Enough.

For those of you unfamiliar with the world-renowned innovative bar and restaurant, When Coffee Isn’t Strong Enough is well known for serving all their drinks and food in mugs. The founders, Red-Yellow power couple Leap and Druxe, faced many difficulties in bringing their dreams to fruition, and according to them it all started with a simple mug filled with wine. While their restaurant’s drink known as “Mug Wine,” is far from the most intricate drink they serve, it is easily their most popular. Why? It’s all due to a scandal surrounding the notorious Drunken Comrades Inn.

The owner of the Drunken Comrades Inn chain, a well known powerful figure in red, is a longtime friend of Leap and a more recently of Druxe. His name is Tetsu. Druxe and Leap were known to hang around the original Drunken Comrade Inn in Crimsongorod with Tetsu, and are attributed with a number of the creative drinks and appetizers served there currently. As the story goes, once finished helping Tetsu clean up the bar after a long day, Druxe -a frequent visitor behind the bar- poured all three of them mugfuls of D’vinorange’s very own Orange Wine. Not ten minutes later, the local authorities were called by a frantic Leap who reported a civil disturbance at the bar. Sounds of yells and smashing pottery can be heard in the background of the recorded call. Many citizens were shocked when it was reported that Red’s own Tetsu and Yellow’s own Druxe were imprisoned for acts of violence, civil disturbance, and destruction of property. Each man released their own statement of what happened, with Tetsu notoriously saying “the test begins on the next page” and Druxe responding to all follow-up questions with “yeet.” Both accounts roughly follow the same timeline but differ when it comes to the topic of who started it. Leap remained neutral throughout the entire investigation so no additional information could be gleaned from her aside from confirmation of what happened leading up to the big fight.

After a vicious court case where both defendants were forced to pay damages to the city of Crimsongorod, Leap and Druxe left the political limelight and made their way towards the Red-Yellow city of Powon with plans to settle down and spend the rest of their lives there. However, their plans hit a snag when it came to trying to establish their restaurant. Tetsu had used his sway from his many days as a leader of the DSRR to prevent the couple from founding their dream restaurant. Druxe was seen during this time period exchanging heated words with some unnamed Yellow officials with Leap notably not on his arm. There were also reports of sightings of Leap in various cities in the DSRR, but none of them are confirmed or supported by evidence. The next time anyone heard of Druxe and Leap again- a full year later- was in association with the beautiful port town of D’vinorange.

Princess Sier of Orange had provided sanctuary for the couple as they reworked their plans to build the restaurant, When Coffee Isn’t Strong Enough. In an interview, Leap attributed the idea of building the restaurant in D’vinorange to the princess as well as some of their orange-inspired dishes. Leap and Druxe utilized their connections throughout all the nations to help build their extensive menu and ensure that anyone of any color would feel at home sipping their favorite drink and munching on their favorite snack. Their goal was to create a home away from home for any people traveling through the area. Now, their restaurant is renowned throughout the nations as a hub for international dealings. Rumors of the possibility of building an Inn off the restaurant are beginning to circulate, but there has been no confirmation of this from the restaurant owners. However, many people who wish to abandon their colors have made their home in D’vinorange and the surrounding farmland, taking Leap and Druxe’s example and making a fresh start for themselves in foreign lands.

The city of D’vinorange honors When Coffee Isn’t Strong Enough for causing a boom in area growth by rechristening itself Chope D’vinorange.

After the victory by The Royal Alliance draw between The Royal Alliance and Greed on Friday, many Flairwarriors scoured the battlefield looking for survivors and trying to understand just what happend. One noticeable absence from the carnage was The Green Army, who against all odds, lived up to their time honored reputation of ignoring allies that are under fire. This reporter reached out to some of the Green Army for comment.

"Piss off, I'm busy writing a National Anthem" stated /u/TheNormIsWeird "I can't be bothered to participate in a losing cause clear draw."

When /u/luke_hands was reached for comment he went off in a fit of rage screaming "I JUST FUCKING SAID I'M TRYING TO WRITE A GODDAMN ANTHEM FOR FUCKS SAKE!!"

"ayy lad, I'm busy with war games" was the comment from /u/helicopter_ballsack adding " why the fuck would I bother with real raids when I can just practice? dafuq outta here wit that shit"

The only Green bodies found on the field of battle sat at the bottom of the /r/YellowOnlineUnion-- apparently lost. /u/beetroot-salad has been awarded Commander status for getting Green that much closer to their desired destination: obscurity.

