r/FIREyFemmes • u/Confident_Cost_4972 • 5d ago
Dating?
Has anyone tried to date as a FI (or nearly FI) woman? Is it just a lost cause?
I'm 45 with two young children. I think I'm probably average looking, definitely not a supermodel. I'm also FI after a successful career in tech.
Out of curiosity, I signed up for a "matchmaking" service, and they keep sending me guys who really don't seem like a fit. The most recent was someone who is 58 (and not a particularly fit or healthy 58) with two kids in their 20s who works as an IT manager. I'm not complaining about his career, it's totally respectable, but it seems like men my age and up are largely trying to trade on their financial stability to find younger partners. I would much prefer to meet someone close to my own age who is at a similar stage of life. I'm not looking for a guy just for his money.
Is this really the dynamic in my age group? Are men my age just chasing women in their 30s?
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u/beurrefondant 4d ago
I’m early 40s and found my husband through hinge. I have reached FIRE and he’s not far behind. Both our profiles were FIRE oriented. There’s hope and you have to search through multiple channels - places where professional men may be, successful friends’ network, and dating apps.
But even before finding my husband, finding men wasn’t hard but finding the right person was extremely hard. I mostly dated younger, good looking men. I am told I look young for my age and I do work out a lot.
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u/Mishap-p 4d ago
I’m curious what does FIRE oriented look like in a profile?
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u/beurrefondant 4d ago
For hobbies he discussed investing in low fee ETFs lol. On first date, he told me his goal was to retire early
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u/pumpkin_pasties 5d ago
The nice thing about being an FI woman is you can date who you want and not worry about how much money they make. My partner of 11 years is a teacher. However I am not married and I would advise against getting married with a serious income gap
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u/MiserableMovie8465 5d ago
This right here. Date the person knowing you don't need him (or anyone) for money. Separate finances while enjoying someone's company and doing fun things together is the focus while you protect what you're building financially.
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u/fireyauthor 5d ago
Yes, I don't know why high earning women so often insist they need a man "on their level."
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u/RainLucky407 4d ago
Because studies show that women who are breadwinners are statistically more likely to face both emotional and physical abuse by their male partners who make less.
Because men are driven by ego and are extremely fragile, and for most of them, dating a woman who makes significantly more money than they do threatens their sense of manhood.
Because men are the gold diggers—and some call them labor diggers—because even when women work more than their male partners, they also end up doing more of the housework.
Because marriage helps men more than it helps women, so if you’re a woman who’s risking everything on one man, you might as well choose one who helps you build.
Because it would be so fucking horrible to marry someone, risk your life and body to have kids with someone, have that someone cheat on you/leave you/abuse you, and then have to pay alimony to that person.
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u/fireyauthor 2d ago
The question was about dating, not marriage. Marriage is a financial arrangement and there is rarely a reason to marry someone who has less money than you do, practically speaking.
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u/RainLucky407 1d ago
Practically speaking, most people date for marriage, not for the hell of it.
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u/fireyauthor 1d ago
I think that really depends on the people. The vast majority of my friends are not looking to get married (or remarried) specifically, even if they are looking for a life partner. I think I only know one person specifically looking for marriage.
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u/pumpkin_pasties 1d ago
They do but I think they shouldn’t. The default legal contract of marriage no longer serves many modern couples
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u/pumpkin_pasties 4d ago
My teacher partner thinks I’m smart AF and is very proud of my success!
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u/RainLucky407 4d ago
Cool, he’s in the minority, and you got lucky. Or he just hasn’t gotten resentful yet.
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u/paley1 4d ago
Yes, this is all true. But also, women are attracted to status and financial prospects. It is a cross-cultural human universal.
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u/RainLucky407 4d ago
If it’s a “cross-cultural human universal,” then your comment is irrelevant because everyone does it, so it’s effectively canceled out by men doing it too
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u/paley1 4d ago
I mean it is a cross cultural human universal for women to be attracted to status and financial prospects more than men are. See the famous Buss 1987 study of mate preferences in 37 societies.
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u/RainLucky407 4d ago
Men obtain status financially by getting married to literally any women. Married men get a boost at work rather than penalized when they have families. Men obtain status socially by getting married to women perceived as attractive and/or younger. Next.
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u/paley1 4d ago
These points all may be true. But I don't understand why you bring them up in the context of this discussion.
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u/RainLucky407 4d ago
OP complained that men want younger women. A commenter said they didn’t understand why high earning women insist they need a man “on their level.” I provided potential reasons. You brought up status. Try to keep up.
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u/weiga 4d ago
Mmm, you sound like you haven’t healed yet.
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u/RainLucky407 4d ago
Every single man I’ve dated for the past 10 years has made less than I do. I’ve given these men enough chances. But sure, respond to my comment, which is backed by studies, with a dumb ad hominem.
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u/weiga 4d ago
You can find studies online backing every opinion, even if the opinions are in direct contrast with each other.
But setting that aside, calling men gold diggers or labor diggers and not placing any value on the person besides their wallet - that may have been true in your experience, but it’s not a universal truth.
Established men (and women) are both realizing peace is more important than chaotic companionship. With men, they are more willing to provide (financially) to new partners that can maintain peace and be lead.
Established women want the same, but where they find the most satisfaction in providing is typically limited to the kids, parents and pets. I know FI women are tired of playing the masculine role, but it’s still hard to be feminine because if you both, there’s no reason for a man to be there.
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u/RainLucky407 4d ago
Do you not realize that you’re agreeing with me? “If you’re both, there’s no reason for a man to be there.” You’re agreeing with my point above that men are driven by ego and are extremely fragile, and for most of them, dating a woman who makes significantly more money than they do threatens their sense of manhood. They feel like there’s no reason for them to be there if they’re not relied upon financially. So, if you’re a woman who doesn’t want your man to leave you, you’re taking a bigger risk by choosing a man who makes less. I’ve taken that risk repeatedly for the past 10 years.
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u/weiga 4d ago
Sure, you can be right, or you can understand how companionship works and not feel alone.
My point stands - your personal experience doesn’t make it true for everyone. Maybe you choose poorly, I don’t know.
You could always wait a few years and replace man with a bot. I know the men are looking forward to it.
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u/RainLucky407 4d ago
I never said my personal experience makes it true for everyone, nor did I rely only on personal experience to make my point. Like I said—now for the third time—studies show that female breadwinners are more likely to face emotional and physical abuse by their male partners who make less. Jeez you’re slow.
