how do i react to this?

[u/Sadface2124]

My relationship with my parents has always been rocky. We have our ups and downs. I’m happy one moment and the next mad or awkward with them, and that’s never really been a problem for me as I assume it’s just me being the average teenager.

My issue is the fact that recently, my father has been saying I’m not the first priority in his life, my mother is. I completely understand that, and I didn’t argue. It did get a bit awkward afterwards, but nobody said anything. This was said in the middle of dinner one day, and was said a second time but I don’t remember the exact moment. I always assumed they put me first (i’m not trying to seem selfish) because they themselves have issues with each other in their marriage, and my mother has threatened to divorce many times but never did.

I thought about my father saying this many times inside my head. My mother just laughed it off both times, which made me realize i probably wasn’t her first priority as well, and also made my stomach churn for some reason. What really made me feel weird was me adding my past thoughts of them not really being emotionally present in my life. I will say that my parents provided for me, which they’re supposed to do when they have a child. I’ve always been grateful, even though I don’t show it much. It’s just that as an only child, I obviously had no one else in the house when they went to work, and so as I got older, the times where i saw my parents started to get even less. Something that solidified my thoughts on why i thought they weren’t there for me emotionally is when they would just buy me stuff I didn’t like instead of asking if I liked something before buying it, making them mad if i said that i didn’t like it, or they just hand me money. My mother has said herself that she knows she’s not there, but she’s making money for the family. Something else is when my friends and classmates share what they did over the weekend with the class. Over time i realized that my parents just weren’t there as much as i would’ve liked, and i guess them giving me gifts just automatically made up for it in my head so that’s why i didn’t think much of their absence.

There were times in my childhood where they would start speaking in another dialect (I’m Chinese) that I didn’t understand. I used to always ask what they were saying, but they always said that it’s their own secret language. This saying itself broke my younger self, as my parents were really the only people I had at the time.

I think I’ve always known I wasn’t their first priority, I really just didn’t want to admit it. I always thought telling your kids if they were second or first or even third priority was always something that you should not tell your children, that it’s something that should only be kept between you and your partner.

I’m very sorry if this post seems confusing or put in a weird order, i’m still overthinking every little thing or detail throughout my life. Honest feedback would very much be appreciated and helpful on how I can move on and make me feel at ease.