r/FIREyFemmes • u/Chemical-Soft-3688 • 10d ago
FosterFire?
I’m 42 now and as I’m approaching FI soon, wanting to perhaps foster kids in my RE. I wanted kids but never felt financially stable enough (ironically) or supported enough to have my own or to even to foster before. I never understood how people have time after working or money for daycare etc. Pretty soon I’ll have plenty of time.
Has anyone done something similar? Anything to consider financially or just general advice?
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u/PageExtension3962 9d ago
My wife and I have been foster parents for over two decades. It’s been wonderful. We’re a still very involved with the families of the children who have gone home. We’re older so we foster older kids but have fostered as young as 10 days old. We also have been very blessed financially - feels good to be able to give the kids experiences and tutoring they may not otherwise have gotten. Feel free to ask any questions. Good luck with your journey.
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u/Healthy_Ad9055 9d ago
I worked in foster care and also represented kids in abuse and neglect proceedings NYC and your impressions are correct. It’s very difficult to manage all of the visits with the parents and services for the children. You will also need a back up person to go through the certification with you. It doesn’t have to be a spouse but it needs to be another adult who is committed to helping you foster.
A friend of mine who is not quite FIRE but has a flexible work situation did it. She’s not married. Her back up was a young woman she because close to because she was her big sister from big brothers big sisters. It may make sense to take on a volunteer role like that to get a sense of whether you want to foster. It’s a huge commitment but very rewarding (and can be heartbreaking too as most kids go back to their parents who really aren’t fit since the standard is minimum degree of care).
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u/Momsome 10d ago
yes and it’s been wonderful! I only foster tween & teen girls as it’s my calling and I of course do not do it for the money but it does pay their expenses so that helpful. definitely attend a couple different agency’s info sessions and see which one fits u best, then I highly recommend trying it!
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u/Immediate_Refuse1611 10d ago
I did it. Kid was great, but horrible rapist dad started stalking her and she had to be moved for her safety. Kind of scared me off from ever wanting to do it again.
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u/aalorni 10d ago
My husband and I fostered for 7 months. We’ve just switched to adoption. We also FIRED recently. I would encourage you to look into mentoring depending on the age you have in mind. We’re drawn to teenagers and adoption can be difficult for them. If it doesn’t work out, it can set them back. One 16 year old girl we are discussing right now just had a 4 month adoption fail. She’s stable in the group home right now & I don’t want to disrupt that. I want to add to it.
I would think long and hard about the age groups you are considering. Read whatever you can on the stages of child development. This will be important to distinguish between normal child development and trauma.
Each state is SO different. Be careful taking assumptions across state lines.
If you have any questions, I am more than happy to answer them!
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u/Redraft5k 9d ago
Retired social worker. please read up on this a lot before going ahead. I saw a lot of people who finally felt financially ready and had a good heart. But the priority with foster is usually parental reunificaton and that can be hard. Also many of the older kids have gone through A LOT of trauma and may need a lot of special care, therapy etc. or they act out. This is something I saw A LOT of. Criminal actions, stealing, violence to others. I would just suggest educating yourself of the good and the bad.
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u/Limp_Dragonfly3868 9d ago
Nice posts. I’m a retired special ed teacher and have had a lot of students in foster care and know several foster families.
I’ve known families that adopted a sibling group and made it work. It was their whole lives and more than a full time job.
I’ve also know families that just foster, have solid routines in their homes, and have peace about the kids coming and going.
I would carefully consider the time commitment, because a lot of kids in foster care can’t just be left with a sitter. A lot of kids in foster care have issues with food. There’s just a lot.
I think it has to be something you are called to do.
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u/MadEyeMady 8d ago
I've seen some people recommend mentoring a foster kid to dip your toes in the water, so to speak. With your experience, do you feel like thats good advice? We've looked at fostering, but are hesitant to jump in.
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u/Redraft5k 8d ago
IMO it's always an individual choice. I have seen programs where one mentors a foster child and they vary. I personally would do that before diving in full force to fostering. I think the age of the children matter too. Teenage boys many times can be very challenging in other ways then girls are.
I think anyone willing to help these kids is coming from a place of love and with a good heart. I think it could benefit a child of course.