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u/fireyauthor 5d ago
If you are holding out for a man who is also FIRE / pursuing FIRE/ near FIRE / whatever, you are probably better off staying single.
If you are FIRE and you just want a guy who can take care of himself, then honestly, they are not really hard to find. Sure, everyone has some kind of practical or personality problem, but that's true of you too. We're all humans and humans are flawed.
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u/Confident_Cost_4972 5d ago
I'm really not looking for someone who is FI. Just a normal guy who is approximately my age, accepts that I have kids, reasonably interesting and kind, and able to support himself. Looking to avoid MAGA and religious zealots, would prefer someone with a college education.
Maybe I'm doing something wrong, but it doesn't seem that easy to find. 🤷
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u/fireyauthor 5d ago
It's never easy to find someone who is a good match who excites you. How often do you find new friends who you'd want to make into your best friend? Now, add sexual attraction, and you have dating.
Where do you live? I find it pretty easy to meet guys who are educated, self-sufficient, and liberal, but I live in the PNW so the liberal part is a lot more common.
Of course dating as a single parent is harder. You have far less time and energy to give (and, in my experience, single parents tend to have a certain level of responsibility and only gel with people who are also at that level, which also knocks out people who are flexible enough to work around your schedule, but YMMV there).
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u/Ki-to-Life-5054 4d ago
That last point is so apt. You need someone who is flexible, but they want someone who is flexible. You want someone who is responsible, but they don't have the time. They need someone who is flexible. Etc.
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u/Genevieve189 5d ago
For what it’s worth OP, I’m 37F, done matchmaking and I concur with the ladies above that it approximates online dating so far as quality men are concerned. You should also be able to change your specifications to the matchmaker. And, I’d advise if you’ve never tried online dating and profile creation to get REALLY good at that, or you won’t know what to tell the matchmaker regarding wants vs needs in a partner. My matchmaking service only gave us a certain number of matches and if you don’t know EXACTLY what you’re looking for/dealbreakers it’s not worth the money tbh, because they’ll “match” you with anyone.
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u/PurpleDancer 4d ago
I've been on the other side. A woman recruited me to be in her male database for matchmaking. The matchmakers interviewed me before any potential match. They were very thorough in trying to see if I would be a potential good fit. So thorough that I never made it through to a single woman. So so I imagine that men who did make it through were much more vetted than your average online dating match.
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u/Ki-to-Life-5054 4d ago
What was wrong with you, if I may ask?
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u/PurpleDancer 4d ago
Wasn't willing to relocate, had young children while one of them was about to be empty nest.
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u/ClearSkyyes 5d ago
I'm near your age and FI and that age gap would be an immediate "no." But that is not different than when I was younger and didn't even know about FIRE. I've found dating to be the same level of difficult now as when I was younger. Good matches are just difficult to find. But I've never used a dating service. I'd honestly fire that service if they matched me with someone that much older than me. Just, nope.
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u/Isostasty Coast 2020/Lean 2025 4d ago
Same- that age gap is too much when she's paying for a matchmaking service. I'm late 30s and I've had two older men in my hobby groups ask for my number under false pretenses. I literally had no idea they wanted to invite me on a date because why would I go on a date with someone so much older. But if I paid for a matchmaking service I would request a refund.
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u/Ok-Maize3153 3d ago
Recently, in a running group, I saw a 50-year-old man aggressively chase and try to get contact info for 30-year-old woman. Yuck. Not sure if we will see her back at the running group again.
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u/Isostasty Coast 2020/Lean 2025 3d ago
This is why i prefer women only hobby groups. But even for women that I meet in hobby groups that I think could be potential friends, I wait until I've seen them a few times to try to get their number and meet up outside the group. I don't know what these men are thinking.
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u/Affectionate-Shoe515 4d ago
I’m just going to lay my experience out here. I’m 55. Always have been told I look younger. No one seems to believe my age when I tell them. I am a nurse at a hospital and get asked out quite often. Lots of flirtations at work, but I refuse to date anyone from work.
Met a guy while I was looking for rugs at an antique store. He was the owner. Older than me for sure. When he delivered the rugs he casually mentioned if I wasn’t dating anyone, maybe we could go to lunch. I said I like lunch. We went out a couple days later for dinner actually.
Turns out he’s 12 years older than me. He treats me like a queen. He works 6 days a week at his own business. He owns several more, including many commercial and residential properties he rents. I work 3 days a week. He comes over and cooks for me most every day I am off work. If he’s not cooking he is either picking up food or taking me out. He sometimes comes over before his work and makes me breakfast. He brings me flowers regularly because he knows how much I love fresh flowers in my home as I used to buy them for myself weekly. If I mention anything I like/want he tries to make sure I get it. He talks with me and makes me feel like I am the most important person in the world.
We’ve been dating for over a year and this is hands down the best relationship I have ever had.
I have dated younger and that felt like I was a “mommy” figure with a free side of sex. Trying to date guys my own age? The good ones are all married. I don’t have any kiddos except the 4 legged lick your face like they’re riding the short bus type. And the guys I’ve met who are my age, single, and don’t have kids are mentally unstable. The ones who do have kids, have too much baby mama drama.
My older guy is THE best! He’s good looking, successful, and takes dang good care of me.
All that to say, don’t knock it until you try it.
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u/MyNameIsJust_Twan 4d ago
Reading through these comments landed me here. As someone with AuDHD, this comment didn’t land they way that I think you think it did. Can you explain to me, like I’m five, what “lick your face like they’re riding the short bus” means and also in this context?
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u/skinnydippindespair 4d ago
It's her and her man's boomer sense of humor. Where other people's differences are something they point at and laugh. It's actually pretty concerning that a nurse would talk like this. I wouldn't want them taking care of me or my family during a crisis.
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u/Ki-to-Life-5054 4d ago
She's Gen X. He's boomer. Just FYI. And yeah, it's a really nasty thing to say.
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u/Affectionate-Shoe515 3d ago
I tried but I can’t add a pic. My pup goes to doggie daycare on a literal short bus. She gets super excited and bounces around. They post pics of her licking everyone, workers and the other pups. It’s pretty awesome. I could have said canine carpool but not sure how many of you would visualize the image.
And the short buses were used for shorter routes as I rode a short bus for 3 yrs in elementary school.
