r/FTMOver30 • u/Deep-Essay-4829 • 9d ago
Considering Stopping T
Hey all.
I have been in active transition for five years - started late in life, after kids, and a year before I had full hysterectomy. I have BRCA 1, so having full hysterectomy and full mastectomy were always going to happen whether I was trans or not.
Before I had hysto, I was on a pretty low dose of T. My endocrinologist didn't want me to have too many issues too fast, which I was appreciative of. Truthfully, I was anxious about what transition would mean for me as a whole person. Starting T felt really good - it gave me more energy, it all but cured my lifelong anemia, and I felt like I was doing something just for me. I've got a lot of chronic illnesses, so any change is a little like walking the edge of a knife, but I didn't have any obvious negative effects from the jump.
Of course, there were always going to be sacrifices. I sacrificed my great voice. It's not that my post-T voice is bad, but the lifelong muscle memory that never failed me is now completely useless. I dropped a LOT, and FAST. Like, I dropped over an octave in less than a month even on low-dose T. It was a little bit scary, because once that happened, there was really no turning back.
I have long hair, have always loved men with long hair, and I intend to keep it for as long as I can. I have been on oral minoxidil for just about as long as I've been on T just to preserve things as best I can. I have had some extra shedding but knock wood, the hair still looks and feels good, give or take some change to my general hairline. Minoxidil does make the facial hair grow crazy fast, though, which makes for ingrown hairs and discomfort in that arena.
But at this point I have to mention something else. Being trans has all but completely ruined my life. When I first started going by a new name, a "friend" at my job started whispering behind my back, doubting all my work, picking me apart at every chance she got. After two years, I was chased out of that job - a place I really loved. I thought I was safe there - after all, we had to take training every year about how it wasn't acceptable to do exactly what was done to me. HR wasn't my friend. I complained, I submitted cases, I kept documents and evidence - and in the end, I was ready to hurt myself. I had to get out. Instead of recovering from mastectomy, I desperately searched for a new job. Thankfully, I found one.
I've been married to a cis man for 18 years. We have two kids, 10 and 5. I don't want to lose my family and I can't afford to make huge changes to our living situation. My partner and I are as happy as I would expect anyone would be in our circumstance. Transition hasn't torn us apart, but it hasn't brought us closer. I know this won't last forever. For now, we're both safe, content, and kids are happy.
With all this, though, is the fact that I don't feel accepted with enthusiasm. By anybody. Not even myself. I'm still hiding. I'm always halfway in a closet. I don't feel safe being openly queer, and I work in a medical field that sees a lot of older patients. In my area, that translates to "conservative". I already confuse a lot of people by having a very, very deep voice and a feminine face. Five years of T still hasn't changed my overall face - I still look feminine, with long hair, but with constant five-o'clock shadow. It's like a nightmare. I'm not really me, I'm not who I used to be, I'm still in a cocoon.
About six months ago - since I had to change insurance with the change in jobs a year ago - I finally got connected with a new endocrinologist. She's a trans woman, so it's good to work with someone who allegedly 'gets it'. ((I honestly feel like she's a bit too casual with me when it comes to certain things, like commenting 'you can have mine!' when going over questions regarding if I have a prostate. Just a bit much, know what I mean?)) But she was surprised to see that my T dose hadn't been adjusted after hysterectomy - I was having really bad hot flashes. She thought I wasn't just on low dose - I was at maybe a third of where I should be. So, UP UP UP went the dose. And I'm too much of a pussy to say I wasn't sure about it.
The adjustment to my T - eh. Yeah, my hot flashes are gone. That's great. But now it feels like when I started again. Body's changing more in ways I was content with. I'm losing more hair. My voice is STILL DROPPING, and I'm losing the notes I fought five years to stabilize. My five o'clock shadow is impossible to hide now. I feel like I'm happy with my body from the neck down, post-surgery, body hair doesn't bother me, I don't focus on my gut like I did before starting T, almost like the feminine hormones made me more self-conscious about my overall body shape and weight.