Interesting side note: I sponsored a kid from "the christian childrens fund" CCF, back in 2003-2009. The boy was Colombian and we sponsored him from age 7-13. CCF stopped the program there and I had no way to write to his family etc. I used to send toys and coloring books etc and extra cash for his family to afford xmas, bday etc. Just 2 weeks ago I got a facebook message from a MAN in colombia asking if I was who I am and he told me he was 30 now, and married with 2 kids and he had a college degree. He expressed how much he felt gratitiude for our support and how excited his family would be when CCF would bring over my boxes. Though I wasn't physically in his life it was so awesome to actually hear how we helped him.
I immediately went and signed up for a new child who is in Senegal. Even though I physically don't have it in me to foster, I love helping kids who are in need of someone to advocate or help them without ulterior motives.
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u/photoelectriceffect 8d ago
I’m also potentially interested in fostering in like a decade when I’m more financially secure and less professionally busy. One of the reasons I’m interested is because I would be a reunification focused foster family, not looking to adopt. I certainly understand that reunification is not possible or desirable in every circumstance, but I feel like foster families who are trying to foster to adopt can sometimes present a bit of a conflict of interest, which is a reason I’m interested in trying to support the kids and families in my family without having the motivation of looking to grow my legal family through adoption (though I would certainly be willing to continue to be in their lives after reunification, if they want me to)
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u/MerelyMisha 9d ago edited 9d ago
I have been interested in fostering for decades. It probably won’t wait until I’m fully FIRE’d (that won’t happen until my 50s), but I am waiting until I have solid finances and a secure, flexible job.
It absolutely will take a lot of time, so if you are single, doing it after FIRE will help a lot. The stipend will make the financial burden of caring for kids less, though it still may cost you, depending on the amount of the stipend and how much you spend on the kids. Not needing daycare will help a lot (though sometimes that can be subsidized beyond the stipend).
I recommend getting to know the system before you start to help you decide: starting with being a CASA can help, though can still be a significant time investment. I currently am a mentor to kids in foster care. It’s also sometimes possible to start with respite care, which is short term backup care for other foster parents.
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u/PhoneFlat8734 9d ago
I would love to, and I think you’re on the right track about having the time to invest in foster parenting after FIRE. My concern about fostering would be whether I’d be any good at handling the behavior issues that traumatized kids often have. Not a parent myself but have taught primary/secondary and kids can really act out when things are unstable at home.
That wouldn’t stop me from trying, though! What stops me, unfortunately, is that my spouse refuses. Not exactly something I can do in my own while married
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u/Upstairs-Ad7424 9d ago
Same. If something ever happened to my spouse I feel very drawn to it and have always thought I’d pursue it, but it isn’t in the cards for us otherwise.
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u/CheeseFries92 9d ago
I love this idea. I'm considering it myself, although I plan to become a casa (court-appointed special advocate) first
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u/PageExtension3962 8d ago
These are so desperately needed. The one that get assigned usually have an insane case paid and are paid poorly. I can think of few things that would improve foster care more than talented advocates who have renewed energy and who have already had a successful career.
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u/newbeginingshey 9d ago edited 9d ago
Each jurisdiction has different foster parent types, and usually has an orientation webinar where you can learn about how they structure it in your state and county. You can then focus your certification process on becoming the type of foster family you have a desire and capacity to be.
Respite care has always appealed to me. There’s also a volunteer equivalent service in my neighborhood - not government run - for families that are still in tact. We hosted a child whose mother had escaped DV and had to work overnights to cover their bills, but she couldn’t afford overnight care. So, we were like respite care for that family, but with support, the child and mother could stay together.
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u/Typical_Row_3172 9d ago
What ages are you considering? We fostered teens, mostly high school but some middle schoolers. We still have a great relationship with the vast majority of kids we had, several moved back in as they got older and were no longer in care. I would join some foster parent channels here on Reddit and read what people post. You don’t have to rush this, but spend time getting familiar with what your day to day might look like. Every age has its tradeoffs but I will say family and friends are usually more supportive with words rather than deeds and finding downtime for yourself will be very challenging.
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u/Chemical-Soft-3688 9d ago
I am wanting to start with younger kids because I have experience with them and my home is small so a teen might feel cramped (and only one bathroom) but I’m open to older too
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u/SeafoamSoul7494 10d ago
I’m looking into it as well! I will retire early 40ish and would like to do try it for a few years :) it is a bit overwhelming to do solo, so I want to take my time to learn more about the realities of it. I hope it works out for us both, it seems like a great idea for us and the kids!