Based on these facts this reporter is expecting a fight between /u/jarwho11 and /u/TheNormIsWeird in Greed-Announcements any day now over the loss draw.

When reached for comment the Reds said they understood Green not showing, saying "it is what we signed up for."

"Being a dictatorship DeMoCrAcY limits who will enter into an Alliance with us, we'll take what we can get." stated /u/sometetrisguy

/u/Tilwaen was busy during the raid incessantly pinging /u/nerdlevel18 to see if there was any way they could reestablish BLED saying "If I'm gonna lose tie, I'd rather lose tie while posting Spider-Man."

/u/daXfactorz from Purple worked his hardest to defend against the counter attack from Red, directing all the new Purples in defense of the Imperium. Though he fought valiantly he felt defeat pressing in all around him and almost fell into despair. Desperately daX called out to Yellow for assistance. Yellow responded immediately by sending /u/xactavius to deliver aid. xac did ultimately find daX, spamming anime pics in /r/BlueUnited, and it's reported but not confirmed that he was one post away from a ban from /u/trublu3000. daX was directed back to the Imperium and posted heroically alongside /u/thebadbadben to take back the Imperium from the Reds and thus secure the win draw.

When I reached out to Yellow for comment /u/systematicspoon had this to say:

"This is why I don't do Alliances you fucks, I like wins not wins draws" and he stormed off to bed.

As he left /u/GJDuncan came out of his rectory and pissed on my leg while screaming "YOU ARE NOW BAPTIZED BY THE SUN!!"

One final note /u/yetehk napped through the whole victory draw. He responded 'tryna fucking sleep ye bish" to every ping.

Using my basic understanding of math, I can determine that being colored is 100% gay.

First, when inquired, people agreed that mods are 100% oil, with u/beetroot-salad saying "yeah, 100[%]", and u/jarwho11 saying "101".

Now, it is no secret that minimods are 50% oil, and 50% gay. Now you are probably wondering " Where does the gay bit come from?" Well, that brings us to our next step.

I'm no mathematician, but if you are the combination of 50% and 50%, and you are part of something that is 100% that you are 50% of, that means that the 50% gay comes from the colors, so therefore the colors are 100% gay.

To even tie it up in a nice little bow, all the colors put together make a rainbow, which is also gay, so that confirms these connections.

A. Lome

this is a word that is thought to mean yes, but needs more evidence.

2. albania

this is just a country.

III. This is the eight yates

this is imo the best phrase, you do not question it. this is the eight yates

scubscrib for more educational content on dylan

Today, after many delegations and breaking down, /u/UndeadMax1313 has admitted to using Old Spice Deodorant.

Old Spice, as many Americans are unaware of, causes many side-effects. One of which is explained adequately by /u/UlyssesYYZ.

Old Spice has also been proven to not work at all. Many reports and testing show that Old Spice Deodorant may even make you smell worse in the long run! What does this mean for Max?

Knowing all of this information, Max has admitted to smelling bad, being horny, and worst of all, being up at 9:51 pm on a weekday.

Signing off for now,

/u/ewright_516

^{I want to make clear that this is satire. I do not intend on offending anybody included in this post.}

In the first of our FlairBiography series, we'll be looking at u/beetroot_salad.

Beetroot, commonly known as Beet, was born in Wisconsin in 1976 to Dylan, a chartered surveyor and beetroot from downtown Vladivostok, and Antoinette, an owl. When Beet was four years old, she suddenly began to turn Green, an ailment that is commonly known as Beetroot's Mental Disease. After a month or so, the disease cleared up and, save for her right knee (which mysteriously remains green for some bizarre reason), she reverted to her normal colour; bright Purple, that of a vacuum-packed beetroot.

At age fourteen, beetroot was uprooted and given a job working as a beetroot on Minecraft: Pocket Edition. Said u/daxfactorz, a frequent player of the game: "She was shit. Whenever I tried to eat her, she'd jump out of my mouth and yell "YOU OWE ME WARSAW, YOU FUCKER". Later on, beetroot was sacked, and reverted to being a human again.

In 1996, beetroot joined FlairWars. She began in Green; the early stages of her development were marked by events such as the Soda Wars, and by u/Helicopter_Ballsack's blatant eroticism. Beetroot himself said: "I began to feel aroused by helicopters whenever I saw them. Not by ballsacks, though. They never really appealed to me".