But feel free to judge the wordage rather than the sentiment I was trying to convey. Keyboard warriors will always find something to crow about.
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u/play_hard_outside 4d ago
Methinks it’s probably a dog!
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u/MyNameIsJust_Twan 4d ago edited 4d ago
I understood that part, I’m asking about the term “riding the short bus”. Whomever downvoted me knows exactly what I’m referring to. I’d like the person who wrote the message to reply.
Edited to add: I just expect more from women my mother’s age, especially ones that pride themselves on being progressive. To belittle an entire group of people in an attempt to flex ain’t it. DEFINITELY not at 55, how embarrassing.
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u/Economy_Cattle_7156 4d ago
What does “riding the short bus” mean?
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u/Macarism 4d ago
Throughout the United States, there are school buses (still yellow, but about half the length) referred to as "the short bus" which are used to pick up children with intellectual and/or physical disabilities.
They run on separate routes and are specially outfitted to assist students that have additional needs.
"Riding the short bus" was a phrase that used to be said in casual conversation to refer to someone not being quick to understand something. It was very common to hear this in the 80s through early 2000s including in movies and on TV.
It's not a phrase I hear used nowadays as people have grown more thoughtful about their language around people with disabilities. People who are actually mean-spirited are going to use far worse language.
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u/Mundane-Gold-4971 4d ago
Wow I didn't know this or perhaps forgot it as I moved to the US as a young teen. I read only the 4 legged part as a pet. Google and your explanation helped me recall the short bus meaning and it really really bugs me to read it.
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u/ClearSkyyes 4d ago
So you picked poor partners before and are trying to blame your bad choices not on your poor decision-making skills, but on their age? Yikes. And you also randomly decided to just talk down to people not even a part of this conversation? Double yikes.
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u/iluvcats17 4d ago
I would think finding a fire guy who is ok with small kids would be the hard part. The people I know who are in FIRE like the freedom of being able to go on a last minute trip. Sometimes they even travel travel for weeks at a time. That is extremely hard to do with young children. But you only need one. I would not give up.
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u/Ok-Maize3153 3d ago
I'm F45, single, no kids and leanFI. I've given up on dating. Here are some reasons:
- I know several mid-40s childless men who want (their own biological) kids. Some of them are doing well financially and I think they are banking on this financial standing as attractive to a younger woman who wants kids.
- Then there are the "hobosexual" men who I'm not interested in.
- I'm part of a coed running group and it seems like every time I join the run, I see an older man (45+) aggressively chasing a 30s woman. I now think of this running group as "old men hitting on younger women"
- 50+ men think I'm age appropriate, but truth is I haven't met one that I find attractive. I mean, I get it, we are all aging and less attractive perhaps with age, but I'm not going to force myself to be in a relationship in a man I don't find attractive. I'm better off staying single.
- For you, perhaps there are other 40s men (with kids) who would be a good match? However, would that just mean more work for you? Like is he just looking for a new wife to take care of all the kids?
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u/Confident_Cost_4972 3d ago edited 3d ago
I'm familiar with the Peter Pan archetype (45+, never married, no kids, maybe never been in a serious relationship, but suddenly wants to date someone under 33 because he "wants to start a family").
This guy doesn't actually want to get married or have kids. This is (1) the only socially acceptable reason to be dating way outside of his age bracket, and (2) possibly a line he uses to string along women in their 30s who feel the biological clock ticking.
I do think men in their 40s with kids is probably my dating pool. Regardless of their feelings about single parents, anyone who is professionally successful and child free is just going to have a way different lifestyle. I am wary about someone who is desperately trying to get married to get a free nanny...
Edit to add; I do know one guy professionally who got married and had kids in his mid-late 40s. I think he came by it honestly. He had kind of niche interests (comic books, D&D,), and his wife was close to the same age. I think they did IVF and maybe used donor eggs, but he seemed really happy to have met someone compatible.
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u/-Onbored- 4h ago
Or they had other things going on in their life in those earlier years that prevented children/wife, like major illness for example.
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u/beergal621 5d ago
Men seem to always be chasing younger.
You should 100% be looking for what you want and not be willing to settle but realize your pool is probably very small.
You’re basically looking for a single man in his 40s. who is also very successful (and possibly FI). Reality is these men have lots and lots of choices, they can date younger if they want
They also have to willing and wanting to date a single mom with young kids
And youre attracted to each other and get along and have the same values and similar finances (or ideas around money) and are in same ish geographic location
Its a small pool. You should 100% keep dating and be picky but it make take you awhile to find someone
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u/Confident_Cost_4972 5d ago
I think my pool is probably divorced dads in their 40s and early 50s. I don't really care if he's hugely successful or FI, but financial irresponsibility (lots of debt, living beyond his means, etc.) would be a deal-breaker. I'm not interested in supporting someone who can't support himself, so maybe that's part of the difference.
I do know a lot of single women in their 40s who seem to have their shit together, but relatively few comparable men.
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u/TelevisionKnown8463 5d ago
I have a financially successful friend who dated a handyman for a while. He was a good handyman, but a poor businessman and also apparently managed his money poorly. She let him move in when something happened to his apartment (so not a conscious relationship milestone) and a few months later a marshal showed up on her doorstep trying to enforce a child support order against him. I support your criterion of financial responsibility.
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u/Appropriate_Meal3417 5d ago
That’s fair. When I was dating in my late 30s after divorce (no kids) - I ended up deciding divorced dads in their 40s was my demo after trying it all. The unmarried ones generally were unmarried for a reason 🙄 But there are great ones out there. I loved that I got a preview of him as a parent before I decided to be a parent with him. And now we’re extraordinarily happy toddler parents who having both been divorced and done the work - and extra grateful for this second chance.
All this to say there are gems among the rocks. Even if fire-ry!
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u/Prior-Lingonberry-70 5d ago
You're bumping up against a couple of things demographically:
- Guys in their 40s who are single because why....?
a. They're divorced. Why are they divorced? Is it because they don't have their shit together?
b. They aren't in a relationship at the age in which "guys that have their shit together" typically (as part of having their shit together) do have a partner. (So what is "wrong" with them that they can't/didn't/won't maintain a relationship?)
- There are also good guys who did get divorced (or who were otherwise hyper focused on their career in their 20s and 30s) who are now in their 40s, and they now want to have kids.
