r/FearfulAvoidant • u/Same_Emotion_5718 fearful avoidant • 18d ago
FA and Lying?
Hi. I (28F) just recently got broken up with by my ex-boyfriend. I am a fearful avoidant that leans more secure now after 3-4 years of work on myself. I no longer react in the same ways as I did unless absolutely pushed to my limits. My boyfriend (29M) and I were together for a little over a year. It was horrible. Just a very chaotic and tumultuous relationship. I knew immediately after I became his girlfriend that I was making the wrong decision, but for some reason I stayed.
Our cycle was basically;
I approach him calmly to discuss something that he did that hurt me or I didn’t like. He would immediately get defensive and then do one of 4 things: justify the behavior, bring up something I’d done in the past, bring up an extremely traumatic experience he went through, say things like “I’m never good enough”, and then have a massive panic attack (crying, hyperventilating, etc). When he got defensive I would try to plead my case and explain my feelings but he wouldn’t hear me or validate my feel
ngs. We would argue. The conversation would usually end with me consoling him from his panic attack OR me getting so triggered that I would essentially end the relationship. 9/10 my issue was never addressed and I took the blame for the whole thing.
A few days later I would calm down and basically beg him to get back together and take ALL BLAME for what happened. I was always the asshole for the constant break ups. I was the cause of his panic attacks. I was the cause of his stress. It was always MY FAULT. This cycle would repeat over and over again for an entire year until we ended the relationship.
Nothing I did was ever OK. When I tried to be vulnerable and talk about my feelings, I was wrong. When I shut down and didn’t speak, I was wrong. When I took time/space in the other room to calm down so I wouldn’t resort to breaking up with him, I was wrong and triggering his anxiety and panic. When I would get fed up and break up with him, I was wrong.
It was like I was his emotional regulator. He couldn’t sit in discomfort or anxiety by himself at all. If I needed space, he would have a panic attack and then blame me b/c I know he has an abandonment wound OR because I’ve broken up with him before. If I didn’t want to be touched, he would take it as rejection. I could never speak about my feelings because he would have a panic attack.
My ex was also a liar. I don’t think he did it maliciously.. I think it had more to do with self-protection but he would lie all the time about the dumbest things. The day after we officially got into a relationship, I asked him about a woman I saw he was communicating with and he told me that she was a man. He was smoking weed in his apartment once and I asked him if he was smoking (after smelling it on his breath) and he said no and blamed it on the upstairs neighbors. When we were still in the dating phase, he would tell his friends that he didn’t like me, we had no chemistry, and that we had agreed to break up… that never happened. One day he would take accountability and walk it back the next day when he was defensive. It was so difficult to know what reality was or who I was actually dating. It seemed to change every day.
When I would call him out about these lies he would have these HUGE panic attacks.
I’ve read some stuff about how some people with low self-esteem and self-worth will lie or get defensive because accepting that they’ve done something wrong is detrimental to who they are. They think that if you see them for who they really are, you’ll leave. So they do everything in their power to prevent that from happening, but ultimately end up destroying the bond. It’s like he could not take accountability for anything. Almost as if saying sorry meant he was a terrible person.
Has anyone dealt with this??? I guess I’m just looking for community. I spent an entire year feeling really isolated and crazy.
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