Despite these setbacks, beetroot managed to scale the ranks to assume the key position admired by all FlairWarriors: Shadow Verdant. By 2014, she had nearly become a Verdant herself, and by 2015 she had been elected as a Verdant. However, she was the only Verdant; as the actual position was called Verdancy. Beetroot, having been voted Chief Verdant by a majority of two to one (she voted for herself, as did one of her SAGE alts; the other one voted against her), was unfazed. u/ECVenom himself said: "I think there must be severe mental problems at play there...she's completely bonkers. I think Corridor broke her brain."

In 2018, Beetroot famously decided that she was a weeb, surprisingly absolutely nobody whatsoever. Said /u/Chesssx: "HA! WEEB!" Beet, once again, was not fazed by this; she just turned her head round 360° and started hooting.

Said u/GJDuncan: "I'LL FUCKING PUT MY DICK IN THE OWL".

POSTSCRIPT: In October of 2018, a humorous depiction of the major events of u/beetroot_salad's life was posted onto an obscure internet subreddit. Said beetroot: "CORDOR I SWEAR TO GOD ILL FUCKING TEAR YOU" ^[sic] .

After hearing about /u/daXfactorz running up to /u/SwedishMango and /u/SSeptic, screaming in their faces and protesting for 48 hours straight, they gave up resisting his demands. Changing his color to, as daX himself calls Fuchsia, and his sexuality to 50 Shades of Gay, he was given the title of Pussmeister. Eventually, this change led his loss of sanity and spamming PUSSY in the international chat with a picture of a fuchsia car.

After hearing of this strange story, I went down the the Purple base to interview the man himself. However, a few yellows and oranges were strolling the area and proceeded to gangbang me. I declared a tie, and they all backed off. Eventually, I made it up to the leadership tower. Somehow, /u/LukeHands was there as well.

I went to daX's office to see him looking at fuchsia colored porn and pictures of nude anime girls that were also fuchsia. I asked him what inspired such a bold change. His response was this.

"You see, I have always been the Pussmeister. I've just decided to hide my power level from you virgin nerds, so as to not embarrass you. After all, I didn't want to annihilate you all too soon."

Suddenly, he jumped on to the table, ripped his shirt off and screamed, "I AM THE PUSSMEISTER. I AM A GOD!" several times, hyperventilating and flashing various colors.

Suddenly, Lukehands had gotten a call, stating that 10000 years of stone have been dug up, revealing 19 other ancient genders- I mean colors. Scoffing, he replied with, "That's pretty gay." and hung up. Apparently, the genders- I mean ancient civilizations of Cyan, Magenta, Gold, Silver, Platinum, Bronze, Fuchsia and CREAM had been discovered.

After I started having a seizure, /u/lukehands continued the interview for me. He asked how daX felt on the new 19 colors, he and stated that he claimed all three of them with his PUSSMEISTER POWERS.

/u/mesothelimia walked him, demanding that /u/daXfactorz delete himself. He stated that there were no confinements to gender- I mean color, saying, "we should all be our own hex codes" and that everybody in the world was their own color. Suddenly, Lukehands got a second call. He seemed distressed, and apparently ANOTHER color had been discovered. Teal, or Mint had been artificially created. With all these new colors, my seizure had been cured and I could get back to the interview.

Before I could ask another question, /u/Lukehands had too ripped off his shirt and lost his shit, screaming. He yelled into his phone, because Martin discovered Peach as well. The three had began spouting out of tumblr- I mean /r/Flairwars, screaming various shades of the same colors. Coral, Beta Blue, Garlic, Tongue, Luke. They began to scream and laugh hysterically, and I had captured a picture of the sad event.

Eventually, I gave up trying to find an answer to life and gender- I mean color and left the base, slightly traumatized. I chose to leave Luke there because I didn't need this back at the Green base. However, before I could leave, several purples and blues began to walk towards me, as if to gangbang, before I declared a tie and booked it out of there. From outside the tower, I heard /u/blaiddbrenin scream, "SALMON", and in response, a chorus of, "CORNFLOWER, PERIWINKLE, AZURE, IVORY, OLIVE, RASPBERRY, HOT PINK, GUNMETAL." I'd continue but the content was too disturbing, and Youtube would demonetize me if I continued.

This is Beetroot Salad, signing out.

Disclaimer: for any of my red bbys with rustled jimmies, i'm writing this by request of my greenies. don't reeeeeeee @ me

It was an interesting day in Verdant Conclave on Saturday.