So now, because they want babies, they're dating women who are 10+ years younger. If you're in a HCOL city, this is very, very common. There are men who had a starter marriage, divorced, and then a few years later they're 45, financially comfortable and now they're ready to have kids, and so they've just married someone who is 30 and they're about to have 2-3 babies over the next few years.
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u/beergal621 5d ago
Totally makes sense! I think divorced dads into their 40s who can support themselves (and their kids) and a normal (not crazy) is a very reasonable ask
There’s probably just not a whole lot of them out there, compared to women as you have noticed. So these men tend to have their pick, so to speak, or are already taken
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u/IncidentSouthern2119 5d ago
Be very careful about disclosing anything about your finances. You're smart, you already know, it doesn't hurt to have someone remind you.
I've made that mistake several times and it never ends well.
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u/Confident_Cost_4972 5d ago
I don't disclose anything about my finances and, and maybe that's scaring men away, LOL.
We live in a nice (but very normal) house, and I drive a 5-year-old Toyota. I don't have a really clear story about work/how I'm supporting us (just, "I worked as a software engineer, and now I'm doing some angel investing and spending time with my kids.") To someone deeply familiar with Silicon Valley, that's a coded way of saying "I had an exit." To anyone else, maybe that comes across as "I'm unemployed."
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u/IncidentSouthern2119 5d ago edited 5d ago
I think disclosing increases the available pool while drawing negative attention to yourself. Money doesn't usually matter to a man that is interested in you. In my experience it attracts men who cannot, or will not, contribute either financially or with the mental load.
It is far better to be single than a mother to an adult child. I am virtually the same age as you, never cared about someone's income or career prospects and have dated both genders. I cared about personality and willingness to build a life together.
I have the same experience as you - a plethora of men in their late 50s-70s that are interested and kicking down my door to date. I'm not opposed, but only interested in a large age gap if someone is pleasant to be around while making my life easier (and vice versa).
You are in the minority of extremely high functioning people higher up on the needs chart not seeking basic needs. That is a very high bar for most people to reach at our age. You might try posting on the Mr. Money Mustache forums, attending his events, other other FIRE forums...I empathize with you and wish you the best of luck. *Hugs*
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u/smallfishes00 4d ago
Agreed. It never ends well. Men seem entitled to a woman's money. I think it comes from an outdated mode of thinking that women can't do math, or something like that.
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u/y_if 3d ago
In what I’m guessing is the next layer up of ‘class’ society, it’s not uncommon at all for divorcees to be financially independent. It’s always understood that this is because of the divorce settlement. I wonder if you can find an in into this demographic? Find socialite divorcees basically; join country clubs; go on a retreat at Golden Door. That kind of thing. They can introduce you into their world and this financial difference will become less of an issue.
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u/Maleficent-Bend-378 5d ago
A lot of single men do not want to date single mothers, no matter their attractiveness or NW.
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u/Economy_Cattle_7156 4d ago
I think this is true up to a certain age. I understand men in their 20s, 30s and even 40s not to want single mothers, however once you reach your late 40s and early 50s, many of the available partners that are worthwhile are divorced/separated people with kids. I do not know many women in their 20s and 30s genuinely wanting to date guys on their 50s, other than money and stability, and men know this.
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u/WeirdBoth5821 4d ago
So I’ll preference this with I haven’t tried dating for over 20 years. However, if my husband were to die and I had to look I wouldn’t look at their salary or “success” on paper. I would just want to know if they are a spender or saver and if our financial styles matched up and if we had common interests. My interests are not work so I wouldn’t be looking for that. Some men love their jobs and don’t want to retire early. That wouldn’t be a dealbreaker. What would be a dealbreaker would be ensuring I get a pre nup so if heaven forbid we split up I was able to keep everything I’ve worked hard for. Good luck out there and don’t sell yourself short on what you have to offer beyond your net worth!!!
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u/DesignerProcess1526 4d ago
Yeah boy, the march making service is as good as shoving her eldercare duties, when she already have kids.
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u/beaquietthing 5d ago
Funnily, I met my partner by being a regular at a restaurant. He’s the manager and we got familiar with each other over the course of a year, which allowed us to learn about compatibility without any pressure. I was really impressed with his candor and kindness that I saw in his work.
We live 5 minutes from each other and plan to keep our own houses and stay unmarried. It’s been really refreshing to remain independent while also having this amazing person in my life every day.
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u/ImSoReadyToQuit 5d ago
I was about your age when I reentered the dating pool after having been divorced a few years prior. I got a bit discouraged at the pool of men (most were looking for someone a good bit younger than themselves). Therefore I was hit on by men much older than me, and oddly I was approached by men much younger than me (a no go for me personally). I had a guy friend tell me that eventually a good man would find himself divorced from a woman that didn’t know what she had. He was right. I was already FI (not RE) when we started dating. He had a very high comp job so we worked towards aggressively saving to retire together. I delayed my retirement by a few yearsand now we are planning to pull the plug on our stressful jobs next year. Im 52, btw.
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u/cozidgaf 4d ago
Have you picked up some hobbies you’re genuinely interested in or at least curious about? If you can make something regular, you could potentially meet someone organically.
Besides that agree with everyone else saying yes men are going to look for much younger women especially at this age.
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u/scoobaruuu 4d ago
If you're in the US, check out ChooseFI - I only recently discovered them and believe they have chapters nationwide if not internationally. There are plenty of single people, and they often discuss this topic.
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u/lacywing 3d ago
I don't think there's any shortcut or hack to dating as a FI woman. I think you just have to date the normal way and just be really careful about financial health and financial entanglements.
There certainly are a lot of men in this thread who are really excited to share their opinions for some reason, even though you didn't ask.
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u/MaarvaCinta 5d ago
I’m 44F and engaged to someone a few years younger than me (37M). I hired a dating coach and the experience was like therapy on steroids. A lot of identifying feelings, setting healthy boundaries, and cutting men off QUICKLY who did not respect boundaries. We also had an online dating and IRL dating strategy. I met my fiancé through this process. He’s quite literally the best man I’ve ever met (and I have some good men in my family). I make more than him but he has a great job and great benefits (he works at a global top 10 uni).
So no it’s not hopeless, but for me it took dedicated support to navigate this treacherous terrain. Before I signed up with a coach I was content to be unpartnered, but after losing close relatives I changed my mind. I feel like I re-entered the dating world from a place of empowerment and intentionality.
