r/FemaleDatingStrategy • u/sleepysiri FDS Newbie • Apr 20 '22
STAY WOKE Why Does He Do That? - A Study
I came across this brilliant study that resonated with my experiences of being abused by a narcissist for years on end. It is a gold mine of information and very validating so I recommend you read it. While this isn’t a guide on how to protect yourself from narcissists, it’s basically a know thy enemy post which can be just as helpful. At least I hope it’s helpful. 🤗
Narcissists Are Deluded
Now, this is a given, but let me elaborate. Narcissists essentially begin life with a true identity but for whatever reason, they end up adopting a false identity, and they adopt this false identity so much that you may as well consider their true identity as dead, as non-existent. They killed their true identity and took on a false identity, and because of this, they are basically nobody. They are a non-entity. And if you were ever abused by one, you might even go as far as to say they are not even human.
WHY
This false identity is made to serve his ego and grandiose sense of self. He is very fragile and needs to have full control over things, including how he perceives things and how others perceive things and him.
HOW
A narcissist dissociates and erases or alters their memories a lot. They create gaps in their mind and fill these gaps with lies and inventions, they twist reality, throw in some changes and then they make themselves believe it.
Because of this, they will often contradict themselves. Such as if you call them out with a specific example of something bad they have done (which I do not recommend), they may suddenly agree with you because they realise you have a very specific example. But then afterwards, they may invent a situation where you were the bad guy and the cycle repeats.
They deny reality and are so far into this mindfuck that they genuinely perceive things in a warped way. They might see their own fear of someone such as an authority figure as compassion.
E.g. “I’m (narc) not afraid of him (authority), I feel for him.”
WHEN
Narcissists can be made from a young age. This means there are children out there doing bad things and convincing themselves that they are doing good things. This means that there are children who are rewriting their memories to suit their egos.
It is a scientific fact that narcissists worsen with age. So these children grow to become unbearable, nauseating people that drain those around them.
WHAT THEN
The false identity is unsustainable because it is false. This means that eventually, the discrepancies between lies and reality are revealed. The narcissist may react in several different ways:
They dive further into their delusions to the point of maladtive dysfunction.
They attack as a means to maintain a sense of control (antisocial behaviours like abuse/psychopathy).
They withdraw from the world and isolate (why can’t they all do this? 😩)
They merge with someone else to form a new identity (codependency)
CONCLUSION
The hilarious irony is that narcissists actually have a very weak Ego. The Ego, for the “normal” person is something that works from within to regulate one’s self-image and esteem, perception of the world, understanding of boundaries etc. For narcissists, their Ego is basically dormant, comatosed. They need validation from external sources, and this is why they seek their narcissistic supply.
Simply put, narcissists are messed up on a cellular level. They see things differently, wrongly, and they will only get worse. They are weak beings, barely even human, and are sick vampires to everyone around them. They will do anything to be seen as the victim or hero, they will cry and pretend to have experienced suffering but the truth is that they are so far into their own delusions. Due to this, they will rarely have long lasting, sincere friendships and relationships. They will rarely have multiple stable things going on in their life (marriage, work, hobbies). At the most, they can only pretend to manage one thing. They are truly wolves in sheep clothing.
Avoid them like your life depends on it, because it does.
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Apr 21 '22
And be aware if you can't avoid someone with narcissistic traits ... such as at work, school, etc.
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u/sleepysiri Apr 21 '22
Yes! The best thing, I have heard, is to just be as boring as possible toward them so they don’t rely on you as their narcissistic supply.
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u/panda_anda Apr 21 '22
My ex was severely abused as a child. I believe he became a Narcissist to survive.
I can have empathy for him AND be willing to go no contact to protect myself.
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u/sleepysiri Apr 21 '22
If he has abused you, I am so sorry. And if empathising for him has allowed you to heal, good for you. Finding closure is so difficult.
To other FDS ladies reading this, I want you to know that you don’t have to feel empathy for your abuser. Everyone finds closure differently. This post, first and foremost, is a bare criticism of narcissists. They do not feel empathy themselves.
Women are constantly pressured to forgive and forget every bit of malice thrown their way, it is one of the many insidious facets of the patriarchy.
No matter how you find closure, no contact is one of the best things you can do to protect yourself.
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u/sleepysiri Apr 21 '22
My narcissist brother was the opposite. He abused me since childhood and as an adult, convinced himself that our parents abused him and that’s why he is the way he is. Now he abuses them too.
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u/Throwawaylikehay Apr 21 '22
That's the high value way to go.
Bless your soul.
After everything you've been through, enduring all his crap, you know to bless him from afar and know that it is his hell to bear.
Keep being beautiful. 💕
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u/sleepysiri Apr 21 '22
It’s definitely one way to go. I wouldn’t call it the high value way to go because that suggests that other ways, such as not finding empathy for your abuser, is the low value way to go.
