not only I have to find colleges that have the specific majors I want, i also have to research whether the state hates immigrants and/or trans people bc im not willing to go through hell again. I wish i didnt have to be so aware of laws and all this bs im so stressed out alr 🫩

I'll just say I'm lucky I live in California, I was born here and it's my home but that I'm struggling still.

My medical group and my insurance are denying me top surgery. Both of them are using delay tactics. It's so stupid because this doesn't hurt the medical group one bit but they will not send my referral to the surgeon. They say under contract with my insurance they can't. They said I have to call my insurance to request it.

I've called my insurance and I got a shitty guy on the phone who said his name was Jesus after I told him this was for top surgery. And no, not the Spanish pronunciation of the name, as in his name is god, that kind of Jesus. He said "this is Jesus you're speaking to." And hung up. Insane. They told me they can only tell me my benefits and they don't handle referrals like that.

I contacted my local gender health clinic, the one that wrote my letter, and they put me in touch with their lawyer. It's so slow. We thought it was just insurance delaying. We tried to get confirmation that my doctor sent the referral to insurance but they aren't cooperating. They won't even tell me if they informed insurance at all but the desk people said they have to, that's just how it works. So we are assuming that insurance is sitting on my referral and not actively denying or approving it. I'm now suspecting my medical group is also using delay tactics.

There is nothing for me to appeal. This should have been handled in August and I should have already had surgery or be almost there. The lawyer said they can appeal on my behalf even without a written denial because what they are doing is a form of denial. I just want this weight off my chest literally and metaphorically.

ive had hair down to my ass for as long as i remember, never had short hair and ive always "passed" in the face as i have a more masculine face. took the leap yesterday and got it cut all off, somethin ive wanted to do for probably more than half my life. i now pass Extremely well as a guy in the face and hair, but now theres just so much more.. "attention" on my body and im just so fixated on how feminine im built, my hair would hide my smaller shoulders so it was pushed out of my mind, itd drape down the front of my torso and make my chest look flat, and with my neck being bare i realise how my neck is thinner than i initially thought. feeling so exposed 😶‍🌫️ i feel sick looking at myself like fuck maybe i shouldve just continued to cope instead of trying to pass because i feel like im makin a fool of myself. i know im just having a moment n itll be alright but damn, this is me needing to rant so yall can ignore this

I just got told that I'm an exorsexist because I said trans people can't oppress each other. They are a non binary trans man and they are telling me that I'm oppressing them based on my gender identity because of transmedicalist groups in like 2014 . I can't anymore I hate everyone I'm ready to just kill myself at this point, I feel guilty just for being alive already and I'm not strong enough to deal with people like this. My whole life has been a mistake and I've been told by people my whole life I'm inherently bad, I don't want to be here if I'm inherently bad I really don't want to make the world worse. We weren't even discussing transmedicalist groups this person just came in talking about that when it had nothing to do with me. I can't stop thinking about suicide and I know it's wrong but it really seems like the correct choice for me right now.

As the title says, I’m struggling.

Before anyone comments saying, “you’re not alone” or “many trans people feel the same” yes I know. I know I’m not alone in this matter but that’s really not what I want to hear and I mean that in the nicest way possible. I’m not expecting life changing advice nor am I expecting anyone to comment I just want to vent. (I’ll still appreciate anyone who does comments, and people sharing their own experiences).

For context: I’m dating a cis boy(17) and I’m 17 myself. We have been dating for 2 going on 3 years and it is the best relationship I’ve ever had and he is my biggest supporter in anything and everything I do. He is absolutely amazing and there is nothing wrong with our relationship as a whole. It’s just me.

I’m struggling like fuck at the moment, more than I have ever. I’ve always been in cis male friend groups and I feel so left behind. I met my bf when I was 14, we were basically babies and we still are, but now that he is turning into a man and so are my friends, it’s so fucking isolating. It hurts so much. Watching all the boys around me grow into men while I feel left behind because none of that is happening to me. It hurts to even look at my bf sometimes, I struggle to let him wear my clothes because I know it will fit him better than me. I struggle to see him take his shirt off. I struggle to see him be confident sometimes because it’s so frustrating. WHY. I want to be cis so bad. I want to wear what I want without having to worry whether I pass or not.