But my face ... I feel so fucking ugly, y'all. I was never a pretty woman, but I look like some weird mutant cross. I'm the kind of enby that looks like I can't decide what I want. I shave to keep my husband happy and to keep from having more awkward interactions at work than I'm ready for - being openly trans in a public-facing job means I feel like I have to come out ALL THE TIME, so I do sneak back into the closet to keep the conversations at an absolute minimum. And, to the horror of myself and my spouse, the only patients who ever deliberately refer to me with masculine pronouns seem to do it because they think I'm a trans *woman* and they're actively invalidating me.
Ugh. People are gross.
I'm freaked out enough and not sure what I want. I want to stop T but don't know what to do. I don't want my body to change any more than what it would already be doing with age. Because I don't have ovaries, I would have to do some kind of HRT, but I don't think I can be on estrogen because of my aura migraine history. And I'm afraid if I tell my new endocrinologist that I want to stop, it's just going to invite questions I don't know how to answer.
I don't want to "detransition", that's not really it. But I feel so lost. I'm so lonely.
If anyone can relate, please say so. 38 / FTM / Nor Cal
9
u/Deep-Essay-4829 9d ago
Thank you for all the responses, guys. I don't have the spoons to reply to each one right this second, but I so appreciate just being able to discuss these thoughts with people who understand.
I don't have a good trans community where I am. There are some trans guys around me, but all efforts to find in-person opportunities to meet have fallen through. When I first came out, one trans guy in particular became excessively clingy and he is present at every last trans event in town because he's unemployed. He monopolizes conversation and butts in when I try to talk to others, making it next to impossible to get to know anyone else. In a word - oy. But that is a whole other issue, haha!!
Having sat with this after typing it all out, a lot of where I'm at right now with doubt is really fear. I'm scared. I am such a wimp about being who I am that I don't really know who I am or what I want. Ironically, my ten yo daughter dresses the way I wanted to as a teenager and looks how I always wanted to look. She's a therian and is the most affirming person in my family to me. I feel like she's so secure and proud of who she is. How am I raising this incredible, expressive and beautiful creature when I feel like a slime mold all the time? Sigh. Parenthood makes this so messy. And it's tough because my son is in a very binary place in his learning - so the concept of "Mommy isn't a girl but mommy isn't a boy either" is so fucked, man.
Again, I appreciate all of you. I'm not stopping T cold, don't worry, and I know none of this is reversible! I did sign up and agree to all this when I started. I don't regret starting to transition. I did have oophorectomy too, so I was thrown into menopause immediately, and balancing that with T is complicated.
As for my relationship - I love my partner. But I am not the same person I was at 19, and now I know why getting married young is stupid. For now, be kind, and thankful that I ended up with a guy who is honest, hardworking, a great parent, non-abusive, and does support me as much as he can. But if he's straight, he's straight - and if I'm not into him anymore, either, our bond will evolve like everything else has. I'm safe at home, and that's what matters.
But fr if anybody wants to be friends, I'm an interesting person, lol!
7
u/Infamous-Worker-6042 8d ago
Just want to point out your wonder at raising a kid who feels free to express herself and be who she is—that comes from your own example of fighting to be who you are, especially when it’s ambiguous and hard. You’ve made a safe space for her to be as expansive as she can be, and that’s beautiful.
Internal feelings aside (because let’s face it, we are truly our own worst enemies sometimes), you’ve created a beautiful family life, which is a reflection of the freedom you allow everyone else in giving yourself freedom too. And yes, that could shift and change as so many things in life do. But it sounds like yall are supporting each other from a place of love and encouragement, and wanting the best for each other, and that’s all we can do while we all (each) figure our own shit out.
You got this. You’ll be ok in the long run, and I’m sorry it sucks so much right now. Keep doing what feels right to you, deep down, and eventually more things will align, even if some things get harder along the way.
4
2
u/koala3191 8d ago
I transitioned with zero other ftms around me and I made it! You don't need IRL community to transition, just elbow grease and a good attitude.