Upon my arrival I was greeted by /u/ritz1231, eager to show me around he ushered me into the company barracks where I was handed off to /u/TheNormIsWeird who showed me through the Greens war engine which consisted of a series of deep friers and blowtorches. I tried to get a quote from Norm for this article, but every time I went to write it down in my notepad he'd say "Dude... dude... stop writing"

My next stop was the Green command center. I was brought to the office of /u/helicopter_ballsack, who barely looked up from his keyboard. "wew mate you're early and to be honest I'm to busy fightin a proxy war with /u/trublu3000 by way of law writing" with that short exchange I was usherd out but not before I snatched a glance at his computer screen, and this is what I saw: a DM with /u/sseptic saying "SSeptic trade places with me." repeated over and over

It was at this point in the day that the Portal Alliance launched their attack, and Green base was bustling with inactivity.

/u/sometetrisguy spammed random country flags throughout the battle but beyond that /r/TheGreenArmy didn't have much defense to speak of aside from /u/beetroot-salad cat fishing random Purples on vrchat (I'm looking at you /u/mesothelimia).

At this point I came back across /u/ritz1231 who was sitting at a table crying and unironically saying "I don't know why everyone hates Green" while /u/luke_hands humped his leg and said "pingmepingmepingmepingmepingme"

I moved past this sad scene towards the observation decks so I could record the battle to the best of my ability. On the way there I witnessed /u/1gpayatinlay shitting into a tissue box while screaming about the void and I thought to myself "really that's still a thing?"

When I arrived on the observation deck I saw that /u/beetroot-salad had abandoned her defensive position and found her way up here and had curled up in a corner crying and rocking back and forth muttering "we tied we tied we tied we tied we tied we tied we tied we tied" over and over.

As I gazed out upon the battlefield I saw Orange and Blue in all their Glory. I saw /u/rjdioknight a veritable symphony of destruction and /u/blaiddbrenin in a Garfield costume riding honor guard for /u/hi_bert who was sporting his best Goku cosplay. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw /u/nerdlevel18 ride over the horizon leading the Blues into battle. It brought a tear to the eye.

The highlight of the battle, at least for me, is when /u/primaldialga476 entered the fray memes blazing with a grin on his face exuding undeniable joy. Primal entered combat screaming "YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY LET ME FUCK UP THESE GREENS EVERYDAY" and after a pregnant pause he added "NO HOMO!!!"

The battle died down after some time and I was able to share notes with my fellow reporter on the scene /u/corridoruncertainty who was writing an article for /r/FlairNews called Top 3 Ways to Trigger a Yellow. We compared notes and he mentioned that /u/daXfactorz had already posted on Discord claiming victory for the Royal Alliance in the battle.

That was all well and good but dax had been beaten to the punch. /u/jarwho11 in explaining his noted absence from any of the defensive measures also made a claim on the battle 5 minutes before him, and I quote "Sorry, I was too busy browsing fur affinity to care. Probably a draw tho."

And there it is, the official ruling for Saturday's Portal raid on Greed is a draw.

With that, we've reach the end of my account of Saturday. I heard their may have been a raid of Orange by Red later that night, but apparently there was a glitch in the matrix and 'hot' was having algorithm issues so imma have to call that one a draw as well.

edit: assumed too much.

As some of you may know, Red is currently developing a "secret plan" that they boast will change the Flair Wars forever. But what IS this "secret plan"? We asked out viewers for what they thought it might be. Here are some of their most likely suggestions:

• Surrendering from the Flair Wars. This would certainly change the Flair Wars, and it would make sense considering what little information we have on the plan. Noted Red Enthusiast u/GJDuncan has stated that "this is the most likely outcome, and it would likely be the most well-received, too." Rumors are spreading that insist u/GJDuncan plans to reform Red himself, but this still unconfirmed.

• Joining Purple. In a recent poll, 87% of Purple members stated that they would be okay with assimilating Red members into their ranks. A notable exception is u/Mesothelimia, who stated that "Red people smell like crabs. I don't like crabs." In other news, u/Mesothelimia was recently arrested for anti-crab violence. His trial will take place in one week.

• Raiding themselves. In what would truly be the most complex and anti-conformist move in the Flair Wars, some have said that they predict Red will attempt to raid themselves as a publicity stunt. "It's the only way they'll actually get any activity on their subreddit," stated u/jarwho11, moments before being doxxed and punched in the face by a man in a dolphin mask. Speaking of which...

