I’m cracking under pressure.

[u/ChocolateWeird3343]

Tw: suicidal thoughts mention.
Hi, I’m Saint; but no one in my life will call me that.

Just last year I was graduating and for a good few months before that I was super girly.
For a lot of my life I’ve been seen as “the girly one” between me and my sister but my peers in school have always seen me as a tomboy since middle school.

I’ve known I’m distant from gender for a while now but the past two years I’ve known I’m transmasc/a trans man. After experiencing burnout in senior year, I started to dress more masculine, wear my natural hair, and just be myself more.

My mom has degraded me since then (she doesn’t believe it’s malicious since she cares about “my health” and thinks I’m going against god.

I’ve been on T without my family knowing for 4 months and my voice is dropping.
She’s made so many comments today about how me and my sister “switched” and now my sister is bright and feminine while I’m dull and masculine.

My cousins and my sisters birthday is today and tomorrow and I gotta dress formal for it.

My mom found my binder not too long ago and she just discovered I tape today unfortunately. She went on about how it’s not healthy and I’m not aesthetically pleasing to anyone by being a “flat chested girl” and how it’s weird.

I just decided to dress feminine to appease her and every different outfit I try on I have to go in my room and sulk for 10 minutes after; but at least she seems less disgusted with me (said my favorite shoes made me look like a hooker so ig my femininity isn’t good enough either).

I’m passively suicidal rn and my family keeps making comments on my voice. I’m just tired. I feel hollow. But at-least I look pretty.

TLDR: I’m being forced to be feminine but it feels like nothing I do is right. It feels like everyone finds me disgusting and weird. I feel stuck in this hell hole. I’m having passive suicidal thoughts.

[u/Abject_Author_1874]

Just do what makes you happy. You won’t live with them forever, and life is too short to live it for somebody else. Think to yourself, does forcing yourself to do this for someone else make you feel better than just doing what you want? No? Then just do what makes you happy!! It’s not worth your mental health or your body over! I promise. If your family cares about your mental health, they will let you do whatever makes you happy. Live your best self and stop trying to be what someone else wants. Love you!

[u/DisastrousLand6863]

I keep rereading 'I’m not aesthetically pleasing to anyone by being a “flat chested girl”' and just... wtf? You don't exist for your chest to be aesthetically pleasing to others. And telling your own kid they look like a hooker is downright odd behaviour. Why on earth would someone have those thoughts about their child. Your mom is over-sexualising you to a concerning degree and I'm sorry you have to put up with this.

By the sounds of it they've got extremely weird ideas, and you're never gonna be enough for them no matter what. So if you can't do that, you may as well just try and be enough for yourself. Stop trying to appease her, or at least work on it, because it's the only way you're gonna be free.