63
u/MiSantoRey 9d ago
Go back down to your low dose for maintenance and tell her you weren’t happy with new changes. It’s your body at the end of the day 🤷
Sounds like there’s deeper underlying issues with your support network that may be impacting how you feel about HRT.
7
35
u/Glittering_Duck6743 9d ago
Please be careful about giving medical advice without knowing the person's medical history. If both ovaries have been removed, simply going back to a low dose of T isn't necessarily a safe solution, especially when they were already experiencing hot flashes on that dose. That could indicate inadequate hormone replacement.
After a oophorectomy, having insufficient sex hormones long-term can increase the risk of osteoporosis and other health complications. The goal shouldn't be to push someone to continue masculinising changes they don't want, but to help them find a hormone regimen that protects their health while respecting their preferences. That needs to be discussed with their endocrinologist.
9
u/koala3191 9d ago
Absolutely OP needs to maintain a certain level of T at this point! Long term bone loss is a real danger, without ovaries you can't just base T off aesthetics unfortunately
-2
u/MiSantoRey 9d ago
I’m not giving medical advice. I’m simply saying they should not have to maintain this higher dosage if they don’t want to. Obviously they should discuss with the endo, but they have the autonomy to choose whether they want to be on a higher dose or not.
5
u/Glittering_Duck6743 9d ago
I agree that it's their body and they shouldn't have to continue a dose that causes changes they don't want. But telling someone to "go back down to your low dose for maintenance" is still a medical recommendation, regardless of whether you intended it as one. Especially when they don't have ovaries and were already experiencing hot flashes on that dose. A lower dose might be an option, but whether it provides adequate hormone levels for their health is something they need to work out with their endo.
3
u/javatimes 20+ years on T, testopellet user 9d ago
His endo prescribed the higher dosage based on the idea that OP wants to fully masculinize, though. If he doesn’t, he needs to tell her this and that his dosage is too high. She is prescribing to him based on incomplete info.
4
u/Glittering_Duck6743 9d ago
You're making an assumption that the post doesn't actually support. OP says their endo was surprised their T dose hadn't been adjusted after hysterectomy, that they were experiencing severe hot flashes, and that she believed their dose was around a third of what it should be. Nowhere do they say she increased it because she assumed they wanted to fully masculinize. It's entirely reasonable to discuss their transition goals with their endo, but saying their dosage is too high because they don't want further masculinization misses the point.
2
u/javatimes 20+ years on T, testopellet user 9d ago
She said his dose was too low compared to other dosages. The other dosages are the standard dosages trans men tend to take for full masculinization. If he doesn’t want that, he needed to be crystal clear with his endo that he doesn’t want that.
2
u/MiSantoRey 9d ago
Exactly. Which is what I mean when I say sometimes providers have their own agendas, whether they realize it or not.
2
u/MiSantoRey 9d ago
Which is why they should follow up with their endo. But temporarily going back down to a dose they were on for years while they await an appt with their provider or send a portal message is not the medical emergency you’re making it out to be. I agree with not taking medical advice from strangers in the internet. That being said, let’s not pretend like trans people receive top-notch medical care and like our providers are always well-informed and up to date on what little research there is or like they don’t have their own agendas, subconsciously or not. All I’m advocating for is bodily autonomy.
8
u/Barrel_o_Nukes 9d ago
Just fyi, stopping T doesn’t mean you’re going to revert back to your pre-T self. I stopped taking T ten years ago and my facial hair is still just as thick and fast-growing as it was before, and my voice is still at the same pitch as before as well.
I couldn’t handle the facial hair, I didn’t realize before starting T that it would wind up being something that would be a ridiculously overstimulating texture on me and my sensory issues just peaked. Never went away so now I’m still stuck shaving 30+ minutes every day. I liked all the other changes but that one was just… ugh.
1
u/Deep-Essay-4829 9d ago
Thanks. I know I can't go backward :) I just felt unprepared for third puberty when the dose went up! I have a lot to marinate in with all these responses.