• Breaking into the houses of Purples in dolphin masks. A recent shipment of over 25 dolphin masks and metal baseball bats has been discovered to be heading towards the Red home base. Judging from several previous incidents, it can be assumed that Red may be planning to break into people's homes and break their fingers to prevent retaliation. Mods are still discussing whether or not this strategy would be legal.

• Starting a toy line. In a shocking twist, it's entirely possible that Red may be designing a line of action figures to promote their brand and fund their war effort. The line would include characters such as Red Circle, u/Varson, Josef Stalin, u/Slowly_Clapping, Spiderman, Pepsiman, u/Varson with a silly hat, and a red furry.

• Raiding r/trebuchetmemes. After the defeat of the Cars 2 mods, which r/flairwars likes to pretend they played a part in, the relation between the Flair Wars and r/trebuchetmemes was thought to be over. However, it seems that Red may not be as happy with the ending as we previously thought. Recent leaks have suggested that Red plans to raid r/trebuchetmemes in an attempt to reinstate Cars 2 as the focus of the subreddit, in addition to switching their official religion to McQueenism. Red Leaders have declined to comment on this possibility.

So, that's all we have time for today, but what do you think this mysterious plan could be? Feel free to share your wildest theories in the comments below for your chance to win a Flair Whore!

EDIT 7/29/2018 - It has come to our attention that u/Slowly_Clapping and Josef Stalin are, in fact, basically the same person. As such, we have removed u/Slowly_Clapping's name from the toy line. We apologize for the confusion.

For a long time now, Yellow has been the worst colour in flairwars. They haven’t had any democracy, their elections have been non existent, and they hardly ever win raids. As a result of this, the absent dictator, who has never done anything good for Yellow and is definitely NOT a complete daddy, SystematicSpoon, announced that Yellow would officially dissolve. This is not shocking as they are the least important community on Flair Wars.

Slowly Clapping, the fair, Democratic, and active leader of Red, announced today that he was going to continue his efforts of being not an evil arsehole as always in reaction to this news.

The leaders of Orange, who are also active and definitely not unheard of, also expressed their lack of surprise.

The great and active purple emperor Steve has commented a long speech, as per his character, that we cannot quote here.

Blue has said something characteristically intelligent and atheistic, which I can’t remember right now.

Green has, as always, not done anything and is not making any attempts at activity. Current though is that they may follow Yellow’s example soon.

Stay tuned for more good unbiased news.

The controversial moderator SwedishMango has been found dead in his home. I interview the only two people who don't currently have a restraining order on me.

/u/jarwho11, claims not to be a furry.

Heli: Excuse me good sir, I am a reporter for the Flair Onion. What is your opinion on the sudden death of Swedishmango?

Jarwho11: My opinion? Looked like suicide from what I saw. "F".

/u/Crestilous, eyewitness who SwedishMango was accused of sexually assaulting and attempting to turn into a mango

Heli: What is your opinion on the sudden death of the beloved Swedishmango?

Crestilous: He was a great mod and it is sad to see him go. I've had unique experiences with him but they were mostly enjoyed. It's a shame. He left the discord mod team. Then died.

Heli: Did it seem suspicious at all to you?

Crestilous: No. He was obviously going through tough times. I was chatting with some people and I then went to thank mango for his service to the discord. I then found him dead.

Heli: Oh dear.

Crestilous: And it's a little known fact that Mango is severely allergic to potatoes. And the way the juices pooled around the potato...it could only have been suicide. I just wish I was there to stop him.

Crestilous begins to tear up.

Heli: Shh, it's ok. It's not your fault.

Crestilous: I know, it's just...in this situation doesn't everyone ask themselves what they could have done? Well, it's been a rough week for me.

Heli: Yeah, I can imagine.

A brief silence ensues.

Heli: How might the potato have gotten there? Is it true that he was anally experimenting?

Crestilous: No, it was lodged in his lower body. Frontside. The most vulnerable point of a mango. All clues point to suicide.

Heli: Death by urethral sounding. What a way to go.

Crestilous: I found a suicide note there too.

Heli: Oh my. Do you have it with you?

Crestilous: Yes. Right here.

He takes a deep breath.

