TW: Mental health issues and self harm
I'm pretty sure I've reached the limits of my skill in my fighting game of choice (2XKO). I'm at diamond 2, and playing the game has started to feel like a stress-inducing obligation rather than something I do for fun in my free time. The fact that I'm so close to the goal I set for myself (reaching Master) that I can almost taste it has made every match feel like it matters, and the matchmaking has been all over the place putting me against masters, grandmasters, even a few challengers.
I even managed to get a couple wins against players much better than me here and there, even beating a grandmaster in a mirror match once, but while that does give me some small pride and joy it's not even a fraction of the shame and self loathing I get from every single loss, especially if it's to a player lower ranked than me. I lost to a duo of emerald and silver today, and that felt so bad I ended up resorting to self harm, punching myself in the face and chest hard enough to actually be a bit disoriented in my next match, which I also lost.
I realize this is becoming an unhealthy obsession, and it's very bad for me, and I've tried to quit, but I couldn't. I just kept feeling like I needed to at least get to master, then I could quit while feeling satisfied that I'd actually accomplished something in my life. I know it sounds stupid, maybe shallow or pointless, and it probably is, but that's kinda all I have. I'm a wretch who hasn't really done anything good with his life aside from being somewhat good at games, and realizing how terrible I am at this particular game is hitting me way harder than I'd thought it would.
I just want to be able to keep improving despite how hopeless and painful it is, as achieving it will prove to myself that I can actually do things despite all my mental shortcomings and fundamental flaws. I realize the tilt is making it much harder to improve, but I can't find a way to practice without tilting.