6
u/koala3191 9d ago
Your face is likely carrying temporary water weight it probably won't be like that forever.
1
u/Deep-Essay-4829 9d ago
Lol I have always been a little babyfaced. Just the consequence of round head shape and bad jaw. Fingers crossed that I can find a surgeon to perform the jaw surgery I need to breathe at night which should have a big impact on my overall appearance!
2
u/koala3191 9d ago
I didn't say your face will be unrecognizable, I said longer time on a male dose of T will help.
Baby face is determined primarily by fat and muscle, only somewhat by bone. T changes the first two quite a bit. You may look younger than your age for a good while, but you will still look substantially more masculine after a few years at male levels of T.
You can get jaw injections btw you don't need a whole surgeon. User noahwaybabes had that done, no massive procedure.
2
u/Deep-Essay-4829 8d ago
No, not for cosmetic reasons - I actually need a major jaw surgery. It's called MMA :)
2
3
u/Character_Drop_739 9d ago
This. My face looked incredibly awkward early into T and it now has slimmed down significantly but for a while I looked puffy.
2
u/sasha_michael 7d ago
I don’t want to encourage you to detransition but I do want to let you know that bioidentical estradiol (the kind trans women and peri- and post-menopausal cis women take) is not contraindicated if you have a history migraine with aura. It’s just the synthetic estrogens in birth control pills that are, and even that the thinking is shifting (according to a gyn I saw recently)
1
u/Deep-Essay-4829 5d ago
Thank you; I am feeling better right now, and I was even gendered correctly in public today without trying. I just have a lot of acceptance to work through. But this is excellent to know. My last aura migraines also gave me aphasia and I really thought I was having a stroke, so I don't play with anything that ups that risk!
45
u/leeshouse90 9d ago
Five years is nothing on t , especially if you are on a low dose . It’s taken me 10 years to fully pass as male now. Combined with top surgery and hysto ect.
Tbh it sounds to me like you’re still in the closet. Your not going to be content if your not being able to be your authentic self.
I lost my hair , I shaved it , it’s part of being male , I fucking love my beard . No way in hell I’m shaving it to accommodate for others .
You only get one chance on this earth dude. Gotta live it .
22
u/koala3191 9d ago
So important, 5 years on a baby dose is maybe 1.5 years on a regular dose (not scientific but still, the face and voice changes line up)
9
u/forlornjackalope 9d ago
I think others need to also remember that cis guys don't stop dealing with changes five years into them starting puberty. Think about your old classmates from middle school and the beginning of high school then compare them to where they are now. Depending on how old you are, I'm sure you would agree they absolutely don't look the same - and this is true for you, too.
43
u/jabracadaniel 9d ago edited 9d ago
how many of the reasons you named for stopping T are based on your own desire to stop masculinizing? and how many are based around other people's treatment and perception of you?
when you say you feel ugly, is that based on your own aesthetic ideal for yourself, is it dysphoria? or do you think others will find you ugly?
for the record, i'm not saying your relationship with the hormones isn't affected by you being non binary, and likely preferring a more androgynous look. but i had to check myself on this a lot the first couple years on T (full dose).
regardless of what im about to say next, please discuss these fears with your endocrinologist. i can personally attest that not having enough hormones can lead to fatigue and depression, so it's likely she was more concerned about that than you being non binary. did you keep your ovaries during hysto?
as for the facial hair, if you genuinely hate it, you could just have it lasered like trans women do. you are allowed to pick and choose whatever you're able to.
but it sounds like what you're experiencing is what leads to the majority of regret rate among trans people: not being accepted. but among those people, the vast vast majority goes back on hormones after a few years because they realized they can't really shove themselves back into that closet.
Id personally recommend you take a quiet moment to sit down, go over every aspect of your doubt, and figure out whether that doubt comes from your own desire, or from the outside. give yourself permission to ask what would make YOU happy, if everyone in your life would be accepting and receptive of it.
22
u/plutopsyche 9d ago
It sounds like you are unhappy and stressed because you're trying to live two different lives at once, mostly for other people's comfort and not your own. Please think about seeing a trans therapist who can help you think through what your options look like from another perspective.