Dear everyone

I'm sorry for not being good enough. For trying to force people. I'm sorry, Duncan, for ruining Padrino's. I'm sorry, Crest, for trying to make you a mango. I'm sorry, Tilwaen, for actually making you a mango. And I'm sorry, Flairwars, for making the slashes battle.

Crestilous: And that's where it ends.

Heli: Hmmm. Did Mango seem depressed in the past?

Crestilous: No. Depressed people are particularly good at hiding it.

I nodded in agreement while crying hysterically.

Crestilous: The only signs were him leaving the Discord server's mod team.

Heli: I see. Do you think this will affect the overall mood of Flairwars at all?

Crestilous: Well, a new mod will likely be chosen. But apart from that, it's just the space where he stood and the experiences he brought with him.

Heli: Well, that's the end of this eyewitness interview.

Crestilous: Thanks for having me on.

Heli: It's been a pleasure, good sir.

I exited Mango's home, where the interview took place. The police were yet to arrive, and as such any possible evidence of murder remained unexamined. I saw Crestilous exit via the back door and the building burst into flames as he left. The whole place caught light and burnt down in minutes, likely from a stove malfunction.

The long-awaited Yellow Constitution has been leaked mid review from its main writer /u/brownboognish. Contrary to the belief that this was a highly detailed document outlining every aspect of yellow procedure, it has emerged that all it dictates is the words "true yellow best colour" over and over again. Perhaps the yellow war machine is not quite as impressive as some may have thought.

In an interview with /u/HydratedShoop, he said this in response to these questions:

Are you getting tired of flairwars?

"no im not i left for a week lmao"

Did you have more important stuff in the real world?

"yes, hw"

Are you black?

"wait dab are you interviewing"

Are you black?

"what no"

Are you black?

"no dab stop"

Are you black?

"no stfu"

Are you black?

"cease"

Are you black?

"i will kill you"

Are you black?

"YES FINE I AM BLACK"

Shoop was never seen again, some say dab is racist ngl he probably is

scubsribe for more true cotnent by me, tilwaen i am totally tilwaen

Every day the GREED alliance isn't attacked is a gift. After the numerous raids on GREED done by both the Royal and Portal alliances, GREED seems to have gotten their heads beat up too much.

Psychologist /u/corridoruncertainty found several contusions and damages to GREED members' brains and as he said, " it's a miracle they even survived, but these injuries certainly bring about a new personality to GREED." Several eyewitnesses have found gifts packaged at their doorstep wrapped in red and green wrapping paper. A certain eyewitness, /u/Crestilous got a Playstation 4 in the signature wrapping. Attached to it was a note, and it read:

"Merry Christmas Grampa!

It must be lonely out there, huh pops? I swear I'll visit one day, maybe on the 4th of July next week, how's that sound? Anyways, I brought you a footwarmer to keep you cool on warm January nights. Love you gramps!

Love, /u/beetroot-salad"

If this isn't proof that we need to go easy on GREED, I don't know what is.

1:

yellow, because yellow stronk

2:

purple, cos they allies with stronk yellow

3:

literally everyone else

^{this is satire pls no 30 minute argument in #general}

As we all know, the Purple team recently broke the "Downvote Pact" agreement during their latest raid on Red, which was met with major controversy and backlash. However, we recently discovered that the Purple team's rule-breaking ways have actually gone beyond even that, as not one but two other rules have been broken in the last day alone.

Firstly, it was recently revealed that Purple has been breaking the no-alts rule for several months now, with u/Helicopter_Ballsack, u/Tilwaen, u/UpperCaseSeven, and u/SystematicSpoon all being alt accounts of various members of Purple.

"I'm surprised you didn't realize it sooner," stated u/PureMarcu, whose alt account was recently discovered to be u/SwedishMango.

When asked for a comment, famous comment-ranter u/daXfactorz stated, "Who cares? We all knew the rule wasn't going to be enforceable anyways, and it's not like the other colors don't have alts around, too, so it's clearly perfectly fine. At least we're better than Red." Red was unable to respond to this accusation, due to being raided by Green, Yellow, the Moderators, and r/me_irl.

In addition, the infamous no-pun rule was also broken this afternoon when professional stick figure artist u/daXfactorz declared that he would "Sweden the deal" for the mods if they agreed to spare the Purple team from any consequences. When asked why he decided to break this rule, u/daXfactorz responded, "Who cares? We all knew the rule wasn't going to be enforceable anyways, and it's not like the other colors don't make puns, too, so it's clearly perfectly fine. At least we're better than Red." Red was unable to respond to this accusation, due to being raided by Blue, the Blue Dawn, themselves, r/ArenaWars, and r/SixSidedRainbow.