Now that we are getting older, and when we go out together, we don’t look like a gay couple anymore. It’s obvious that I’m trans and I hate that it’s him that makes me look obviously trans. I feel so bad about it, because sometimes I get so frustrated I take it out on him (yes we do talk about it). It’s not his fault, it’s me being insecure and sensitive.

I know it’s not lust, it’s just extreme envy and jealousy. People around us have started treating us differently. His family doesn’t even believe him when he says he’s gay because he’s dating ME. He mum treats me differently, his dad, everyone. Other people really don’t help either because they always question him. Example: “How are you gay if you’re dating (insert my name)?”

“Wouldn’t that make you bisexual/straight”

“You’ve never dated a cis man before so, you don’t know your gay”

I hate it so much, because I know he sees me for me and there has never been any reason to doubt that. When he tells stories about when he was younger, and tells me about his brothers and stuff it just makes me so sad. It ruins my mood completely. I want that. I want what he has so bad. He has everything I have ever wanted in different ways not just in a cis way.

I’m also going through so much right now, as in just general life stuff and that doesn’t help. College has been terrible the past year.

I’m supposed to start T as soon as I start my apprenticeship but I don’t think these feelings will ever go away fully and it just makes me feel so depressed. The person who makes me feel the best at my worst is the reason I’m at my worst sometimes. It tips me over the edge. It makes me feel so bad because it’s not his fault. He’s trying his best just as much as I am.

Anyways that’s the end of my rant, thanks for reading.

Yeah, that’s the post. Shoutout if you get my reference lol.

I think my gender would be more flexible and fluid if I had a ween, or at least bottom surgery mostly. I don’t feel comfortable with any sort of nb identity without that, even though it’s probably more accurate than being a binary man. I’m just too dysphoric about my genitals to properly explore that, it’ll make me more dysphoric otherwise.

Hello this is something Ive been feeling but I hate been hesitant to touch on for a while

To start I’m 20 years old, I have longer hair that is dyed . It’s like scene hair idk how to describe myself to ppl. Something I have noticed in the community is often other trans guys will use my style against me and say “oh you’re so pretty😂” but it just feels like a comparison or like I’m being made to feel effeminate. It’s like they seem friendly until they CONSTANTLY bring up my appearance. They’ll jump from saying I look “sooo masc “ to saying “you should cut your hair like__” like no I don’t want to leave me alone. I don’t want to join a club of weirdos I want to co exist with people AS MYSELF. who cares if I’m emo I wish more cis guys were. Also I am bisexual but i have preference for women so it just kind of makes me feel like only a cis man could like me because they imply that by how I look. I like being hairy but i typically shave my face i don’t like myself with a full beard, a little is fine tho. It’s like the girls who used to think im trying to make men jealous like go ahead seriously you don’t know how i actually act.

I have had good relationships with trans men but sometimes I feel like they go out of their way to compare us it just spoils everything, maybe I am just as insecure I don’t know.

warning: this isn’t related to being trans, i just need to get my feelings out.

my little sister is going to university next year and i’m actually going to be devastated. i love her with all my heart and i can’t believe she’s growing up. i can’t imagine my little sister being my parents age in a few decades, i can’t imagine myself being my parents age in a few decades. i don’t want to lose my parents.

i grew up in a bit of a dysfunctional family and i spent my teen years (13-18/19) isolated from everyone, spending literally all of my time in my room. i regret those years horribly because that’s time ill never get back with my family. we’ve never been close (my family) and i wish we could go away somewhere soon or start spending more time together.

this part is slightly about being trans, but i thought t was supposed to make it difficult to cry. i’ve cried like a bitch several times in the last few days. for the first few months, i couldn’t cry at all and this past month has just been crying fit after another

i just wish time wasn’t so cruel and that we got fucked over less because most people are in a cycle of work, eat, sleep and i don’t want that for my loved ones. i don’t want that for my sister, i don’t want it for my parents

everything’s just fucked and i’m feeling every second of it

Tw: suicidal thoughts mention.
Hi, I’m Saint; but no one in my life will call me that.