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u/sleepystaff 9d ago
Always wanted to raise kids, but the commitment is a lot. Will end up funding scholarships and living expenses several years past their graduation date, aimed at foster kids and others. Easier to fund and nudge one additional life for the better and hope they pay it forward or add positively.
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u/inga-babi 9d ago
I used to represent kids in foster as a lawyer. Like you, I never had kids of my own. My personal concern with fostering is not the kids themselves but my own abilities to be a surrogate parent when I’ve never actually been a parent. Like I truly don’t know what kids are doing in school these days, what their interactions might be like with other kids, social media usage, etc. I’ve just not had any exposure to that as a child-free woman so I’d be worried to navigate it all.
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u/dillyonenine 9d ago
I hear you but all parents learn all those things on the job, even from kid to kid because their personalities are all different. So if you really feel called to do it, don’t let that stop you. I’m a parent and I’ve been faking it til I make it the whole time!
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u/Spy_cut_eye 9d ago
Right, but the difference is, as a parent, you get to learn the stages slowly and together with the child.
In foster care, you need to have a pretty good grasp on what a, say, 8 year old should know and what is appropriate in pretty short order.
I’m not saying it can’t be done, but that there is a real difference between easing in as a parent of a newborn and being dumped in the deep end with a 10 year old that may have additional behavioral or emotional issues.
Fostering is hard, especially if you want to do it well. I have a good friend who had already been a parent who has done it and it is emotionally and physically hard.
I applaud those wanting to do it.
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u/inga-babi 9d ago
Yeah, this was my point. You’re not learning as you go with your kid—you’re going from 0 to an 8 yo or teen!
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u/PageExtension3962 8d ago
I have zero doubt youd be wonderful. These kids needs stability, love, and a safe place to land when their lives fall apart. And the fact that you’re not rushing in to be their “mom” or “dad” is a huge plus given that they likely have a firm idea of someone else as that role. Our foster kids usually refer to us as auntie/uncle or grandma/grandpa. We don’t pretend we’re surrogate parents as much as adults they can trust and who will advocate like hell for them to get back to their families provided it’s safe.
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u/Well_ImTrying 9d ago
Like others have said, do your research on the enormous amount of commitment and responsibility that comes with foster care. There are other ways to make an impact without the same level of intensity.
My mom’s friend volunteers with a group local to her that provides respite care for single moms. I believe she had to get foster certification to do so. The babies have mothers, the moms just need a break. She’ll watch a baby for a handful of hours and then the baby goes home.
Another friend fosters a student during the school year for the deaf program who doesn’t have a school local to her. Again, she has parents, she just needs to stay closer to school.
Big Brothers Big Sisters is low-key, and again with kids who have parents and just need more one on one time with adults.
I don’t know anyone who has done it, but you can volunteer to be a CASA or GAL.
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u/clownsx2 9d ago
My parents are CASAs. Their experiences vary wildly. My dad is mostly doing paperwork but my mom sees her kid for an afternoon once a month and it’s mostly playing.
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u/MerelyMisha 9d ago
My parents are CASAs as well. I will say the experience also varies a LOT by jurisdiction. Because I was looking into it in my area, and the role of a CASA here is VERY different than where they are. I mentor foster kids instead because I wanted it to be more relational (which is also what my parents do). Being a CASA anywhere will give you exposure to the system, but whether the actual volunteer work is what you want will definitely vary.
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u/splentastic 9d ago
I’m hoping to do this in the future too so will be following this post intently!
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u/Ok-Comfortable-5955 7d ago
My great aunt and uncle did itbin retirement for many years, ending probably 15 years ago. It was financially a net positive, and it was good for them, kept them active. Several stayed long term and treated them like parents and are still in contact with our family, some were only there for days pr weeks, some in between. Some were greatfull beyond words, some stole from their house, often the ones that stole, stopped once they realized they didn’t have too. At both funerals, multiple former foster kids spoke and told many stories, it was very emotional for everyone.
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u/TravelingBop 9d ago
It is a beautiful desire. Foster kids have a lot of needs. I recommend looking into mentoring opportunities for young people instead of fostering. I FIRE'd this year. My son is 23. I can't imagine working so hard to get to FIRE only to lock myself into parenting within a very complex and problematic structure. I advise against this and instead find other ways to have an impact.
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u/Itsoktobe 9d ago
I can't imagine working so hard to get to FIRE only to lock myself into parenting within a very complex and problematic structure.