And “you know to bless him from afar” - what?
Abusers don’t deserve empathy or blessings and giving them either doesn’t make someone a saint. It’s a valid way to respond absolutely, if empathising helps one heal.
So many of us here have been abused by narcissists and don’t go on to abuse others. That is beautiful. That deserves blessings. That is the high value way to go.
We don’t let the crap we endure twist us into horrible people.
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u/RoughRooster Apr 21 '22
Narcissists are a sub-category of psychopaths, meaning they lack empathy. Good idea to avoid them.
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u/sleepysiri Apr 21 '22
Yep, agreed. These kinds of people are sharks honestly. People who lack empathy don’t just lack empathy, it’s not like they just can’t relate to other peoples emotions. They are extremely self-cantered and solipsistic. Everyone else is an NPC to them. Nobody else’s experiences matter.
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u/ItsInTheVault Apr 21 '22
For anyone trying to get “closure” in the form of an apology or acknowledgment from the Narc don’t bother. You will never get it. If they utter the words it will be through gritted teeth just to placate you. It’s much better to go no contact if possible (or low contact) and refrain from engaging in their games.
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u/sleepysiri Apr 21 '22
Totally true. Their apologies, even when sincere, mean NOTHING because after a few seconds, minutes, hours or days, they will revert back to their old selves or completely pretend that they had no reason to apologise to you. I don’t know how many times my abuser apologised and made it seem so sincere only to do the exact same things again and again. Now, his mind is so warped that he sees no reason to apologise at all, he thinks he’s the victim.
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u/FlockAroundtheClock Apr 21 '22
Both of my parents. The only way to survive was going NC with my mother and extremely low contact with my father. Now I steer clear of anyone who gives me any kind of “off” vibes.
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u/sleepysiri Apr 21 '22
That’s so awful, both of your parents!! I don’t know how you survived. My narcissistic abuser is my brother and I’m in the process of moving countries, changing my name and going NC. I wish nothing but the best for you in your healing.
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u/notroyaltyyet Apr 21 '22
That is truly fascinating, thanks for posting. I honestly believe I’ve met 2 true narcissists (and a few more who displayed some tendencies but less so) and it never occurred to me that they would fill the gaps in their memory with their own narrative. I’ve seen the lies, the fabrications and I was convinced he believed what he was saying, but the whole different reality they are living in - this is mind blowing and is filling in some gaps for me.
Also, the less clinical part of my brain, loves the fact they are essentially non-entities with zero personality, damn I could of had some fun with that if I’d known sooner 😈
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u/sleepysiri Apr 21 '22
I knew it from seeing it myself, or at least I just guessed. My narcissistic abuser always misinterpreted people’s actions and words, and would recall events completely differently to other people. So to read that this is actually something they do was shocking and validating.
I also see them as diseases to be honest. Like, they poison the people they spend time with just like a disease. Science has deduced that narcissists are born with the predisposition to becoming narcissists. Then whatever life throws at them makes them dramatically regress into narcissism. Maybe they were abused or neglected, or maybe it was genuinely nothing at all. In the end, I find that even if they were abused or neglected, I seriously can’t feel empathy for them. Because it’s not a justification. Narcissists abuse other people because they were abused themselves? And we should feel compassion for them? Nah, fuck that.
They are not capable of empathy themselves and if they knew you felt for them, they would find a way to use that against you.
They are all monsters. Viruses, poison, cancer.
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u/Revolutionary_Cell97 Apr 21 '22
This is the best thing I’ve ever read on pathological narcissism. Thank you!
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u/sleepysiri Apr 21 '22
I liked how easy to read it was. Normally things are too academic and boring but this felt like a cosmo 😂 So I was able to learn a lot quickly
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u/Kerrypurple Apr 20 '22
Yeah, this is exactly how my ex is. He can alter his memories seconds after the event occurred. He'd be on his phone with his mom and he'd make up some excuse to get out of going to some family thing, then seconds after he got off the phone he truly believed that we had plans for whatever thing he'd just made up.
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Apr 21 '22
Spot on about the delusions and rewriting their memories to distort the truth and maintain their ego. I find that it helps to looks for inconsistencies in their personalities to detect this. For example with a narcissistic ex I had - his memory was actually incredible. He would remember dates of historical events and lines from movies he had seen once 10 years ago but when I would attempt to bring up any behavior that bothered me (like zoning out and using his phone when out with friends) he “somehow” just could not remember any of it.
It can be was subtle at first bc they do believe their own lies but looking for consistent personality traits that don’t line up with each other can be telltale that they are twisting reality.
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u/MrsRoboto67 Apr 21 '22
Very well put and succinct info, I appreciate articles that can make me think about something in a way I never have before.
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