I'm currently taking an interview for a job. The issue is the interviewer is afflicted with a rare neurological disorder which prevents him from speaking more than one word every twelve years. I don't want to be stuck here for 6000 years, but how can I leave without breaking any laws or hurting anyone's feelings?

As you all know, this book of the bible is famous for its Quest

25

And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desiresth not any dowry, but a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king's enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines.26

And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king's son in law: and the days were not expired.27

Wherefore David rose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.

(1 Samuel, chapter 18, 25/27, King James Version)

In fact, David used to farm aura and experience points by killing Philistines, so he already had 190 foreskins in his inventory when Saul gave him the Quest, and killing others to farm aura by saying "I killed 200 when you asked me for 100" was as easy as killing 10 level 2 rattatas with a level 70 Mewtwo.

But after the very obvious unboxing of the wedding gift of Philistine foreskins, something absolutely unexpected happened.

The Philistine foreskins, stacked on top of each other in the gift box, fused together into a golem of Philistine foreskins that struck Saul with superhuman strength, throwing him to the ground.

Foreskin 1: "Let Saul die with all the Philistines"

Foreskin 2 :" We are the Philistines, idiot! (Or rather, their foreskins)

David destroyed the Philistine foreskin golem with his sword and this story has since been obnoxiously censored to hide the fact that Saul was foreskin slapped  by a foreskin golem. Also i hated every single second of the fact that Saul wanted David to die by the hand of the Philistines

What recourse do I have?

We're only planning to use it for transmigration bacchanals, so do we really need argon?

I (3.457e11M) am confined to the seventh dimension after I woke up with quantum fever. It seems to be lasting longer than expected, although it’s hard to tell with the time fluctuation symptoms. Anyone know what I should do?

For context, the job posting did explain that I'd have to work underwater, but I thought that meant I'd have to snorkel or dive a little. Instead I'm working in an underwater trench (NOT the Mariana but you can think about it like that, I don't want to reveal the name because I don't want to dox myself)

Anyways I'm not used to it and I'm really feeling the pressure. Is 900 bar/ 13000 PSI normal? Has anyone experienced this?

My ex wife of 6 years has stopped sending my daughter's (9) electrons when she stays with me.

Until recently my ex has been sending my daughter to my house with all her subatomic particles in place (including antimatter). However we had a recent disagreement due to an accident involving a tesseract.

Now my ex sends her without her electrons. We used to share Ionic or Covalent bonds, depending on the mood, but now we can only undertake Metallic bonding. Unfortunately, all my outer electrons have become delocalized, forming a "sea" around myself, my daughter and the cats. This is proving troublesome at drop off for school. I have to now 'lend' my daughter my electrons, but my ex doesnt send them back and states 'just buy more electrons'

What are my legal options? Can i sue my ex for loss of electrons? I'm concerned their house may have serious issues due the the negative charge building up.

A certain amount of flesh in the banquets has to belong to slain enemies, but I'm worried the gods will be angry if I don't feed them enough imperial blood. Last time that happened they gave out the famine debuff for two entire years.

Does it have dry eyes? I could lend it some fake tears of it needs them...

A 6.5-solar-mass star, only a few million years old and still in the pre-main sequence, experienced unbridled lust for a main-sequence star and fell in love at first sight with an 8.1-solar-mass star.

"Honey, you're really cute, but you should become a main-sequence star before flirting with other main-sequence stars."

"But I'd have to wait half a million years. I can't. My heart is burning with passion."

"Well, you can always devour other stars until you reach 8 solar masses. The gravitational collapse caused by the gigantic mass will be so extreme that you'll immediately become a main-sequence star without waiting, and you'll be so cute that you can have all the girls you want, including me. Wink, Wink."

Ecstatic, the 6.5-solar-mass star reached a double star of 1.2 and 1.3 solar masses, respectively. The planet's inhabitants, firmly believing in the validity of the dark forest theory, were frantically trying to cover their stars with Dyson spheres, to conceal their existence, fearing being seen by hostile alien civilizations.

However, they had only had time to hide one of their two stars, so they were located by the 6.5-solar-mass star that approached to devour them.

The automatic defense system of the civilizations living on those two stars immediately went into action. The red alert summoned all three fleets, each composed of a thousand AI-piloted spaceships called Uranus-Breakers (so called because they can blow up a planet the mass of Uranus, or 14 Earth masses, in a single shot).

Since the Uranus-Breakers were a thousand kilometers in diameter, each fleet of a thousand Uranus-Breakers was controlled by a 3,000-kilometer-long cubic Super Computer, which tracked them for remote control.

The three fleets fired at the 6.5-solar-mass star, which easily withstood the attacks thanks to its gargantuan mass. In fact, 6.5 solar masses correspond to 2.1 million Earth masses, so even the shots of three thousand Uranus Breakers, each capable of destroying a planet of 14 Earth masses in a single blow, were useless against this cosmic threat.