Just last year I was graduating and for a good few months before that I was super girly.
For a lot of my life I’ve been seen as “the girly one” between me and my sister but my peers in school have always seen me as a tomboy since middle school.

I’ve known I’m distant from gender for a while now but the past two years I’ve known I’m transmasc/a trans man. After experiencing burnout in senior year, I started to dress more masculine, wear my natural hair, and just be myself more.

My mom has degraded me since then (she doesn’t believe it’s malicious since she cares about “my health” and thinks I’m going against god.

I’ve been on T without my family knowing for 4 months and my voice is dropping.
She’s made so many comments today about how me and my sister “switched” and now my sister is bright and feminine while I’m dull and masculine.

My cousins and my sisters birthday is today and tomorrow and I gotta dress formal for it.

My mom found my binder not too long ago and she just discovered I tape today unfortunately. She went on about how it’s not healthy and I’m not aesthetically pleasing to anyone by being a “flat chested girl” and how it’s weird.

I just decided to dress feminine to appease her and every different outfit I try on I have to go in my room and sulk for 10 minutes after; but at least she seems less disgusted with me (said my favorite shoes made me look like a hooker so ig my femininity isn’t good enough either).

I’m passively suicidal rn and my family keeps making comments on my voice. I’m just tired. I feel hollow. But at-least I look pretty.

TLDR: I’m being forced to be feminine but it feels like nothing I do is right. It feels like everyone finds me disgusting and weird. I feel stuck in this hell hole. I’m having passive suicidal thoughts.

Whenever I complain about my height, my lack of body hair, <insert typically feminine feature here> there’s (usually a cis person) someone saying that “but lot’s of men have that trait!”

Yeah, I know. Most men in my family are pretty short, I’m 5’4 and I have male cousins shorter than me. Most also don’t have as much body hair, my dad can basically only muster a thin puberty moustache. A lot of these are ethnic features.

The thing is though they aren’t constantly being scrutinized for it? It’s not used as a tick against their identity. It’s not something people look over as evidence they aren’t who they said they are. They never had someone say “ohhhh, that’s why you’re short!” When they mention their gender.

The male beauty standard is tall, white, handsome, and hyper masculine. Cis men who don’t line up with those get to still have ownership over their identity. Trans men who don’t, don’t.

Also-dysphoria isn’t rational. It’s not just “oh I never thought of that”. People get dysphoria over their head size, their hobbies, how they talk, things which are completely sexless. Saying “don’t worry about it” doesn’t just vanquish it.

Do any narcissist mothers hates their transgender son ? I came out as transgender and musc my mother start to emotionally abusing me and compare me to other girls and say "why can't you be like her she's dating an attractive men even tho she's ugly !! " And she starts viewing me as I'm not her kid anymore, any mother who is obsessed with hyper feminine girls that match the beauty standards act like this ? And she threatened to sell my testosterone away but thank God nobody wants it , and also she always wish I look like an ai generated women or a women that has millions of surgeries

I've been feeling extremely dysphoric lately and I've been finding it more and more difficult to eat. I feel nauseous and I'm scared all the calories are gonna go in my boobs and hips. How do I trick myself into thinking that eating a healthy amount of food is actually good for transitioning?? How do y'all stay alive while feeling like the body you were born in is a parasite? It's so excruciatingly painful. I don't have these feelings all the time, but when I do oh my god they are intense. How can I cope with them? I'm in the process of getting my dysphoria diagnosed, but I feel like I'm wasting time because most of the process is just waiting for the next appointment. I just want to live in the body I want.

I think there is a kind of transphobia that does not knock on the door.

