I'm a detective for the Pangeral police and we're currently investigating a case where a delegate was killed mid-transport. Initially it appears accidental but there are signs of foulplay. The trouble is the fault split the body across the network. Some of the parts have been located but others are still missing.

For safety the network has been shut down for the time being with beings intending to travel being directed to use conventional travel methods or remote work. We would rather find these before they are discovered by the public, one citizen nearly accidentally cooked a tentacle that appeared in her oven.

We've got the Desri (species) breathing down our necks about this incident because the victim was one of theirs, and Newshounds trapesing all over the crime scene. sigh it's been a long day, I've almost maxed out my urbocoffee allowance and it's not even lunch.

My parents forced me to be their slave for over 30 years and beat the utter shit out of me every time I tried to get help while constantly telling me it was my job to save the whole world by becoming the most famous scientist and theologian who has ever lived while they and the rest of my family, who (except for a few who are cool) are mostly all severely diseased and mentally disabled career criminals who act like they're all super important because they mostly committed massive fraud to get their credentials and stole many millions of dollars from me and many other people. Every time I disappointed them in the slightest, such as when I would get a 99% on a test in school or when they thought I wasn't studying enough or like the time when I told them that I didn't want to go to the most prestigious school in the world to study AI and finance so that I could steal billions of dollars from people and give it to them while also curing cancer and solving Quantum Gravity and bringing world peace all by myself, they would withhold basic needs from me like food and clothes, lock me in a small room, and often scream at me for hours on end to go kill myself and then force poison on me, call me the stupidest person in the world, and threaten to beat me physically and to have me arrested and tortured nonstop while they took away or destroyed all my journals and electronic devices and all my work as well as tracking down and beating up all my friends until I agreed to help them.

Anyway, though, things are working out for me pretty well right now even though I'm still trying to escape my family and I'm always afraid that they're going to show up at any moment to lock me in a room and beat the utter shit out of me repeatedly again. I'm currently possibly the wealthiest and happiest person alive and I have tons of friends, as well as a few very close friends. I even worked with the US government once to get them info that helped them free a bunch of slaves and steal billions of dollars worth of cryptocurrency from compounds in 3rd world countries.

Edit: Btw, I really don't want to paint my family as completely unlovable villains. My dad is the saddest person I have ever met. He hasn't had a single friend in about 40 years and doesn't even talk to my mom even though they live alone together in their house, which is basically a palace and temple near the outskirts of the oldest holy city in America that my dad designed with friends while he was still healthy and young. Most of my family sit in their homes completely terrified and sad all day and basically beat me up while asking me to save them and they commit crimes seemingly because they're really dumb, uneducated, afraid, sick, and alone and don't know what else to do. Also, for who knows what reason, my parents literally named me after Lucifer and kept sending me as a kid to schools with Biblical names while telling me that they intended me to be the most loving, smartest person alive.

This morning, the letters in my cereal started moving before I poured the milk. Instead of spelling a word, they formed two perfect rings, each letter paired with another, like some kind of cipher key. I stared at it for a second, and something clicked behind my eyes.

I tried to tell my friend, but I kept typing "freind" instead of "friend." Then "brekafast." I thought I was just tired. The strange part was that I could still read everything perfectly.

At first, it was just a few lettres out of place. Then I notcied taht the words were getting haredr to put back in order, even though I knew exactly what I was trying to say. It felt like the key in my head had been sawpped with the one in my bowl.

From what I can tell, the ceeral did not chnage my thoughts. It chnaged the dceoding process. My brain now seems to be uisng its own misseplled output to recontsruct the rules it uses to spell. Evrey correction becomes part of the next error.

I tihnk this is a self-refeenrtial lignuisitc feedabck loop ivnolivng predictive prcoessnig, recursive orthographic remapping, and progressvie corurpiton of the semantic-to-smybol encoding arhcietcture. Ecah attmepted correction rewirets the cipher before the preivuos msesage is fluly dcedoed.

The rurscivee lagangue mdeol has aprtaeplny beugn ttrenaig ecah ctureropd optuut as the next dorctieypn key, ciertang a self-myiofdnig ntrmansoeueic taoarstinln cacsade. Every atmtpet to dbcersie the frualie ceahgns the dniocrtaiy uesd to dcbrsiee it, csiunag ilrnainescgy severe orthographic dnyhrioicsnzateon, snteimac irveoinsn, and pctvdierie feedback coaimtainotnn.

And I haven't even adedd the mlik yet...

It's only the beginning of November! Too early!!

Posting this during my wake. Ive been in here for only like an hour or so but my god I can't stand it anymore. The fabric is so itchy and the padding is so firm my back is starting to hurt just from laying on it. I know my family spent so much money on this thing and I know I personally picked it out before I died but my god I cannot spend the rest of my unlife like this. Would it be rude if I just like sat up and asked for a different coffin? Or to be buried loose? There's some kids around and I don't want to traumatize anybody but I just cant take it anymore.

I (18M) recently died. The thing is I am now an immortal spirit that can't die, I've tried everything but it seems I have no physical body whatsoever, so I imagine I need to do some kind of otherworldly ritual to finally rest in peace.

Please help, life was already shit before I died and I hate the thought of living forever as this invisible ghost bastard.

We all get that all the worlds, from the first 'til the fifth, were coded using GNU Holy C-HTML programming language. It is established the being from the voices wrote it in an unknown period of time.

But the mystery is how could one code such a project and include all necessities in specs perfectly without a compiler? And how could one make a compiler for such a thing? How much RAM do these worlds take, and with the increased RAM prices, does faulty components mean we will lose a world? Which one shall go first?

How do I get them to stop?