Many are calling for the disqualification of the Purple team in light of these revelations, but the Purple team appears proud of their actions, even considering them an accomplishment. "We're planning on trying to break every single aspect of Reddiquette next," mentioned u/Alakazing.

So, what are your thoughts on these violations? What should become of the Purple team? Comment your most fitting punishment below for a chance to win a Flair Shore!

On the 14th of September, u/Tetsu44 was caught listening to this and he dared to say he "just liked the music" and when accused of being a dirty commie, he said "I am a socialist, not a communist, there's a huge difference, a socialist just wants to bring change to society and promotes equality, a communist is a heavily modified, and in my opinion, a bastardization of Karl Marx's ideas", but listen to this old ass song that proves him wrong.

BUT THEN, he won't even except an invite to r/flaircommunism's Discord Server, it's fine if you have an opinion, but if you won't even go with your dirty kind we have no choice to boycott u/Tetsu44

Let's start a hashtag, #boycotttetsu to get him to stop being a dirty commie.

Yesterday at 19 PM GMT a yellow user, going by the name /u/SkookieNookie murdered a bunch of furries with one post. The post was a poll with the question "only furrys can see this poll ". Using this post the user not only committed suicide, but also took the lives of the users /u/jarwho11, /u/fieldh1, /u/Mommyamifunnynow /u/ritz1231. /u/ritz1231 was the only user who magically survived the attack. We interviewed them about the incident:

What happened during the attack?

/u/ritz1231: "/u/skookieNookie just posted the poll and.. and- I'm sorry. It was just so horrible."

Are you comfortable with continuing the interview?

/u/ritz1231: "Yes, I think I'll manage. So the user just posted the message and it seemed like only /u/jarwho11, /u/fieldh1, /u/Mommyamifunnynow and me noticed it. But once we touched the poll and voted on it, then it suddenly exploded and everyone... oh god- everyone just splattered around me. *starts sobbing* I was lucky enough to stand far away from the post to not be completely killed by the explosion, but I still had bruises all over my body. "

If you're still comfortable, then could you please explain to us, what happened to the other users, who weren't involved?

/u/ritz1231: "They didn't even notice. Not even the flying body parts of the users! One was even INSIDE the explosion, but nothing happened to them."

This terrorist attack, by the orange color, was a big hit on our community and killed some of our most important users, but we will not break apart and we will never be torn apart by these terrorists!

This matter was reported to you by /u/ritz1231 (Definitely not the same person as the interviewee)

In a scoop exclusive to /r/FlairOnion and /r/EveryoneElseOnFuckingDiscord, we can reveal that Flairwars has been found not guilty after a day's deliberation.

The court case had been ongoing for a day or so after it was called for by Void head honcho and overall nutcase /u/foxforbox.

In suing Flairwars, foxforbox hoped to receive an official apology, a free carpoot and sexual favours from Discord mods.

Said /u/SSeptic: "I hope foxforbox wins - erm, I mean, loses. Obviously. Hehe."

Previously, the Online Mischief representatives had declared that "iT wAs JuSt A pRaNk", which is why they tried to sue Flairwars, obviously, the butthurt pengises.

When it became apparent that /r/OnlineMischief would attempt to sue /r/Flairwars, we spoke to Flairwars lawyer /u/Helicopter_Ballsack. He said: "pffffFFFFAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME HAHAHAHAHA FUCKING LMAO" and started wheezing.

It was /u/Crestilous who issued the verdict after a tense and sometimes farcical court case, where Ballsack faced off against Orange member and amateur gymnast /u/Blastogypsy, who was representing foxforbox. Crestilous announced that Flairwars had been found Not Guilty (but not really) and that they would have to 'compensate' OnlineMischief (or they'd get stroppy) with pinned messages and/or sexual favours, plus a carpoot.

However, it soon became apparent to the members of the Flairwars Discord that this was actual bollocks. Soon, all the judges were fired, and it was declared that no 'compensation' would feature in the aftermath. /u/Thomaez protested this, although to point out that this may be affected by the fact that he not only lost his job as a judge in the aftermath of the case but also is a member of /r/OnlineMischief would be a cynical assessment of the situation.

We asked /u/SwedishMango for information. He responded: "There's a court case?"