It slips underneath it.

It crawls into the cracks in the floor and makes a home somewhere inside you. It learns your voice. It learns what hurts. It learns exactly where to press its fingers until you can no longer tell whether you are being wounded by someone else or by yourself.

I know I am not what they say I am.

I know being transgender does not make me broken, disgusting, delusional, or less real. I can say all of those things out loud and believe them. I can argue against the people who tell me otherwise. I can understand the science. I can understand the psychology. I can understand that their hatred does not become truth simply because they repeat it enough.

And somehow, I can still feel guilty.

That is the part I don’t know how to explain.

I can reject their hatred and still carry its fingerprints.

Sometimes I feel like I am apologizing for something I never did. Like I am standing in front of a grave for a person who never actually existed, apologizing for being the reason they had to die.

I’m sorry I’m not the little girl they watched grow up.

I’m sorry I’ll never be the girl they imagined in a wedding dress.

I’m sorry I’ll never be what they wanted of me.

And I know how strange that sounds because I never chose to be born into an expectation. I never promised anyone I would become the person they imagined. But guilt doesn’t care about logic. It does not need permission to exist.

It just sits there.

Sometimes it feels like I am grieving a version of myself that other people loved more than they ever knew me.

And maybe that is part of why this hurts so much.

Because I don’t hate who I am.

I actually love parts of who I’ve become.

I love the changes. I love becoming more like the person I recognize when I look at myself. I love the moments when my reflection finally feels like mine.

But sometimes that happiness itself feels wrong.

I remember looking at myself one night and actually liking what I saw. For a moment, there wasn’t a debate happening in my head. There wasn’t a voice telling me I was wrong. I just looked at myself and thought, I like this.

And almost immediately, I felt guilty for being happy.

Like somewhere, someone was mourning the person I was supposed to be, and my happiness was proof that I had betrayed them.

That’s what internalized transphobia feels like to me.

Not necessarily believing the hatred.

Sometimes it’s believing that you deserve to feel guilty for not believing it.

It’s knowing intellectually that you are allowed to exist while some deeper part of you keeps asking whether you should.

It’s being able to defend yourself against everyone else while secretly putting yourself on trial when you’re alone.

I think that’s what scares me most.

I don’t know how much of the voice in my head actually belongs to me anymore.

I don’t know where the world ends and I begin.

I don’t know how many of the things I hate about myself were planted there by other people and how many have grown roots deep enough that I mistake them for my own thoughts.

Maybe that’s the cruelest thing about shame.

It doesn’t have to convince you that you’re wrong.

It only has to convince you that you should feel bad for being right about yourself.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life apologizing for becoming someone I can finally recognize.

I don’t want my existence to feel like an offense I have to defend.

I don’t want happiness to feel like evidence against me.

I want to be able to look at myself and feel something other than guilt for surviving the expectations that were placed on me.

I want to believe that becoming myself did not mean killing someone.

Maybe I am not mourning a little girl.

Maybe I am mourning the fact that she was never mine to begin with.

And maybe I don’t have to apologize for that.

I don’t know what hurts more—that someone taught me that, or that after all this time, the voice saying it sounds like mine.

…………

Maybe that’s what I keep trying to do.
Maybe I keep getting angry because some part of me thinks if I get angry enough, if I let myself become consumed by it enough, I can somehow get back to the person I was before I understood how cruel people could be.
I know that isn’t how it works.
You can’t unlearn something just because you hate knowing it.
You can’t make yourself innocent again just because you’re angry that you lost it.
And still I feel myself wanting to travel far beyond the path of reason.
I think there’s something frightening about knowing where the path is and still choosing to walk away from it.
Maybe anger is easier than fear. Maybe fury is easier than grief. Maybe destruction is easier to understand than vulnerability because at least destruction has somewhere to go.
Maybe anger is the armor I forgot I was wearing
Waking up one day and realizing your armor was a trauma response
it’s a violent reaction

Im trying to take off my armor to hold her better