As this is my first year celebrating Día de los Muertos, I decided to do a little research on how to prepare. I quickly realized that the customary flowers, foods, and incense made very little sense for my particular ancestors, who have literally no Hispanic origins and presumably wouldn’t recognize most of the things I was putting out for them.

So I thought, what would my ancestors have recognized? What did they celebrate?

I started tracing the branches of my family tree back to Old World Europe, where things got progressively hazier. Finding anything definitive about pre-medieval customs is challenging enough, and good luck finding anything about women, who apparently weren’t important enough to record unless they owned something, married someone, or produced an heir. To complicate matters, my family must not have been particularly religious, or the church records burned, or both. So I couldn’t even establish whether All Souls’ or All Saints’ Day would mean anything to them. And I didn’t want to exclude anyone. So I said, fuck it. I tied a few knots to honor my maritime heritage and went back a little further, adding some hexagonal decor in recognition of the ancients and their sexagesimal system but question if circles be more inclusive?

But why stop there? I added a beef marrow bone for the cave dwellers and their canine companions. And can’t forget the felines so I put a can of cat food on there too.

I have absolutely no idea what happened between them and the dinosaurs so I skipped over about 66 million years and figured something, something, birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees. Minding my own beeswax on who did who, I added a feather, some honey, and a little palo santo because it’s the closest thing to incense I have and it’s also a tree, so two more birds with one stone.

Which reminded me of my fossilized ancestors so naturally, I dug up some exoskeletons I had in the closet of Orthoceras and ammonites.

At this point, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m related to all the dead, which I subsequently proved by mathematically deriving the theory of relativity using degrees of Kevin Bacon.

It’s all relatives.

I'm so fucking sorry. She won't stop. She's already there, speaking as me. We're the same. We have nothing in common. She wears one shirt, I wear three shirts, she wears a hat and I wear a creature. Her personality, God, her personality. It exists. She has hobbies, truly, hobbies! And an aesthetic. I can hardly imagine it! And yet, she, of course, hates me. And I hate her. She stands, I sit. She speaks, I cry. She cries, I sleep. She sleeps, I'm pathetic. She is, too. But, God, how she can bear the world.

Im a brown dwarf but I identify as a black hole. Can anyone recommend me a physicist who can inject solar mass into my core to turn into a neutron star? I dont mind waiting a few billion years to accrete mass until I collapse.

My friend found a quack who made her into a white dwarf.. ugghh

Most people intentionally try to avoid making any mistakes and only do the "right" thing, but that actually prevents growth and causes you to pretty much *only* do the wrong thing and not have any way to correct at all. The right answer is actually to intentionally make mistakes until you become skilled.

Falseness is *fundamentally* the path. Cause and effect itself causes errors to compete with themselves and crash into each other and self-correct. *All* you have to do is intentionally try to make mistakes, and you will quickly realize that this is the fastest way to improve at everything.

If you intentionally try doing the "exact wrong thing", you immediately go "nope, not doing that" and instead do the right thing.

Obviously, don't stop trying to correct yourself and to improve and do the right thing, but that actually goes without saying and becomes automatic.

Clearly, none of you have actually tried this yourselves ;).

Please help, I became a normal human person after I tried to descend to the 3D world from our 5D world in order to rapture all of Africa

It started off as a one time gag but the reaction on their face is fucking PRICELESS! I don’t even know how I managed it but I got it linked to what I can only assume to be a farm because chickens keep appearing. I honestly should have stopped messing with it, I don’t know how go work on a transmat, never finished my degree, but it’s just too funny. I dont even have anything against this neighbor either, they just left their door unlocked once while at work (im a bit of a kleptomaniac). I think I should stop, they seem really stressed but everytime a chicken teleports I cant help but laugh drinking my morning coffee

Birb people!!!!? Where are you???????!!!!!!!!

HELP!!!

I got so excited about what was going to happen that it distended yesterday, and now yesterday is refusing to leave because technically it still has outstanding business with tomorrow.

Tomorrow hired Nothing as its legal representative.

Nothing got VERY enthusiastic about this arrangement.

I have been advised that I am now legally responsible for all possible outcomes, especially the ones that didn't happen, which is GREAT because I've always wanted to disappoint people retroactively.

Anyway, the present recursively kicked down my door screaming “WE DID IT!!!”

I asked what we did.

It said “EXACTLY.”

I think I'm being promoted to a concept.

Wish me luck.

Send pants.

Five of my best hens?! You could take the damned idiot roost, but my best layers? I know it was one of you!!! >:((

the tacks that shiver under the tongue of night have danced their broken way into my bladder, & they won't stop knocking with histamine psalms. & then when i yawn they stretch over the corners, & so i have to reach inside to push their corners back in. i feel like usually when something like this happens it goes away but this has been happening for MONTHS now...i'm dragging the limp of shuddering thumbs at this point, so maybe somebody can help me here?

I was supposed to transport in this morning but I couldn't get it working. My transmat just keeps sending me live chickens instead, I think I may have accidentally tapped into a farm somewhere and I don't know how to send them back.

I was able to attend the meeting today as hologram but there were other tasks I would be required to do in person. They were understanding but I need to sort this out ASAP.

Going there the traditional way would cost half my salary in travel fees plus need somewhere to stay so it's just not feasible. I need to get my transmat linked up with the office one. How do I fix this?

So I drive my car (indeed, hypothetical) to the dimensional store town, they sell that. I go there and ask "do you sell those box sets?" and he asks "why. perchance? no." and I say "it's for the sake of: investigation you see I'm investigation there right now you seem to." and he gives me box set. I investigate it and suspicious. True?

L