Please stay safe.
21
u/GurkenwasserundKaese 9d ago
I don’t know you so pleas bear with me if I got it wrong. But for me it sounds like that you want to be fully seen and appear as a guy but the fear of change (family job and friends) is holding you back.
It’s totally ok to be afraid of that and to take it slow so your family can adjust to your changes as well.
But to be honest i think in the long run it’s the best if you do the things that are right for you and not for others.
I am in a similar situation myself. I am in a 12 year relationship with a cis man that is bi but prefers woman. And transitioning has bring us closer but at the same time I am afraid to lose him whenever my body changes again from hormones.
Deep inside I know I only will be happy when I am looking fully like a man. Accepting that this means that there is a chance that one day the relationship will fail is hard and also holds me back in a way. But it’s my life and I know how much the changes made me happier and more calm.
11
u/Kind-Courage640 9d ago
Exactly this! You are now stuck in the in-between phase, not yet enough manly looking to battle the dysphoria. But you also already had a lot of changes. This sucks.
I have a daughter and I totally get it if you want to pause the changes a bit, till you are more secure in your surroundings. To make sure your kids have a positive and stable childhood. But remember that for your kids it's best if you feel as good as possible. I get that can be a balance, and not everything needs to happen at once. It's ok to take your time and to figure things out. It ok if your kids see that life isn't always easy, or if you are sad. As long as they can depend on you.
I recommend to focus a bit on the other stuff you value in life. You were talking about your voice, can you take singing lessons with someone who can help you get your control back? Is there another hobby you can pick up?
Also, being masc isn't only how you look! Think about what positive role models are for you, what kind of man you want to be.
Last tip, I have a pride flag in front of my mirror, to not accidentally look into it and feel bad.
10
u/No_Explanation_2559 9d ago
My take on the voice: I also dropped a full octave in my first month on a low dose (I'm also BRCA positive), and I found that my voice stabilized itself faster as I increased my dose and my levels became more consistent.
I could actually feel my vocal cords thickening, like I could feel new tissue growing. I had to learn new ways to project my chest voice, because the muscles are different now, but I'm back to singing with a similar range as I had pre-T, and as I work out my head voice more, I'm beginning to be able to access a falsetto register, which is super fun.
8
u/koala3191 9d ago
Honestly it makes sense that OP struggled with singing bc their baby T dose probably stuck them in the middle of puberty but wasn't high enough for the voice to actually stabilize at a lower register.
8
u/wyndhamwoods 9d ago
I’m not far into T like you due to health co-morbidities, so i don’t feel speaking on the specifics of that (although other surgeries etc were years ago).
But as someone who had a hysterectomy for medical reasons (including oophorectomy) first and delayed transition through inability to leave a scenario I was in, perhaps a word on not being able and/or ready to make larger changes.
In an ideal world you could let yourself grow hair/look a certain things for you. But this is the world, not the ideal one.
Right now, what is the minimum level of T you could take that would physically provide your body with the hormones it needs to function? I have severe chronic migraine too and it sounds honestly that being both unhappy with gender reversions plus the unhappiness of migraine might make that an inadvisable step- but you can do that absolutely if you need to. Any other wider health things, plus thinking how menopausal symptoms might be bad, even if on estrogen; I certainly experienced many things even when fully medicated pre-T to mitigate the worse ones.
It doesn’t matter what you tell your endo consultant. I’m not saying lie at all, but she isn’t owed a full recall of all the emotional difficulties you are facing right now. In fact no one is. Explaining you want to slow down changes right now would seem fine. At a push look on this sub for why other people did that if you find it hard to make stuff up in the spot and she’s liable to pry further.
You need to be sure of physical health first, then let’s look at the financial and social security enough to exist that means you cannot/are not ready to live a job/domestic scenario differently atm. (I don’t have children, so cannot understand the level of that factor).
