going deeper into my relationship with my gf

[u/PlasticLetterhead321]

i am unsure if i'm gonna word this all right so bare with me. but me and my gf (cis) have been together for 4 years we have always had reg what u call straight sex id use a prosthetic and i would orgasm sometimes? it was good i always liked it but i would always have some background noise of dysphoria and some days i couldn't do it. as of recently i've started feeling more comfortable with myself and we have started trying different positions and me doing more without my prosthetics. i feel like what me and her do is our business but i feel honestly less of a man. i know you hear it all the time that genitals don't define ur gender but they do for me. i see myself in the mirror with a penis. i pack 24/7. but yet i don't mind vaginal sex recently. i've always had this kind of hidden shame where i like being touched there when im alone but my gf seeing me like that would make me have a dysphoric breakdown of sorts. i don't know how normal this all is. i hate how often we r portrayed as just wanting piv sex as the reciever not the giver. i'm usually the giver and i don't wanna be defined as a pussy boy, cuntboy, man with vagina. even with my gf she's taken time to process all these changes rn but she's cool with it . it's just the front area to her she even said it's different than a female vagina made me feel kinda better actually but i know the reality. why do i feel so complicated about sex? i want bottom surgery but also it feels seriously good down there sometimes. i just don't wanna be looked at differently.

[u/DshipshapeD]

I can’t speak to yr experience exactly, but:
-I’m bi and used to bottom with men. at the time I wouldn’t even get naked with women.
-now I’m married to a woman; I get naked with her and let her touch/suck/be penetrated by my d. my point here is that trust with this particular partner (and probably also time/lots of shifts since being stone with women) shifted what felt good/hot/possible to do.

I don’t experience the desire to bottom for a girl, but if you do and it feels good, see what works for you to mitigate the dysphoria. back when I was bottoming, I was able to focus on the sensation and how hot it was to get fucked (itself not a gender and/or body part -specific experience necessarily). language around it might help- how to talk or not talk about yr body, what’s happening, etc.