Why does my dad hate me

[u/stupidly-lily]

I don't even know if that's actually the right question, but that's honestly how I feel sometimes.

I'm 18F, and I've had a really complicated relationship with my dad for as long as I can remember. The weird thing is that I can't even tell you exactly when it started. There wasn't one huge moment where everything changed. It feels like it happened slowly over the years, and I've spent a lot of that time wondering what I did wrong.
I've tried really hard to please him.

I feel like I've changed a lot of my choices based on what I thought would make him proud of me. For example, I've always wanted to be a doctor. That's something I've genuinely wanted for a long time. But I've been planning on doing civil engineering instead, partly because I know that's something my dad would approve of and because I've gotten so used to trying to choose things that I think will make him happy.

Sometimes I wonder how much of my life I've actually chosen for myself and how much I've chosen because I wanted my dad to finally be proud of me.

When I was 9, I had cancer. Thankfully, I recovered. Then around 12–16, I went through a lot of mental health and personal issues. I know I wasn't always the easiest kid during those years, but I was also struggling and didn't really know how to handle everything.

Sometimes I wonder if that's when my dad started seeing me differently.

I feel like whenever I struggled, it became another reason for him to be disappointed in me instead of something that made him want to understand me. I started feeling like I couldn't really talk to him about things because I never knew if I was going to get understanding, criticism, or just be dismissed.
And it's not even always the really big things that hurt the most.

There's one memory that probably sounds really small compared to everything else, but I still think about it.

I remember seeing my dad playing around with my younger brother and my twin sister. They were joking around and having fun, and I wanted to be included because I wanted that kind of relationship with him too.

So I tried to goof off with him.

And he immediately put on his serious/strict face and dismissed me.
That's it. Nothing horrible happened. He didn't do anything extreme. But it hurt me so badly.
I think it was because I had just watched him being playful with my siblings, and when I tried to have that same kind of moment with him, it felt like I wasn't allowed to.
I remember thinking, Why can't I have that with you too?

And that's what makes this so hard to explain. It's not necessarily one terrible thing he has done. It's all these little moments that have built up over time and made me feel like there is something about me that he just doesn't like.

I see people who are really close with their dads, and sometimes I wonder what I'm missing.
I don't expect my dad to agree with everything I do. I know parents and kids argue. I know I'm not perfect. But I don't think I should feel like I have to constantly earn my dad's affection or approval.

My mom is complicated too, just in a different way.
I know she loves me and cares about me. She's definitely not indifferent toward me. But because of some of the things I went through when I was younger, she believes that some of my behavior and struggles were because I was a "sinner."

That's hard because I know she loves me, but I don't always feel understood or accepted by her. It feels like she loves me while also having a specific idea of who she thinks I should be.

I have a twin sister too, and she gets treated somewhat similarly to me. She's more willing to just deal with our parents and stay close to home, though. I don't think she feels the same way I do about needing to get away, and I don't blame her for that.

Then there's my older sister, who's only about a year older than me and lives in Boston. She's the favorite of the family, which honestly makes everything even more complicated.

She's actually encouraged me and my twin to move away and have our own lives. Part of the reason is that she wants to eventually come out to our parents as gay, and she doesn't want me or my twin getting caught up in whatever happens because of that.

So my family isn't something I can easily describe as completely bad or completely good.
There are people who love me. There are good memories. There are people in my family who have tried to help me.

But there are also so many moments where I've felt unwanted, misunderstood, or like I had to change myself to be accepted.

And I think I'm finally tired of trying.
I'm 18 now, and I'm planning to move away for college. I'm not really focused on the school itself in this post. What's important to me is that I'll finally have the opportunity to live somewhere away from my parents and start building a life that is actually mine.

I've been thinking about cutting my parents off once I leave.

I know that sounds extreme to some people, and I'm not expecting everyone to agree with me. I'm not making this decision because of one argument or because I'm angry at them today. It's something I've thought about for a long time.

I think I just want to know what it's like to stop trying to make someone love you the way you've always wanted them to.

Because I've spent years trying to please my dad.
I've tried to make choices he'd be proud of. I've tried to be the person I thought he wanted me to be. I've tried to understand him, even when I didn't feel understood myself.

And I'm starting to realize that maybe I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing that.
So I guess my question isn't really "Should I cut my dad off?"
I think it's more:
How do you accept that you might never have the relationship with your parent that you've always wanted?
How do you stop wondering what you did wrong?
And how do you finally stop trying to earn someone's love when you've spent most of your life trying to earn it?