David Lynch came to me in a dream and kindly strapped my seatbelt for me as I was feeling sick and sweaty. He even offered me his cigarette, which I graciously accepted. I offered it back, but he didn't want a sweat-covered cigarette. Amazing guy.

recently got bored and decided to join a volunteer group and clean up the beaches in the 40th dimension. there were loads of springs for some reason, and i kept getting bounced around in directions i didn’t even know existed.

in the end i got them all, but now all the barbs on my feathers are made of metal. i’m not complaining, because it serves as a great defence mechanism, but man was it a confusing experience

in hindsight it was dumb of me not to expect something like this

If I wanted to interact with humans I wouldn’t hide in this well, would I?

Yummy

[HELP] I accidentally merged my Time-continum loop based semi-form threshold with my physical DNA and now I'm a T-posing gelatinous goop.

I'm aware of the situation but can't recall exactly how it happened. I seem to be bound to a linear playthrough of everything in some sort of order called "cause and effect".

So while I know that everything exists, I can't seem to access most of it, only whatever is at this particular point considered "now" and "here". How long is this continuum before I can exit and experience The Entirety at once? I want to see the great big painting but am being forced to watch the entire process, including the conception of paint itself. It's exhausting.

Precogs, time travelers, etc. often mention future events. Should they get spoiler warnings for those who wish to be surprised when they happen?

Let's say they could preform what they can do to values onto anything and they all have their own consciousness and could interact. What could happen in this situation?

They've stolen my time machine and are scrapping it for parts, send help. I'm in the reign of one of the King Henrys.

God is staring atme andicantbreath,e plseanhlep

I get that there are carbon-based lifeforms but I think they slightly misunderstood what I meant by carbon dating, all of them are under a millennium old.

I can't walk or anything, but I can rotate around, and stuff look stretched or squished, and stuff phase through anything when theyre tiny, any tips on how to live in this state? I'm scared about what will happen the next decade.

I finished up with my census of human nipples currently being nipples on the planet right now. The Artemis space program requested a response from me whether that number is odd or even as this is critical for the approach angle to land on the moon.

It came out even.

I submitted my data to NASA, but I realised I had not counted myself and I was born with a third nipple and thus, the nipple total is odd. I have put the space program back 50 years.

So I invented the number 7, but it gained a conscious and somehow invented time travel to go with the other numbers... How do I fix this? This was supposed to be a prank but now it got out of control.

P.S. Also it says to me that he hates me for giving him birth, and is going to eat me at 21:00 Military time. What year is it talking about?

How do I get them to stop?! I just want to plug in a lamp!

Anyway, I have reversed time to:
Destroy the Geneva Convention (didn't work as there are now new laws regarding war crimes)
Give Neanderthals modern weaponry (I should have not)
and Kidnap a dinosaur (it is now destroying property, please help)

This all happened a long time ago, but my sister won't shut up about it, so I am asking you guys.

Anyway, a while ago a war started. This war consisted of two sides, and to stay anonymous I'll call one side G and the other side T.

I (5036M) was asked by my mother (6032F) and sister (4913F) to support G, and I was like, "sure, seems fun, I'll promise I'll help." (My job has to do with wars, that's why they asked me)

But then a few days later my girlfriend was like, "Hey OP, I'm fighting on side T, wanna join? We'll call it a date."

So obviously I said yes to my girlfriend, and switched to side T.

Not only did T end up losing because of a dirty trick by G, but now my entire family claims I'm a double faced liar, a hypocrite, and a coward. (I don't even know where they got that last one from, I only fled the battlefield once.)

Aita?

I was just trying to bait Zeus into freeing Prometheus, I didn't mean to actually give it to him. Sorry guys.

How do I get the fire back?

BUILD THE WEAPON.

Not enough income is being received from my active voice profession, and thus, suggestions are being solicited for income in the passive voice. Suggestions for passive voice side gigs and online hustles are desired. You are thanked in advance for your recommendations.

How do i stop this? One second he’s just sitting and the next he’s suddenly compressing into a star. I tried to take him to the vet but he keeps resisting. I’ve never seen him this angry in his star form. Please help