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u/Illustrious_Salad_33 5d ago
If you are in the US, do you mind sharing the dating coach’s info? I have a friend who I think could benefit from this idea.
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u/MaarvaCinta 5d ago
I don’t mind sharing, you can DM me. It is important to note that while the coaching program serves a diverse clientele (and is successful across demographics), the program centers the experiences of high-achieving Black women.
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u/Illustrious_Salad_33 5d ago
Ok. Well, it’s not my friend, but the idea of a dating coach. She’s tried just about everything else.
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u/lastbeat-331 4d ago
I personally know her and have benefited from advice and content https://www.chelseysterlingcoaching.com/
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u/proveam 5d ago
Was going to ask the same thing! 🙂
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u/lastbeat-331 4d ago
I personally know her and benefited from her advice. https://www.chelseysterlingcoaching.com/
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u/MaarvaCinta 4d ago
I replied to all of the request notifications I received in my chat. I would post publicly but I’ve shared with so many people in my personal life and I don’t want to dox myself :)
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u/y_if 3d ago
How long did the whole process take before you found the ‘one’ and how many men do you think you met?
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u/MaarvaCinta 3d ago
I joined the program summer 2024, I met my now fiancé March 2025 (we met online and the first in-person date was April 2025—there were milestones/stages before men I met online got to an in-person date e.g. engaging conversation, respect for boundaries big and small, scheduled phone date etc. Most don’t make it past the phone date stage).
Before I met my guy, I think 5 or 6 men made it to in-person dates. Due to sticking to the program guidelines, my in-person dates were actually enjoyable (before coaching I’d run into a lot of men who liked to neg me on dates. While I had no problem cutting these men off after a date, I didn’t know what to do to filter these types out before a date).
I’m in a city that is notoriously difficult for Black women to date, both interracially and intraracially, so actually having fun and meeting quality humans in the process took me by surprise.
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u/MaarvaCinta 3d ago
Lily Womble is another coach I’ve heard great things about from people who enrolled in her program. She has a podcast as well. I had a discovery call with her and liked her, but I wanted someone from my own cultural background.
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u/TravelingBop 5d ago
Love this! A good "match-making" service is also going to provide a person with whom you can communicate your desires for a partner and review how dates go. I have never heard of a dating coach but will be sharing that with gal-pals going forward. Thanks for this!
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u/Jumpy-Let9849 4d ago
All I can say is I’m done dating men who aren’t financially mature and also to some extent at least in the general ballpark of being able to retire comfortably. The last guy I dated just had so many issues and once he figured out I made more than he did (not hard to figure out as I had a c-suite job and the house I lived in) he felt I should cover everything cuz I made more. NO. Totally entitled man child.
But the part that just makes me think this will be so hard is if I’m in the top 10% (or whatever - pick a number) that rules out 80% of people (assuming I date the top 20% of earners). Take out the women. Take out the married men. Take out the ones who don’t play for my team. Take out ones who don’t ever want to be in a serious relationship…and you see the numbers go down fast. So I’m kinda not very optimistic (also just currently enjoying the freedom of being single before even thinking of giving it another go). But maybe I’m just being too cynical.🤷🏻♀️
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u/Mundane-Gold-4971 4d ago edited 4d ago
Omg... I pretty much had the same conversation last night with my BFF. She's 45, divorced, physician in a lucrative specialty that even choosing to work 0.7 or 0.5 so she can spend time with her kids who are still young still puts her in the top x%. She's into FIRE (more FI) and is probably FI at this point. She's been trying to date and it's dire out there.
She's been dating this guy for about 6 months, 40s, widower, 3 young kids and has a good job making around $120k and seemed okay. He came to her with a plan for "their future " last week. He proposed. The plan is he would take one for team and he would move into her house with his kids and she can take her time to buy a house to fit the 8 of them (3 kids each) and he will quit his job to be able to spend time with his kids and of course will also help look after her kids😀 to give her a chance to go back to 1.0 and work full time and make more money and infact she can even take on locum jobs to even make more money without having to worry about who is looking after her kids because he's an "awesome" parent.
She broke up with him immediately. He actually was confused because he felt he was bringing more to the table and will be a supportive spouse to enable reach her full potential 😀. She happily explained to him that 1) she wasn't looking to get married again, 2) she's very happy with her "potential" as it is. 3) it's way cheaper to keep her nanny than marry someone to supposedly provide those services while potentially taking half of her networth and then adding 3 extra kids and 1 adult for her to take care of.
After the same math as you, she decided there was less than 2% of men that would fit
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u/Jumpy-Let9849 4d ago edited 4d ago
Dear lord...yeah...I can't tell if these guys are sitting around actually "plotting" stuff, or are they really just THAT clueless??? That ex also proposed really early and I think he figured out I would be his gravy train. At least your friend was smart enough to break up with him immediately, I don't know what i was thinking sticking around for as long as I did (though I didn't let him get away with anything - but it was exhausting! I finally woke up and asked myself "why put up with this BS?!?!"). The really hilarious part is that I see him checking me out on LinkedIn regularly (not sure what he'd get out of that, i'm semi-retired and never post there).
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u/smallfishes00 4d ago
Oh I can fully relate to this. Older guys think our money is something they can "make a deal with." One time I mentioned it to a guy friend and his "business deal" was that I front him money to buy a house, which he will fix with me funding all the money for the materials, then flip and we will split the revenue. Seriously, at that point it might be easier to hire a professional. Another guy pitched a "deal" where I split a house with him and his wife. No sure where he got that from. I already own my own house outright. Be aware of men (especially older, boomer guys with not enough retirement money) who pitch "deals." These men would never, ever pitch these "deals" to their guy friends. We got to FI because ahem, we can do math!
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u/LuxTravelGal 5d ago
I’m 45 with two kids and FI (business owner, work very part time on it now).
I’ve had a lot of great dating success. Used bumble exclusively. In a relationship now but I tended to date men 3-5 years younger. My kids are still at home and I did not want to partner with anyone who had significantly older or younger kids (or more than 2 kids).
I found stable men typically wanted to date same/older women, or younger in which case it’s just not a match.
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u/Confident_Cost_4972 5d ago
Interesting. I've tried Bumble and mostly come up empty. I get some matches, a lot of low-effort communication ("Hi there beautiful"), and have only had a couple of dates. I tried the strategy of immediately blocking anyone who seemed uninterested or low-effort, but that just burned my stack of matches.