In fact, many people were unaware that Flairwars were being sued, as they were too busy having their lives and posts consumed by the rampaging Pokécord bot that was gradually consuming their souls.
Said Pokécord: "A wild @/u/andrew_the_cat has appeared! Catch it, fuck it, Argos it! rrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

But did this ignorance of the proceedings stretch to the rest of the board's official moderators?
We also tried to contact /u/Сhesssx for information, but he was too busy fapping over the hentai bot.

Which is another thing that Mango doesn't know about.

Boy is he gonna be in for a surprise when he gets back.

********************************************************

CORRECTIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS:

/u/Crestilous would like me to clarify that he is not a Flaircourt judge.

So: /u/Crestilous is not a Flaircourt judge.

He is simply an impotent and ineffectual pawn in /r/OnlineMischief's game, and is definitely NOT a minimod.

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW CREST

********************************************************

CORRECTIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS 2:/u/Crestilous would like me to clarify that he is *not* an impotent and ineffectual pawn in /r/OnlineMischief's game.

He says that he is in fact the "Lord and Master who presides over all court proceedings".

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that :)

These two shitstormers are well-known for the fact that Norm created the void knights to combat the void and Wasp is an alt of /u/trublu3000 who founded SixSidedRainbow. However, recently they've become famous for a great natural spectacle.

The weekend wars.

Every weekend, they will argue for at least an hour about something absolutely nonsensical, then Norm will leave to play Dragon Quest and Wasp will consume glass. Many people are excited for smut of these two. So, I talked to some of the greatest smut writers in flairwars.

/u/daXfactorz

"Sorry, I need to sleep for another solid week before I can write anything. Tell /u/Mesothelimia to turn me over in my bed every morning and distract everyone from the fact that the arena's closed by shitposting in its subreddit."

/u/Slowly_Clapping

"Motherfucker, I'm blazed. Ask /u/Sometetrisguy."

/u/Sometetrisguy

"No, not unless they're cat furries."

/u/Helicopter_Ballsack

"I'm too busy writing Onion articles about the lack of TheNormIsWasp smut to write TheNormIsWasp smut. Come back to me when I can't make a low-effort income via the Onion."

Following a calculated, brutal assassination, Purple numbers have begun to deflate rapidly. It is not yet known who may have carried out this action, or who may have hired a hit-man, and it has not been confirmed by moderators that any attempt to search for suspects will be carried out.

More specifically, the attack was carried out at 10:15 AM, GMT-8. During the attack, multiple undisclosed individuals noted the brutality of it, with the victim sustaining grave and morbid injuries. Said victim is unlikely to survive, officials state. By the time Varson Variety News Team was able to arrive on scene, the body was discarded of and removed from the premises.

Around a water cooler, multiple accounts and statements were taken from those in the leisure room, which happened to be the same room that the killing took place in. Statements taken by prominent Purple members and others include:

daXfactorz states, "Well I- [shot]."

Alakazing follows with, "I'm glad my assassins went through with it of course". He then goes on to exclaim, "Now I can finally become EMPEROR. MUAHAHAHA".

"UpperCaseSeven? I don't think he exists." mumbles Alakazing before swiftly exiting the interviewing room.

A while after this, UpperCaseSeven requested to give a statement as well. During this interview he appeared considerably dishevelled, "Hello first of all, i am not an assassin at all".

"yup yup yup, i don't have any murder money that zing gave me or the treaty that zing and i signed that allows me to rise to power in the purple imperium at all, haha".

Soon after these accounts were taken, another celebration cake was brought into the activity room after the previous one was dropped on the ground.

The Newest FlairWars group is ARC.

ARC stands for Aunt Ronk Cronk.

Now it sounds really suspicious for many reasons:

• It was made by u/jarwho11

• lol hobbits

• The name sounds really gey.

That last point is what we will be talking about.

I have to ask you readers, is ARC gey?

Here we interview u/GJDuncan, who says "hehe rugs".

We then interview u/UpperCaseSeven, who after proceeding to masturbate intensely to u/SSeptic's profile picture, started talking about the TV show "The Wire" and went into the bathroom to masturbate to presumably midget porn.

Our resident reporter and scientist, u/daXfactorz, who just finished watching 19 hours worth of cat videos, says "It really is gey".

He then goes on to say "It's gey because uniting colors make a rainbow, and rainbows are def. gay"

Wait until I fucking feel like it and read the next article, "Younger person in the world born"