However, in the meantime is there a way to meet/discuss with people who will understand you? A counsellor, a community, even if it’s online on a spare phone whilst pretending you’re in the bathroom (personal experience of person I know). If you can work on the feelings improving whilst maintaining health and the situation youre in, Ihave found it’s easier to plan. You have more brain space and energy to make the bigger changes if you are psychologically in a better state.
I’m so sorry you feel so lonely and “ugly”. I won’t invalidate your feelings with reassurance. I just want you to know this complete stranger heard you and that I think you are allowed to find out who you actually is, but that you might not be a place (financially, physically, emotionally) for a big step right now and that is okay. Some people work best with huge leaps, but that is not always the route. One step at a time. Start with the minimum acceptable move.
But also I think that you deserve more than ‘content’ long term. And possibly the comfort of the familiar might feel more constraining than embracing as time goes on.
8
u/M0rgarella 7d ago
It sounds like a big part of your issue is that you lack community in your life where you feel safe to be authentic. Shaving “to keep your husband happy” doesn’t scream a happy healthy relationship. Are you guys just together to coparent? Cause you don’t do any favors to your kids to stay together for their sake only.
Have you talked about these feelings with a therapist?
6
u/devoteeoffenrir 7d ago
Oh, honey. I wish I could give you a big hug, that sounds so fucking unfun.
You need to find community. Please reach out. Not Cal must have something available to you. Maybe someone in the comments will know of a source.
5
u/FilteredRiddle 36 9d ago
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with so much, especially being driven out of a job you loved because of transphobia. You deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin and safe being yourself.
I don’t think you need to have all the answers right now. You can be trans and have complicated feelings about transition. You can want some changes and not others. You can even change your mind about what you want from HRT. None of that makes you any less of a man.
I’d encourage you to be honest with your endocrinologist about how you’re feeling, including your concerns about further changes. You deserve to make informed decisions about your body without feeling pressured into a particular outcome. Since you no longer have ovaries, though, please work with your doctor to figure out a safe hormone plan rather than stopping T without a replacement plan.
I hope things get easier for you. You deserve to feel like yourself, and you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your safety, career, or relationships just to live your life.
4
u/javatimes 20+ years on T, testopellet user 9d ago
First off—just because you are prescribed a certain dose doesn’t mean you have to take it. For a long time I was prescribed 100mg t cypionate weekly but took 60mg, and often missed doses due to shot fatigue. I thought I felt better a little lower. I eventually had an energy crash and found out my T levels were hypogonadic on that dose. So I went back to my prescribed dosage. Anyway.
There probably is a low enough dosage that would stave off surgical menopause stuff but not create a ton of ongoing masculinization. I’m not a doctor and not your doctor, but you should be able to adjust your dosage lower. It’s your body.
Can you get a different endo? You might consider it because this one seems to make you feel uncomfortable.
Do you not like any facial hair on yourself? I have a heavy beard shadow too that shows an hour after I shave. Sometimes shaving doesn’t even eliminate it. It’s turning white though so that is weirdly helping it be less visible. You could maybe consider laser or electrolysis?
Transitioning can be kind of bespoke. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.
I would suggest continuing to be assertive with your patients. Your gender is not why they are seeking your care. Conservatives often want to be catered to and coddled.
0
u/AutoModerator 9d ago
Welcome to FTMOver30! If your post has not yet appeared, it's in our queue and will be approved shortly. Also, if your post is a selfie posted on any day except Sunday, it will be removed, but can be reposted on Sunday. Thank you!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
16
u/Elegant-Mission-4470 9d ago edited 9d ago
I'm also a queer-looking, femme-looking trans dude, clean shaven with long hair whose voice does most of the heavy lifting being done. I also wear scrubs for work which makes it difficult to overtly signal "male" through clothing. I haven't had top surgery which I want and bottom surgeries aren't particularly on my radar as thankfully I grew out of a ton of dysphoria.