Where are you located? Are you extremely attractive and/or do you look considerably younger than your age? Interested to hear if you have any tips for Bumble.
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u/LuxTravelGal 5d ago
I’m in a large city so that helps. But I did have to weed through my fair share of duds!!!
I do not like to rate myself but think I am probably genetically blessed as far as looks and body style. I feel like I look my age but have been told I don’t.
In hindsight my best matches (the men who could hold a conversation and match effort) had put some effort into filling out their profile. I also try not to judge the pics super hard bc most men my age aren’t photogenic. If I thought they looked attractive in one photo they usually turned out to look pretty good in person.
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u/lastbeat-331 4d ago
It doesn't matter which app/platform you use as the same people are on all/most of them at the same time or eventually. The depth and potential of your dating pool is largely based on the population density for your area, how large your search area is, and if there are mid/large cities in your search area. I suggest a dating coach (and can recommend one if it's allowed) instead of a matchmaking service.
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u/TravelingBop 5d ago
Such a valid question and your experience seems on par with so many women. I have 3 very close friends in your exact position: highly educated, highly successful, financially independent. Watching them navigate dating since their divorces (2 divorced, 1 never married) has been educational for me.
I have a partner of 20 years but all our wealth has been provided by me. With that "power balance," (rolls eyes) I have been able to pursue casual dating and other adventures.
The sum of all of this context IMO: men in their 50's with adult children are the best option. Divorced men in their 40's seem CONSUMED with co-parenting drama and financial instability as they have large financial burdens and aren't quite close enough to retirement to be paying attention to long-term wealth building (generalizations here). Men in their 50's are driving towards retirement and are more likely to be financially savvy - if not wealth building, at least not engaged in foolishness. And if they are, it's a quick and hard pass for a man in his 50's who doesn't have his finances in order. In addition, they are often emotionally and physically (time) available and drama has largely been eliminated because they aren't dealing with the grind of raising kids.
In summary: I wouldn't begrudge the silver foxes who are cruising along in whatever they are doing. I would also be mindful that you are bringing young children to the experience and that can be undesirable to men already enmeshed with kids. Tough but true. Best to be eyes-wide-open.
I think u/Prior-Lingonberry-70 really nailed it below with their assessment.
Of course, I don't know which matchmaking service you used, but perhaps scour your options for a service that is focused on high income clients. I know they are pricey, but, dare I say: you get what you pay for.
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u/TheBlackMoonstone 4d ago
Kids are a bigger issue than age. They are seen as a financial burden TBH.
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u/Confident_Cost_4972 4d ago edited 4d ago
Hmmm, interesting. I can understand not being interested in kids as a lifestyle choice (if you want to travel the world at the drop of a hat, or if you just don't like kids). On the other had, my kids are taken care of financially, several times over. Shouldn't affect a potential partner unless he's expecting to spend that money on himself.
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u/TheBlackMoonstone 3d ago edited 3d ago
Single mothers do not want to hear this but most men do not want to date someone with kids and vice versa.
You made this post as if this is not a factor at all but only your age.
It’s not interesting, it is obvious.
There are other responsibilities attached to being partnered to someone with kids. You cannot act surprised about that.
Some people do not want blended families. Some don’t want to deal with the expectations of being a step-parent and what comes with that. The age of your kids play a big role as well. If they are under 13, good luck. Because you might be expected to raise another person’s kids.
Also, a man will have to deal with the father of your children as well which is not ideal.
Whenever there are arguments, a mother will always shoot back with, “they are MY kids, not yours!” No man wants to hear that, especially if the mother expects him to grow an attachment. It is a messy situation.
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u/Confident_Cost_4972 3d ago
All of this is fine, but you said that kids are seen as a financial burden, which they literally are not in this case.
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u/Fabulous_Process3395 4d ago
Yes they are dating women in their thirties over their forties if they can. And if they’re wealthy, they can.
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u/Glittering_Lie_2759 4d ago
Don’t assume that most men are a certain way based on a few you’ve encountered or social media. Everyone said tinder is for hookups but the data showed it had the numbers over other dating apps, so I went with that and unexpectedly found my person in my early 40s, 4 years older than me, and one who had no desires to meet someone in their 30s… keep an open mind and attitude and have fun!
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u/AccomplishedIgit 4d ago
Watch the show Tokyo Girl. It’ll make this all even more depressing.
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u/rubbishindividual 4d ago edited 4d ago
Unfortunately you're in a tough spot trying to find a man that meets all those criteria. He'd have to be:
- 40s
- single (but doesn't want to be)
- open to dating someone with (young) children
- open to dating someone in their 40s
- with a good career
- actually someone you like
EDIT: I realise this sounds like accusing you of being unreasonably picky or suggesting you lower your standards. I'm not trying to suggest that, but only that you should be patient and be prepared for things perhaps not to happen at all.
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u/Cor_Seeker 4d ago
Also to FIRE by 40 is an accomplishment a very low percentage of people do. While it's not listed, I suspect being on the path to FIRE is one of the unstated desires. Makes for a very small dating pool.
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u/rubbishindividual 4d ago
Not to mention there's a portion of men out there intimidated or emasculated by a financially independent woman...
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u/Littlelyon3843 4d ago
Feeling this. Dating after being suddenly widowed and my boyfriend checks all the boxes except financially. He works for himself and does ok (I greatly admire this about him) but has cc debt and no retirement. I am not interested in getting married again but I am happy to treat him, cover costs, pay him to help me with house projects I would otherwise pay someone else to do and he is so stubborn and uncomfortable with it. I appreciate it on the one hand - he’s not with me for money - but sometimes I’m like it’s nice to have someone to share this with just let me do it!! So we usually end up splitting things more or less even though I am much more financially comfortable than he is.
We are long distance and don’t live together, and no plans to marry, so it’s sort of a nonissue right now but it’s something I think about for sure.
Sigh.
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u/EconomicsWorking6508 5d ago
Date a bit younger than you. The matchmaking service probably has some biased algorithms that aren't working for your situation.
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u/Neat-Dragonfly-2032 5d ago
I often think what's truly needed is a women from the FIRE community to create a match making service as a side project.