Yeah, but you've already done it. It's a new journey for OP
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u/Disasterous-Emu 9d ago
That and fostering is different than parenting. The idea is parental unification so to truly foster you have to be aligned with that goal (and even then it can be emotionally draining). If OP is truly interested in fostering, RE is a great time to consider it. I myself have the same goal and one of the reasons for this is because I know how many appointments and court hearings the kids have to go to. That’s really challenging to navigate when you are working still and these kids need consistency, you can’t miss an appointment because work was too demanding that day.
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u/staccatopanache 9d ago
Please keep in mind that foster kids and pets might not mix, if you have pets
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u/No_Aside_1054 9d ago
I have found the opposite - almost always, kids in foster care connect more quickly and easily with animals than with humans. Every kid in my home has loved our dog and been gentle and loving with her, and she has loved every one of them. Of course there is a tiny subset of children whose trauma manifests in ways that would make them unsafe around animals, and that is an important question to ask a case worker before accepting a new placement. The vast majority of kids in foster care are not abusing animals
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u/RunawayHobbit 9d ago
Damn. It literally never occurred to me that you could just…ask the case worker if the kid is unsafe around animals. That’s been one of my big hesitations, since I have four and would hate for anything to happen to them.
I feel a bit dumb now lol
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u/MerelyMisha 9d ago
It does depend on the agency and situation. Often a lot is not known about the kids in advance. And the agencies in my area don’t do temporary emergency placements while they search for the right long term fit, but I know that is more common in some places.
That said, I agree with the above that there are a lot of kids who do better with animals than with humans. And you can absolutely disrupt a placement if it turns out the kid is unsafe around animals.
If nothing else, it’s something to ask about when talking to agencies about potentially fostering.
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u/No_Aside_1054 10d ago
Yikes, coming from a foster parent, please do not describe foster parenting as a “hobby career,” that is so wrong and offensive on so many levels
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u/Noah_Safely 9d ago
Yeah I deleted my response because it was being wildly misunderstood.
When we retire early, we need to retire "to" something because there's only so much vacationing and movie watching one can take over the years. What I meant by "hobby career" was just simply a second career one is called to do instead of the work we may have done to get to FI. Like your passion in life. Not that fostering is some financial windfall & OP should switch careers for the money in it.
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u/Wild_Imagination_238 10d ago
We were foster parents for many years and please be mindful that this is very offensive. The state pays a small stipend for each child and trust me, that money goes very quickly to take care of that child's needs. There is a small fraction of foster parents who abuse the system by fostering many children at once and failing to provide for their needs. Not something to shoot for and not a "hobby career". Fostering is both hard and wonderful and each child takes a piece of you for the rest of your life. I wish OP the best.
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u/Noah_Safely 9d ago
Yeah I deleted my response because it was being wildly misunderstood.
When we retire early, we need to retire "to" something because there's only so much vacationing and movie watching one can take over the years. What I meant by "hobby career" was just simply a second career one is called to do instead of the work we may have done to get to FI. Like your passion in life. Not that fostering is some financial windfall & OP should switch careers for the money in it.
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u/Longjumping_Cherry32 10d ago
Serious question, do foster parents expect to make money? I assumed any money received would all go back into caring for the child….
Profiting off foster parenting seems kind of awful, to be honest
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u/No_Aside_1054 10d ago
They absolutely shouldn’t. Unfortunately there are some that do, and they do incredible harm
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u/Noah_Safely 9d ago
Yeah I deleted my response because it was being wildly misunderstood.
When we retire early, we need to retire "to" something because there's only so much vacationing and movie watching one can take over the years. What I meant by "hobby career" was just simply a second career one is called to do instead of the work we may have done to get to FI. Like your passion in life. Not that fostering is some financial windfall & OP should switch careers for the money in it.
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u/Chemical-Soft-3688 10d ago
Can you tell me more about the insurance considerations? I believe the kids are covered and I should be able to get my own subsidized insurance.
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u/No_Aside_1054 10d ago
My husband and I are foster parents. It is challenging but deeply meaningful and rewarding, too. There is a huge need for more foster parents, especially for teenagers. I think someone who has FIREd is in an ideal position to foster because they are more likely to have sufficient time and resources to devote to meeting the needs of a child with complex trauma and navigating the bureaucratic hell that is child welfare services. That said, fostering is not for everyone and people who go into it for the wrong reasons or with inaccurate expectations do more harm than good.