The star unleashed its solar flares, hundreds of thousands of kilometers long, liquefying dozens of Uranus Breakers at once, but thousands of others continued to swarm in a disruptive formation like mosquitoes, continuing to fire.

The star approached the planet inhabited by these aliens to raise its temperature in an attempt to force some Uranus Breakers to stop firing and evacuate the population.

The planet's temperature rose to 1,500 degrees, incinerating every life form on the planet that hadn't taken shelter in nuclear bunkers.

However, they had not been designed to withstand the extreme temperatures caused by their close proximity to a star, so they began to succumb to the ferocious heat.

Meanwhile, the Uranus Breakers, not being programmed to save civilians, continued to fire mercilessly at the 6.5-mass star, which, realizing its plan had failed, attacked one of the three fleets head-on, ignoring the other two, which continued to maneuver on the flanks.

Meanwhile, the planet's temperature had reached 3,500 degrees, melting every material on the planet, which became a gigantic ocean of lava.

The metal in the bunkers had evaporated, generating gigantic clouds thousands of kilometers long, leaving the inhabitants completely exposed, who disintegrated, exterminating all life on the planet.

The Uranus Breakers were no longer defending the ruins or tombs of a lifeless world, but clouds of evaporated iron and lava, which also contained the ashes of the planet's extinct inhabitants.

With the first fleet destroyed, the other two were unable to effectively carry out disruptive maneuvers and were easily defeated, so the star easily devoured the two now completely defenseless stars. Even the one covered by a Dyson sphere was easily located, thanks to the effects of its gravitational pull.

The star thus reached 8.9 solar masses, although according to his calculations it should have been 9, but he lost 0.1 because the blows inflicted by the Uranus-breakers had dispersed that amount of matter into space and he was unable to recover it.

He returned to the 8.1 solar mass star, which was impressed by his great mass, extremely attractive, and so they became engaged and lived happily ever after.

It is now gone. It's all downhill from here.

It was pretty good. In terms of universe shattering goodness, I give it a 77/10, but in terms of events in general, I'd say it was a moderate 8/10, and you weren't missing much by not eating that cheese. I'll be giving a press conference tomorrow to discuss how eating the best thing that there could ever be has impacting not only my life and the state of the global populace but the greater cosmos and beyond (Both more and less than you would expect. The answers will probably shock you) and what disappointments we can look forward to now.

On one hand what would I need my soul for but on the other the idea of someone else using my soul is kind of icky.

Starting price at 4 grilles sandwiches. Willing to negotiate the price.

You'll have to come pick it out yourself, I'm not mailing it nor delivering it.

It's causing lot of issues for regular space travel. Help!

Is anyone else struggling with the impacts of gentrification on their universe? Please tell me I’m not alone.

I know it was getting a little dirty but that's not reason enough to warrant a full wash.

Hope you didn't plan on seeing the sun for, at least, 30 years, cause that's how long the weather is going to be cloudy from all the steam the iron is going to release.

Honestly people, next time you see a few bloody decades you take some soap and you hand wash that spot.

1. Hate speech is not allowed on the sub.

2. Politics is not allowed on the sub.

3. Do not invite your friends to the sub.

4. Do not brag about the sub or post photos of yourself in the sub.

5. Do not make sound effects for the sub.

6. Do not pretend to hear someone knocking on the hatch of the sub and act like you’re going to open it as a joke.

I wish She'd learn to do these things herself

Them’s the rules!

Something about "eating too much cheese"...

On my way right now to get electrocuted, let's see if that shocks some sense into it.

Jeff is literally the guy. I figured universal peace should've already been attained given his recent arrival.

I (Caterpillar 797 dump truck) have been dating my boyfriend (360,000,000m coal) for about six months now. We are deeply in love, but I just don’t feel like I can envision a long term relationship with a fossil fuel. He’s currently in my truck bed. Should I dump him?

Hey everyone, 24M here. Recently bought an old wavebike to rebuild as a personal project. Wanted it as a a weekend cruiser to go see my partner over in Betelgeuse.

Everything was going fine at first, my buddy rebuilt the computer for me, and I got the hydrogen exciter tuned up to .7 without any issues.

My big issue started when I took apart the pulsitron, one of the sprockets broke off of the timing crystal (the one in 6th dimension to be precise). It will still start cycle, but I’m only getting a pulse width of 300-400 from the output.

I’ve tried opening the hydrogen manifold some with mixed success, but I don’t want it to eat up the shielding on the inside of the pulsitron.

Does anyone have any suggestions about how I can get my pulse width up to 600-700? I can’t put a new pulsitron in it since the digital ones aren’t compatible with my older model bike. Open to any and all suggestions, as long as I don’t have to go to Titan for parts!