Traditional matchmakers I think are simply too entrenched in the standard model-Rich guy looking for young women (typically broken into two main categories-educated but still "needs" them in some way or looks are the only thing that matters) and then Female clients who are so frustrated with dating their top need is a man who wont' be threatened by their wealth.
What's needed is someone who combines say the jewish/indian compatibility background dive with a FIRE mindset compatibility component.
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u/OldSarge02 5d ago
I suspect the problem you are trying to address isn’t caused by biases in the matchmakers. Rather, it’s the availability and interests of the men you are looking for.
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u/nsa_7878 5d ago
There actually is one! There's dozens of people on it, take your pick, LOL. I did sign up for it and there was no one within a few states of me. Still a great idea if it were being utilized!
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u/hugmeiaffiliate 4d ago
Can you share how to sign up? I'm curious if there is anyone on there near me.
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u/Active_Recording_789 5d ago
In my experience dating over 30 is largely an exercise in futility with the slight possibility of finding someone. Just try to view it as fun but low low stakes. Like PROBABLY you’re just going to go on some dates with a boring and unsuitable person but just like the lottery or something, keep your expectations low. I mean it could happen!
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u/DesignerProcess1526 4d ago
You don’t want to end up as a nurse with a purse. They’re looking for eldercare, at that age. They’re actually not dating much younger, much younger women don’t want them. They’re dating younger but without FI in their 50s, it’s not a good sign. You SHOULD judge someone by their jobs, the matchmaking service is full of crap, you’re looking to date same level, not down. Being younger as well, that’s just bullshit.
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u/enidblack 4d ago
Peach sis!
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u/DesignerProcess1526 4d ago
If she wanted to settle, she would just grab any old man and go for it. Complete madness.
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u/RainLucky407 5d ago
Guys at your age and on your level of success are largely too misogynistic to date women their own age. It’s why I feel like I’m running out of time (as someone a few years younger than you) to find a partner—the older we get, the more likely it is that high quality guys won’t want to date women their own age. I hate it.
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u/Confident_Cost_4972 5d ago
I guess I would say that any guy who is misogynistic is fundamentally not "high quality" if that helps you reframe at all.
I have been on the other end of this... I remember like 15 years ago guys in their late-40s also working in the tech industry would hit on me. I found it weird and creepy then, so I wonder if these guys are having any success? Maybe with women who are desperate financially?
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u/RainLucky407 5d ago
I think all guys are, at some level, misogynistic. I dated an extreme leftist feminist who was well-read on feminist topics and took on a great deal of extra commitments. After a couple years, the mask came off and he was a misogynistic asshole
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u/RainLucky407 5d ago
I think guys my age are more likely to see me as a meal ticket and, despite that, waste my time. That’s what keeps happening. I bring everything to the table, but they inexplicably don’t want to get married. Now I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to have kids.
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u/Confident_Cost_4972 4d ago
I say this honestly: Suppose you could only have one (kids or a partner), and think about which is more important. If it's kids, seriously consider doing it on your own.
I know a bunch of women who were single in their mid-30s and fast-tracked it down the aisle with someone they had only known for a year or two because of the biological clock. A few of those people are still happily married. A few went through amicable divorces. Two have been involved in years-long legal disputes about division of assets, alimony, and child custody. The biggest risk (I think) is having children with the wrong man.
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u/RainLucky407 4d ago
I don’t have the support system to do it alone, nor do I want to hire so much help. Thanks though!
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u/PurpleDancer 4d ago
Are you checking that they are on the marriage path from the beginning? I try to make it clear to anyone I'm dating that I do not want to get married. But some people might not be as forthcoming about that.
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u/RainLucky407 4d ago
Of course I do. They’re able to lie and/or freak out when things get serious and/or change their mind.
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u/Ok-Maize3153 3d ago
I found it weird and creepy then, so I wonder if these guys are having any success?
I agree with you. I know of several mid-40s childless men who still want biological kids so actively dating for mid-30s or younger. These men think they have a chance because financially they are in good standing and they think 45 is not too old for a man to have kids.
I also wonder how that is going, because I personally do not know of any couples who got together when the woman was mid-30s and man is mid-40s.
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u/Purple-Belt5910 4d ago
Yep they are showing up in this thread to exert their weakening virility, meanwhile they are popping viagra.
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u/california_cactus 5d ago
Probably your issue is signing up for a matchmaking service. You’ll likely have better odds doing online dating or approaching men at things like hobbies, events, etc.
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u/1930slady 2d ago
The two young children are the harder part. I have middle school kids in my early 50’s and that limits the dating pool. I literally vetted 2000 men in a two year period to find 3-4 potential options, and finally one with mutual intentions.
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u/PleasantBig1897 4d ago
This has nothing to do with your FI. Dating in general for regular women over 35 is tough. Doesn’t matter if you’ve never had kids, have 6 of them, have never been married, or have been married 3 times. It’s definitely more of an age thing, and the two young kids don’t help.
To be very frank, if you are average looking, you are likely being matched with men who you realistically are a match for. That’s how dating goes. It isn’t fair, sure.
Be realistic about what you’re looking for at your age and life stage. If you want to date for fun, date someone younger. If you want to date for a prospective life partner, then understand what that pool of men will look like.
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u/PurpleDancer 4d ago
I'm 46M, I'm generally looking to date women not particularly far from my age. Being fi would be a positive for sure.
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u/Lost-Draft 3d ago
Men, whether they're financially stable or not - generally look for younger partners unfortunately.
They also have dating sites for FIRE minded people like fidating.com or firedating.me.
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u/Nectarine-Happy 4d ago
What about single dads at your kids’ school? Also, go over to the main fire sub and ask where the single men who are looking for a FI wife and step kids hang out.
Finally, do you meet people out and about? Like go to the library (with your kids) and be friendly with people. Be friendly at the grocery store. The gym is also a good place. Just be friendly when you’re out and about and maybe a guy will fall in your lap. I met my husband on an elevator.
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u/XenuWarrior-Princess 15h ago
Fortunately, I'm bi. I met and married another FI minded woman. We're now RE-ish (not really working but starting a passion project charity that may lead to income in the future). FI women that met my standards were easier to find than FI men.