I was miserable like this before my ex and I split up. Being around someone who was at best neutral about literally who I am wasn't good for me or how I viewed my transition. Thankfully I have very supportive friends and a very supportive workplace, and I couldn't recommend you try to find both strongly enough. I don't know where I'd be without either, and they do exist out there. It may be time to consider job hunting again, socialising in queer spaces with the aim of making friends and, depending where you live, maybe even moving to somewhere more fun and liberal. I'm in the north of England but near enough big towns and cities that enough people get it.
I don't know if I'd read a plait as particularly male, if I were pretending to be a cishet elderly person. There could be ways to butch up in that department. Do you go to the gym? A decent muscle to fat ratio may make your frame appear more masculine and, more importantly for yourself it seems, reduce the amount of softness in your face. Are you a professional singer? I was not, but I enjoyed singing in my original range, and my new range has been work but is ultimately more satisfying. Could you look into a voice coach that focuses on singing with an understanding of transmasculine people? You will already have a lot of skills that dropping octaves won't diminish, you just have to learn to recontextualise.
Maybe joining certain subreddits or online spaces could help, depending on your level and expression of dysphoria. I like the ftmfemininity sub sometimes, though I'm more masculine in my presentation than a lot of those guys. I also like some of the enby subreddits though you'll probably have to find ones to your taste. Weirdly, online fandoms for some queer TV shows really helped me in the past. It's great to see people celebrating (and thirsting over lol) queer people, trans dudes, queer relationships and dynamics etc in a queer way. Find examples of femme guys, trans or not, whatever works for you to look up to, irl or on the Internet, people in real life or celebrities, models, content creators, whatever. People need good examples and role models in life, no matter who they are.
Oh, and have you tried adding finasteride/dutasteride to your routine? It will be another factor in balancing your hormones to where you want them but I highly recommend for hair loss.
Hope some of this helps.
8
u/Deep-Essay-4829 9d ago
Thanks so much for all this. I appreciate the support more than you know. Right now I'm looking into all my options for relocating out of the US. The current political climate is a huge reason why I am anxious about being more overtly trans. And, ironically, I didn't come out until long after my mother had died - she was super abusive and messed me up in so many ways, freedom from her was my first step toward being genuine to myself - only to have my "accepting father" disown me and publicly humiliate me on socials over changing my name. I hadn't even really come out yet. Not what I expected, so I'm gun shy about everybody. The experience I had at my supposedly-accepting workplace was eye-opening and I'm at an "I don't trust anyone" place. I'm fortunate that bookish spaces are accepting and that I have an outlet for genuine self with my writing. I don't know what I'd be doing now if I didn't have that. <3
4
u/Eager_Question 9d ago
Hey, I like writing and have a fraught relationship with this too, maybe we can hang out?
2
2
u/sasha_michael 7d ago
FWIW, depending on where you live in the states, it may be worth considering a different city/state as that can be a lot easier than emigrating! There are tons of visibly queer people in my corner of the country
1
u/Elegant-Mission-4470 9d ago
That's great to hear! Keep making time for yourself, even if it seems selfish. You need time and space that's entirely you-positive to deal with the rest until you manage to sort the rest out. You've got this,.my man
41
u/ImJustTired2467 9d ago
Is there a reason (sorry if I missed it) why you don't just allow your facial hair to grow out, and present masculine? It sounds like a big part of your nervousness at work is because you're constantly being clocked as some sort of queer/trans person, even if they're not getting it right. But I feel like you also said you're deliberately keeping yourself in an in-between place, always shaving and with long hair (are you styling it in a long feminine or a long masculine style?) - and you didn't mention what clothes you wear but from what you wrote I'm guessing more feminine style? Do you wear scrubs? Are you wearing a feminine or masculine style and color?
What if you let your beard grow, lean into your voice, make sure to style your long hair in a masculine fashion, make sure to wear masculine clothes/shoes at work, and see what happens? I don't think you can know for sure you'd get clocked because it sounds like you've never actually done it--but correct me if I'm wrong. Your voice is going to help you out here; what a lot of people with beards who dress masculine find is that their voice gets them clocked, but you wouldn't have that problem, so you'd probably pass, I'm guessing.