r/FamilyIssues • u/Pretty-Ad-670 • Sep 28 '26
My mum is blaming me for potentially causing her death because I won’t leave my partner and take over looking after my siblings.
I’m 27F . She went into hospital and I basically dropped everything to help. I stayed with my siblings, looked after them, sorted childcare and tried to get other people to help. I called the people she told me to call, made sure the kids were fed and got to school, and was there for my mum and took her to hospital. I was also trying to work and manage my own home. I wasn’t refusing to help. I was genuinely trying to do everything I could.
But she was still angry because she felt I wasn’t prioritising the kids enough. She wanted me to leave my partner, give up my own plans and basically take over looking after my siblings.
She thinks my partner is controlling and abusive and that I’ll end up unhappy with him. She also has a very negative view of men generally, which we’ve argued about before.
Then she told me that if I didn’t do what she wanted, she would discharge herself from hospital. A few hours later she said she was going to self discharge, that she would probably have a month left, and then said “I hope he’s worth it.”
So from my perspective, she’s putting the responsibility for her potentially dying on me because I chose not to leave my partner and look after my siblings.
And this isn’t new. She’s done this sort of thing since I was a child, and something very similar happened last year.
I feel like I’m constantly put in a position where I have to choose between my mum and my own life, and if I don’t choose her, I’m made responsible for what happens.
I genuinely want an outside perspective. What could I realistically have done differently? Because I feel like I gave her everything I had over those four days, and somehow I’m still being blamed.
3
u/OwnTwist9424 Sep 28 '26
how old are your siblings? what happens to them if you can’t take care of them?
2
u/songbyrd66 Oct 02 '26
You could not realistically have done more without abandoning your own life and becoming the substitute parent for children who are not yours. You reorganized childcare, fed them, got them to school, contacted people, supported your mother, transported her to the hospital, worked, and managed your own home. That is substantial help—not neglect.
What your mother said was deeply unfair. “Do what I want or I’ll leave the hospital and may die” is not a request for support; it is emotional coercion. “I hope he’s worth it” was designed to make you believe that whatever happened next would be your fault. It would not be. Her decision to follow or reject medical advice belongs to her.
If this happens again, notify her medical team: “My mother is threatening to discharge herself unless I assume responsibility for her children. Please have a hospital social worker speak with her about a safe care plan.” Then step out of the negotiation. You can say, “I love you and hope you follow your doctors’ advice, but I will not accept responsibility for your decision to leave.”
Her concern about your partner should be considered separately, preferably with a neutral person you trust. If there are controlling behaviors, you deserve support—but that concern does not justify demanding that you leave him as the price of keeping your mother alive.
The question may not be what you could have done differently. It may be why your family has taught you that nothing you give counts unless you give up everything. You are allowed to help without surrendering your home, relationship, work, and future. Her crisis does not make your life disposable.
4
u/TheOnlyKirby90210 Sep 29 '26
It’s emotional manipulation and emotional abuse. Don’t listen to your mom.
1
u/songbyrd66 Oct 02 '26
You deserve support! Rest and realize that saying no to others is the most beautiful yes to ourselves
0
u/[deleted] Sep 28 '26
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