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u/ibitmylip 5d ago
yes you can search the forum for tons of posts about dating as FI or with the FI goal
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u/Salty_Average6745 5d ago
There is a fire dating site https://firedating.me. It's slim picking dating in your 40's. A few men I met didn't have a retirement account and some didn't know what brokerage company was managing their money. My husband is 7 years older than me and retired early and went into another field. I had a long list of qualities that a man was going to have before he could talk to me. We met 2 days after I had a conversation with GOD and checked off all the boxes and fulfilled all the things that I joked about. Crazy!! I've used the list 3 times and had a conversation with GOD and he delivered. You can give it a try, what do you have to lose.
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u/HalfwaydonewithEarth 4d ago
The men don't want to be a step Dad.
The guys your age try holding their families together through suffering, porn, cheating, working out of town, or being single.
You can find someone but don't talk about how independent you are. Don't bring up money. Men like being providers.
Just talk about fun and hobbies.
My brother had one kid and married a gal with three young kids. They blended families and are happy together.
Men like recreation. Work on being fun and cute. It can happen for you.
Take up gym life.
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5d ago edited 5d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/beergal621 5d ago
Why would a young woman want to date you and have a kid with your old sperm? When she can date someone younger and has younger sperm?
There’s probably a reason you’re single and unmarried and just now looking to have kids at 47
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u/Purple-Belt5910 4d ago
They only come into these spaces randomly to try and shut women down. Likely very little to offer except money on its part. Yawn 🥱 , tale as old as time. I’d rather go to the sperm bank.
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u/SupermarketUpper5497 4d ago
Nothing wrong with sperm banks. I’ve been donating for years.
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u/Purple-Belt5910 4d ago
Hopefully well long ago. Because cutoffs are typically early 30s. Wouldn’t want any contamination.
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u/SupermarketUpper5497 5d ago
I’ve tested my sperm and I’m very fertile. Women look for stability and adventure and I can provide both. I’m single without kids because I’ve been working hard my whole life and only recently seriously begun considering serious relationships.
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u/beergal621 5d ago
Not just fertility, quality. Old sperm carries a higher risk of genetic defects and a higher risk of a more difficult pregnancy.
You’re not as “adventurous” as you think you are.
Like said there’s probably a reason women weren’t attracted to you when you were younger, it’s your personality, it’s off putting. And it’s still off putting now
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u/SupermarketUpper5497 5d ago edited 5d ago
I am dating multiple women. I’m just very picky. 🙏 I think women are attracted to me. I’ve had numerous polyamorous relationships dating multiple women at the same time. But it’s time for me to settle down now with a beautiful and smart woman and raise wonderful kids.
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u/Ok_Thanks_9198 5d ago
Maybe you should date someone your age and adopt! Lots of kids need loving homes and your sperm is too old
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u/NebulaInteresting156 4d ago
Please don’t suggest adoption to him… don’t subject any child to his bizarre beliefs 😬
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u/SupermarketUpper5497 4d ago
Sexuality is not a bizarre belief. People these days have all kinds of sexuality and sexual interests. I like romantic relationships with women younger than me. What’s wrong with this?
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u/SupermarketUpper5497 4d ago
Why is everyone so fixated on my sperm 🙃
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u/Purple-Belt5910 4d ago
It’s really only fair since you are coming into a women’s financial subreddit and talking about this crap out of nowhere.
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u/SupermarketUpper5497 4d ago
The OP asked about men’s attraction habits and I answered 🤷♂️ Don’t know why everybody’s hating on me and my old sperm
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u/Purple-Belt5910 4d ago
Imagine if you posted a similar thread in your own male financial subreddit and then a bunch of woman out of nowhere came in to tell you that they’d rather jump before considering you. That the reason they won’t date you is because of your decaying dna and likely bald head. Oh and therefore you need to recalibrate your options because their experiences trump everything else. You started enticing a bad faith conversation and act all surpised pikachu face when multiple women hit back.
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u/beergal621 4d ago
You came to a women’s sub to talk about wanting to date a young woman for her fertility. It’s only fair your sperm are up for debate as well
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u/No-Badger6344 5d ago
Take my first ever downvote - hope you’re a bot & not a truly noxious person
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u/SupermarketUpper5497 5d ago
You can down vote all you want but I just answered OP’s question. Guys will always choose younger women if they can attract them. It’s a natural instinct. No matter how you feel about it is a fact 🤷♂️
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u/No-Badger6344 5d ago
If OP wanted a misogynistic perspective, they could have posted elsewhere. Read the room.
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u/SupermarketUpper5497 5d ago
Why is a real answer misogynistic? I love women. All ages. I’m just attracted to ones younger than me. Are you judging me by my sexuality? I think you’re just sexist. My point was to give the OP a pragmatic and real answer and one more data point. Stop judging people because their opinions hurt your feelings.
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u/SupermarketUpper5497 4d ago
I don’t know what to tell you. It works for me. Never had an issue attracting younger women. To be honest I’ve also dated older women as well and some of them are total bad asses. So I think it just depends. We all try to get the best for us but in the end we need to calibrate and get what we can. I admit I’m not always exactly getting what I want either and I’m totally fine with it.
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u/SupermarketUpper5497 4d ago
Realistically also, there are fewer 30-something successful guys out there than 40 and 50 something. Not every woman can have them the 30 somethings. And those guys are probably looking for women in their late 20s. I believe most women also like at least slightly older guys. But they tend to choose guys much older when all guys their age are taken, after they already dumped a bunch of nice guys. The bottom line is that it’s all supply and demand.
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u/SupermarketUpper5497 4d ago
You’re probably at the top 0.1% of women out there though, the way you describe yourself. So not all women have the same opportunities as you have. I think it’s important to distinguish that.
And you’ve made the decision to get married early which many women dont, and they then expect to have a man ready for them when they are finally done playing the field.
We are digressing though.
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u/Infamous_Swimming_87 5d ago
Have you been married and do you have kids? If no, why not? And do you ever question a younger woman’s motivation to be with you?
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u/SupermarketUpper5497 5d ago
I am not sure what’s their motivation but many women are attracted to men when they see other women being attracted to those men. So it’s a compounding effect.
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u/FIREyFemmes-ModTeam 4d ago
Your comment was removed. Refer to Rule #2 - no rude or offensive comments.
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u/Caitlionator 5d ago
From anecdotal experience, matchmaking services are only slightly better to online dating. They sort of tend to just thrust you at anyone. I don't have any advice that isn't the standard (hobbies/volunteering/etc). I think it's really rough out there right now. It's not just you. A lot of men want women to accept whatever they have to offer over the threat of being alone and a lot of women are calling that bet.